Guarding His Heart

by Synithia Williams

  You don’t love me, Kevin. I can’t stick around and wait for you to love me.

  He wasn’t made for long-term. He hated hurting the people who cared about him. He couldn’t bear to see Jasmine’s love for him eventually turn into hate.

  There was a knock on the bathroom door. Kevin took a deep breath and opened it. Jasmine, naked and beautiful, stood on the other side.

  “You plan to hide in there all night?” she tried to tease, but worry clouded her gaze.

  Shit, she had meant the words. Which meant he had to say something back. Hey, thanks for your love, but don’t expect it in return probably wasn’t what she wanted to hear.

  “I was just about to come out.”

  “Hey, about that.” She pointed over her shoulder toward the bed. “About what I said. Let’s not make it a big deal.”

  A mixture of relief and disappointment washed over him. The relief he got. The disappointment...that was unexpected. He focused on the relief. She didn’t want to make what she said a big deal. She wasn’t really in love with him. That was good. He didn’t want love to come up in their relationship. Regardless, of the damn knot forming in his chest.

  “I’m not,” he infused his voice with an extra bit of don’t-be-silly and punctuated it with a shoulder shrug. “Stuff said during sex doesn’t mean anything.”

  Her brows drew together. “It doesn’t?”

  “Yeah, everyone says crazy things when they’re having sex.” He kissed her forehead. “I didn’t give it a second thought.”

  He walked past her into the bedroom, the lie harder to tell than he’d expected. He’d just freaked about her falling in love with him, but now that she was taking it back, a sense of unease settled around him. Why? He didn’t love her.

  You’re not acting like a guy who isn’t in love.

  He shut up the inner critic.

  “So...you don’t have any feelings about what I said?”

  “Only glad that we’re on the same page,” he answered, keeping his back to her.

  His cell phone rang. He’d left it in the living room and took that as the escape plan he needed. He strode out of the room. His phone was in the pocket of his pants on the floor. By the time he dug it out, the call had ended. He checked the caller ID. Sabrina. Frowning, he dialed back.

  “Kevin?” Sabrina snapped.

  “Yeah, I couldn’t get to the phone in time.”

  She scoffed. “Let me guess—you’re busy with your latest fling?”

  “What are you talking about?” He immediately went on the defensive against her accusatory tone.

  “Asia told me you introduced her to one of your playthings. What the hell, Kevin? We agreed that you wouldn’t bring those women around the kids.”

  “Hold up, I didn’t bring one of those women around. Jasmine was in town and I had a meeting last minute. She was only with Asia for a few hours.”

  “She took our daughter shopping,” Sabrina slowly enunciated each word, judgment and anger an extra pinch on each word. “Now Asia is talking about her dad’s new girlfriend who’s so great with her piercings and blue hair. She’s already telling her sister that there’s going to be a wedding.”

  Kevin stumbled back a few steps. The words felt like a blow to the stomach. “Wait...what? That’s crazy. There isn’t going to be a wedding.”

  “I know that. That’s why we came up with the rules. No introducing them to the women you’re sleeping with. They’re itching for you to settle down, Kevin. You can’t bring your women around all the time. It gets the girls’ hopes up.”

  “Look, I’ll talk to Asia. Jasmine and I are cool, but it’s not that serious,” Kevin explained.

  “Then you shouldn’t have brought her around Asia in the first place,” Sabrina snapped. She took a breath as if calming herself. “You know the rule. Introduce her to the family first. You came up with this rule and I followed it when things got serious with Mac.”

  That had been his rule. With their blended family, none of them had wanted their kids to get attached to someone who was only in their lives for a fleeting moment. He’d heard too many horror stories of wannabe stepparents coming in and hurting kids. If things got serious, each parent was to know and meet the person who’d be around their kids.

  Kevin pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Look, I hear you, okay? I messed up and should have told you about Jasmine. I was in a bind with the meeting and I didn’t think.” He’d trusted Jasmine completely with Asia. “You can stop now. I’ll talk with Asia and it won’t happen again.”

  “See that it doesn’t.” The call ended.

  Kevin swore. The entire conversation irritated him even more. He should have told Sabrina about Jasmine before he introduced her to Asia. He’d broken his own rule and he accepted that.

  That wasn’t the source of his irritation. Sabrina talking about Jasmine as if she were nothing bothered the crap out of him. Yes, he’d had a freak-out moment when he thought they were approaching the I love you portion of this relationship, but that didn’t mean she was just like the other women he’d dated recently. Jasmine was different.

  He went back into the bedroom. There was no way she hadn’t heard his end of the conversation. Sabrina had been yelling and his voice had risen in response.

  Jasmine wasn’t in the bedroom. The bathroom door was closed. The sound of running water came from the other end.

  He exhaled in relief. If she’d been in there and hadn’t heard, at least they wouldn’t have another awkward conversation about Sabrina being angry about Jasmine spending time with Asia today. He flipped off the overhead light, turned on the bedside lamp and slipped between the covers. The bathroom door opened, and Jasmine stopped in the door. Their gazes met. She looked away first.

  She didn’t say anything as she crossed the room and got into bed beside him. Kevin rolled over and pulled her back against his front. She didn’t stiffen or fight the movement.

  Everything seemed right but felt weird. Her blurted words, the quick sweeping of them under the rug, Sabrina’s call. They all loomed over their heads like spiders.

  “Good night, Jasmine,” he said, pulling her closer and closing his eyes. Everything could wait until tomorrow.

  She sighed. “Good night, Kevin.”

  * * *

  Kevin jerked awake. His room was dark. His heart pounded with the adrenaline from being woken suddenly. He glanced to his left.

  Jasmine wasn’t in the bed with him. Odd.

  He looked at the clock. They’d fallen asleep a few hours ago. The sun was still down, and the sky was dark outside his window. Where was she?

  A rattling sound came from the kitchen. Frowning, Kevin threw back the covers and jumped out of the bed. He grabbed a pair of boxers from the drawer before going to investigate. When he got to the kitchen, his frown deepened.

  Jasmine was in there. She was on her knees at the door of his pantry. Frantically, she pushed things aside and mumbled to herself.

  “Jasmine, what are you doing?” He kept his voice calm so as not to startle her.

  She jumped anyway. Flipping around to look at him and falling onto her rear. “Why are you sneaking up on me?”

  “I heard a noise and you weren’t in the bed. I came to look for you.”

  Her skin glowed under the kitchen lights with a fine sheen of sweat. “I feel myself going low. I came in here for a snack.”

  He immediately crossed the room to kneel beside her on the floor. He’d been with her on other nights when her blood sugar levels had gone low. She usually kept snacks or juice with her to bring her levels back up. He should have thought of that. “Are you okay? Do you need me to get you anything?”

  She waved a hand. “No, I’m fine. I just had a hard time finding anything in here. I had planned to go to the store earlier and get some juice boxes but got distracted with Asia.�
��

  “I can go to the store if you need me to,” he offered. Guilt pressed heavily on his chest. He’d asked her to stay with him, then hadn’t thought about what she would need if she stayed the night.

  Way to be a good boyfriend there, Kevin. Letting her down already and you haven’t even claimed the official boyfriend title yet.

  He pushed aside the critical thought.

  She picked up the box next to her on the floor. “I found Pop-Tarts,” she said triumphantly. “Half of one should be good.” She opened the box and took out one of the strawberry pastries.

  “You should have reminded me to stock up before you came. I would have.” Self-reproach seeped into his voice making the words sharper than he’d intended.

  She took a bite of the Pop-Tart. “I didn’t think I’d have to tell you,” she mumbled around the food in her mouth. She threw a judgmental glare his way.

  Kevin sat on the floor and crossed his arms. “What?”

  “I mean really, Kevin. How many nights have we spent together?” The words were slightly slurred. Her eyes narrowed.

  Her levels must have gotten low. He’d seen this side of her, too. The cranky, not quite coherent Jasmine that came out when she needed insulin.

  He reached for her hands to help her up. “We’ve spent several nights together.” He kept his voice calm.

  Jasmine jerked her hands out of his reach. “Yeah, and on the several nights we’ve spent together, I’ve gotten up a few times because I needed something.”

  “I’m aware of that.”

  “And you—” she pointed the half eaten Pop-Tart at him “—should have realized that and had things here.”

  He’d had the same thought earlier, but hearing the accusation from her lips put him on defense. “Whoa, whoa, wait a second. I’ll admit I could’ve stocked up knowing you were coming. But you’ve dealt with this all your life. I know you know how to take care of yourself.”

  He clenched his teeth to stop from saying more. When Jasmine got like this, it scared him. Scared him to see her personality and body become something other than the bright, vibrant person he cared for. He knew her condition wasn’t her fault, but he hated knowing she was sick and there was little he could do.

  “I guess I shouldn’t have expected anything else. I mean, we aren’t really in a relationship, are we? I’m nobody.”

  “Where the hell is this coming from?” He had a good idea.

  She struggled to get up. Kevin moved fast, ignoring the stiffness in his knees and arms to help her up.

  “I heard you on the phone, Kevin.” She jerked her arms out of his grip when she was on her feet. “You told your ex-wife I wasn’t important to you.”

  “I told her Asia was setting high expectations, but I didn’t say you weren’t important to me.”

  “You said we weren’t getting married.”

  He tried to tamp back his frustration. “Because we aren’t.”

  “Are you saying you never want to marry me?” she asked, affronted.

  “Hold up, you just told me you loved me, then took it back. Now you want to talk about marriage?” Maybe reasoning with her right now wasn’t the best thing, but his mind whirled at the hurt in her voice.

  “I took it back because I didn’t want you to freak out.”

  “Who said I was going to freak out?”

  She poked him in the chest. “You disappeared in the bathroom after I said it. That’s a freak-out. What was I supposed to say after that?”

  “The truth.”

  Her eyes widened as if the idea of being truthful hadn’t occurred to her. She regained her composure, nodded with quick, jerky movements and straightened her shoulders. “Okay, fine, here’s the truth. I do love you. There. Happy now?”

  Kevin cringed and then pinched the bridge of his nose. It was too late, and he was too tired for this. She wasn’t feeling well and, as he’d seen previously, may not remember this conversation tomorrow. “Jasmine, you don’t know what you’re saying.”

  “Oh, first it was sex made me say it. Now it’s my need for a Pop-Tart.” She threw the rest of the pastry on the floor. It broke into several dry pieces.

  “Well, you aren’t always logical when you get like this.”

  “I’m perfectly logical,” she said in a cool, clear voice. “I need something to keep me from going low. That doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m saying or that I won’t remember this in the morning, or that I won’t remember what you say or don’t say tomorrow.”

  “What I don’t say?”

  She took a step toward him, her dark eyes intent. The colorful scarf she’d put around her hair was loose enough for the blue tips of her hair to slip out. “Just admit it. You freaked when I told you I loved you. You don’t love me and you don’t want to marry me.”

  He didn’t want to say it. Saying so would mean the end of them, and he wasn’t ready for the end of them. “Jasmine, I care about you. What we’ve got going is fine. Why do you want to have this discussion now?”

  A sheen covered her eyes. “Because eventually I’ll want those things you don’t want to define. I want someone who loves me. Possibly get married one day. I want a guy who cares enough to think about me coming into town, who puts juice boxes in the pantry.”

  She wanted more than just juice boxes in the pantry. She wanted to depend on him. Trust that he’d be the man she needed. The partner in her life who she could always count on to be there. The kind of man he’d failed to be. “I told you I’m not good with that.”

  “Why aren’t you good with that? Because you’re divorced? News flash, sometimes people get divorced but that doesn’t mean they can’t fall in love again.”

  “Yeah, well, I tried that, too, and it didn’t work out,” he snapped back. “She said I couldn’t love her. That I wasn’t there for her. And when she walked out after having the twins, I realized the only thing I cared about were the twins. Not that I was losing her. I can’t give you what you want. I’m not capable of that.”

  “Maybe they weren’t right for you.”

  “There is no such thing as the right one. The only thing those kinds of thoughts lead to are expectations and disappointment. I don’t want to disappoint you.”

  “You already have.” She tried to push past him.

  Kevin took her arm and pulled her close. She struggled to get out of his hold. He didn’t let go. Tonight was a fluke. They’d talk tomorrow, work things out. Keep this going a little longer.

  “Jasmine, chill.”

  “I’m leaving.”

  “No you’re not.” He held her tighter. She didn’t struggle, just leaned closer to him.

  “You don’t love me,” she mumbled against his chest.

  He cupped the back of her head. “I care about you a lot.” More than he’d expected.

  “I want more than that, Kevin. I can’t stick around and keep doing this when this isn’t what I want. Not for the long-term.”

  She leaned more heavily into him. He glanced at the remains of the Pop-Tart on the floor. She’d eaten about half before tossing it. She should be okay for the night. “Look, let’s get some rest and talk in the morning. You’re not feeling well and it’s late. We’ve got the weekend to spend together.”

  “Tomorrow won’t change how I feel.”

  A few more hours would give him time to think about what he wanted. Did he want to try to give her what she wanted? Was he ready to try again?

  He lifted her up into his arms. His joints ached. He squeezed her tighter. Biting his lip as sweat popped along his brow. A few seconds later and he had his bearings.

  Try to be what she needs when you can barely lift her? What if she gets really sick? What good would you be?

  Jasmine’s head rested on his shoulder. She sighed and relaxed into his body.

  “We’ll worry about tomor
row when it comes,” he said.

  He took her into the bedroom and laid her on the bed as gently as his stiff, aching joints would allow. Jasmine didn’t notice his struggle. She sighed and rolled over. Her eyes drifted closed. Kevin pulled the covers over her, then slipped into the bed next to her. He wanted to pull her into the circle of his arms, but he also worried he’d stiffen up and feel worse in the morning.

  Kevin reached a hand over and placed it on her hip. Maybe he wouldn’t break her heart. Maybe he could let go and love her. But how could he be the one to watch over her every night?

  Chapter 18

  The sound of music playing in another room woke Jasmine. She stretched and glanced around. Kevin wasn’t in bed next to her, but the thought of him made her smile.

  Then the memories of the day before pierced her brain with the unpleasantness of a roaring hangover. She’d had fun with Asia. Kevin had joined them, and they’d had more fun together, almost like Jasmine was part of the family. She’d liked that so much, she’d realized she loved him and wanted to be a part of his family.

  And that’s where the night began its downward spiral, great camera moment and lovemaking after excluded.

  Falling in love was the dumb stuff she was supposed to have avoided this time. She wasn’t supposed to fall in love with the guy and his kids again. Especially when the guy in question admitted he didn’t want long-term commitments.

  Then she’d been really dumb and screamed out that she loved him during sex. What type of cliché, over-the-top, I’ve-lost-my-mind foolishness was that?

  Jasmine slapped her hand over her face and groaned. That should have been the highlight of her embarrassment. But no, the Jasmine-isn’t-important-to-me conversation he’d had with his ex-wife had really taken the cake.

  Asia didn’t need to get overly excited about her dad being in a relationship. He had no intentions of ever marrying this woman. She’d just happened to be in town. No big deal at all.