by Tessa Teevan
“What do you mean? Like a counselor?” I ask.
“Yeah, exactly that. He was shocked, but I told him that we had to hash this out once and for all. And I needed to work through my conflictions between being in love with him and my desire to start a family. It was probably the most painful conversation I’ve ever had in my life, but strangely, it was effective. I don’t know if it knocked some sense into him or if he realized how much I really wanted kids, but he promised to be more open to the idea. He made an appointment with a mental health therapist so that he could get a professional opinion on all of the questions he had.”
“I’m glad to hear that he came around. That had to have been hard for both of you,” I admit.
She leans back as she takes a seat on a lounge chair. I follow suit, sitting in the chair next to hers but sideways so I’m facing her.
She stares off into the ocean and speaks again. “You have no idea, but in the end, I’m glad that I did it. Things after that started to get better, but only a little bit. He started researching every mental health facility in the area so that he could find an expert to talk to. I became annoying and anxious, and I began to take it out on him.”
She stops and inhales sharply, and I see a single tear fall down her cheek. I want to lean over and wipe it away, but I have a feeling that contact is the last thing she wants right now.
“No one knows this, Jace, and I’m not really sure why I’m telling you. Maybe I just need to get it off my chest once and for all. The thing is… The day of the car accident, I was pushing Ty again about the issue. We were supposed to be going away for a nice, long romantic weekend, and I couldn’t help but nag at him over it. He kept telling me that he was ready, but it wasn’t enough for me. I think I was so exhausted from the back and forth. It probably didn’t help that I was totally PMSing and hungover. I just…” She suddenly bursts into sobs, causing me to go to her side as if on instinct.
“Alexa, I’m sure it wasn’t that bad. I bet he knew you were just grumpy and struggling with waiting for him to be ready,” I comment as I lightly rub her back.
She surprises me by clinging to me, her tears dampening my t-shirt as she cries into my chest.
“You don’t understand, Jace. You can’t. I was awful that day. And those words… I’ll never forget them,” she cries.
“What words, babe? What do you mean?” I ask, not sure if I actually want to know the answer.
Her whisper is so soft that I have to strain to hear her. “’I fucking hate you sometimes.’”
PART OF me is mortified that I’m sobbing on him and that he knows the truth, but the other half is secretly relieved that I’ve said the words out loud. I’m not surprised that Jace happened to be the person I opened up to about that awful day. He used to be the person I could never keep a secret from, so I suppose it makes sense.
Willing myself to calm down, I pull away from his chest. I wipe my eyes, hoping that I don’t have black streaks running down my face. Jace has a look on his face that is a mixture of confusion and shock.
“I don’t understand what you mean by that, Alexa,” he says after clearing his throat.
I take a moment to figure out the best way to tell this story without him thinking less of me—or of Ty. The last thing I want is for him to think I was married to a complete asshole, because regardless of our issues, I did love him and he was good to me. I don’t want Jace to think any differently.
“Before I get into that, you have to know that Tyler was a great guy. He was always good to me, even when we were having our conflict about having kids. Sometimes I could nag and push his buttons, and this time I just went too far, I guess.”
Jace nods and responds, “I understand more than anything that sometimes things can happen in the heat of the moment, even if we don’t mean them.”
I smile at his understanding. “Like I said, we were arguing in the car. I finally said something really bitchy to set him off. I can’t even remember at this point. He responded with those heated words. The next thing I knew, I’d lost three days in the hospital and the doctor was telling me that he was killed instantly. For the past year and a half, the last memory I’ve had of my husband is him telling me that sometimes I’m so hard to be around that he hates me.”
Jace starts to reach out to me but then draws his hand back at the last moment as if he thinks the contact will somehow break me. He’s probably right, and for once, I’m grateful for the space between us. It’s hard enough to talk about this without having him touching me. The conflictions I’m feeling between the reality of losing Ty and the rejuvenation I feel now that I’ve spent the last two days with Jace are palpable.
“I’m sure he didn’t mean it, Alexa. You know how we guys can get when y’all women are…umm…when it’s that time of the month. We go about as crazy as you do,” he says, shooting me a small grin, looking a little embarrassed.
I give a small laugh, knowing that he’s right. Deep down, I’ve always known that Ty didn’t mean those words, but finally saying it out loud and getting someone else’s perspective has completely broken my shell.
“I know, I really do. I’ve always known that he didn’t mean it. And deep down I know that I didn’t deserve that outburst. But here’s the thing. You wake up from a three-day coma to a doctor telling you that your husband is dead, but you can’t even process his words. All you hear is that phrase, I fucking hate you sometimes, over and over again. I’ve only recently been able to sleep through the night without having a nightmare,” I tell him.
“If there’s anything I understand, it’s the continuing nightmare of a traumatic event. You can talk to me about it if you want,” Jace offers.
“It’s just so hard, you know? I’ve kept this bottled up for what seems like so long. I respected Tyler too much to put our issues out there for everyone to judge. And now that he’s gone, it just doesn’t seem right for anyone to know about that last day.”
“I know I didn’t know the guy, but your friends and family did. I’m sure they wouldn’t judge him for any of that, but I understand you wanting to keep it private. And listen, you can tell me as much or as little as you want, but I’ll never think less of you or him. Marriages aren’t perfect. They have problems. That’s life, and sometimes you just have to deal with it.”
“I think the worst thing is that I don’t know what went through his mind in those last few seconds. The doctor said it was instantaneous, but we both saw that car coming straight towards us for a split second.” I shudder at the memory, not wanting to relive those moments.
Jace sits silently for a minute or two before he responds. I don’t blame him. I’m sure this was the last thing he expected when he knocked on the condo door earlier tonight. He grabs my hand and lightly brushes my knuckles. Placing his other hand under my chin, he forces me to look at him.
“Listen to me. I’ve been seconds away from death more times than I’d like to think about. When the Humvee in front of me hit that roadside bomb, I immediately saw flashes of my life. I’ve lost buddies along the way, and I always told myself that their last moments were filled with a collage of their best moments in life. I’d like to think that the same happened for Ty. If it was anything like my experience, he completely forgot those words. Those few seconds probably felt like a lifetime to him. If I had to guess, he saw you again for the first time and remembered how beautiful you were and how eager he was to approach you. He relived your first date, probably how nervous he felt picking you up. He recalled your first kiss and how I can guess you smiled shyly afterwards.”
He pauses as he wipes the tears that are now streaming down my face away.
“Trust me. In those last few moments, all he saw was you. He saw you walking towards him on your wedding day. He saw you in the kitchen preparing his favorite meal, just because. Everything single thing about you, whether simple or extravagant, he saw, he felt. You were it. Alexa, I promise you, he left this world with nothing but beautiful memories of you.”
&n
bsp; Hanging on to every single word that he says, I replay them after he’s finished. Never in a million years did I ever consider that Ty had good flashes of our lives together before the other car struck ours. I’d resigned myself to the fact that his last words were it, so Jace’s comments are unnerving. The thought that he didn’t die with unsettling thoughts of me brings a tightening to my chest that I can hardly endure. I sink into the lounge chair as I try to catch my breath and gather my thoughts. We sit there for a few minutes with nothing but the sound of the waves crashing as Jace continues to hold my hand. I’m thankful that he’s not pushing me for a response while I regain my composure.
“To be honest, I think deep down I’ve always known that, but the pain of our last exchange overshadowed those thoughts. But hearing you say it out loud… I don’t know why, but it made it seem much more real. If that makes sense,” I finally say, breaking the silence.
“It does. You’ve been holding this in for a really long time, so it’s no wonder you haven’t really been able to work through it. You can talk about him, you know. I mean, if it helps to talk about the good times, I’m here to listen,” he offers, surprising the hell out of me.
“I don’t think…”
He stops me by holding a finger up to my lips. “It’s okay. I’ve missed out on the last ten years of your life, and I don’t intend on that happening again. If this, whatever this ends up being, works out, then I have to accept the fact that you spent a significant amount of time with someone else. So tell me about him. What do you think he would’ve seen in those flashes?”
Getting up from the lounge chair, I lean against the balcony railing. If I’m going to do this, if I’m going to talk about Ty with Jace, I can’t do it while in his arms. It’s too much for me, but I do know that I need to take this opportunity to really catch him up on my life.
“I couldn’t tell you what he saw before he knew me, because he didn’t exactly have the greatest childhood. Like I said, he was an only child in a single-parent home, and well, his mom wasn’t the greatest. Sometimes I wonder if that’s how we clicked so quickly. He was so desperate for normalcy, for family, and he fit in perfectly with mine in an instant. Mom took him in as if he were her own, like she could tell that he needed her. They became really close, and I swear, he talked more with her on the phone than I did.” I smile at the memory.
Knowing all too well how motherly she can be, he responds with a smile. “She always was the go-to mom in school, you know. She had a way of making you feel like you were always welcome, always wanted.”
“I think it actually hurt us in the long run, though,” I muse as Jace gives me a questioning look. “I think his relationship with my mom highlighted all the problems for him with his, which of course, in turn, led to the baby issues. I could be wrong, but I have a feeling that played into it. But whatever. Let’s not get back into that tonight.”
“How’d you two meet?” Jace asks, changing the subject.
A grin spreads across my face as I think about how Ty and I first met. I launch into the story, having taken pleasure in telling it a million times. It was September 2003, and I was in my first semester at the University of Cincinnati. My roommate’s brother was working in the front office for the Cincinnati Bengals and had scored us tickets to the Steelers’ game—the Bengals’ ultimate rivals. I was so excited to attend my first-ever NFL game, especially since my Ohio born-and-bred dad had raised us to love all teams in Cincinnati, even though we grew up in Florida.
Kara and I showed up to the stadium all decked out in orange and black. I remember that I was wearing tight, black jean shorts paired with my Chad Johnson jersey. I had black lines under each eye with the number 85 painted in white on my cheeks. I was more than ready to cheer on my team. When we got to our seats, there were two guys sitting in them. Kara, ever the impatient, informed them of their seating mishap. The guy in her seat quickly got up, muttering an apology before moving to the seat directly behind her. She slid in past what was supposed to be my aisle seat. Apparently, my guy wasn’t so eager to move.
“Umm, excuse me. Any minute now,” I said, getting more annoyed by the second.
When he finally looked up, I was greeted with the most beautiful ice blue eyes that I’d ever seen. I was so mesmerized that I didn’t even notice the horrendous Steelers jersey he was wearing. His eyes were twinkling with amusement, and a slow grin spread across his face.
“I don’t know. I’m pretty comfortable,” he said, winking at me.
“Congratulations. The sooner you move to your own seat, the sooner you’ll get comfortable in that one, too.”
“You could always sit on my lap. Then we’d both be very comfortable.” For some reason, this was tempting, especially when he threw me a cocky grin, daring me to do just that.
“Dude, Ty, give the pretty girl her seat already,” his buddy said from behind him, causing Kara to turn around and give him a high-five. Suddenly those two were making introductions and making small talk.
“Fine, whatever. I’m going to the bathroom, and when I get back, you better be gone, jerk,” I said, whirling around and stomping off.
I stayed away for a good ten minutes in order to give him plenty of time to move. When I made my way back to the stands, he was still there, but this time, he’d moved to Kara’s seat. She was conveniently now sitting behind mine, chatting up a storm with his friend.
I sat down in a huff and refused to look at him. When I put my hand on the armrest, his brushed mine. For some insane reason, this sent a tingling down my spine. He leaned down and whispered, “Game on,” in my ear as kickoff went underway.
Fine, if it’s a game he wants, I’m all in, I thought as I shot my sexiest smile in his direction. His eyelids slightly lowered as he stared at my lips. I found myself biting on my lower one, and his hand brushed mine again. Shivering, I turned back towards the field, wondering what was wrong with me. I’d never felt any sort of physical attraction to anyone since Jace, and I just met this guy. Hell, he hadn’t even actually told me his name. As if he could read my thoughts, he leaned down against my ear so I could hear him over the roar of the crowd. He asked my name, and I had to yell twice in his ear before he heard me correctly.
I felt his hot breath against my ear as he replied. “Lexi. A beautiful name for an even more beautiful girl. I’m Ty, by the way.”
I laughed and rolled my eyes at his words. “Seriously, Tysanova? Is that the best you’ve got?”
“I haven’t even begun to show you my cards. But I’d like a chance to. Go out with me after the game,” he said, his pretty blues silently begging me.
“One, I don’t know you. Two, you’re an insufferable jerk who stole my seat. Three, and worst of all, you’re a Steelers fan. I’m pretty sure there’s some code out there that forbids me to even consider spending time with you,” I responded.
He didn’t even react to my words. He just let out a low chuckle before turning back towards the field. We watched almost the rest of the first half in silence. He didn’t brush up against me again. In fact, he was slumped away from me on his arm rest. The silence stretched into the second quarter, and by the two-minute warning, I couldn’t stand it anymore. We hadn’t spoken in almost forty-five minutes, and I found myself missing the interactions.
I turned around to see if I could switch with Kara’s seat buddy. Not gonna happen, I realized when I saw that they were definitely more interested in watching each other than the game. Facing the field again, I struggled not to look at Ty. I couldn’t help but take a quick peek, and my eyes locked with his the moment I turned to him. The left side of his mouth lifted up and he winked at me again, apparently showing off his signature move. It was equal parts annoying and sexy, and at that moment I wanted nothing more than for his lips to be on mine, the feeling of his stubble scratching my jaw, his hands gripping my ponytail.
I really need to get laid, I thought to myself, because there was no other explanation for how I was reacting to him.
&
nbsp; A sexy whisper filled my ear. “You know, that can be arranged, but I’m usually not that easy.”
My hand instantly flung over my mouth as the realization that I’d said those words out loud flooded my brain. I was mortified, and I knew I had to get out of there. With only 1:30 before halftime, I figured it was a good excuse to stretch my legs. Getting up, I told Kara I was going to grab a drink. She waved me off and barely looked away from her boy toy to acknowledge me. Nice. What a wingman.
I was halfway down the stairs when a firm hand gripped my wrist, spinning me around until my face was pressing into a very tight, very muscular chest. Breathing in, I smelled a crisp, sandalwood scent that was mixing with the sweat on his skin. It was intoxicating, and as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t bring myself to move away from him.
“Don’t run away, Lexi girl. I promise I won’t bite. At least not until you ask,” he said as he let his lips graze over my earlobe.
For the second time I shivered in the presence of this practical stranger, and again I wondered why I was so affected by him. We’d only spoken a dozen or so sentences between us and I knew nothing about the guy except for his name and his seat-stealing abilities. Pulling out of his grasp, I sprinted down the steps as best as I could, trying to navigate around the fans who were trying to beat the halftime rush to the bathroom.
I made it through the tunnel and into the walkway where the smells of the stadium food made my stomach growl. I decided to hide out in line, ready to satisfy myself with a signature cheese coney. Before I knew what was happening, I was pulled out of line and backed against a wall. As soon as I caught my breath, I glared up at my assailant.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I fumed, trying to fight the arousal that was threatening to surface.
Placing both hands on the wall behind me, he brought his face within inches from mine. He was at least a foot taller than me, so I had to strain my neck to look up at him. His eyes were clouded and his lips parted when he saw me watching him. I didn’t know why, but I was burning with anticipation for him to brand me with his mouth.
