by Diane Munier
And I stayed there and my hands did touch him, and I did simmer and quiet as quick as I had given him the tombstone that was in me, as quick as he had taken it and left me.
A hand on my arm brought me out of myself, but I could not let go of him, not yet. It was Ma standing there, swallowing, but not breaking yet. I felt it all.
She did say, “He is gone. Lay him down, Son.”
I eased from him and gentled him down and folded his hands against his chest, my Pa. And I stood and took her in my arms and she fell against me and she fell over him and she let it out, she let it out while I steadied her around the waist, and I felt the wound in me, the wound in her just love so broken and running wild, just love.
And the others came in, even the children, around the bed we gathered, and we were not so few now, and when Ma could she straightened and I held her to me and I felt it in me…a strong thing, a broken, patched, right and wrong, a set thing, flawed and perfect, sincere and full of shit, unrelenting stubborn and surrendered. I was me. Torn and bleeding, alive and breathing fire, I was here.
My brother pulled Ma to him. He held her, and Addie behind, her hands holding my sides, and I pulled her round and I kissed her then, and pulled Johnny against me, and him crying hard, so hard, and I picked him up and held him and he held on tight and I knew him like this other times. And I told him it would be okay for it would be.
Some things we lay down easy. Some things we lay down and take back again and again. Some things we just got to carry. And no matter what we do…we ain’t the same. Love, love changes us for it’s alive.
I had my Pa…all my life. He made me a swing in the barn. He laid me on a blanket and he let me work out my misery and he did see something in me…he did call me to it all my life, even as he was leaving this earth his eye was on me and his love and by God, by God death couldn’t take him away for he was in me now and we were held together forever him and me by love, by blood, by the hands he give me. My pa.
Tom Tanner
Chapter Forty-One
Me and Gaylin made Pa’s box. It started out the hardest thing we ever imagined doing, talking about his size, the way to shape it.
“This is Pa’s box,” Gaylin said once and he went out.
I looked around at the tools so cared for. His cup of nails bent from the many times his hand dipped in. His hammers lined on the wall by size, and the times and times I saw him wield such, the lessons, the soft way he taught me.
Gaylin came back in and he found me standing there staring around. “Boy he’s all over here, ain’t he?” I said.
He nodded and we slowly got back to it.
We were up late in his woodshed figuring it and cutting the boards, nailing them proper. He did teach us to do a job proud, and this was one way to use up some of the love we couldn’t give him no more. But Seth would smooth it and rub it with oil for he had the patience Pa always did say.
It was during the evening when Cousin and Lavinia got home with Seth. That one had the hardest time. He threw himself over Pa, and he was quiet for a long time, but he was undone. He should have been there, he said. He wasn’t going back to school ever. He never should have left. We let him carry on some, and stay in there private with Pa. But the womenfolk were in the middle of preparing the body.
“We are preparing him,” Ma said. “Take a chair now. Your Pa was only proud of you. Does this Lord you study not have His timing?”
Well, he held to her then and she comforted him.
And after Seth sat against the wall and watched some as Rosie and Addie and Ma did remove Pa’s clothes. They covered him with towels to keep him modest, and they brought the wash pan and rags. Pretty soon Seth asked for the rag and he washed my Pa’s hands. This seemed to comfort him some.
Seth noticed Pa had a freckle on his temple shaped like a perfect heart, and we had never noticed such, for he was sun dark most his life, but in the stillness of death it was there, and we did file in to see it. The womenfolk…and Seth…they did touch Pa so easily. I wondered at such. They…the women…had such a gentleness, such a courage with living. My sweet wife, my Addie…her fitting Pa’s socks on his feet. And this Rosie, kissing him on the lips. Her hands so careful as she combed his hair. Yes, she was cleansed like me. She had told him cause she could. Pa’s love didn’t go away for nothing. It was bigger than the sins we committed.
Time we set Seth onto the coffin, he was coming around with his sorrow. Like Pa said, he made that wood look like it was dipped in honey.
In the morning, William come with Lenora and Mose. Then we set off to dig Pa’s grave. And there were plenty on hand to do it, ones coming with their shovels from all around, our boys from the war, and other’s older. But we said no, it is ours. So we traded off at the cemetery by the church and folks sat around and watched us, spoke of our Pa, how he’d helped one or the other.
The uncles were buried there, and there were more stories. And so we did dig it out me and Johnny, Gaylin, Seth and William. And we men did pass Rosie’s flask a time or two, and our Pa, no drinking man as a rule, but we did pour some in that hole to him as did others and it was no toast, but more like communion wine, it was remembrance.
Back home Pa was ready in his Sunday Suit, laid out on the bed. We set the box up in the big room and Ma brought out that wedding quilt, that sacred shroud her mother made her forty years ago when she became his bride. And we was proud of that quilt and she kept it in the chest and we barely seen it except we was hiding from one another and went in there until she caught us.
She lined that box with such, so careful, smoothing it over, and Gaylin and me carried our Pa and laid him on the eider down. We told ourselves he looked fine, and for one dead I reckon he did, but it was a hard fist to see him such. A new punch every time I looked. But my Addie held me every chance. And I felt myself glued together when she did.
And so they started to come, the wagons, the rigs, through the mud they came the whole of this county seemed, for he was a good man, a steady man, a man of wisdom, a man of grace. And they did come and we did stand proud and we did let them view his remains and we did watch over and sat the night and they did come and go.
And to the graveyard we went next day, and we did lower him gentle, we his sons, me and Gaylin, Seth and William. And the ones looked like me stood tight and close in, and the ones like William stood tight and back. And we did lower him down and put the dirt over, and we did sing the songs and Mose did say the words. And there were amens and huzzahs. And a dove, I swear to the Maker above, a dove did fly over, and I looked at William and him at me, and we knew, we knew as God is my witness that my dear pa was united with his family and he was at peace.
And somberly and touched by the outpouring and the sign in heaven, we did gather ourselves back home to live in it now…the loss.
Well, Allie was beside. We had sent notice to Springfield and they sought to find Jimmy but we had yet to hear. And a week into our grief he came middle of the night, puny and bedraggled, and he did come right to me, for I had heard him ride up and I was out to meet him with my gun. And he was off his horse and he did come to me and we did grab hold of each other for longer, for more than ever. I felt in his shoulders the struggle he’d had, and the heart in him, and I let my strength be his.
He went in to see Allie, and I heard her yell and she did fall against him, and he went to his knees with her and she did wail against him, cry and cry she did, and he did hold her there in that huddle, and it was some time before…some time.
So we sat with him and Allie the rest of the night and we did share our grief and our stories. Ma was so comforted to have him for he was her dark sheep and all her life she cajoled him to stay a good path.
“There is the land,” I told him. Next to faith and family, Pa said, it’s land anchors a man.
Jimmy and Allie shared a goodly piece where a man could live and raise his family. And he knew this would come to him, and he did tell Ma thank you. But he was not settled he was just tryi
ng to catch up to himself…to his ambition and the thing he must prove. But the comfort of such a thing, well I knew what it meant.
Gaylin would take over here with Ma. Addie and I would go home next day. We had been staying here most nights, gathering with the family while Ma reasoned some into the notion Pa was gone. Well all of us. It was the children did give us comfort and we were sweet with them, riding the ponies, walking the land, playing checkers and telling our stories while Johnny sketched and sketched.
Day before Seth had not wanted to leave, but he would come when the term was up instead of staying over in St. Louis and working as he had the year past. Cousin was nothing but helpful, and Lavinia and him happy as two in sympathy can be.
William and Lenora had also gone home. William would get the forty Pa promised. For now we would continue to rent it out to farm and send them the profits. But it was there…and his. Lenora looked older but fulfilled with her noble work for she had been raised to do something big. Well Mose did not stop ever, and he and my pa went way back in understanding.
Jimmy and Allie were here for now. She was not inclined to let him go very soon.
So it was and me taking stock. And me…though wounded…a very rich man.
Epilogue
Greenup, Illinois 1878
Tom Tanner
“Pa, Pa,” Johnny yelled. He was waving his hat and calling for me from the direction of the house.
“What is it?” Gaylin said.
“It’s time,” I said, for either that or an army approached my son was that het up.
“Take the wagon!” Gaylin yelled but I was already on the run.
Johnny saw I was coming and took off before me and I’d never catch him this ground fresh plowed and looking to turn my ankles even with my boots.
But once I cleared that field, well I took a breath. Mayhap the water broke. She wasn’t going to drop that baby in the fifteen minutes it would take me to get there. I’d just seen her at dinner and that was only an hour before and she told me then she felt funny, and I had my arms around her and said, “Darling get off your little feet.” Well, they weren’t so little right now for they had been swollen like loaves of bread, and she had no cause to run herself ragged with the help we had.
But I had nothing but love and gratitude for her…my little queen, my Addie. My beauty and God above, “Bring her through this for you know what she is to me I do tell you everyday.” So I was running again.
When I got to the house she was in the bed already and they directed me there and I told them all, “Calm down, she will be fine.” But I said it to myself in truth.
I walked into our room and there she was and I took her shoes off and her stockings and rubbed her feet. “Are you hurting darling? Are the pains coming regular? Did the water break?”
“Rosie was here and we fought…she insisted on going for the doctor. Went herself on Jimmy’s black. Oh, that feels so good,” she said.
“On the black? Hope she can handle horseflesh. Where’s Johnny?” I left off with rubbing her feet and sat on the edge of the bed to pull off my boots.
“I sent him for you and then after her. I do not want that old doctor and his rodent hands on me.”
She was so fiery and pretty lying there, her cheeks all flushed such a pink and that heavy luxuriant hair spread out. Well, she was trying to control what she could, and usually that was me and I gave over gladly for she’d catch herself need be.
“Don’t worry yourself, Sweetheart. You got a baby to shove out of there…and I ain’t got a thing other to do.”
“Oh…you’re so sweet,” she said. “But if you put another in me…this is the last Tom Tanner.”
I was busy the whole time she talked. And talking helped her, it always did take the steam off the kettle for her. So I was all over, taking off my shirt and rolling my sleeves.
“Is it terrible I am admiring you even while I lie here ready to foal?” she laughed.
“It’s what gets us here, darling, and I ain’t complaining,” I said, readying the bed around her by pulling off that good quilt, then reaching under her dress to keep her modest. Well, the drawers were already off. “We’re gettin’ good at this,” I said, my hands happily splayed against her warm round flesh.
“Finally learning,” said she, “but if I’d kept my drawers on regular I wouldn’t be in this fix again.”
I kissed her and said, “Be right back directly and I like it when your drawers ain’t on.”
She swatted me and I went to the kitchen and got things going there. The girls needed direction. Extra sheets and cool water to drink and some scissors boiled and some string and some carefully heated oil and some water boiled, and a pan of cool water with a rag and the teas Addie had in the special bag from Granma brewed and at the ready.
The cradle was already set up and ready in our room. I knew the army was on its way, Ma and them, and that would mean the heavenly feast so I did not trod into that sacred land. Well, I encouraged them again and walked me a circle or two and got back in to my darling.
I went in and tied the strips of cloth to the bed posts so she could use them need be to pull against.
So it was I sat beside her, braiding her hair and encouraging her she could do this again. Another hour and we were in to it. My pocket watch was in hand. The doc came, but he had to sit in the living room with the others, for she was not inclined to let him in our bedroom. She did let the midwife in once she showed, another of Lenora’s cousins for that one was related to half the county. She wanted her here in case the baby needed turned but so far there was good progress.
And long about supper time she did deliver. Well, we had us a nice fat boy. I could barely contain myself, tired as I was, for he was a lusty one and so well formed. But I did not feel we were done until that afterbirth came clean. Then I did want to kick up my heels.
As for her, she looked beautiful sitting in her dressing gown against the pillows and holding that one.
“You do make them outstanding,” I said to my bride and such love in me I could barely hold together.
“Well,” she whispered, “I did have some help,” and she kissed me.
Ma had come earlier and now she took the baby for she and Allie and Rosie were all here, for they did not trust this baby-delivering arrangement unless they could snoop over every little thing. We had sent the doc home long time ago, I swear the chicken leg in his hand as he walked out the door. The midwife was on her way with Johnny driving and happy too so he could swing by and see his girl I knew, yes that one had her eye on him from way back, Violet.
Johnny was going to leave us soon, well off to Cousin and school in St. Louis. I was of mixed mind, excited for him and a jealous bastard over him, not knowing how I was going to bear it…then thinking of Pa and four of us leaving at once for the war and when you are young you don’t need a sorry Pa hanging on you, you don’t think of such, and you shouldn’t have to.
But Ma and the hens would stand guard over this new life, and I would do my best to stay out of here, sneaking in regular for my kisses and smiles from the one who held my heart always…my Addie.
“This is the last one,” Addie sang to me patting my cheek.
“I heard that before,” I sang back.
“You best keep away from me,” she said.
“I’ve tried, but you come after me,” I whispered for her hunting me down in the barn is how we got this one. And we kissed, and I was ready to make another right there.
Well, I was proud and William came round that evening to share a drink in the barn, for he had finally built that cabin on that forty he farmed. And Gaylin was never bitter for mine were as good as his since they did not seem to know which house they lived in…mine didn’t. And him and Rosie had adopted two others besides Cleata who had just turned fifteen. Jimmy and Allie had a more manageable brood, Elizabeth and a son Buster, with the four of them living in town since he was our mayor.
In the kitchen, I held our new boy and I told Ma,
“Then this is Tom Junior the Second as I am the First…after Pa.”
She did run her old hand through my hair then, pulling just a bit. “He’d a been proud. Well he is…looking down.”
I grinned at her.
“Can I hold him, Pa?” Janey asked me.
“Reckon this one can be yours…on loan,” I said to my little blooming rose, now twelve.
“Me too,” Rosie said, for she had succored the lot and they were a spoiled group.
Well, Daniel and Garrett came in from far afield. I could smell the earth and sweat and boy of them. They stayed in the lean-to door and said their hello’s. Ma went to them to kiss and hug and it was just sickening how public she’d gotten in her old age. But they liked to be adored, they surely did.
“Pa,” Daniel said.
“You see this baby?” I said for his loud voice had startled the mite.
“Yes sir, he’s real nice.”
I had to stifle my laugh for Daniel was a man of few words and those were pretty hilarious sometimes.
“How’s Mama?” Garrett asked.
“She is fine. She is resting,” I said.
“Can we go swimming?” Daniel said.
“Chores done?”
“Yes sir,” they said as one.
“We will be quick,” Garrett said.
“Quick is the thing,” I said back and they chorused, “Yes sir.”
They were two years different, and they looked alike, like me truth to tell, but I saw Garrett in both, not only the namesake. But how Daniel had survived for the two years before Garrett is anyone’s guess. They were never apart.
And after them we had Molly. She was four. She favored Allie and was in the other room with that one for they were sewing clothes for her doll.
And now this little surprise, Tom Jr. the Second. Could a man have such a bursting quiver and be anything but ecstatic? Well, not me. I had held off a namesake for I did not want Johnny to feel held out. He had taken the name Tanner years back, keeping Varn for the middle and causing Cousin undue paperwork much to my secret glee. But when Daniel came I felt to give him my name would turn a hurt in him mayhap. Same with Garrett, but now with Johnny grown, he was celebrating the name same as me and Addie, same as Ma, for it had been our choice was this a boy.
