by Diane Munier
I brought her to me again, close to me, against me heart to heart. We were that way for a minute, letting love patch the cracks.
Tom Tanner
Chapter Fourteen
“Well, Grampa is the Irish. But Ma has the German,” I was telling Johnny as we rode to school. “So he brought the fun, an’ she brought duty,” I said. And between them we did thrive.
He was too quiet. He rode my horse, I rode my other come from Pa. I talked to him some about these matters, hoping to take his mind off his troubles, sure, but so he’d have some sense of himself. He did not come from hard-scrabble. We Tanners may not own some fancy store and such, but we were not pickers.
“How big is Grampa’s farm?” he said, for he was warming to it now.
“Not all his land is in one parcel. He’s got close to five hundred acres here about.”
Well, Johnny whistled, and he should. Pa got this over time and by careful calculation. Some he worked, some lay fallow, some not cleared, some farmed out. My pa had four sons, and one daughter, and two other ‘sons,’ he felt the pull to guide, so the push was in him to provide. Round here, we held ours.
I told Johnny some of it. How my pa came over with my three uncles, Seth, Garrett and Gaylin, bachelors all, brought here by an agent they met in New Orleans. Told them this was God’s cradle and they did pool their money and dig in on forty acres of unbroken sod with a cast iron plow, a prayer and a new made still. For sure they dug that rich earth, smelled it, gave it their blood and sweat and pulled up their living. One by one they branched off, until they all had a farm. Then one by one they died, Garrett first and that is why the oldest son of my pa was given his name. And over time the land funneled back to my pa, the only one to marry, the only one to be fruitful and multiply.
“How’d the others die?” he said. Well, he would want to know.
“Seth fell down a well he was digging and time he got out he died over the winter. Gaylin…well it was the whiskey, so let that be a lesson.” I cleared my throat a little. I reckon Uncle Seth was also playing the drunkard when he fell down the well, though we did not speak of it at home.
Anyways, truth proved out what that agent said. Illinois led the country in corn and wheat. My pa and us sons who survived, did our share.
“I want to be a farmer I grow up. Or a cowboy mayhap. Or a soldier.”
“Well, I feel sorry for anyone don’t know farming,” I said with great bias, and also to remove all notions of him ever leaving his mother as all boys were wont to do. And to knock that idea of soldier right out of his head, but truth to tell, war always came in time.
This farm of Addie’s, it was sixty or so. We joined together, and we would, it would go fine with all the machinery coming in these modern times that I aimed to buy. But I would not so much as buy a shovel before I ordered that stove for her.
“You be a good boy at school today. Tonight your Ma is gonna cut our hair…and I’m gonna tell you my three best stories from the war while we eat some more cake.”
“Yipee,” he said.
“So I won’t be checking on the bandana today. But you do your best. Anything really bad happens, and I mean something pretty much of a painful nature…not just splitting your pants…you get on that horse and ride home. But you be sure it was serious. If we are not there, I’ll leave the milk bucket on the porch and you’ll know we are at Granma’s.”
“Yes sir,” he said, deliberating more than I liked.
“Serious…understand?”
“Yes sir.”
“Good times ahead. We’ll be butchering in a couple weeks and there will be sausage and biscuits,” I said to get him hopeful.
“Two weeks?” he said, happy voiced.
“You ain’t seen the like,” I said. “And tomorrow we are going to town.”
He yipeed again. Then I watched him tie the horse and run down to that place like they were giving free candy.
So once I’d seen him in there, I turned back for home. I had much to do. When I reached home I would just stop in the house to tell my darling I was back and then I’d get busy. We planned to go to Ma and Pa’s late morning. Quinton and Lavinia were leaving. Hoorah. And I had not seen Seth. That’s when all the others appeared before me. I’d been holding them back, but there they were. Well, when we went to town tomorrow I could see how they fared then. It wasn’t my lookout to pave Gaylin’s way. He’d made his bed…boy did he ever.
Looking over the land, it was something how I’d lost the pull to leave this place. Reckon that was on me when I was looking for something. Death mayhap. I’d lost the thing in my blood. I didn’t want to own anything. Least of all myself. Now that itching foot was just gone. Ever since Iris. She not only told me to stay close to Addie, the notion to roam just left. Mayhap that was part of the good came from that journey to Monroe land. Now I knew what I wanted. I had who I wanted, sure, but what I wanted. That was the thing. I was proud of what I came from. And I wanted Johnny proud. Why would I run off and be a wayfaring stranger?
My pa…. I had so much to talk to him about. Well, growing up, Pa worked us hard, but he made it fun, he always did. Unlike me, Pa was not an angry man. We finished chores he made sure we got to run barefoot in the grain bins letting the grain get stuck between our toes, or swimming in the pond. We knew many a soothing time, just boys, just young. I reckon I had the lean toward fun in me still. I just had that other side Pa said came up in me when I got tested in that way he did not know. Leastways I was a man when it happened. Not like her. Not like Johnny.
A man could always be grateful if he looked broad and wide and kept it true. For there is always light. The dark can’t last against it. Dark never has the strength to stay. It can grip for a time, and grip hard, but the light is always behind it. The light is the thing that stays. I saw that in war. Me and Garrett talked it out. Once that smoke cleared there was always light. And then that one time Jimmy spoke of day he was shot…there were the doves. And peace will come, Garrett said. And it did.
When I got there the most darling things I’d ever seen were at the table…Janey being washed in the big pan, shiny pink and sweet soft. Addie cradled her head and squeezed that rag over her fat stomach. The delights just kept on coming.
My wife had on her chemise and her skirt, apron tied over. I would never be able to take her passive. She had her braids pinned over her head like a crown. Well she was my queen. I stepped close to her and settled my hands on the dip of her hour glass figure. She was bent over a bit for Janey’s sake. Little as she was she fit me perfect. So I bent my knees just a little and Lord. It was a slap of lust hit me that didn’t fit the moment as she had our baby in the tub and didn’t need me rutting. But I did plant a hot as fire kiss on the back of her sweet neck, and backed off with the reluctance of all of my kind in such matters.
“Oh,” she cried out, “when you kiss my neck I swear I fire and melt at once.” And her looking over her shoulder, face flushed pink as a rose. Dear Lord could we just stop it here and I would know my heaven for all time? Those words went right to my spine.
“Woman I will never get enough of you,” I said. And I could not even smile as I said it for I was serious.
Of the two, she held me, not the other way. Just that touch of her on me and I’d left this room with a blast that shelved me on a cloud. She had no idea.
I took off my jacket and rolled my sleeves. She watched that some, this beautiful smile not leaving her face, but mostly she had her eyes on Janey. I blew in my hands to warm them, and said, “Let me.”
So she was next to me, letting me slip my hands under Janey. Well I was a man knew how to use my hands. Not like some she’d known. And washing babies wasn’t so different than many of the things I’d done. I could use precision. Stitching wounds and tying off cords required it. But this was just a holy thing, but not solemn, just a joyful holy thing. And my sweet wife beside me, now her arm around my waist, and the other hand gripping on my arm. Well I knew she felt how solid I was ther
e. All of me was solid, and I mean.
So holding this little one and realizing the meat she’d put on, some muscle now under that skin and fat, and my Addie beside, well…a man wears an armor, many kinds for many reasons. But in this moment…there was just my heart. I was at the altar now. I was learning.
Tom Tanner
Chapter Fifteen
Next morning I watched the sky, the floor of heaven, some said. The clouds fragments of white, torn to shreds and drifting like memories giving way to clear blue. Gray hawk cutting across the bowl like a messenger…. Times like this I could hear them singing. It came down to him. My brother. Well, I’d hold his name and plow a deep furrow in this world. And I’d love her. I’d be a good man…a father. I was doing it now. And mayhap in heaven…he’d see and he’d smile…hold my name there. I did not know. But I could see past him lying there…the end. I could hope as I looked at this sky, this blue, this white. He got up. That’s what I knew. He flew up. That’s what I saw. Like those old songs. He never saw that mass grave. Not him. Angel band had come and taken him home.
This wasn’t a morning for thinking. It was a morning for being. I’d given my work a lick, and it wasn’t near enough, but these were my first days with Addie, and I couldn’t be sorry. Guilty, yes, but not sorry for I had been a man of duty. Now I was a man of love.
I strained the milk, put a covered bucket of it in the creek to keep it cool. When I returned Addie stood near our bed dressing. I picked Janey from her cradle and went to the window, but I watched my wife. Fine clothes, stitches and laces. I laid Janey on the bed and I tied her in back. I breathed her in, hair and skin. I ran my hand along her side. Soft clothes. Warm skin. My heart.
She bought these clothes in St. Louis she said. My jealousy so green and strangling. I wanted to buy her clothes. Burn everything like some crazy man.
I spoke to myself, hands out. Breathe. He hadn’t bought them. She would have picked them out herself. They were beautiful on her. A sack and a rope would have been beautiful on her. But oh, my darling, lace against her throat, the pulse, this skirt that swayed, this waist. “Where did you grow that baby?” I asked, meaning she was so tiny. And my hand went down her side again.
I lifted Janey and held her as I sat on the bed and watched her finish dressing, pearl buttons at her wrist. Sweet, sweet. And the ring.
I was used to iron and my rifle sliding apart, together, horseflesh and cowflesh against my shoulder while I milked, and wooden handles in my hands as I dug and picked and leather as I pulled and twisted. Dust in my throat, parched, whiskey burning, water sour and warm, hardtack and track and hard things. The crunch of bone when I hit with my fists. The slap of meat, the cry. The deep rage that drove me hard long years. My own self all of this. My own self.
Her lemon and skin, and drinking her in. Her soft eyes, her teeth sinking into her lip, her brow arched high. How I loved her.
I liked to know the way of things. I did with her. And yet…I didn’t know. She was more. Always more.
“You pay me such attention I shall be in perpetual blush,” she said dressed now in her skirt and tying her shoes. She wore the lacy blouse and the brown jacket matched the skirt. With that brown hair, so rich. And those eyes, well I had them in triple. Hers and Johnny’s. Now the baby’s. I saw the same in them, spark of life, looking to me, listening to me, open and seeking. All different sparks, all music that played to me now. Same and nothing the same. Three pure versions. My song, my chorus, my hallelujah.
Love had pulled back the curtain. I was defeated. There was this now. This sweet valley.
“Get used to it,” I said. “My eyes don’t want to be anywhere else,” and I laughed. She rushed about packing a bag for her and Janey. She had her work apron in there, and Janey’s many things.
“I don’t plan to ever get used to you, Mr. Tanner. Now how could I? I plan to stay in perpetual blush,” she said whisking past me, lips moving in a kiss, bunching like a rose she threw at me, soft petals, and going out the door.
Did that mean something? Did that mean…what did that mean? Well, I nearly forgot to leave the bucket for Johnny she got me so rattled.
I went out with Janey and put that bucket on the porch, then rounded the buggy and handed the baby in to Addie. I stood there looking at her. “You got the whole way to Ma’s to tell me what you mean,” I said.
“Best get in then.”
I hurried around that carriage and got in beside her. She gave me such a look, deep earth, deep secrets, made me blush if such a thing were possible with her. She brought the boldness out. I didn’t want to go to Ma’s. I wasn’t ready to share her. I wanted her to myself for days on end, until I said enough, and I never would.
I could not sit there staring at her all-day long. So we took off. “Gonna tell me?” I said.
“No,” she said. “I told you. I can’t get over you easy. I never will.”
“Mayhap I should turn this carriage and go for home,” I said, “and I can reward your…interest, my peach.”
“Don’t you do such,” she laughed. “We are going to your folks’ house and that is final,” she said.
I leaned for a kiss at least. Her soft lips. I knew the minute we got there they would sweep her away. She put her hand on my face and kissed me twice.
“Are you blushing?” I said, and I kissed her again. “Are you blushing?” I did it two more times, until she was laughing and Janey cried.
Well, I got going in earnest then. And I sang to Janey. Jeanie with the Light Brown Hair is what she liked, for I changed the name to Janey. So I sang that, and Addie sang with me and between that and the carriage moving, she quieted right down, her big eyes on me. Three miles were never so quick.
As soon as we pulled to Ma’s house, we noticed the man up ahead, coming from the direction of the hog pens. I knew Gaylin alright. I knew him. How could he show here?
“What is this?” I said, not meaning to.
“It’s Gaylin!” Addie said happy.
Yeah, I could see. And he looked as uncertain to see me as I was back. Well, Addie called to him, and he came forward and she handed him the baby, then he helped her down. He looked all flustered to see her and Janey so fine.
“Did Tom tell you I’m married now?” he said.
I stood there, my mouth dragging in the dirt. Addie looked at me, and I was in trouble again.
“No I did not tell her,” I said.
And he knew I was not celebrating. I went to the horses and led them into the barn, carriage in tow. I tied them in there, and said howdy to Pa.
“Gaylin has a wife,” he said to me, for my pa believed in marriage. The downfall of his brothers was in not taking wives, he said. Ma had another story on it included drunkards and shiftless as in no direction once they were on their own, but Pa held firm.
“Yes,” I said. “A wife.”
“You forgot to tell us?” he said.
“I thought he should,” I said.
Then he slapped my back and broke out laughing. “Such a girl that Rosie!”
For the second time my lip was dragging. “You’ve met her?” I reckoned I never thought he’d bring her around.
“She’s in the house with Ma and Quinton and Lavinia. Let’s go.” I hadn’t seen him walk with such purpose since our cow’s hinders fell through the ice that day. But this was more than that. His elbows were raised like he might start to fly. Of course he’d love the Irish. He’d see nothing else.
That dove was in the house with Ma. And Addie. He brought her into our beating heart. This was my first time home with my new family. This was our day…the oldest son coming home married, kill the fattened calf.
I had planned to keep them regaled with a few of my adventures, pardon me. I’d only barely escaped death yet again, and been thrown out of a train to boot. I’d only saved their baby boy while I was at it, to have him come now and steal my glory.
So save the marrow bone. Another time, mayhap. It’s only a marriage. Ain’t there some
horses need shod? Some pigs gutted? Fifty bags of corn need to go in the hopper? Let’s be sure and sign me up for that while this prodigal gets him a party.
I could hear the hoo-rah going on before I ever went in that door, and there they were, all those joyous faces, mocking everything right. They glanced at me, and looked back quick to Rosie who stood head of the table blond and shining. Thank the Lord she had a dress on, one fastened to her neck almost. It could be a different story, I tell you. Guess I should be glad we didn’t have the fancy chandeliers like at Quinton’s for she’d surely be swinging on them, nipples in the wind.
Only Addie’s eyes were on me. Well, yes, I had not told her. Quinton was tittering like the chipmunk he was, and Lavinia was clapping her hands like she was beating dust from her gloves. I couldn’t imagine what this dove could be saying that had them all ready to fly to Jesus. When Ma had to take her spectacles off her face to wipe them on her apron for she had been laughing so eagerly, I thought I might have the wrong farm after all, for I’d known whole years when she did not so much as smile but told us what to do with the same relentless, uncrackable note of martyrdom in her voice.
And here’s the thing that felt like fire ants chomping in my mind, Gaylin was standing beside her, the proud and happy groom. He was proud! And holding my Janey. And this was my day to stand tall with my precious queen of virtue, my pure as the driven snow woman, my Addie and our child. This was my time. I had finally gotten it right, gone from Cain to King David, and I was here to collect, to get my due, send Cousin off while I was dancing a secret jig, finally, and there Gaylin stood, with his lascivious whore who let men look at her drawers and didn’t even have the self-respect to charge a whole dollar.
“Tom?” Addie said. For they had all grown quiet, staring at me, looking at me like I was the one we should all be shaming. Well, I’d had my time in those shackles. And no more. I wouldn’t be a part of this. So I turned and went out.
Addie came after me. “Tom,” she said.
