by Lindsey Beck
“And perhaps you should use the wheel chair at trial. You still look shaky to me,” the prosecutor gently suggested as he opened the office door for him.
Janie sighed. She was tired and really did need the chair. She had only recently accomplished the goal of walking on her own. It was something she didn’t think she would ever do again, but thanks to Matthew’s relentlessness, she was walking short distances with the help of a cane.
“I will consider it. Thank you,” Janie coolly replied. Shelley stood as she came into the lobby.
“You look tired,” Shelley quietly commented as she guided Janie to their car. “How did it go?”
Janie sighed as she awkwardly lowered her body into the car. She would be in her wheelchair for the rest of the night. Her muscles were aching with overuse, but she still hated the humiliation of that chair. It reminded her of everything that she couldn’t have - everything that felt unattainable which was basically her life.
“Horrible. I just can’t imagine putting this guy away for ten, twenty or thirty years.”
“Janie! He was driving drunk and hit you.”
“He had just lost his wife and children,” Janie whispered, sorrow filling her eyes.
“Oh.”
“Yeah. He had buried them that morning. The attorney thinks he’ll get a sympathy vote from the jury and I can’t say that I really blame them. He deserves compassion not jail time.”
“What about you?”
“What about me? I’m not dead.”
“He still injured you.”
“Yes and his insurance company has paid and then some. I can’t hold this against him, Shelley. I just can’t.”
“Jake and Matthew are not going to like it.”
“Yeah, well who cares.”
Shelley glanced over at Janie as she buckled her own seatbelt. “He loves you, you know.”
Janie slowly exhaled. Neither one questioned who Shelley was referring to. “Like a little sister. Apparently, he has every reason to.” Janie jerked her head back to the attorney’s office. “He thinks I look like I’m twelve years old.”
“No, he didn’t.”
“Yes. He said I needed a haircut and the wheelchair.”
Shelley muttered something under her breath. Janie stared out the side window of Shelley’s Honda and watched as the landscape floated by. Her mind was not on the scenery, but on the last time she had seen Matthew.
He had taken her swimming at a local pool, claiming therapeutic properties. Janie just saw it as sheer torture.
“You know this would work better in a bathing suit.”
“I have on a bathing suit,” Janie stubbornly returned as she slowly descended down the pool stairs. The water was icy against her legs and she shivered slightly. The sun was setting so the pool was virtually empty. All of the children, moms, and teens had vacated the area a few hours ago. She preferred it that way. It was bad enough that Matthew would have to see the scars on her legs. She didn’t want everyone else to see them too.
“I meant without the baggy t-shirt and shorts,” Matthew sarcastically stated, gently taking her hands. “The water itself is enough resistance without having to be bogged down with the outfit too.”
Janie shrugged. “I’m more comfortable this way.”
“When did that happen? You never wore t-shirts or shorts before.”
“Things change.”
Matthew studied her intently for a few moments. He pulled her closer to him, his dark brown eyes searching her own. Janie felt warmth creeping into her face despite the chilliness of the water.
“It’s the scars, isn’t it?”
Janie looked away. The motion itself was enough of an answer. Matthew’s fingers gently captured her chin and pulled her gaze back to him. “Why?”
Janie haphazardly shrugged and tried to move away. She didn’t want to talk about this, but Matthew’s grip tightened on her arms effectively holding her in place.
“Because.”
“Because why, Janie? You’re not getting out of this so easy.”
She jerked her chin from his grasp, defiantly refusing to look at him or answer him. She was determined to wait him out.
“Come on, Janie. Talk to me,” his voice was whisper soft and persuasively coaxing. She hated it when he used that tone with her. It nearly almost made her spill her guts every time. Why did she let him have this much power over her?
“They shouldn’t matter…”
“They do matter,” Janie caustically replied. She didn’t want him to see them. It was bad enough that he even knew about them. She was already having a hard time in their relationship and everything else in her shattered life. She didn’t want to see the look of pity on his face. Worse, she didn’t want to be rejected by him. The scarring marred her once creamy skin. She feared he would never truly want her once he saw them. Who would ever want her once they saw them? “They’re hideous.”
Matthew shook his head. “Nothing about you could ever be hideous, Janie.” He leaned forward and slowly, tenuously took the shirt fabric in his hands. “Nothing could ever make you hideous to me, Sweetheart. Come on. At least take off the shirt. You‘ll be able to move better.”
Janie swiped at her tears. “I don‘t think I can.”
“You can do anything. I’ve seen it,” Matthew whispered. Tenderly, he touched her check and then softly lifted the hem of her shirt. The wet cotton slipped over Janie’s head. Tears came heavier as Janie watched his eyes gaze appraisingly over her.
“Ah. See,” he whispered, cupping her face between the palms of his hands. His eyes met hers again. “Beautiful.”
Janie’s hands slipped over his wrist. The intimacy of the moment made her face flush. Her heart was galloping. He was going to kiss her and she wanted him to. His fingers slipped into her hair, brushing it behind her shoulder before coming to rest once again on her face.
She closed her eyes, enjoying the warmth of his skin against hers. And then she felt his lips on her forehead, her cheeks, the tip of her nose…An involuntary sigh escaped her lips. She was lifting her mouth up slightly in anticipation of his kiss when she felt his presence withdraw.
Matthew had moved to the opposite end of the pool when she finally willed her eyes to open. His face was also flushed with excitement, but she saw a familiar sadness in his expression.
“We should get to work,” he called to her.
Janie shook her head in exasperation. She reached for her discarded t-shirt floating nearby. She pulled the water logged cotton back over her head and walked to the stairs.
“I’m much too depressed to work now!” she returned and climbed out. She didn’t wait for him, but started the walk back to the car.
It had been one of the few times, he had allowed her close enough to touch him. It had been wonderful. When he abruptly left her, she felt empty. She sighed noisily, fingering the blond braid that extended past her shoulders and to her waist.
“And he’s right about the haircut. Matthew’s always teased me about these braids. I thought after the accident…I thought maybe he wanted me as something more than a little sister,” Janie slowly admitted, tossing a braid over her shoulder. It wasn‘t like her feelings weren‘t obvious. “Its been six months since the accident and he won’t approach me with a ten foot pole. Except, of course, when he’s torturing me with therapy.”
“You wouldn’t be walking without that therapy and you know it.”
“True, but what’s the point. School’s been put off for another semester. I still sometimes need that stupid chair. I haven’t been able to paint since the accident. I don’t read my bible anymore and Matthew doesn’t even want me to be near me.”
Shelley’s eyes narrowed. She glanced over to her passenger and then to the clock. “How tired are you?”
“Why?”
“You want Matthew’s attention, right?”
“Yes,” Janie slowly drawled out.
“So how tired are you?”
Matthew leaned his head on the steer
ing wheel and let out a long-held breath. He questioned his wisdom again as he stared down at his new rent agreement. Signing this document had been heart wrenching, but not near as bad as when he transferred his credits to his new university. Everything was finally in place and ready.
He was leaving.
Janie was near enough to walking now. It was time. He felt awful for doing this in secret, but he knew that Janie and Jake would protest his decisions. They had always been overprotective of him. Now he was trying to return the favor and protect Janie.
He was more in love with her now than before the accident happened. After long hours together, it was harder not to touch her now. It was harder to not take her in his arms and kiss her after each of her hard won accomplishment. It was even harder not to share his feelings with her.
Leaving was going to be harder than kicking his drug habit.
Leaving was going to stretch his endurance to the max.
Leaving was going to be the most painful thing he had ever done to himself.
Wearily, he reached forward and started his truck. He had a three day trip ahead of him and that was if he didn’t hit traffic. The trial would be starting tomorrow and he wanted to make it back before the sentencing.
The attorney’s felt it would be an open and shut case. In fact, they were confident that the man would probably spend the next ten to fifteen years of his life in jail. Matthew was not so confident. They didn’t know Janie the way he knew her.
Janie’s heart had literally broken a few months ago when she found the newspaper articles about her accident. Apparently, Jake had been saving them for some unknown morbid reason. Janie’s injuries and recovery had been depicted along with the story of Harry Loggins.
Loggins’ wife and two daughters were killed in a natural gas explosion while he was away on a business trip. The man had just come from their funeral. No one had anticipated his actions. Loggins had never been a drinker. He had stayed behind when everyone left the graveside service and tried to dull the pain with Jack Daniels.
Matthew ran his fingers through his hair as he negotiated the parking lot. He couldn’t blame him. There was a time when he would have done the same - only his poison of choice would have been meth. Who was he to condemn Harry Loggins when he had done worse? Who was anyone to condemn Harry Loggins? Matthew knew that Janie wouldn’t.
That was part of the reason he worried about the district attorney’s “open and shut case.” Janie would find some way of helping Harry Loggins. He could feel it in his bones.
Chapter Nine
The prosecuting attorney would be less than happy when Janie finished. Jake would be furious, but somehow she didn’t care. She knew what she wanted to do, what she wanted to say, and what the right outcome would look like. She only prayed she had the strength to complete her task.
Janie adjusted her navy blue suit jacket and walked stiffly to the podium in front of the courtroom. Matthew had missed the verdict yesterday, but everyone had expected the guilty verdict. No one would be able to expect what Janie was about to do before sentencing and she wished that Matthew was here to support her. He would have been the only one to understand her reasoning.
“You wished to address the court before sentencing, Miss Rawlings?” the judge peered over his glasses down at her.
Janie anxiously swallowed. “Yes, your honor. I would like to say something.”
“Go ahead then, Miss Rawlings.”
She tried to clear her throat as she placed her notes on the podium. She lifted one last prayer and then locked her gaze onto the judge. He was the one she needed to convince.
“Your honor, please understand that what I am about to say I do not say lightly. Nor have I come before you with preconceived and naïve notions of life. As you and the members of the jury heard in my testimony, I was the sole victim of Mr. Loggins drunk driving. I nearly died. My aorta was torn. My spinal cord was damaged. It was thought that I may never walk again.
“Yet, I stand before you today. I walked to this podium. My heart is still beating inside of my chest,” she paused, letting her words sink in. “And it is all because of grace. God’s grace…His mercy…His goodness have seen me through the last eight months. It is because of Him that I stand before you today to plea for the same grace, mercy, and goodness for Mr. Loggins.”
Somewhere in the background, Janie could hear broken sobs. She glanced down but not back. She fought her own tears. She had to finish this. “It is true that the last eight months have been difficult, but nothing was really taken from me. Yes, my life was set back. Yes, I endured physical therapy. Yes, I have scars that I will bear for the rest of my life. But, Mr. Loggins has admitted his guilt. He is truly remorseful for what he has done. And his insurance company has compensated me considerably.
“It is not truly me that has lost something here. I have been given a second chance at life, but Mr. Loggins lost his family. He lost his wife…his children all in one day. Yes, he made a mistake. No, he should have never gotten behind the wheel of that Nissan pick up truck. But who among us has never made a mistake? Who among us has never hurt another human being?
“We all know what he did was wrong. He knows what he did was wrong, but the man has lost enough. Let’s not add to his burden. I only ask for Mr. Loggins what I myself have received. Mercy and Compassion. Thank you, your honor.”
The courtroom was silent as Janie turned from the podium. She caught sight of the disgusted look on the prosecutor’s face. Inwardly, she winced and swung her gaze to the defense table. Tears fell in long streams down Harry Loggins’ face.
Janie leaned heavily on her cane as she made her way over to the defense’s side of the courtroom. She stepped behind the desk and extended her hand to Harry. Timidly he took it and clasped it between his own.
“I forgive you, Mr. Loggins,” she whispered, as she produced tissues from her pocket and passed them to him.
“Why would you do this?” he croaked. “I don’t deserve it. Any of it.”
“Because Christ did it first.”
The older man broke down into sobs then. Janie reached forward and embraced the man in the middle of the courtroom as reporters began to huddle around them. In the background, she heard the judge yelling for order.
Matthew was waiting in the driveway when Shelley’s Honda arrived. He shook his head as he moved to open Janie’s door. Jake was still railing against her, lecturing her on the imprudence of going against the prosecuting attorney.
“Let it go, Jake. Janie is who she is. We’re never going to change that,” Matthew calmly stated, grabbing Janie’s cane and then her hand to help her out of the car.
“Did you hear about what happened in court today?”
“I saw it on T.V.” Matthew’s eyes locked on Janie’s, a knowing look passing across his features. She had done the same for him two years ago. He had fallen in love with her all over again…seeing her in action this morning, watching as she demonstrated love and compassion for the man that had almost stolen everything from her.
Of course, it had also demonstrated every reason why he was not worthy of her.
“Time already served. Commuted sentence….AA meetings. After everything…” Jake muttered.
Janie’s step faltered slightly as she walked back to the house, ignoring her brother‘s rant. Matthew sighed. She was exhausted. If her gait said anything, her right leg was bothering her as well.
“Jake, why don’t you and Shelley go grab something to eat. I’ll make sure Janie gets some rest,” he glanced at Shelley. “I think he needs some time away from here.”
“Agreed,” Shelley replied, already refastening her seatbelt.
“Sure. Just make sure she doesn’t go about rescuing someone else while we’re gone,” Jake sarcastically sputtered as Shelley put the car in reverse.
By the time Matthew had regained the house, Janie had discarded her jacket and sank deep into the recesses of the couch. Matthew felt his heart stop as his eyes spilled over the lig
ht blue camisole that exposed her soft shoulders. It hugged her curves to perfection leaving nothing to his imagination. It was then that he noticed her hair. The long blond tresses were gone. Instead, her hair now framed her face with wispy, tantalizing curls.
Matthew swallowed hard and shifted uncomfortably. She had always looked younger with her braids. Now there was no denying that she was all grown up.
“Jake will never understand,” Janie finally vocalized.
“No. No, he won’t. For Jake, everything is black and white where you are concerned.” Janie reached for the remote and turned on the TV. She channel surfed for a few moments and then glanced up at him.
“I wasn’t wrong in what I did, was I, Matty?”
Matt moved beside her and took her hand in his own. “No. You weren’t. Harry Loggins did not deserve to spend the next ten to fifteen years in jail, Janie, and you helped everyone see that.”
“Except Jake.”
Matthew chuckled. “Except Jake. Are you hungry?”
Janie shook her head. “No. Just tired.”
He stood up and picked up the blanket from the back of the couch. “Here. Lay down. Get some rest.”
“Okay. Thanks, Matty.”
“You’re welcome, Janie-bug.”
Matthew ran his hands through his hair and slowly exhaled, grateful that Janie had finally stopped crying and fallen asleep. Glancing over at her, he allowed his eyes to take in the soft curves of her face that was now framed by wisps of blond hair.
She looked beautiful and he felt like the backside of a donkey. He admonished himself that keeping his distance was essential to her well-being…her future, but he knew she would be hurt when he left.
Matthew stood and tucked the throw blanket around her again. He pulled her feet up to where he had been sitting. He watched as she snuggled deeper into the couch. The backs of his hands lightly brushed against her face as he tucked the blanket around her shoulders.
He was surprised again by how soft her skin felt. He had touched her repeatedly over the last few months, but only professionally. He made himself forget how wonderful she felt each time her therapy sessions called for his touch. Now he couldn’t stop himself. His fingers had a mind of their own and he was powerless to stop them. Tenderly, they traced the outline of her check.
