After he leaves through the restaurant’s doors, I feel a shiver run through me. That sixth sense kicks in again and I catch the waitress watching me, her eyes reflecting the shock on my own face.
And then the Samsung vibrates again. I snatch it up.
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10:21pm:
Katie2: You’re a fucking whore.
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* * *
It’s the longest wait for a cab I have ever experienced and it feels like everyone is looking at me, blaming me with their hateful and accusing eyes. It’s my fault for everything. Eventually a taxi pulls to a stop and just as I settle into the back seat it starts raining. Actually it starts pouring.
“Where to, lady.” Even the cab driver sounds accusatory.
And because I don’t know where I’m going or where I should go, his tone becomes even more accusatory.
“Lady, I don’t have all freaking day. Where to?”
Funny, it seems we’re already moving and the meter is already running; the longer I’m here, the more he gets paid. But since he wants a smaller fare, I rhyme off the Penthouse address. I’ll have to pack a few things; I’ll let the divorce attorney’s office get the rest of my stuff whenever the ink dries. The driver knows my address according to the nod he gives me and we speed up to a slightly quicker crawl.
While wading through traffic, I wonder how everything turned south so quickly. How come I assumed it was Katie who found me in the bathroom at Toshi’s. Or at least why did I think it was Katie who wanted to meet me at the restaurant today.
I rest my head back against the seat. It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. Will is right to hate me, I never loved him in the first place, and right now I just broke his heart. He’s a good man, he never deserved any of this. Fuck, what have I done?
I reach down and retrieve the Samsung. There’s still a little left to read. I swipe at the screen and return to jAppe with a feeling in my stomach like my life is now over.
Monday June 24, 2013
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Jake
2:36pm:
Katie, it’s been over a month. Can you please give me the time of day?
2:57pm:
I was speaking with Mitchell this morning and he asked about you. That’s probably why I’m writing to you now. The way he looked at me when I said we haven’t spoken since shortly after his weekend party only enhanced the pain I’ve been feeling since you saw what you think you saw.
3:00pm:
For the record, I have asked Rachel to never contact me again. We’re through. Forever. I never told you how she almost ruined my relationship with Christine by showing up in my life and fucking with my head. She’s married. She needs to spend her time with her husband. Not me. She had her chance with me, but she blew it. I can’t keep playing those games with her.
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3:03pm:
She’s a whore, Jake. Fucking you while fucking her husband. A cheating whore. And to be fair, you’re equally to blame. You told me you loved me. Now I want nothing to do with you.
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Jake
3:04pm:
You’re right. I hate Rachel for this.
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3:04pm:
Funny. I hate YOU for this.
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Jake
3:05pm:
I don’t hate her because of her addiction to sex – who knows how many other guys she is fucking behind my back – but because this is fucking up my relationship with you. I love you, Katie. I know that more than I’ve known anything else in my life. I. Love. You.
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3:05pm:
That’s where you’re wrong. SHE isn’t the reason you’ll never have another chance at me. YOU are the reason for that. And she’s no more addicted to sex than you are. You two are perfect for each other and I wish you both nothing but the worst.
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Jake
3:06pm:
Fair enough. It takes two, right? I could have- no, I SHOULD have pushed her away when I had the chance. I didn’t. And although I’m not blaming you, remember this: YOU kept pushing ME away. You knew how I feel yet you kept pushing? We had all weekend together, what else was I supposed to think?
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3:08pm:
I DID love you, Jake. From that very first day, my heart was yours. And now that it’s broken and bleeding, I blame you.
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Jake
3:09pm:
You sure had a strange way of showing me that you love me. The whole “let’s be fuck-buddies” followed by “let’s be friends” in the last few weeks. WTF was I supposed to think? That you love me? Not a chance. I felt like I was constantly fighting for you attention, for you to open up. All I wanted was your love.
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3:11pm:
Love is my weakness, Jake. I didn’t want you to see mine.
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Jake
3:12pm:
No, you’re wrong about that.
3:14pm:
Love makes you smart and strong. Smart enough to know there is nothing else that matters. Strong enough to know that nothing else can weaken you. When you’re in love, you’re at peace, you’re whole and you’re always safe. I KNOW I made you feel at peace. And I KNOW I always made you feel safe.
3:14pm:
And while I can’t speak for you, I ALWAYS felt whole whenever we were together. Even when we weren’t together, just knowing you were there and I’d get another chance at loving you, I felt I had found my counterpoint. I’ve said that before, I know I have.
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3:16pm:
Yes, you have. I don’t know what it means, but you’ve said it before.
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Jake
3:16pm:
It’s a technical term I heard on the classical music station. I know that sounds cold and un-romantic, but it fits. It’s where you have two very different musical melodies that, individually, play extremely beautifully. But when you put them together, they’re harmonious. When I heard it, I thought of us. I have my life, you have yours. When we are together, my life is even more harmonious.
3:18pm:
Or at least it was more harmonious for me. Whenever we were together, my world was beautiful. It makes me sad that you don’t know what I’m talking about. Maybe we are better off as friends…?
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3:19pm:
No, not friends. Not anything. Because I can’t do this. I can’t go from opening myself up one second to shutting myself down entirely the next. Seeing that whore leave your building with rosy, post-orgasm cheeks and a smug grin on her face made me realize something. It’s better to say goodbye to you. Because you are a beaten wife, Jake. You’ll always go back to her. And I can’t love a beaten wife.
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Jake
3:21pm:
You’re right, she abused me long enough. But it has ended. You’ve given me the strength I need to get over her. Because like I said earlier love makes you strong and smart. She had a chance to fight for me. She didn’t. All she did was show up before her wedding day. I was pathetic. When she said she was getting married that morning, I begged her to stay.
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3:35pm:
Goodbye, Jake.
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Jake
3:36pm:
No, not goodbye.
I will continue to FIGHT for you, Katie. Like I’m always fighting for you because I know that begging didn’t work for Rachel and it sure won’t work for you.
3:37pm:
You see, I begged her to stick around to see how I was the better choice. Begged her to let me show her how I could make her happier than the man she chose instead of me, the man she married. I could have made her happier than ANY man.
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3:40pm:
So you know how it feels. When the person you love picks someone else.
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Jake
3:41pm:
Yes. I do. It’s why I gave you so much time this past month.
3:44pm:
And you’re forgetting something. I didn’t pick Rachel over of you. I might have slept with her, but that’s not love. It was just sex. That’s it.
3:45pm:
Something I never told ANYONE was when we had sex that Friday night, the next morning when she was gone, I lost it. I cried and cried – it was the worst feeling I have ever had, to feel completely abandoned and lost without someone else. She came back, though. I still don’t know why, but I suspect it was to say goodbye while still keeping that door open for our friendly encounters. I really thought we could make things work. I told her we could pick up exactly where we left off. She disagreed. I begged her to not marry this guy. Raw emotion was pouring out of my mouth, my eyes, I felt like I was sacrificing my soul out to her. I guess I was. And all she did was sit on the edge of the bed while I was on the floor, latched on to her ankles, begging at her feet. I was like a dog, Katie. A fucking dog. You know what she did?
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3:47pm:
She had “just sex” with you?
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Jake
3:47pm:
Very funny. I’m pouring my heart out to you and you decided to be funny. Good one.
3:48pm:
Actually, what she did was stand up and step out of my grip. She walked over me like I was a piece of trash, and as she left she told me: You had your chance, it’s over.
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3:48pm:
So this isn’t new for you.
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Jake
3:50pm:
That hurt. A lot. So when I say it’s “just sex” how could it ever be anything more than that? How could it be meaningful after what she did to me? After what she said to me that Saturday morning before her wedding? I’m not an idiot, Katie. I know what this means to her. And it has always meant even less to me.
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3:58pm:
But Jake, you don’t do that when you love someone else. Not because it’s “just sex,” but because you know it will hurt the person you love if she ever finds out about it.
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Jake
3:59pm:
You’re right.
4:27pm:
And I’m sorry.
4:47pm:
But please understand my position. I never knew how you felt. I knew you liked it when I said nice things to you, but that’s it. Nothing about loving me. And this thing with Rachel really was “just sex.” Which is what I needed. You kept pushing me away all weekend, wouldn’t even let me put my hand on your leg at dinner. Or cuddle into you at the beach fire. Or kiss you goodnight when we were both way too drunk to be sleeping in the same room. Do you see why I would do what I did? I’m no different than anyone else: I need to feel loved. And not just by anyone. I need to feel loved by you.
6:36pm:
Please tell me when I can see you again. I’ll prove my love to you for the rest of my life if I have to. I’ll wait for you to love me. Forever if I have to.
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Saturday June 29, 2013
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Jake
9:43am:
Hey.
9:50am:
OK, you’re still ignoring me. I’m so sorry about all of this. I really am. I hope you believe me when I tell you that I am seriously having a hard time breathing without you in my life. This week has been easier than it should have been, but I think it’s because we texted back and forth on Monday. I love you. I still love you. I always will.
10:33am:
I realize you’re reading but not responding. That’s okay. And I’ll leave you alone, I promise I will. But I thought I’d tell you this final thing before going away. I thought you should know that I have been forever changed by you, Katie. You made and make me a better person. I don’t know if it’s because of what you’re studying to become or if it is that loving you has given me hope that someday I might just have another chance at being with you. Whatever it is, I’m happy. Noticeably happy. And I’m friendly to everyone. Even strangers.
10:35am:
I have you to thank for the improved Jake. I love myself a lot more because you. Thank you.
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11:48am:
Hey.
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Jake
11:48am:
Katie! I’m so happy you finally responded. How are you?
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11:49am:
Today is the first day of the rest of my life, Jake. I thought I should share that with you.
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Jake
11:50am:
That sounds a little scary, to be honest with you. But I hope this new life includes me playing a part in it.
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11:50am:
Well, if we’re being honest with each other now, I will admit that it IS scary.
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Jake
11:50am:
Is this where you break my heart and say you’re getting married today?
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11:51am:
LOL, not quite. Not even close.
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Jake
11:51am:
Then what role do I play?
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11:52am:
Let me explain something first. You have changed me too, Jake.
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Jake
11:52am:
OK, that’s good. Can I see you now? For coffee? Something innocent and happy and with no strings attached.
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11:53am:
I’m afraid I actually meant what I said before. About never seeing or hearing from me again. Because you changed me, but not in a positive way. You’ve ruined me, Jake. I don’t think I will ever love someone as much and as wholly as I loved you. So yes, you changed me. But in a bad way, in the worst way possible.
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Jake
11:55am:
I’m so sorry, Katie. It breaks my heart that you will remember me that way. Can I see you? I’ll come to you, wherever you want to meet. I want to get this little hiccup behind us so we can both move on.
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11:56am:
Actually, I’m waiting for someone right now, and then I’m getting on a plane and moving back home. I’m taking some time away from school because I’m, well, a little ruined right now and I need to clear my head.
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Jake
11:57am:
What, really? I’m sorry. I really am. Please let me help. I promise I won’t hurt you. I promise to
be a great friend, first and foremost. I won’t cross the line. I just need you in my life. I need to make things right with you.
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11:59am:
I’m afraid that won’t happen, Jake.
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Jake
11:59am:
Who are you meeting before you leave? Why can’t I see you one last time?
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12:00pm:
OK, you won’t like this, but I’m meeting with Rachel’s husband. His name is Will.
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Jake
12:00pm:
I don’t know what to think of that. Are you going to tell him everything?
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12:01pm:
Tell him? No. Even though he’s a complete stranger, I can’t break his heart by telling him that his wife has been fucking you since the before the day she married him. I can’t do that to someone. I’m not you.
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Jake
12:01pm:
Then why are you meeting him? I haven’t seen Rachel in about a month. I meant it when I said we were through. Why fuck things up for her when it’s me you’re angry with?
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12:02pm:
I’m not telling him anything. He can draw his own conclusion.
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Jake
12:02pm:
OK, I’m completely lost now.
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12:02pm:
I have two phones, Jake. This one. And another one, which you don’t know about. That’s the one I’ll keep until I see Rachel, and then it’s hers. But the one you and I have been texting back and forth on? That’s the one I’m giving Will.
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Jake
12:03pm:
Textual Encounters: 2 Page 10
