by RH Tucker
“Iced caramel macchiato,” he calls back, and my attention is immediately caught.
This is what I did leading up to prom. Franco has smooth, tan skin, dark brown eyes, and a buzz cut. I thought he was hot for the last couple years, but there were other things, too. Little things. Like how we’re both born in the same month. We’re both allergic to shellfish. And now, how we like the same drink. Those little things all made me think more of us than I should’ve. Made me think I could find love. It’s stupid and inconsequential. Maybe even a little immature, but I did it. I shake the thought free and look back down at my drink, but not before he meets my eyes.
“How’s your summer?”
“Fine,” I answer without looking at him.
“Hey, are you guys going to that bonfire next week?”
“Yep.” Emma nods as she takes a drink.
I shoot her a horrified stare, but it’s too late.
“Cool,” Franco answers.
There’s an awkward silence as Jeremy looks over at us. Carter and Jeremy never reconciled after their fallout, and Jeremy is just a douche in general, so Emma and I never really talked to him in school, and definitely not out of school.
He pulls out his phone, scrolling his thumb across the screen, and lets out a light laugh, showing Franco. Franco nods, agreeing with whatever they’re looking at and that’s when I see it. The Player. I see what Matt and Carter were trying to tell me, unsure why I never saw it before. No, that’s not true, I know exactly why. Because he’s cute and I wanted to fall in love like my friends were doing. Stupid heart.
“J-Dog, mocha Frappuccino and iced caramel macchiato!” the barista yells out from the counter, and Jeremy and Franco laugh.
I glance over at Emma, trying not to roll my eyes.
“Well, I guess we’ll be taking off,” Franco says. “Maybe I’ll see you at the bonfire.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
And then he’s gone, leaving with Jeremy.
“I didn’t know Franco was going to be there,” I hiss at Emma.
“I didn’t know either. Carter just said it’s a huge bonfire.”
I know it isn’t Emma’s fault. It isn’t anyone’s fault but my own for what I’m feeling.
“Jen, you don’t have to go.”
“No.” I shake my head. “No, I’m going. I have to.”
“No, I’m serious. Whatever happened between you guys, it’s obviously―”
“I slept with him.” I blurt the words out quickly and quietly, leaning over the table. Thankfully, she doesn’t say anything back. She just studies my face, acknowledging me with a comforting smile. “It was so stupid. I was stupid.”
“No, don’t say that.”
“It’s true.” I stare at my drink. “I thought … ugh, I don’t know what I thought. I mean, I liked him and all, but I thought he … maybe that I …”
She reaches over and grabs my hand again, while I fight back tears. “Jen, it’s okay to like someone. He’s the asshole who doesn’t know how awesome you are.”
I chuckle at Emma cursing. “No. I mean, yes, he is. But, I was stupid. I should’ve known.”
“You should’ve known what?”
I already confessed to her that I don’t think I’m lovable. She scolded me, and we moved past it, but the thought is still there. The belief that I’ll never find someone who loves me for me. If I say it again, she’ll tell me the same thing. I want to believe her. More than anything, I want to believe her. But I don’t. And I don’t want to hear her words again, only to know they aren’t true.
“I should’ve known it was dumb idea,” I answer, and force back any tears that I can feel prickling. “Come on,” I take a deep breath, “let’s hit up Forever 21.”
Chapter 17
Lucas
Sasha: Hey, a few friends are going to the movies tonight. Join? <3
I stare at my phone, unsure what I should reply. I’ve been avoiding her ever since the club. There’s nothing wrong with Sasha, she’s actually pretty awesome. She’s nice, and funny, and she was incredibly hot that night at Avalon. But regardless of any of that, I’m cursed with one lingering thought that’s always floating around my mind: she’s not Jen.
I’ve gone over different ways in my head I can try to end this, because even if I did kiss her, I know I can’t do it again. It wouldn’t be fair to her. But no matter what kind of excuse I think of, nothing sounds right. Of course, I could lie and say I’m not interested in her, but that’s not entirely true either. If my brain wasn’t malfunctioning over Jen, a girl who made it painfully clear she doesn’t want anything to do with me, I’d definitely be interested in her.
Me: I can’t tonight. Sorry :(
Simple and easy. This is her third time inviting me to do something and I suddenly feel like I’m the mouse in this cat and mouse scenario. I’m the guy, isn’t it supposed to be me chasing the girl, who’s playing hard to get?
I drop my phone on my chest and channel surf, as I lounge in the living room. Nice thing about having the summer off while your parents both work, is getting to hang out all day watching ESPN on a large flat screen and order pizza. Which I just did ten minutes ago.
Sasha: Okay :’(
Damn it. Why do emoji’s always hit your pride and ego? If a girl sends you a smiley and winkey-face emoji, you always read more into it. And then they hit you with the sad face emoji and now I feel like a jerk.
And I feel stupid too, because I’m messing up what could possibly be a good thing with her. Jen rejected me. She said she couldn’t―or wouldn’t―go out with me and I have no attachments. I have to get over this thing if I’m going to live my life and actually try to get in involved with someone. I can’t keep my heart pinned to a girl who obviously doesn’t want any piece of it.
I know the bonfire is this weekend. Carter and Matt have both hit me up about it. I thought I’d tell Jackson, but we still haven’t spoken since he dropped me off.
Me: Hey, there’s a bonfire this weekend. Supposed to be big. Wanna go?
I shoot the text over to Sasha because why not. I need to get over Jen. She walked away from me at the lake and her last words even in my orbit were that there was nothing going on between us. As much as I hate to admit it, there will never be anything between us.
Sasha: What day?
Me: Saturday
Sasha: Aw :( I work Saturday night. We’re always busy on the weekends and I don’t get out till late.
I forgot that Sasha worked at a restaurant downtown. I think she’s had the job for a while and I know she’s saving up for her first semester. She’s going to a college for … cooking? No, that doesn’t sound right. Shit. I’ve really been a complete ass if I haven’t even paid attention to her and where she’s going to school.
Sasha: I’m off Sunday though :)
Okay, she’s off Sunday and I’m getting out of this damn funk.
Me: Cool. We’ll do…something
Because really, I have no idea what we should do. Movies? Dinner? Both? I’ve tried this in the past and it always ended with me comparing everything the girl did and said with Jen. And that’s when I hardly talked to her. Now that I’ve made out with her, I have no idea how I’m going to keep those thoughts at bay. But I know I have to try. It’s my only option left.
Sasha: Ok ;)
There’s a knock at the door and I get off the couch, grabbing my wallet for the pizza. Swinging the door open, I’m not met by the pizza delivery guy, but by Jackson.
“Hey,” I mumble to him.
“Hey.”
There’s an awkward silence that hangs in the air. I feel uncomfortable for not reaching out to him sooner and he appears uneasy. I’m sure telling me he’s dyslexic embarrassed him, even though I hadn’t looked at him any different since. But it was obvious he had a big hang up over that himself.
“So, uh, Rich was over at my house this morning. My brother and their friends are doing something, but he said you were just home lounging.”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“All right.” He nods, looking down at the ground.
“So,” we both say at the same time, and then abruptly stop. This is going nowhere.
“We’re cool, dude,” I speak up. “For the record, you being dyslexic doesn’t change anything with me. I think you’re obsessed with it a little too much―” Jackson opens his mouth to object, but I hold my hands up in defense. “But, that’s me not really having any clue what you go through. But we’re cool, man. Seriously.”
“All right, cool … so, um, what are you doing?”
“Nothing, just watching SportsCenter.”
“Oh.”
“And pizza should be here any minute. Wanna hang out?”
He smiles. “Dude, you had me at pizza.”
After easily devouring the medium pepperoni I ordered because I thought it was just going to be myself, we hang out for a while and watch I Love You, Man on Netflix. Yeah, we both laughed at each other for a second before starting that one. After that, another Jason Segel movie pops up, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but I skip it and return to the main menu.
“Dude, that movie’s freaking hilarious.”
“I guess,” I say, surfing through a new movie list.
“You just laughed your balls off at Jason Segel.”
“Yeah, but that movie is great because of Paul Rudd. ‘Latus on the menjay’,” I imitate Rudd’s voice and line from the movie, making us both laugh.
The truth is, Forgetting Sarah Marshal reminds me of Jen. How Peter was head over heels in love with Sarah and she just broke his heart. Okay, I know the similarities aren’t really that close together, but it hits me every time I watch it. He couldn’t get over her. And even when he tried to get over her, she was still there. That’s how I feel about Jen. Before the camping trip, I couldn’t get over her and I had nothing to go on except memories of us growing up. Now I have no idea how I’m ever going to get past the new memories.
I close my eyes for a second, trying to scrub my brain from any and all thoughts of her.
“You good?”
“Yeah.” I nod.
Out of the corner of my eye I can see Jackson staring. I need to think of something to change the subject because I really don’t want to delve back into my feelings. And besides, how do you explain to someone the kind of history Jen and I have? We’re the definition of ‘It’s complicated’.
“This weekend,” I say, changing the subject. “Bonfire, man.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, supposed to be a lot of people from school there.”
“Oh.” He wrinkles his nose.
“I don’t think Tara will be there. Sasha’s working and those two usually go to parties and stuff together. At least, I think they do.”
“Oh, okay.” He sounds a little more optimistic. “So, you and Sasha, huh?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“What do you mean, you guess?”
“I mean, I don’t know. She’s cool. She’s hot, that’s for sure.”
“But?”
I wait, still scrolling through a movie list. “Nothing, there are no buts.”
“But, you have a girlfriend.”
“What?” I snap my head to the side, catching a smirk from him. “No, I don’t.”
“Well, there’s obviously something up with you. And Rich has dropped the g-word more than a couple times.”
“Rich is a dumbass.”
“Who’s also your brother that knows you.”
“Rich has been calling Jen my girlfriend for as long as I can remember. It’s just a stupid thing he does.”
Jackson tilts his head back, as if he caught me in a lie. “Ah, the girlfriend has a name.”
“Dude, she’s not my girlfriend.”
“So, what, friends with benefits?”
“Shut up.”
“Do you like her?”
I roll my eyes, miffed. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Why not?”
“Because she’s not into me.”
“Ha, right.”
“Seriously.”
“Are you really trying to tell me―”
“Oh, The Office,” I cut him off and start an episode of the TV show.
I look to the side, giving him a daring smirk, to which he just shakes his head, chuckles, and takes a drink of his soda. There’s no point in going over our history because there isn’t ever going to be anything more between us.
Chapter 18
Jen
My stomach is a ball of nerves as we drive to the bonfire. Carter offered to drive us, but I didn’t want to get left in the lurch of being without my car if I wanted to quickly leave. Which is a high possibility. I’m not sure if Lucas is going to be here, but I know Franco is and I don’t want to see either of them. I just want to have fun and try to get my life back on track.
Emma volunteered to drive with me, something I did feel a little bad about because I know she probably wants to go with Carter, who then said he’d just catch a ride with Matt and Izzy. A new round of jitters spread within, remembering I’ve only spoken to Matt’s girlfriend a handful of times. They got together at prom and I haven’t talked to her much, so maybe tonight will be the perfect time to get to know her a little better.
“Wow, parking is packed,” Emma says as I pull into the parking lot. “You think all these cars are for the bonfire?”
“I don’t know.” I pull into a parking spot. “I mean, it is a Saturday night.”
“True.”
As we get out of the car and walk toward the beach though, there is already a large crowd mingling in the sand. I can see flickers of fire on the beach, the sun setting over the ocean, casting an orange and violet backdrop. Glancing over the crowd, I look for anyone I don’t want to see so we can maneuver in the opposite direction. There are a few faces I know from school, but thankfully the only person who finds us is Carter.
“Hey,” he says, smiling, before giving Emma a kiss.
“How many people are supposed to be at this thing?” I ask.
“I’m not sure.” He looks back at the crowd. “I guess word spread to the entire senior class. I think a lot of people are using it like a final senior party, even though school’s over.”
I bite my lip. I haven’t seen anyone I want to avoid, and I already want to leave.
“Come on,” Carter says as he starts to walk, holding Emma’s hand. “Matt, Izzy, and her friends are over here.”
I follow along, keeping my eyes locked on the sand we tread through. Even as I walk, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone, a pang of frustration shoots through me. This isn’t me. Two months ago, I would have told Emma to go off with Carter, while I mingled among the crowd, chatting it up with people I know or eyeing who I thought was the cutest guy. Probably both. How has so much changed in such a short amount of time? And maybe more importantly, when am I finally going to be me again? If I’d just kept a lid on my feelings―my real feelings―I might be already having a great time, instead of feeling lost and inadequate.
“What’s up, guys?” Matt calls out. We’re all standing closer to the water, along the back edge of the group, while most of the crowd stays around the fire.
“Hey,” Izzy says, giving me a smile and a wave.
Emma gives her a hug while I just wave. “Hi.”
“Jen, where have you been?” Izzy asks in a completely friendly way, but I still feel like I’m being accused of something.
“Oh, just here and there.”
“You know V and Cindy, right?” She points to her friends next to her.
“Yeah.” I nod, giving each a smile.
Izzy rubs her arms. “Man, it’s actually a little chilly.”
“Shoot, I forgot the hoodie in the car,” Matt replies to her. “I’ll be right back.”
I watch him go and then turn my attention back to the girls. I think I’ve met them once, but I don’t even know what we talked about, or if we even had a real conversation.
V, which I remembered is short for Veronica, is a curvy Hispanic with pitch black hair that matches Izzy’s in color, but it’s curly. Cindy is a petite Asian girl, who I don’t remember anyone ever telling me what her race is. She’s on the thinner side, like myself, but she’s tiny. At least six inches shorter than me.
“I love your top.” Cindy steps closer, feeling the material. “H&M?”
“Uh, yeah, actually.” I give another smile. I’m trying to be comfortable and I’ve always liked talking about clothes, so maybe if I just give this time.
But minutes pass by as I stand in silence while Veronica, Cindy, and Emma all start talking. They go back and forth, discussing clothes or the different classes they’ll be taking when school starts, and I stand around like an ornament. This is going horrible and it just started. I already feel the urge to quietly excuse myself and walk back to my car.
I look over at Emma, who’s smiling as Carter whispers something to her, his arms wrapped around her waist. Right as I open my mouth to tell her I’m going to leave, I hear a voice behind me that brings a smile to my face.
“Hey, what’s up, guys?”
“Micah!” I practically jump up and down.
He’s walking toward us, but I don’t give him a chance to get any closer, running at him, wrapping my arms around him in a fierce bear hug.
“I feel like I haven’t seen you in years.”
He laughs. “Jen, we just graduated.”
“Yeah, but even then. You were so distant those last couple months.”
“Yeah,” he says, scratching the back of his head. “Sorry about that.”
He keeps an arm over my shoulder as we walk back a couple steps and he says hi to everyone else. I love Micah, Emma and I both do. We were all friends throughout high school, and I know Emma looks at him kind of like a big brother, even though we’re all the same age. I do too. Breaking up with his girlfriend seemed to wreck him for a while, but he appears to be in good spirits tonight.
