“Beautiful.” I said, she blushed giggling at me.
“Had to dress up for my Casey.” She said, I laughed.
We had met in the therapist’s waiting room, she still dressed like a boy then, it was one of her first sessions. And she, to twelve-year-old me, was extremely attractive. I spent a lot of my waiting time staring at her when she clocked me, she put her finger up at me, I, because I had quite sheltered pre-teen years, was shocked and devastated.
She laughed and came to sit next to me, I got called in to see George before she got her call, so we swapped numbers. It took her until we were fourteen to change her name to Aoife and to dress how she wanted, she however, still avoided skirts, although today she stood before me in a white t-shirt that was covered with the unicorn emoji and a black knee length skirt.
She’d grown her hair out and had been growing her hair out since we were twelve, she wore it in a long braid that dropped over her shoulder.
“Skirt.” I said, she grinned.
“Figured it out.” She said, “once I got let loose on the internet, I’d bought enough special underwear to last me until surgery.” She said.
“Surgery?” I repeated, she nodded.
“Coffee Casey, let’s get a coffee and talk.” She said, I nodded to her not letting go of her hand as we walked through the train station to the nearest coffee shop we could find. We both got a cold drink, sipping it experimentally before deciding we quite liked it.
“Surgery.” I repeated, she laughed.
“Waiting list.” She said, “bottom surgery, because I’d decided I don’t need top surgery not really, the E is helping in that area enough to satisfy me.” She said, she smiled to herself, “but I’m now officially on the waiting list for bottom.”
“That’s amazing.”
“Yes, of course but excuse me, two weeks Casey.”
“Two weeks exactly.” I said before covering my face, “oh my God I’m so sickly excited it’s unreal.” I said, she beamed at me. “Nervous though, more so than my top surgery.” I said, chewing on my bottom lip she smiled at me.
“Is this like T?” She asked, I shook my head.
“No, I think I wanted T to grow me a penis.” I said shaking my head, “I don’t think I’m afraid of disappointment, not really, more afraid of something going wrong maybe, afraid of arriving and them saying…”
“Sorry not today.” She replied, I nodded.
“Do you actually remember the day George told you, you could have T?” She asked.
“I’m sure I cried.” I said, she nodded.
“I cried too.” She said, I laughed, “you came out of the room sobbing, genuinely sobbing and I thought something had gone wrong so I went to hug you and through your sobs you managed to say T, I was so made up for you I just began sobbing too.” She said, I grinned at her.
“Now you tell me what you figured out?” I said, she laughed shaking her head at me.
“In public.” She said coyly.
“Aoife!” I stated, she laughed.
“I got put on E, you know that.” She said, I nodded, “and obviously, over time the E stopped my unfortunate problem.” She said rolling her eyes at me, she meant erections, she had loathed them since the day they started. “They just stopped happening, so I didn’t have to really worry about that happening if I wore a skirt anymore but let me tell you a bulge in a skirt is not attractive.” She said, I resisted grinning at her, “so I divulged in the internet, I read all about tucking and tried it successfully but I wasn’t having much luck with doing it comfortably for every day.”
“That makes perfect sense.” I said nodding.
“But they sell these kind of tucking knickers that I think are primarily aimed at Drag Queens but my God they work.”
“Like a binder?” I said, she nodded although giggled, “you thought penis binder, didn’t you?” I asked, she nodded we both laughed.
“I mean, they’re pretty standard so I wear a nice pretty pair of knickers over them.” She added, I laughed.
Aoife had truly won the genetic lottery, she had always had a really feminine face, this, until I was fifteen and finally admitted I was gay as they came was my excuse for fancying Aoife pre-transition. Her face was always feminine and her hair had always looked really quite soft, she was tall, taller than me and slim, obviously her Oestrogen had assisted with her figure in some way.
I remember being thirteen and fourteen and whispering to each other about the things we’d give to each other if we could. It seemed easy, almost like everyone else was stupid for not figuring out that Aoife had the penis and got the erections I wanted, whilst I had what she wanted.
I remember mentioning it to George when I was fourteen and getting a sympathetic smile, he went on to explain why it wouldn’t be as simple as that, I spent the entire night googling penis transplants.
She came to visit me after my top surgery, she brought chocolates and sat with me whilst watching films, she told me she thought she was straight but did that mean that she had been gay, it was quite the headache for her. So, I told her I was gay, I was a boy who liked boys, so if she was a girl who liked boys that obviously meant she was straight. She had been my first kiss the year before, more of a ‘let’s get it over with’ than ‘moment of passion’ but it had been good, really good on both parts and we toyed with the idea of being together in that way, but it never quite worked.
Mostly because I knew I was gay and she most certainly was not a boy, although one of the prettiest girls I knew.
“I have group this evening.” I said, she frowned at me.
“RCT, a trans support group.”
“Really? You go to group now?”
“And I love it.” I said, she grinned.
“You just crave friends.”
“This is true. If you want, you can come along with me.” I said, her eyebrow quirked, “I know you’re a girl, but a trans group is a trans group and you never know you might enjoy it. Plus, I want you to come, therapy isn’t therapy if you’re not there.” I said, she giggled. “I will state clearly and loudly that you are a girl.”
“No need Casey.” She said laughing, “I would hope they could see that.” She said, I blushed, she kissed my cheek before turning my chin and lightly kissing my lips, I smiled.
“Aoife.” I said, she nodded, “I have a boyfriend.”
“A what?” She almost shrieked, I began laughing.
I was last to arrive to group, Milo had been on biscuit duty and had brought Jaffa Cakes which started an amazing debate, in the end Milo gave up and began eating them. Soon everyone else decided it wasn’t worth it when there was Jaffa Cakes on the table, although they practically all froze when I walked in with Aoife. I laughed. Kieran was the first to recover from the shock.
“Let’s sit down, get started.” He said, I squeezed Aoife’s hand.
“You’ve kind of just proven this is a room of nerds.” I said, she began laughing, as she followed me to the circle of chairs.
“Well, I think we have to start with the elephant in the room.” Harvey said, they all looked at Aoife, she gasped. “Oh my God, I didn’t mean that.” He said, she shook her head,
“No worries sweetheart.” She said then scanned the circle, so I also did.
Kieran was smiling at her as warmly as ever, Jesse and Ashley were looking at her as if they’d never seen a girl in close proximity before, Riley didn’t seem fazed, he probably hadn’t noticed her, in the politest possible way. Milo was grinning at her, he just seemed happy today probably at the drama his Jaffa Cakes had started. Luke was looking directly at her, a look of pure wonder on his face, then I looked at Kaiden, he was looking at his hands occasionally glancing up at her, taking her in then looking shyly at his hands again,
I frowned at Kieran who almost laughed. “My name is Aoife.” She said.
“Can I weigh in?” Jesse asked putting his hand up, “she’s a girl.” He added.
“Keen observation skills there Jesse.” I
replied, he frowned.
“Like a cis girl though.” He said, I heard Aoife’s gasp of delight from beside me.
“I want to keep him.” She said, “forever.” She added.
“You can’t keep Jesse.”
“You can, I’ll give you the adoption papers.” Riley said, Aoife frowned. Jesse scoffed. Ashley laughed.
“Excuse me?” Aoife asked, Kieran laughed too.
“We technically adopted him, not in a gay dad way, in a…”
“Mother wasn’t fond of my transition kind of way.” Jesse said.
“How wonderful.” Aoife said, “that’s lovely.”
“Until he’s eighteen.” Riley said.
“Two years.” Jesse said, I shook my head at her.
“They love each other, I’m sure.” I said, Aoife laughed.
“I’m not cis.” She said, Jesse frowned at her, “although you are now my favourite person in this circle because you said that.” She said, Kaiden actually looked up, examining her with his look.
“MTF?” Kieran asked, Aoife nodded, “you are beautiful.” He added, Aoife smiled at him.
“I invited her along because I figured therapy is therapy right… plus Kaiden had technically given her an open invite.” I said, Kaiden blushed. “Kaiden,” I began, Kieran shook his head so I shut myself up.
“Go on, don’t let me disturb group, especially if it’s needed.” Aoife said, Harvey nodded.
“Does anyone want to bring anything to the circle?” Harvey asked, Jesse raised his hand almost instantly, “go for it.” he added.
“As you all know Kieran managed to get me therapy.” He said, then looked around the circle just to make sure everyone in fact knew, “well, I obviously talk enough for her.” He said, Luke laughed.
“No shade obviously.” He said, Jesse smirked.
“Well, I got a letter yesterday: Mr Jesse King, the appointment for your Testosterone appointment is.” He said, we all instantly cheered at him making him laugh, “so, yeah basically I’m getting T.”
“That’s amazing.” Milo said, Jesse nodded, “that took what three months if that?”
“I couldn’t believe it but I just spoke to her, I wouldn’t shut up, we were practically doing two hours twice a week because there was so much I wanted to say. About two weeks ago I finished, I’d said everything for the time being at least, I swear to god she was relieved.” He said, we all laughed.
“Keep us updated of course.” Harvey said, Jesse smiled.
“Yeah of course.” He said nodding, “I have also decided to go to Kingsbury to do my A-levels. I say decided, I have applied and been accepted.” He said then looked at Harvey. “I’m done.”
“Make friends with Mr Elliot.” I said, “besides the fact he’s enjoying learning about being trans, he’ll be your biggest lifeline.” I said, Jesse nodded to me.
“He’s enjoying learning?” Kieran asked, I nodded.
“He said to me I was the first trans student who made myself known to him.”
“Wow, what am I?” Riley said.
“Stealth.” Kieran replied, Riley kicked him.
“I spoke to my therapist about surgery last week.” Luke said, we all looked at him, “bottom, of course.” He said, “I think it’s almost in the pipeline.”
“Awesome.” Milo said, Luke nodded.
“Kai.” He said simply, Kaiden looked up and at him, “Do you want to bring something to the circle?”
“I do not.” He replied, I frowned harder.
“Sure?” Luke asked, Kaiden nodded to him.
“You’re mean.” Kieran said, Luke laughed.
“I’m his best friend, it’s my right to be mean to him.” Luke said.
“Can I ask you some questions?” Ashley said, Aoife looked a little taken back.
“Me?”
“Yes.” Ashley said nodding, “I feel like I’m still a learner with trans stuff, I’ve pretty much nailed FTM, honestly.” he said, Aoife smiled, “but am curious of MTF because I mean, I don’t know a thing about it.” He said, she smiled.
“Go ahead sweetheart.”
“Do you take like?”
“Oestrogen?” She asked, Ashley smiled at her, “I do, I get it injected. It’s a lot like your transition just-”
“Female.” I said, Aoife grinned at me.
“So, like T does our voice and hair and things like that, what does E do?” Ashley asked, Aoife laughed.
“Well it helps me to grow breasts. Which you know is awesome.” She said, we all laughed.
“Wrong crowd there Aoife.” I said, she grinned.
“Do you get surgery?” Jesse asked, Aoife nodded.
“I’m on a waiting list for bottom surgery. Top is currently not on my agenda.” She said happily, Jesse smiled back at her.
“Do you like boys?” Luke asked, she looked at him, “asking for a friend.” He added, Aoife laughed.
“I’ve been inclined to a male in my lifetime.” She replied. “And yourself?”
“Fonder of girls.” He said.
“Girlfriend surely.” Riley said, Luke almost choked on air.
“I apologise for the heterotrans amongst us.” I said, she laughed happily.
“No need to apologise Casey my love.” She said, “your boyfriend is the next person I meet though, I hope you’re aware of this.” She said, I hummed because figures.
“Will you come for a drink first?” Kaiden asked, Aoife smiled a softer smile at him.
“I think I will.” She said.
“Awesome, love post-group drinks.” Milo said, I smirked as Kieran rolled his eyes.
I, although it was probably unwise to, left Aoife to her own devices when the circle broke off. I decided I wanted to follow Kieran into the kitchen, I got stopped almost instantly by Harvey.
“Volunteers only in the kitchen.”
“That sucks.” I said, Harvey smiled at me, “I just want to talk to Kieran.”
“He’ll be out in a moment.” He said, I scowled him lightly then went to wait on a windowsill. Kieran came to find me.
“Okay?” He asked, I nodded.
“Yeah I’m fine I was just…”
“Wondering why I stopped you questioning Kaiden?” He asked, I nodded, he laughed very lightly. “Aoife your best friend?” He asked, I nodded softly. “Well, if you’d called out Kaiden on his behaviour your best friend would have been put in quite an awkward position.”
“I think not.” I replied, nodding towards Aoife as she sat on the other windowsill with Kaiden, we both grinned at them, Kaiden blushed again. “He fancies her?”
“He fancies her.” He confirmed, I smiled.
“He wouldn’t even look her in the eye.” I said, Kieran nodded, “that’s cute.” I added, Kieran punched my thigh very lightly. “Ow.” I said, he laughed.
“Coming for a drink?”
“No.” I said softly, “Probably not. Aoife can of course I won’t stop her.” I said then smiled at him, he smiled back at me then continued to watch as Kaiden spoke to her.
My Mum allowed Aoife to stay in my bedroom, although she appeared conflicted about the whole arrangement. I reminded her I had a boyfriend who regularly slept over and she rethought her confliction and allowed Aoife to stay, although still felt it was wrong to let a girl sleep in her teenage son’s bedroom, I saw Dad roll his eyes, it made me smile.
Granted, Aoife hadn’t slept over ever before so we didn’t quite know the dynamic but we soon fell into it. Well, we sat on my bed and I said:
“Kaiden’s cute.”
“Kaiden is very cute.” She replied as she took off her plimsolls and sat with her knees together holding her ankles, after almost forgetting she was wearing a skirt. “He brought me a drink.” She added, I smiled, “he was wonderful, shy though.”
“But he’s not.” I stressed, it was almost important to me and I don’t know why.
“You didn’t come for a drink?” She said, I shook my head.
“After Abi’s bir
thday, when I woke up with quite a hangover, I thought it best not. I didn’t want to make drinking appealing to me again.”
“Wise.” She said softly, I nodded.
Kieran and Riley had brought me home, as they were dropping Ashley and Jesse off as well. Aoife followed not long after, being dropped off by Kaiden, I had sat on the front garden wall to wait for her as I didn’t want to concern Mum that I’d come home without Aoife. “I know what you’re hinting at but I just can’t.”
“Why?” I asked,
“He’s…”
“Really decent and trans, which you know kind of helps.” I stated, she rolled her eyes.
“Casey, stop.” She said, I nodded because I was quite obedient.
“You’ll meet Mickey tomorrow; he appears to be quite excited.” I said, she nodded to me.
“I’m quite excited to meet him.” She said, “without him, you would be mine and we know that.”
“We know it.” I agreed then yawned which made her too.
“I think we need to go to bed.” She whispered, I smiled but stood from my bed to do so. It felt almost weird that we were both comfortable enough to change in front of each other. I didn’t even think about it as I reached for my pyjamas and began to get changed, getting to pulling my pants on then I looked at her, she laughed.
“Weird right.” She said, I smiled, sitting on my bed and getting under my duvet, she soon followed, laying opposite me, it made me grin. “Did I tell you how a guy tried to get me into bed?” She whispered, I frowned.
“When?”
“A few weeks ago, I went for a drink with the girls, just a few drinks no motives, and he was cute. So, we were kissing and things, he started sweet talking me, apparently really trying, he seemed a bit pissed when I straight out said no, so he tried to cop a feel,”
“Oh! I can imagine that didn’t end well.” I said, she shook her head.
“Not at all, poor guy I almost feel sympathy for him.” She said then grinned at me, I smiled back. “I didn’t get changed with the girls that night, they seemed quite pissy about that.” She said rolling her eyes.
Casey Page 12
