by daisy harris
“Okay.” I bit the edge of my fingernail, trying to picture the whole course of her relationships when I’d only witnessed a single piece of the puzzle. “But if she blows hot and cold, why didn’t the guys break up with her?”
Julius frowned ruefully. “Most humans have a favorable response to someone who flatters them.” He said it in a clinical manner. “I read all about it when I was trying to build a case against Kyle. In particular, humans form a bond when the flattery comes at a time of low self-esteem. The victim can attach so strongly to the manipulator that it’s hard to form a negative image later, even if that person turns cruel.”
Julius had been in sixth grade when Kyle was messing with him. The first year of middle school sucked, and it couldn’t have been easy being gay, either. Of course Julius would have fallen for a young, handsome teacher who had taken him under his wing.
“Yeah, I get that.” I hated to admit it, but I was weirdly attached to the idea of Zoe_2.0 already. Mostly because Zoe_2.0 had texted me when I was feeling down. If I’d been in a better mood, I probably wouldn’t have even given her my number.
I couldn’t imagine how I’d feel toward Zoe if I’d been texting her on and off for weeks. No wonder she’d managed to get inside Todd’s head enough to convince him to drive cross-country. As for Hal . . . he might have been texting her all summer. He wasn’t the brightest guy. She might have blown hot and cold on him so many times he simply cracked.
“Abusers hook you with kind words and encourage you to share secrets.” Julius cleared his throat. “But they’re always in control. Later, they pull away, forcing their victim to chase after them. It’s then, when the victim is lost and desperate, that they strike.”
I ran through my conversation with Zoe in my head. “Wait a second.” Grabbing my phone, I read the messages. She hadn’t shared a bit about her own life. No talk about her friends or family or school. Other than the prolific use of “Me too!” Or “OMG, yes!!” she hadn’t told me anything.
“So . . . you knew this about her from the beginning?” I had a hard time believing that Julius’s obsession with her had been fake.
“I knew she was a manipulator, yes. But I won’t lie—it’s easy to fall into her thrall.” The edge of his mouth twisted into something that might have been a smile if it weren’t so sad. “Maybe I missed the rush.”
I should have been sympathetic, but found myself beating back insecurity. Unlike Kyle, or even Zoe, I wasn’t particularly grown up. I wasn’t all that socially savvy, either; I wouldn't have the first idea how to wrap a boy around my finger. Maybe Julius could never like me the way he once liked Kyle. I shook myself. That was stupid. I didn’t want to be like Kyle, even if I could be.
“I never let myself think I was special to her.” Julius glanced at the ground. “As much as I admit I wanted to.”
“Yeah. She drags it out of you.” I perched on the couch’s armrest, closer to Julius than I’d been since before the dance. Maybe I could be enough for Julius. After all, he’d shown up at my door. Maybe he was ready for something real. “Like you said, she twists you around.”
“The question is, how do we lure her out of hiding?” Julius went to my breakfast counter and grabbed one of my mother’s notepads. He seemed to gather energy from moving, like he’d stuffed his conflicted emotions back into a box. “I don’t think a threat would do it. She’s already deleted her accounts. Even with the Zoe Ward connection, I doubt the police will locate her. Most owners of fake accounts are never found unless they want to be. We’d have to beat her at her own game.”
“Do you think any of the other guys ever met her in person?”
“We can try and find out.” Julius grabbed his glass and finished his juice.
“She’ll keep talking to me,” I said. “If I play stupid enough, she won’t realize I’m onto her.”
“Are you sure you can handle it?” Julius reached for his phone, but his fingers clenched and he left it on the coffee table.
“Not on my own.” Already I’d made some mistakes. Worse, I was twitching to pick my phone up again and keep confiding in her. “Maybe you could talk to her for tonight? I think it’s better if I don’t text until tomorrow.”
“Yes. I’ll cover it tonight. But let’s keep her busy. If you and I are texting incessantly, she might get sloppy about covering her tracks. Plus, she won’t have time to rope in anyone else.”
“Yeah.” Thank God Julius and I were on the same page again. With him at my side, I was sure we could figure this out. Even better, I’d still have a friend, and that meant more than catching a psychopath.
I heard a car pulling up and looked at the clock. Without my noticing, it had gotten late enough that my mother was home. “Hey. You need to get going.” I didn’t want Julius and her in the same room. “My mom’s home.”
Julius glanced out the window “You’re not allowed to have friends over?”
“It’s not that.” I hoped I hadn’t offended him. “It’s just that there isn’t a lot of space.” As much as it hurt my pride to use the smallness of my apartment as an excuse, I said, “We only have the one other room. I wouldn’t want to make her hide in her bedroom when she’s been working a long shift.”
Julius nodded, nothing in his expression hinting that he was passing judgment. “That’s understandable.” He stood right as Mom opened the door.
“Oh.” She blinked at Julius, then at me. “You have a friend over. Hi.”
“Julius came an hour ago.” I coughed. “A half hour, I mean. He hasn’t been here long.” I couldn’t stop blabbing like a crazy person. “He was just leaving, actually.”
“That’s no problem.” She turned to Julius and held out her hand. “I don’t think we’ve been introduced. I’m Joyce.”
“Pleased to meet you, Joyce.” Julius tucked his hair behind his ear, and winked.
“Oh. Um, yes.” She adjusted her necklace. “Julius could stay for dinner if he likes. We have patties in the freezer, and I picked up some lettuce on my way home.”
“I—” Julius darted a glance my way. Whatever he saw in my face must have made up his mind for him, because he shook his head. “I’m sorry, Joyce, but I’m expected home. Some other time perhaps?”
She laughed in a way that was almost a giggle. “Yes. That would be nice. Just let Henry know when you’re free.”
“Of course. And thank you for your hospitality.” Julius went to the door.
“I’ll walk you out,” I said, and followed Julius outside.
“Your mom is nice,” he said as we headed to the bike rack.
“Yeah. She’s okay.”
His bike wasn’t locked, and he pulled it away from the rack easily. “You’re lucky, you know. That she pays attention.” Julius said it in his usual aloof way.
Julius may have had almost everything. But he didn’t have the one thing I did—a parent who cared. “Yeah, I guess she’s pretty cool.”
He nodded.
“Hey.” I needed one more answer before Julius left for the night. “So why did you finally decide to report Kyle?” Julius must have been eleven or twelve at the time, and it sounded like he’d been infatuated.
Julius’s frown was tight and mean. “I saw him with this girl. This senior. They were in his office, and I saw the way she looked at him.” His jaw clenched, then slid to the side.
“You could tell they were sleeping together?”
Julius let out a snicker, and then a smile. “Not at first. But it quickly became clear that’s where it was going.”
My mouth dropped open. “Julius, you didn’t—”
“Oh, it turned out he was sleeping with her.” He batted away my concern with a flick of his hand. “Only it took me a while to prove it.”
I tensed. Wow. I never want to get on his bad side. “Well, good for you, then, I guess.”
He grinned slowly, like a wolf.
I stepped closer. “I’ll see you in school tomorrow.” As happened more and more with him lately,
I wanted to hug him good-bye. Or maybe kiss him.
However, he kicked his leg over his bike before I had the chance. “See you then.”
“Your friend is nice,” Mom called to me from her spot near the stove. Already she’d gotten the hamburger patties in a pan, and the smell of frying meat filled the apartment.
“Yeah. He’s a good guy.” Considering my mother seemed ready to date Julius herself, I didn’t know why I felt the need to explain him. “He’s just a little . . . He can be hard to get to know.”
“He seems confident.” She obviously meant something by that, but with her facing the stove, I couldn’t put my finger on what.
“He’s lived in Seattle his whole life. And gone to Clinton since pre-K, so—”
“This is the boy you’ve been with after school most days?”
My spine stiffened. “Yeah.”
“Huh.” She flipped a burger.
“What do you mean, ‘huh’?” I felt like she knew, and I thought about blurting out I’m gay and getting it over with, but my throat was so tight I could hardly breathe. “Can I go for a quick walk before dinner? I was lying down awhile, and—”
“Yeah, sure. Just be back in half an hour.”
“Okay.” I pulled open the door and started through the parking lot of our apartment complex. My confession was on the tip of my tongue, and I forced it down into my chest, where it burned. At least pacing down the block, I could think about whether I really wanted to tell her.
So, yeah. I was a gay person. On some level I’d known for a while, but this was the first time I’d really let it sink in. As many times as I’d liked boys my age or looked at men online, I’d never accepted that that made me one of them.
If I were honest with myself, I’d salivated for a year over my gym teacher back in Texas. Not to mention the young substitute in fifth grade. He’d had dark hair like Julius, though he hadn’t been as pale.
The weight of understanding slowed my steps as I plodded toward the water. In the dark, the lake was a muddy black and the trees that were gold and orange during the day had faded like old magazine pages. The landscape was beautiful in a sad kind of way. Lonely but also freeing.
Down by the beach there was a bench overlooking the water. A couple sat there, watching the lights from Bellevue flicker. Casually, I tried to figure out whether it was a man and a woman, two men, or two women. Though the first was most likely, anything was possible. With their matching short hair and dark clothes, there was no telling their sexes. Were they gay, like me? And if so, how had they gotten up the guts to tell people who cared about them?
Wind blew off the water, rustling the trees, which dropped maple leaves the size of paper plates. Though I’d left my phone at home, I thought I must have been gone almost half an hour. So I started the walk back to our apartment. As I went, I let the truth expand to fill every corner of my being. I liked Julius. Really liked him. I wanted to be close to him and kiss him and date him. Given that, I’d been a jerk for leading Thea on. I needed to break things off with her for sure. Most importantly, I had to tell my mom. Maybe not tonight, but soon. How she’d take the news, however . . . I could only hope for the best.
The lunchroom was unusually quiet the next day with students tipping their heads together and whispering.
“You’d think he’d know, right?” a girl at the table next to me said to her friend. “Can you imagine? Talking to some stranger? Then finding out they’d been lying about who they were? Creepy.”
Her friend hummed in agreement.
I’d only taken a few bites of my sandwich—ham on bare bread because I’d made it for myself—when Bethany and Thea came walking up with their trays. My stomach dropped to my feet.
“Hey.” I smiled as best I could. “What’s up?”
“Nothing.” Bethany cocked her eyebrows.
“You okay?” Thea asked, her blue eyes wide. I hated what I was going to have to say to her.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I cleared my throat. “Some day we had yesterday.”
Bethany nodded. “Yeah, totally.” She must have felt the tension coming off me, because she glanced across the room to Julius’s usual table. “You know, I need to get some studying done. Do you guys mind if I sit over there?”
Thea blinked. “No.”
I gave Bethany a relieved nod, but didn’t say anything.
Once Bethany had left, an uncomfortable silence settled over me and Thea. I knew what needed to be said, but I struggled to cough out the words.
“Where were you last night?” Thea asked. “I texted, but you didn’t answer.”
“Oh, sorry.” I’d seen the messages, but hadn’t known how to respond. “The thing with Todd . . . and getting our phones taken away . . .”
Her lower lip stuck out. “What difference does it make to you whether Todd’s in school?”
I’d forgotten how much Thea disliked Todd, and I scrambled for an excuse. “Todd’s a friend of Julius’s older sister. And Natasha was pretty upset, so . . .”
“So you’re close with Natasha Drake now?” Thea’s voice grew petulant.
“No.” Somehow I was digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole. “She’s a senior.” I tried to laugh and lighten the mood. “You think she’d give me the time of day if I wanted to date her?”
The corners of her eyes creased with hurt.
“I don’t want to go out with Natasha,” I rushed, raising my voice. “It’s just that I hang out with Julius a lot.”
“Yeah. I’ve noticed.” She frowned.
Her words hovered like a cartoon bubble between us. “Do you even like me?” she asked.
My hand drifted to my mouth so I could nibble a fingernail. “Of course I like you.”
She sighed. “Yeah, but do you like me? Like, do you want to go out with me?”
My throat caught, because this was the moment of truth. I could turn this around on her. Lie to defend my secret. Or I could come out with it.
“I, uh . . . Well, I just wanted to say . . .” I swallowed, sweat blooming under my clothes. “I haven’t been the nicest guy. With you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I wanted you to know: it’s not you. I’m not sure if I’d have wanted to go out with any girl.”
There. I’d all but admitted it out loud. My heart was pounding like I’d sprinted a mile.
“Oh.” Her mouth made a perfectly round O. She blinked, staring at her lunch and pushing it around with her fork. “I kind of wondered that. You guys have been spending a lot of time together.”
“Oh, he and I aren’t . . .” For some reason, I didn’t mind her knowing I might be gay, but knowing I liked Julius was another thing. Liking a boy was different than liking “boys” in general.
“Yeah, I get it. There are plenty of fish in the sea. It’s not like Julius is the only . . .” I waited to hear what word she’d use. “Like he’s the only guy like that around.”
I itched to ask her who else she thought was gay at Clinton Academy. Or maybe she just meant that in the world in general there were plenty of other boys to date. I ran my hand through my hair, brushing it from my eyes. “I’m just figuring this stuff out.” I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation at all, much less with a girl I’d broken up with. I felt a light-headedness that was disorienting but not unpleasant. “It’s on the down low, okay? I don’t really want the whole school—”
“Oh my God, of course not!” Thea lifted her gaze to meet mine, and to my surprise, her eyes were wide and sincere. “I would never out you. And I’m honored that you chose to tell me. Seriously.” She laid her hand on my forearm. “I’m so proud of you.”
I tried to return her smile. As grateful as I was for her support, I couldn’t help thinking that girls were a mystery. If you rejected them outright, you were an asshole, but if you didn’t want to date them because you were gay, you were a treasured friend. “I’m, uh, done eating. Want to go?”
“Yeah, sure.” She gave me one of h
er bright smiles and bounced as she followed me to our lockers. When she opened hers, she pulled out my balled-up sweatshirt. “Here. I brought it in this morning to give back to you.”
I raised my hand to take it, but then saw the sad twist in her lips.
“You know, you can keep it if you want.” I had no idea why she’d want to, but I must have said the right thing because she grinned.
“Really?”
“Yeah. It looks better on you than it does on me anyway.” I’d probably grow out of that sweatshirt by spring. Not to mention it had the Killeen Junior High insignia on the front. To Thea, that might have made it exotic, or at least ironic. To me, it just signified my past.
“Awesome.” She pulled it on over her head and walked with me to the freshman hall. Anyone who saw us might have thought we were still dating. But Thea knew the truth, and that was all that mattered. The rest of the school could think what they wanted.
I only had ten minutes before class, but I ducked into the boys’ bathroom to text “Zoe.” Despite everything Julius and I had discussed, my hands shook. I was desperate for her to answer, but also hoping she wouldn’t.
Hey.
Seconds ticked, and I thought she might be away from the phone, or maybe in class. Still, I sweetened the pot by adding, I miss you.
Immediately, her reply came. Aw you’re sweet, she said, like she was patting a loyal dog on the head. How are you? Any news on your crush?
Yeah. Pride rushed through me, though I tried to tamp it down. We had a good talk last night.
That’s awesome.
I smiled, despite myself. I think things are going to be better between us.
I’m glad. It’s important you have someone. A lot of gay teens feel really alone. It must be hard.
Taking my time, I tried to figure out how to take that. Was she trying to make me depressed? I think I’m doing okay.
