by JJ Knight
I swallow hard, trying to salvage some control. “But it’s your birthday, not mine.”
Lily pulls back and looks at me, then puts both tiny hands on my cheeks. “Mama says your birthday was a long time ago,” she says solemnly. “I missed it.”
“It’s okay, baby.” I squeeze her again and look over her shoulder at Delores. A mass of gray curls tops the woman’s tough and emotionless expression. She hates me, disapproves of my actions. I don’t blame her. She’s the one who had to see Maddie through the worst days of pregnancy, birth, and managing a baby alone.
But she’s here. She brought Lily to me.
I take a few steps toward her, shifting Lily so I can carry her more easily.
“Hello, Parker,” Delores says stiffly. She jingles her car keys. “You ready to go?”
“Thank you for coming to get me.”
She turns away. “Lily wanted to come,” she says.
Lily wiggles her way down so she can walk. She takes my hand, clutching it like I might get away. My chest is tight. I am going to make this right. I have to.
Listening to her on the phone is one thing. And seeing pictures and watching her grow in status updates on Maddie’s Facebook page are another. But this is different. Lily is real, right beside me. And she wants me here.
Everything else starts to fall away. The gym. The fights. The car, the money, the career. This is where I need to be.
I don’t want to leave her again.
Chapter 6
Delores wants to drop me off at my motel, but I convince her to let me take her and Lily to eat at a pizzeria down the street. I don’t want to let Lily go, but I’m more than a little terrified of managing her by herself. I’ll endure the bitter glares of the aunt.
Lily is bouncy and animated, standing up in the booth. Delores tries to get her to sit down and be more ladylike. When I say, “Just let her be a kid,” the woman shoots daggers at me with her steely eyes.
Fair enough. I haven’t had to do any parenting.
“Do you like your picture?” Lily asks.
Lily has given me a picture of her in a Popsicle-stick frame that she decorated with macaroni.
“I love it,” I tell her.
The pizza is taking forever to come and I’m not sure I can handle Delores glaring at me much longer.
I push a coloring page at Lily. “Let’s turn this monkey into a monster,” I say.
“Like the really scary ones under my bed?”
“Just like those.”
Delores looks away. I add green horns to the head of the cartoon monkey on the page. Lily giggles and gives him a long spiky tail.
“You ready to scare this monster away, Lily?” I ask.
“He’s going to run away fast!” she says.
I draw in a stick-figure girl in front of the monster monkey. Lily adds crazy electric hair.
“You are scary,” I say. “Are you going to write RAWR?”
She sets down the crayon. “I don’t know how to spell, silly.”
My throat closes up. Right. She’s not even four yet. I glance down at her outfit. I assume kids are potty trained by now. I’m around exactly zero children. None of my friends have any. People who get married in my world end up off with their families and disappear.
There’s no telltale diaper bulge in her little striped pants. That part must be over. Another thing Maddie had to do alone.
When I was here two years ago, Delores, probably just to show me how useless I was, handed me a smelly squirmy toddler with the order to change her.
Maddie hadn’t been home. I dug a diaper out of the big bag she always lugged around and found the strange padded plastic thing with little adhesive tabs. Lily squirmed all over the place and I had no idea how I was supposed to clean her up. I used one clean diaper to clear off the worst of the mess, then fastened a second one on. Lily looked down at her belly and said, “Kitty gone!”
I had no idea what she was talking about. When I tried to snap her clothes shut, she got upset. “Kitty kitty kitty kitty!”
Eventually Delores left whatever she was stirring in the kitchen to see what the fuss was about.
“Oh good Lord,” she said, flipping Lily over to show me the kitty printed on her butt. “This part goes in front.” She opened the fasteners and frowned at the still partly sticky baby parts. “Did you clean her up at all?”
She tugged a plastic case from the bag and withdrew a wet wipe. The case wasn’t marked. How was I supposed to know what was in it?
I backed away. I remember thinking that I didn’t have any point in being there. I was just the sperm donor who sent money every month. Lily wasn’t easy to manage, clinging to Maddie and Delores. She seemed bewildered by this big tattoo-covered man who tried to play with her.
I’m starting to feel the same way now, sitting in this pizza place, wondering what will happen if Lily has to go to the bathroom. I assume Delores will take her. I can’t drag her into the men’s. My anxiety starts to rise. She’ll set me up again, I know it. Show me just how worthless I am.
“Write the word, Daddy!” Lily says, poking at the page.
I quickly scrawl RAWR in a little bubble over the girl’s head. Lily picks up the picture to admire it. “I’m going to keep this forever.”
I glance at Delores. She’s looking at Lily with concern. And I get it. Lily is different now, older, and starting to understand the world. Figuring out what she’s missing. It won’t be much longer and her opinion of me will start to match the other women of the house.
My confidence starts to drain. Maybe she is better off without me messing things up.
The pizza arrives. I learn that Lily only likes the pointy ends, and I let her take a few bites from each piece. “Mama makes me eat the whole thing,” she says.
“That’s because just eating the points is silly,” Delores says.
Lily looks to me for a confirmation.
“You can have all my pointy parts,” I tell her.
She lays her head against my arm.
“How long are you staying this time?” Delores asks.
“Until Tuesday,” I say. The party is Saturday, and I hope to spend Sunday with Lily. Then Monday I’m meeting with some of Colt’s friends to try and line up a decent match so I can come again. But I can’t tell Delores that. I have a feeling she won’t approve of the fight.
She’s staring at the tattoos that are visible below the sleeves of my T-shirt. I wish I’d worn something longer, or kept my jacket on. Delores has always had the ability to make me feel like I was bad news for her niece. She’s probably right.
But then it doesn’t matter, because Lily’s head pops up and she cries, “Mama!”
Maddie’s here.
Chapter 7
Maddie stands by the table, looking me over. I can’t speak. I haven’t seen her in two years, and the changes in her blow me away.
She was always beautiful in a natural way, raven haired, quick to laugh, olive skinned with a big, happy smile. Back in those days, she wore jeans and T-shirts and was just as happy sitting on a street corner cutting up with friends as anything. She struck me as wild and free thinking. And we had been crazy for each other, taking risks, running around the streets of LA like nothing could get to us.
But now I can see the influence of working with that designer. Her hair is magazine perfect, glossy and expertly cut. Everything about her is refined and tasteful. She’s got on a wine-colored suit with a short jacket and fitted skirt. She seems leaner than when I knew her, even before she got pregnant. But maybe it’s her posture, poised and confident, like a model or an actress.
I can’t stop staring.
Lily waves her hands in front of my face. “You okay, Daddy?”
My face burns. Shit. I’m obvious even to a little kid. “Hello, Maddie,” I say.
“I see you made it okay,” she says and slides into the booth next to Delores.
“Easy trip.”
“Good.” She glances down at the pi
zza and notices the corners. “Are you eating all the tips?” she asks Lily.
“My fault,” I say. “I think it’s cute.”
“I’m cute,” Lily says.
“You are that,” Maddie says. She relaxes a little, and I realize that the dramatic entrance was just her being nervous too. It’s not any easier for her to see me than for me to see her.
“You look well,” she says to me.
Lily runs her hands across my jaw. “He’s got whiskers!” she says.
“Shaving apparently isn’t cool for fighter boys,” Delores says.
“It suits you,” Maddie says.
Lily rubs my head. “But there’s not much hair up here!”
I tug at her long locks. “That’s so nobody can pull it.”
She looks at me solemnly. “That’s not nice.”
“I agree.” I’m trying not to laugh.
“I saw you won a big one the other night,” Maddie says. She’s not impressed. Just making conversation, I can tell. But she noticed. That’s something.
“Not so big,” I say. “But I’m doing all right.”
Maddie slides a piece of pizza onto a plate, shaking her head at the tiny teeth marks on the missing corner. “I’m starving. I had to work through lunch.”
“Are you going to make the target date for the new line?” Delores asks.
I just sit and listen as they talk about her job and the designer’s next launch. I know next to nothing about her world. And it gives me an excuse to look at her.
I try to place this refined, confident woman next to the crazy carefree girl I knew four years ago, and it’s not easy. Even two years ago, she was barely out of college and trying to figure out what to do next. The change is remarkable.
“Daddy, Daddy!” Lily tugs at my hand. “Can we play the game in the corner? Can we?” I look over where she’s pointing. There’s an old-school pinball machine there, lit up with flashing bulbs.
“Sure,” I say.
Maddie and Delores turn to us, frowning.
“Really, Parker? Video games?” Delores says.
“It’s just pinball.” I slide out of the booth. They’re ganging up on me now. This weekend might be torture. I make a vow to stay focused on Lily.
We wind our way to the corner, and despite my determination, I feel my blood start to boil. Why are they making this so damn hard? I’m here to see my daughter. It’s almost as if they want to keep me as miserable as possible so I won’t come back.
I drop quarters into the machine and it comes to life with loud clangs and blinking lights. Lily is mesmerized. I show her the plunger to pull to release the ball. Her first attempt doesn’t propel it far enough to get out of the chute, so I help her. The shiny metal ball starts dancing through the maze, slamming into bumpers that buzz and chime.
The ball starts to fall toward the exit, so I show her the flipper buttons. She lies across the top of the machine on her belly, arms outstretched so she can reach them both. I press her fingers so she hits it in time, sending the ball back up into play.
She’s laughing so hard that it’s hard to concentrate. When the ball falls to the bottom, she cries, “Is it over?”
“Nope,” I say. “There’s still more balls.”
We launch the next one and I take a moment to glance over at the table where Maddie and Delores sit, watching us. I turn back to the game just in time to hit a flipper to keep the ball from sinking again. It falls into a kick-out hole.
Lily presses her face against the plexiglass. “Is it stuck?”
“Watch. It’s going to spit it out.”
The points ratchet up and then the ball pops out to bump around again. Lily squeals, “I love this game!”
I hold her in place as she mashes the flippers. I wonder about all the things she hasn’t gotten to do, things I can show her. I may have missed a lot, but I haven’t missed everything. Even if Maddie can’t stand me, and even if Delores wants to make things difficult, I’m going to prove to them that Lily having her dad around is a good thing.
Chapter 8
So it turns out, I’m a clown.
Lily’s puffy tear-streaked face appears just inside the door. But as soon as she sees me, she starts laughing so hard that she falls on the carpet and starts rolling around.
Yes, it’s that ridiculous.
Maddie straightens the rainbow wig on my head and steps back. “It suits you.”
Our last-minute costume is the result of Happy the Clown calling in sick, threatening to ruin Lily’s birthday party. When her mother broke the news to her, she holed up in her bedroom with loud awful sobs.
My transformation from fighter to circus act was actually my idea. After watching Maddie frantically call clown after clown and getting nothing, I offered to run down to a party store and pick up a few supplies. Big shoes. Rainbow wig. And a cheap polka-dot jumper.
There’s no mirror in the dining room, so I have no idea what I look like. But judging by Lily’s nonstop laughter, it’s got to be good.
Delores comes into the room. “Now that’s funny,” she says. It’s the first time she’s cracked a smile since I arrived yesterday.
“I think you need some pink on your cheeks,” Maddie says. “Come with me.” She looks down at Lily. “Wash your face, pretty princess. Your party friends will be here in less than half an hour.”
Lily jumps up to run to the bathroom. Maddie leads me down a hall. I’ve never been in the back of Delores’s house, just the front rooms. My heart hammers as I follow her. We haven’t been alone together since Maddie took off from LA.
She’s dressed more like her old self today. Distressed jeans that hug her hips. A ruffled shirt that flutters as she walks. Her hair is twisted into a loose knot, bits spilling out. We turn into a bedroom, and being this close to a bed and Maddie at the same time makes my groin tighten.
In a clown suit.
“Sit there,” she says, pointing to the bed. This does nothing to cool my jets.
Her room is messy, like she always was, and I relax a little. She hasn’t completely changed. She rummages through a million jars and tubes piled on a makeup table. Her bed isn’t made. I picture her tangled in the sheets and have to clamp down my jaw. Get it under control. It’s your daughter’s birthday party.
But I imagine some other scenario. If we were a real couple, and Lily was busy watching Delores frost the cake, and we had a minute alone, I could lock the door and have a free moment with Maddie, just a few minutes, to pull her into me.
We were crazy with it before everything happened. We mastered the location quickie. In bathrooms, behind the rows of washing machines at the Laundromat, in cars, on cars, behind cars, against trees. My house. Her mother’s house. Every room. Every flat surface.
I’m relieved now for the baggy polka-dot suit. I’m painfully pressed against the seam of my boxers.
“Here we go,” Maddie says. “This will do.”
She steps up to the bed and leans in with an open tub of something pink.
I clear my throat to make sure my voice is going to work. “What are you about to do to me?” I say it deliberately, in a voice that used to work on her.
She pauses, her eyes flicking at my face, those long lashes fluttering. She knows what I’m saying.
“Something a hell of a lot different than I used to.”
My need for her is killing me now. I want to encircle her waist with my hands, pull her in. It takes everything I’ve got to resist.
I clench the edge of the bed instead. Maddie moves up close. She dips a finger into the tiny tub and spreads color on my cheek.
She’s touching me, and I’m not sure I can take one more second of it. Her shirt buttons down the front, the first one sort of low. I can see the shadow between her breasts, and all the times I held them in my palms rush at me like a motion picture.
She smells like evergreen and spice, nothing flowery about her. Her fingers brush across my other cheek, and frankly I don’t care if she paints my w
hole face if she’ll just stay this close.
Maddie bites her lips, concentrating as she goes back to the first cheek, sweeping in a circle. “This is harder than it looks,” she says.
I’ll say. Her body is so close to mine, I can feel the heat coming off her skin.
She pulls back to examine her work. “I think that’s good.” Then she looks into my eyes. And I can see that all that cool control she is showing is a damn lie. She feels every single thing I do. And I can’t resist placing my hands on her waist. I have to touch her.
She looks away, and I know I can’t push it, not right now, with the party about to start. But she presses her free hand against one of mine, just for a second, and hope surges through me like a volcano erupting.
“Thank you for saving the day,” she says. “Lily was so upset.”
She takes a step away, forcing me to let go of her waist. The moment has passed.
“Just don’t sell the photos to the gossip rags and destroy my bad-boy image,” I say.
She laughs a little and I can see the old Maddie in her face, the one I knew when we were young and carefree. What I wouldn’t give to have just another day of that.
“Well, Mr. Happy the Clown, time to get out there.”
“What am I supposed to do with the kids for two hours?”
She screws the lid back on the tub. “I have no idea.”
This could be bad.
Chapter 9
I’m probably not the most traditional clown act in town, but what I lack in training, I make up for in entertainment.
I dance. I sing silly songs, forgetting the words so the kids have to finish. I let little girls go for rides on my shoulders, holding one on each side of my head like a strongman. We turn Lily into a human barbell and I lie on my back and bench-press her giggling form.
They laugh. They have cake. Lily opens a dozen presents, clothes and dolls and stuffed animals.
When the last little girl finally tearfully waves good-bye, I collapse on the sofa. Lily instantly comes over to sit on my lap.
