4:46am:
Jake, I would like to see you again, but not when you’re lying to me.
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Jake
5:02am:
Katie, I’m sorry I missed your text. I’m still at the gym. Can I swing by your place before work? I want you to see the honesty in my eyes when I tell you exactly how I feel for you. And then you will know that Christine is in my past. When I look into the future, all I see is you.
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5:03am:
Sorry Jake. I don’t want to see you right now.
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Jake
5:04am:
?? Then when?
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5:05am:
Once you get your shit together.
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Jake
5:05am:
What exactly does that mean? Because in one breath you say I can’t love you and in the next you tell me to get my shit together. Which is it?
------------------------------------------
5:06am:
You can’t steal my “in one breath… in the next” saying. Asshole.
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Jake
5:06am:
I have my shit together, Katie. Please agree to see me.
------------------------------------------
5:07am:
No.
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Jake
5:07am:
Why not? You JUST said you’d like to see me again.
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5:08am:
Because you’re lying. Your shit’s not together. You’re still trying to figure out a way to get over Christine so you can win me back.
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Jake
5:09am:
Okay, so explain to me why it’s bad that I want to make myself available to you 100%
5:11am:
Hello?
5:16am:
OK, how about you text me when you’re ready and all grown-up and we can have that coffee.
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3:33pm:
Jake, I decided that I’m going to give you a chance here.
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Jake
3:35pm:
You won’t regret this.
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3:35pm:
Something tells me you’re lying again.
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Jake
3:36pm:
I promise I won’t hurt you.
------------------------------------------
3:36pm:
That’s a big promise. Why not start off small. Like saying you promise you won’t lie to me again.
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Jake
3:37pm:
OK, I promise not to lie to you again. And I also promise I won’t hurt you. Ever.
------------------------------------------
3:38pm:
Only coffee. Nothing else.
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Jake
3:40pm:
Not even a bite to eat? Like a cookie or sandwich?
------------------------------------------
3:41pm:
LOL, asshole. I meant no dinner, no dessert. And definitely no sex.
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Jake
3:42pm:
I wouldn’t want it any other way.
3:42pm:
The way I see this? It’s an opportunity to start off on the right foot. To make things right. To make you see me as the man I want to be for you, not a fuck-buddy.
------------------------------------------
3:44pm:
Don’t hold your breath.
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Jake
3:44pm:
And don’t be surprised when you wake up one day and realize that you love me.
------------------------------------------
3:45pm:
I’ll meet you after work. I’ll be in the lobby of your building.
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Jake
3:46pm:
Good. I’ll see you at 5.
3:48pm:
Oh, right. There you go and disappear. Like you always do.
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Thursday May 2, 2013
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5:43am:
I’m lying here in bed. Thinking about you.
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Jake
5:44am:
I’m doing the same thing.
5:45am:
Was I well-behaved the other night? At coffee?
------------------------------------------
5:45am:
The ultimate gentleman.
5:45am:
What are you doing tonight? I might just let you take me out for dinner.
------------------------------------------
Jake
5:46am:
I would love nothing more.
------------------------------------------
5:47am:
But it’s just dinner.
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Jake
5:47am:
I get it. Baby steps.
5:48am:
You’re worth the wait, Katie. I wouldn’t be holding out like this if you weren’t.
------------------------------------------
5:49am:
Suckit, Jake. Just pick me up at 6 and take me somewhere nice. I’ll be wearing a skirt.
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Jake
5:49am:
You’re irresistible in a skirt.
5:51am:
OK, see you at 6.
------------------------------------------
Saturday, May 4, 2013
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Jake
2:37pm:
Katie, are you there?
------------------------------------------
2:42pm:
Just studying for that quiz I have on Monday. What’s up?
------------------------------------------
Jake
2:42pm:
I want you to know something. I can’t think of anything else outside of you. I wake up looking for you. First in my bed – which is weird, because you’ve only spent the night a couple of times – then on my phone to see if you’ve sent me a message that’s never there, then outside in the faces that I pass as I walk to the subway, and then throughout my day in the numbers I see and conversations that I have. At the office, at lunch, while I’m running in the park, when I leave the dressing room, when I’m walking back to the subway after work and finally when I get home. I’m ALWAYS looking for you.
2:44pm:
And sometimes, when I do see your face in the people I pass, I catch myself holding my breath. I see you in young and old people alike. And you know what I notice, no matter where it is that I see you?
------------------------------------------
2:45pm:
That hallucinogens are a bad thing?
------------------------------------------
Jake
2:46pm:
LOL, no! I notice that you will be beautiful as an older woman. Whether that’s in 10 years or 30, you will be a phenomenally beautiful woman, Katie.
2:46pm:
And I want to be there with you to
experience it. Every aging moment.
2:52pm:
Are you still there? Did I creep you out?
------------------------------------------
2:59pm:
I need to study, Jake.
2:59pm:
Sorry, it’s all very sweet and kind and everything, but I have to get this stuff done. I’ll chat later.
------------------------------------------
There’s a reason I’m reading all of this garbage on the Samsung. And when I hear Will’s footsteps creeping up behind me from our bedroom, I realize that this garbage is a secret that I need to keep from him. Forever. So I kill the screen and slip the phone under my thigh where he won’t see it.
“Are you okay?” he asks, stopping behind me at the sofa. I feel his hand on my shoulder, massaging the muscles that grow tense at the anticipation of his touch. It’s not that I don’t love him, it’s that we never should have gotten married to begin with.
I remind myself to breathe, to calm down. I let my words out calmly. “I’m fine. Just can’t sleep.”
“Me neither.” He lets go of my shoulder and walks around the sofa to sit next to me. Except when he sits down, he leans forward, his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands so I can’t see his face. He’s staring out the windows at the crazy New York City lights. I can see his reflection off the glass and it kills me to find moisture in his eyes, which he thinks he has hidden from me. I’ve killed this man’s spirit. He knows it. He knows everything.
I reach out and rub his back, sending long strokes up and down his spine.
“That was our one shot, Rachel,” he says, his voice cracking. “I can’t do this again.”
“It’s all good,” I assure him. “Now we know.”
He nods, sniffles and wipes his eyes, letting out a tired yet tortured sigh. “I’ve meant to ask, did Jake ever get a hold of you?”
The mention of Jake’s name freezes me and I snap my hand back to my side.
“He said he was at Toshi’s that night. He saw them take out you on a stretcher.”
“He was there?”
Will gives me a look that says he doesn’t believe me. “Yes, he said he was alone. I… I figured he was there to see you.”
I didn’t notice Jake last Friday, but now I wonder why he was there at all. Did he know something? Was he there to meet someone? Christine? Katie?
“No,” I say at last, and even to my own ears the disappointment is crisp and unmasked.
Will stands, wiping his palms down his thighs. I wonder about his nervousness. “Why don’t you come back to bed,” he says, his voice neutral. But I sense the pain there. “You can finish your texting in the bedroom.”
That last part steals my breath and my muscles tighten. He knows about the Samsung?
“I just want you beside me, Rachel. While I sleep.” He waits for a beat, the heads back to the bedroom, his shoulders slouched and his head hanging. This man, I remind myself, loves me more than any other living being, even more than Jake ever loved me. Will honored his commitment to marry me and he provides me with a life that exceeds any expectations I might have had with Jake. He never considered calling our wedding off. Not once has Will berated me or made me feel like anything less than his equal. His love, pure and unconditional, exceeds any other love out there. He worships me, he keeps me safe, and he never has to put his feelings into words for me to know that.
But I can’t love him in return.
I think we both realize that, so the least I can do for him tonight is lay next to him in our bed. It’s not that I owe this to him – I never should have agreed to marry him, that’s what I owed to him – it’s that he deserves it. He deserves more, of course he does, but this is all I can give him.
I get up off the sofa and, catching up to him midway to the bedroom, snuggle into his body and pull his arm around me. Pressing my head against his chest, I breathe in his smell. Will isn’t a bad man. He’s good-looking enough, too. But he simply isn’t my counterpoint.
* * *
The alarm clock reads 4:25. In the morning. At first, I don’t know where I am because Will’s arm holds me tight against his chest. He’s not the hairiest man I know, but compared to Jake’s waxed pecks and chiseled abs, Will may as well be a bear. I hate to admit this, but when we have sex, I always enjoy it more when Will wears a t-shirt. Right now, he’s not wearing one, so I’m a little grossed out. I know some women like a man with a bit of hair, but I don’t. Not at all. I slip out from his grip and roll out of bed, grabbing the Samsung Galaxy. I sneak out to the living room once again. This time, I’m extra quiet.
My fingers dance across the Samsung’s screen, navigating back to the spot where Will interrupted me. It doesn’t take long to find, but then I notice the time again – 4:28 by now. Whenever I wake up early in the morning like this, whether it is to run to the bathroom for a quick pee or some other noise dragged me out of my dreams, I think of Jake. When we lived together, he would wake up extremely early to work out. He believed in early mornings and when he returned from the gym it was always around the same time that I would wake up. By the time he finished showering, I would drag him back into bed. Not for sleep.
The way Jake loved me outshone the love that any other man could ever dream of sharing with me. Jake has a magical way with his hands; he can trace my entire body with his fingertips and leave a trail of longing in their wake and a patch of warm, ready moisture between my numbed legs.
I squirm on the sofa just thinking about it. Jake is the love of my life. And even though he broke my heart almost a month ago when he said we couldn’t see each other anymore, I know we will be together again. Despite these texts, despite his pathetic fling with this med student whore, Jake will always love me. And that’s when I realize something: he wants to see me. It’s why he came to the hospital, why he risked everything and spoke with Will in the first place. It’s probably why I have this phone in my hands, even though Katie claims to be the one who gave it to me.
As if looking for evidence to confirm all of this, I raise the phone to start reading and notice the reflection in the window. It’s Will, but as soon as he sees that I notice him, he turns and heads back into the bedroom. I deliberate going back to bed with him, but opt instead to finish reading.
Monday May 6, 2013
------------------------------------------
Jake
6:33pm:
How did your quiz go today?
6:42pm:
A few months ago, I met Christine’s ex in Toronto. We had a crazy chat and he told me that the woman I thought of as Christine was actually someone else. He told me she lied to me about her identity and when I confronted her, she admitted that it was because she needed to escape him.
------------------------------------------
6:43pm:
The quiz went well. Why are you telling me this, Jake?
------------------------------------------
Jake
6:45pm:
You know what’s weird? I thought I heard his voice tonight. In the lobby when I came home from work.
------------------------------------------
6:46pm:
Was it him?
------------------------------------------
Jake
6:46pm:
No, I don’t think so. He was just some guy arguing on the phone, and his back was to me. This guy seemed so much smaller than the Peter I remember meeting in Toronto. But the argument was something I would have expected to happen between him and Christine.
------------------------------------------
6:48pm:
You should have gotten a better look at him, Jake. What if it IS this psychopath? What if he tracked you down because he thinks you know where Christine is?
------------------------------------------
Jake
6:49pm:
Well I don’t know where she is. And I don’t care.
6:49pm:
------------------------------------------
6:50pm:
Jake our timing isn’t right. I’m sorry.
6:51pm:
Have you thought about what you’ll say if this guy backs you into a corner?
------------------------------------------
Jake
6:51pm:
Why are you so interested in this? And he won’t back me into a corner, he’s not like that. He’s a wife-beater, which means he’s probably afraid of men. Besides, I am very certain this guy wasn’t Peter.
------------------------------------------
6:52pm:
I’d be careful. I don’t like Christine. She’s trouble.
------------------------------------------
Jake
6:52pm:
Now answer my question about why you’re so interested.
------------------------------------------
6:53pm:
I just don’t want you to get hurt, Jake.
------------------------------------------
Jake
6:54pm:
Because you love me?
6:56pm:
Hello?
------------------------------------------
7:01pm:
Jake, I’ll admit this, but it will be all that you get from me: I care for you. Of course I do. You’ve been really good to me, plus you’re a good cook and you have this special way with your hands. Like when you trace your fingers along the back of my thighs and follow it up with a kiss. Mmmm.
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Textual Encounters: 2 Page 5
