“I don’t care. They wish they could kiss a girl like you.”
“Adam, my love, I will see you in a few hours.”
This roller coaster ride they were on was stretching the limits of her emotional well-being but her beloved Adam had come back to her for the moment at least. The rest of the day she spent in a splendid torment. She wondered if she went to his condo and he wasn’t there how she would be able to endure it.
This time as she drove over the bridge, she was not singing and was filled with trepidation. When she arrived, she saw his bike sitting there and almost started crying with joy.
“Arianna, my love, I’m so happy you’re here. Come here and let me hold you.”
“You don’t know how wonderful I feel right now. I was scared to death that you wouldn’t be here and that you would change your mind. Please talk to me and tell me what you have been thinking about. What is making you act in this radical way?”
“I guess the pressure of trying to decide what the right thing to do is getting to me. Trying to separate all the emotions everyone is feeling is difficult. I never went to my appointment with the lawyer. Now, don’t get upset. I guess I’m just not ready yet. I can’t figure out a way to save my marriage or even if I want to but I also can’t figure out how to end it. It is messing me up. I guess I wanted to believe that things weren’t right between us because that would let me get back with Patty Jo. I could justify leaving you and tell myself I’m married and I don’t have the right to be with you anyway. Please don’t start crying, I can’t take that, just listen to me.”
“Believe it or not, I understand. If I wasn’t so crazy in love with you, I wouldn’t be thinking about divorce. I probably would have just let my life go on the way it was. But now that I have met you and I do feel this way, to go back to the loveless life I was living just seems too impossible a thing to ask.”
“My Mum keeps telling me I ain’t the kind to take care of kids, that even if I divorced that I shouldn’t mess with you because she doesn’t think I could handle it. My brothers, even my sister say they think if we got married, we wouldn’t stand a chance. I never want any kids of my own but I like your kids, but I don’t know if I’m ready to be married and be responsible for someone else’s kids. I wouldn’t want to mess your kids up.”
“Commitment to one person is an enormous undertaking but commitment to three people is quite an endeavor. I get it. But we have a once in a lifetime to live and have an adventure where there will always be surprises and wonder because we will have that kind of love and loyalty to each other. I know that.”
“But I do love ya’ girl. I want to spend my life with you and the boys. I don’t want to be torn up like this. I wish it could be easy but it’s not and there’s no getting around that it’s not.”
“I love you and I will live my life proving it to you every day till I die.”
“Let’s just stay here and hold each other and listen to music and look at the stars. That’s enough for me, just to be here with you tonight.”
There was a resurgence of energy filling her soul. He touched her so lightly; it felt like butterflies dancing on her skin. She let her guard down again and drifted back into the deep crevices of his heart where she felt she belonged. She was his woman, and could never be with anyone else.
“I probably shouldn’t tell you this but I was supposed to take her and my Mum out to dinner tonight. I am so glad you came over today. I told her I had to work late and would do it tomorrow. Now I just have to figure out how to handle tomorrow. What a mess.”
“I wish I could have talked to you about this. At least it would be a little easier for me to understand why you change so abruptly. She could have cared less about you before. She was going out with that other guy and not even keeping in contact with you. Not until you told your Mom about me did she decide that she wanted you back. I can’t help but wonder if she never knew about me if she would have tried to get back together with you.”
“Don’t you think I know that? I keep telling her that but she keeps getting hysterical and crying all the time begging me to try once more. She keeps saying stuff like we should have children, not that I should be a father to your children but that I should have my own.”
“That’s harsh and hurtful to hear that, even though the words are not yours, it’s still hard to hear that about my boys. They are the greatest thing in my life. You told me she never spoke about having children.”
“Let’s take things a little slower. There are so many emotions going on between all of us. You’re right about her. This is something new, this urge to have children. I know it’s all coming because of her jealousy of you and her possession of me. I’ve been her guy since we were young teens and I guess she thought I were never leave her, that if anyone ever did any leaving it would be her. The strange thing is that guy she’s dating has asked her to marry him.”
“That is probably making her a little crazy too, if she has all that going on in her life. That means she’s presented with an ultimatum to choose between you and before she can go on with him, she has to know things are really over with you.”
“You’re exactly right, in fact, she told me that she told him she couldn’t marry him unless I told her there was no chance we were getting back together.”
“It looks like everyone involved in this disaster is being pressured in some way or another. Everyone is facing extremely difficult choices. Each person reacts differently when they are backed up to the wall that fight or flight thing. I’m the kind of person who will fight till the end and you, it seems like you take the flight path. When we start on a course, we rarely end up the navigator as life unpredictability comes rolling at us and we end up out of control. That’s the way it seems to me right now that no one is in control and everyone is going in and out of a chaotic blender, not deciding on any one course for sure. Once there are enough weeds in the garden, most people just want to get the heck out of there instead of fix it.”
“Truthfully, I’m one of those people. I can’t take much conflict or emotional breakdown. I just want life to be clean and simple. If things are too messy, that means something’s not right and it’s time to get out.”
“But Adam, in our situation, there are so many conflicts that have nothing to do with our feelings for each other. They are occurring because we are both married, not because we have trouble getting along or loving each other. That’s completely different.”
“I know you’re right but I just don’t do well with stuff like this. I never have since my Dad died. I like things to go smoothly or I start to unravel. The one thing I am certain of is that I know I love you and in a way that I never did with her. That means a lot to me; that’s a place to start.”
“I feel as if you have made a decision of sorts. You did decide to be with me tonight instead of going to be with her. That’s a pretty positive thing to hold onto.”
“Yes, and I am happy that I made that choice. Seeing your face tonight and the comforting way you feel in my arms, that’s a good thing.”
“We will need to support each other through these days, to hold on to that love and stay close. I love you, you crazy boy and nothing will ever change that, whether you stay or leave, I am your captive.”
“I love you too, girl, with all my heart. Let’s meet tomorrow and just do something slow and easy and take a break from dealing with all this stuff. Maybe we can just go hang out at the beach.”
“That sounds great. I feel so much better now—until tomorrow then, until tomorrow.”
Chapter XII
An Unexpected Trip
Returning home, she couldn’t sleep. The last few days were so difficult; she was relieved their evening together tonight was a time to relive instead of to regret. She was happy again, full of hope for their future together. It had to work out; it must, for she could not envision a life that did not include him. Tomorrow would be a wonderful day, a day she could get through without feeling she was being pulled apart. To
morrow would be a celebration that they had made it through a tough test and they were still together.
Her skin tingled with excitement for she knew she would see her baby tonight. She laid out her white leather skirt and iridescent form fitting shirt. She took out the virgin pink negligee she had purchased for a special occasion and she was sure this was it. It was all Victorian lace, tied with white silk on the sides and the front with little pink bows. She thought about what how his gaze upon her would look in this sexy ensemble.
She had decided to surprise him by decorating the condo, leaving rose petals and love notes throughout the condo. Chris had taken the boys to the park so she would be able to take the trip to his place and set everything up. At the last minute, she decided to add helium balloons for effect. It was only 11:00AM; she would have plenty of time before he came home at 3:00PM. She smiled to think about how he would react when he would come into the room and see the celebratory atmosphere.
She bounced along with the balloons in the car and sang happily during the ride to his place. She hoped he would be pleased when he came home to see all the decorations.
As she turned into the parking lot, she was surprised to see his bike there. Had he come home from work sick? This would spoil her much anticipated surprise. She parked the car where he couldn’t see it and thought maybe I can still figure out how to do this if he’s just home for lunch. As she walked up the steps, the door to his condo was wide open. She walked through and saw everything was in complete disorder, things were strewn everywhere. She wondered what was going on that his place was in such disarray. She heard activity coming from the bedroom and walked in. There was nothing in the world that could have prepared her for what she saw next.
The bedroom was completely torn up, drawers thrown upside down. Clothing and various sundries were thrown everywhere around the floor. He was sitting, cloaked in black, with his head down. A bed roll was next to him and his hands were holding onto a duffel bag.
“Christ, what the hell are you doing here? Do you come here during the day when I’m not here or something? What made you come here today, of all days, damn it.”
“I was…ah…ah. Adam, what are you doing? What’s happening?” She yelled as she threw herself down in front of him at his knees.
“Damn it, damn it, do you have some kind of freaky radar or something. Fifteen freaking more minutes and I would have been gone. Damn it.”
He shoved past her and headed to the bar area of the kitchen. She followed and had already started to shake.
“Tell me what’s going on and say something besides damn it?”
“What the hell does it look like I’m doing? I’m sure you’ve figured it out by now. I’m leaving. You get it? I’m freaking leaving town. You being here is not going to change that either. It’s gonna’ mess with my head for sure, but I’m still going.”
His face reddened and he became rigid. She was usually the one to pace but it was he who started walking around the room in circles. She was so shell shocked that she just stood there and stared at him. When she finally moved, they were wooden steps. She poured herself a drink. Reaching out to touch him, he shrugged her hand off and said,
“No, I don’t want to talk. You’re not stopping me. Everything’s settled. It’s too late. You’re here, that’s a complication but it doesn’t change anything. I’m leaving.”
“Where are you going?”
“Damn it, don’t start crying. I’ll lose it if one more person starts crying around me. If you start crying, I’ll walk out the door without even taking my stuff. I’ll buy new stuff on the road. When I’m done packing, I’ll sit down and talk to you for a few minutes before I leave. If that’s not good enough, just leave now.”
“I need to get something out of my car if that’s ok. I’ll be right back.”
“Yeah, yeah, the door’s open. Don’t take too long because I’m leaving in the next half hour.”
She retrieved the meal she had prepared for them, the roses and, of course, the dozen balloons. Feeling like an utter fool, she grabbed everything and felt like just throwing it all in the dumpster but then thought she would take the food and balloons home later to the children. She had thought he would be thinking of her and looking forward to tonight as much as she had but instead he was planning to not just leave her but leave town. It was too much to comprehend.
He didn’t need to worry about her crying, she was frozen into cold, jagged ice. She took her parcels that once were to be for joy and brought them upstairs. As she was putting the food in the refrigerator, he said, “
“What the hell is all that stuff?”
“I wanted to tell you earlier but there didn’t seem to be any point anymore. No, I wasn’t coming over to check on you. No, it’s not my daily practice to make the rounds at your condo or stop in here. It’s just a freaking fluke that I came over. I was so damn happy about yesterday that I woke up thinking I wanted to surprise you with rose petals, balloons and supper. I was so happy; I guess you could definitely say we weren’t on the same page. I thought yesterday meant we were back on track.”
“Damn”, he muttered over and over again. “This is just great. I guess I’m with Mother Theresa. Don’t you ever get mad? What’s wrong with you? You should have been mad as hell and instead you’re bringing over balloons.”
She sat there, here head in her hands, emotionally broken. She stared at the floor and thought of what he had just said. He looked so controlled and grim.
He pulled his chair next to her and said, “I can’t take hurting you. That’s why I wanted to leave before I saw you. Maybe you should go.”
“No, I can’t leave, not like this. Please don’t make me go. At least tell me why you decided to go.”
“What’s the difference? It’s not going to change anything. Everything’s ruined now.”
He put some Dylan on and lay once again in the Adam position on the floor. His arms crossed under his head, his eyes staring at the ceiling.
“I had this all worked out and now you’ve changed everything. I’d already have been on my way by now. I have to go. It’s the only way out. You, Patty Jo, Mum, none of you would leave me alone and all of you wanted something different from me. I couldn’t stand the crying and the begging and I couldn’t decide what to do so I just decided it’s time to get the hell outa’ here for a while. I just up and quit my job, came home and decided to leave with just a bedroll and a couple of bucks in my pocket. I’ve been taking care of my Mum since my Dad died. I always had to be there for her. Right from there to Patty Jo while I was still taking care of my Mum and now there’s you with two little critters. Maybe I love you all but I have to take care of just me for a while. I don’t want to go to work for a while. I just want to go cruising and see some of the sights of this land. Why not, lots of people do it?”
“You quit your job, just like that. I thought you liked it there.”
“I did, but I had to make a decision and that’s the one I made. I told Patty Jo I was going to file and she became hysterical. She said she would never sign the papers. She wants us to go to counseling. If I leave, no one can find me and you won’t want me anymore like this, especially with no job now. I’m not going to be able to make her car payment or pay her credit card bills, that will make her want to sign those papers. If I go and everyone hates me, maybe that’s for the best.”
“Where are you planning to go?”
“Some place…some place where no one can find me. Christ, you could probably find me, it’s like you’re telepathic about me.”
“You make it seem as if I were hunting you instead of trying to love and please you. I’m sorry this all had to happen, sorry for both of us.”
“I know. I know, you’re a good kid and you deserve someone better than me. It’s not you, girl, it’s me. You’ve been good to me, the best. But I can’t stand being pulled apart like this. Anyway that I look at the situation, I lose. Whatever I do will be wrong for someone.”
“How d
oes it help to leave town? I just don’t understand that. Do you plan on staying away permanently? What about your Mom?”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about that. I guess she’ll just have to get used to it. I’ll keep in touch with her by phone. I want to travel and see some of the USA, she’ll understand that.”
“What will you do for money?”
“I guess I’ll just go from town to town, picking up odd jobs along the way, enough for me to get by. Some religious person will always try to save me and probably give me a room to stay in.”
“How long have you been thinking about doing this, it didn’t just come up yesterday like you were saying?”
“No, it didn’t. Before I even met you, I used to think about it all the time. Getting away, being free to do just what I wanted to do for me and no one else. Just once, to live my life the way I want. I would have probably left then but I met you.”
“You were going to leave without saying good-bye, without any contact at all with me?”
“Damn it, I told you. I can’t handle it. You’re not listening. I’m going to lose it if we keep talking about it.”
“I will talk about it. How much more can I lose now if you’re leaving? I’m already broken, what else do I have to lose if I’ve lost you? If you go, will you take me with you, just for a few days? Let me get use to the idea of having to say good-bye to you. Will you do that for me?”
“You’re crazy. I just said I was leaving. What purpose does it serve for you to come along with me? Besides, I’m taking the bike. I’m roughing it. I didn’t plan on staying at any hotels. I’m going to sleep outside and what about your boys?”
“If you leave me now, like this, I don’t know what will happen to me. I wouldn’t be any good to anyone. I will have a break down. Chris can take a few days’ vacation and stay with the boys. I won’t make it if you leave me like this. I don’t care where we sleep if I’m with you, I’ll sleep outside and eat berries off the bushes. I don’t care, I don’t care about anything if I’m going to lose you forever, let me say good-bye, let me do it gradually. I promise you, just a couple of days and I will let you go. I’ll fly back from wherever we are.”
Sweet Sins Page 9
