by Violet Duke
When he handed Skylar her suitcase, he saw that there were still questions in those beautiful blue eyes of hers so he tried to answer them as best he could. “Christmas…it was only a holiday to me because Leo made it one for me. Without him, it’s just December 25th. Does that make sense?”
She nodded in that thoughtfully serene way she always did, understanding what he was just learning for the first time himself.
“Merry Christmas, Drew.” She hugged him tight and whispered, “You don’t have to say it back. I understand now. Thank you…for explaining it to me.”
While a part of him wished he could say it, he didn’t. Because he didn’t want to say it when he didn’t feel the same way she did about it.
“I’ll see you later, beautiful. Have fun with your family.”
CHAPTER NINE
“So…you and the Lawson boy. That’s a pretty surprising new development.”
Skylar smiled. Her father wasn’t exactly the king of subtlety. “Not really. He was a senior when I was a freshman. Plus, he is basically a Spencer, even though he hasn’t let them adopt him—not for lack of trying on their part, of course.”
Another silent dad-nod.
She sighed and looked over at her teddy bear of a father. “Alright, spill. What did you find?”
“What do you mean?” He was the picture of innocence. Not.
“How long after I texted you Drew’s name did you wait before calling up Uncle Connor’s private investigator at the firm?”
“The longest five minutes of my life. You can thank your mom for that, by the way. Because she tackled me to get my phone—been teaching that woman too many of my coaching moves. When my spleen stopped hurting, I hobbled all around the house trying to find where the twins had hidden the landline.”
Despite the gross invasion of her privacy, she laughed alongside him, imagining the comedy scene in the making those five minutes must have been. “Seeing as how you and Uncle Connor gave us a whole fifty yards to say goodbye, I’m guessing there wasn’t much dirt found?”
“On the contrary, Jay said that was the most he’d ever dug up on a twenty-one-year-old. And believe me, impressing Jay is not a selling point for a father.”
Lips twitching to the side, she admitted, “I guess I should have told you Drew’s a hacker.”
“Would’ve been nice, yeah.”
“But only for the good guys.”
“A marginally redeeming grain of rice I threw over onto the good side of the scale,” he countered dryly, even though his expression showed no small amount of respect over that.
She hesitated for a moment before revealing the rest—what she’d pieced together over the years from the Spencers, at least. “He’s been searching for his brother Leo for the past decade, ever since he went MIA in Afghanistan.”
At that, Brian’s voice sobered completely. “Yeah, we’ve all heard about it. I’m sorry your friend has been going through that. If the roles were reversed…” Pain washed over his features. “I’d never stop looking for your Uncle Connor either.”
There wouldn’t have been a doubt in her mind.
“Not that my thoughts on the topic mean spit in terms of what you’ll end up doing,” he began, his voice roughening with emotion. “Just so you know, Drew seems like a fine young man.”
She never had a doubt there either on his conclusion where Drew was concerned, but she did feel a little like fainting from shock. “Thanks. I think so, too.”
They watched as the twins came cackling down the stairs in the new PJs she’d bought for them, which were essentially the brilliant offspring of a jungle animal costume and a flannel footed onesie. Two big jungle hugs were followed by two perfectly chorused, “I-love-you-Sky-lar’s” that were so perfectly angelic she knew they were still under the impression that Santa was watching them until the clock struck midnight before all implied toy contracts were locked up.
A few more minutes of noisy kisses, mostly at Skylar’s insistence, and then the two sleepy-but-still-wired toddlers were bounding back up the stairs for their nightly bedtime story.
Hearing them cheer over tonight’s reading selection, all at once, she was hit with—for the first time in years—a not-quite-happy Christmas memory. A rarity because she tried to block those out entirely and instead focus solely on the happy memories…the ones she wanted to hold onto as her only memories of her childhood holidays, and her mother.
But resist it though she did, the flashbacks came anyway. Spinning past her years volunteering at the center. All the way back to her years as the family member of a patient.
Her mother.
Whose dementia had set in to the point where she didn’t recognize her own daughter or husband anymore.
It was a rough Christmas memory to replay, but Skylar forced herself not to shut it off this time. Today in the car, she’d witnessed Drew do the same thing a half dozen times, so she was emboldened to do the same.
It began as one would expect, with a politely smiling woman, a man bearing a wedding ring matching the one on her finger she was looking at curiously, and a little girl making a point not to call the woman ‘mother’ for fear of causing an episode of confused panic.
She struggled not to turn it off.
But as she watched through the fuzzy scenes like an old film in her mind, she discovered a surprise ending she’d completely forgotten. Somehow, she had managed to block it out when she’d banished this memory to the far corners of her mind as a ‘bad’ holiday memory.
Now as she replayed the short ending again and again, she remembered it for the treasured moment of her childhood it had always been. The moment she’d watched her mother’s crystal blue eyes clear. The wondrous, teary-eyed smile she’d watched transform the polite woman with dementia back into the animated mom Skylar remembered so fondly...
“Skylar. Oh my goodness, look how beautiful you look in that dress. Did Abby sew that one for you? Come give your mother a big Christmas hug.”
These brief lucid periods were few and far between as her mother’s Huntington’s progressed, and wildly varied in terms of what she did and didn’t remember. But as was the case that Christmas, her mom had been a hundred percent there for those brief minutes.
“Have you finished reading Strega Nona yet, sweetie?”
When Skylar nodded, her mother cuddled her closer in the care home bed and advised sagely, “Well then, I think you should start reading my old Amelia Bedelia books. They were my favorite at your age. I think you’ll just love them.”
She had. Every last one.
“I think in one of them, I drew a bunch of pictures in the back. Bring it with you next time so we can draw together…”
The memory never went on for much longer than that, but as always, it was more than enough. It gave Skylar back a few more precious moments with the mother she’d loved so much.
“You okay, Sky-bug?” Her dad’s concerned voice brought her back to the present, which was suddenly profoundly different now, just from that one single memory.
A memory she wouldn’t have been brave enough to recall had it not been for Drew.
Skylar looked up at her dad to try and put into words what was spinning around in her mind. “Drew had a really rough family life growing up. I know my childhood was sad, but at least there was more good than bad. And a ton of memories worth holding onto.” She frowned sadly. “I don’t think that was the case for Drew.”
“I know, sweetie. I’ve heard snippets of it from Jay. It’s a testament to his strength and character that he overcame it all.”
Did he? Overcome it all, that is?
She stared at the big floor-to-ceiling Christmas tree sitting in their living room, decked out with all sorts of beautiful ornaments collected over the years, along with row after row of colored lights. The kind that flashed.
The “good” kind.
Tears washed over her eyes. “Back when mom was sick, I remember that the holidays always, always used to make her feel better. No
matter what. Whether it was here or at the center. Christmas always made everything better.” Her voice broke around the edges, and she felt like a helpless kid wishing for miracles. “I’d give anything if it could somehow make things better for Drew, too.”
“I know you would, honey. But I don’t think it works that way. Not all of us love Christmas the way you do. So I think it has just a little more magic for you than it does for the rest of us.”
Skylar frowned. “What do you mean? You always loved Christmas, just as much as I did.”
“You’re right, I did, absolutely. But some years, with everything your mom was going through…let’s just say it was harder for me to get into that Christmas cheer.” He grinned and ruffled her hair. “That’s probably why you started your Christmas makeover extravaganzas.”
Her what?
At her puzzled look, her dad’s brows shot up in surprise. “You don’t remember? How you basically turned our house and your mom’s room at the center into Santa’s freakin’ wonderland? I think you started when you were seven or eight. And you did it every year up until your mom died.” He chuckled. “It was a running joke with the nurses that you didn’t just deck the halls, you decked the walls, the ceilings, and every blank surface in between.”
Skylar felt her ears burn red at the tips. That did sound like something she would do.
“Your crazy Skylar transformations never failed to bring Christmas to life. Infinitely more magical for all of us each year.” A thoughtful light entered his eyes. “So maybe that’s your answer.” He grinned. “Maybe you just need to give Drew a good ole Christmas makeover too.”
If only it were that simple.
She wished she could just throw some garland and tinsel on it all. Make it so Drew’s favorite Christmas memory wasn’t simultaneously one that he kept buried.
When her eyes landed on the giant trash bag of used Christmas wrappings, she got misty all over again, picturing a younger version of Drew putting all his possessions into a trash bag while preserving those first two Christmas gifts from his brother safe in a backpack.
Suddenly, she felt something akin to guilt, maybe even shame, begin to prick at her as she thought about some special gifts from her past that she was holding onto as well. From her mother.
Gifts she’d never been able to bring herself to open.
That’s when the guilt did start pouring in, as it usually did at Christmas, though she usually tried to cover it up with more happy-happy-joy-joy holiday cheer. Every year, Skylar would think about the gifts her mother had gone out of her way to ensure she’d receive each year—for her birthday and for Christmas—until she turned twenty-one. And while the whole idea of the gifts from beyond the grave had been a little hard for her to process as a middle schooler grieving her mom’s death, eventually, she’d come around and worked in opening the gifts from her mom into her birthday festivities.
But she had yet to open any of the Christmas ones.
And now she understood why.
“Hey Dad?” She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Do you think you can get those Christmas gifts mom left for me out of the attic? I...I want to open them. Will you help me do that?”
Whether it was relief or just plain closure she saw in his smile, she wasn’t sure, but she felt it mirrored in her heart. She was finally going to face the one thing she’d been hiding from all these Christmases.
And she had Drew to thank for that.
CHAPTER TEN
Feeling the quiet darkness around her settle even more as folks started turning in for the night, Skylar checked her watch for the time. Ten p.m. on the dot. While there were still a few folks walking around Cactus Creek, most of the homes in the vicinity were already asleep, and the town square was completely deserted.
Luckily, she had the extravagant Christmas decorations in the gazebo at the center of town to keep her company. Still, it was really quiet. She checked her watch again.
“Hey. Sorry I’m late.”
A glance across the courtyard revealed Drew jogging over from his car, with a look of supreme concern on his face. “I was just finishing up helping the guys with something when you texted. I rushed over but caught every red light on the way here.” He stopped at the bottom of the steps to the gazebo. “Everything okay?”
Skylar immediately felt bad. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you. I should’ve said this wasn’t an emergency. We can meet up tomorrow instead if the guys still need your help.”
“Nah, they’ve got it covered.” He settled on the step one below hers so they could be at eye level. “So how was Christmas with your family?”
She loved that he made the effort to infuse a smile into the word Christmas, just for her.
“It was good, great, actually. The twins had the time of their lives. And as for me…well, I actually had a pretty big revelation.”
“Yeah? Was it a good one?”
“It was an important one. But before I get into that, how was your day?” On her part, she made the effort not to say the C-word, which it appeared Drew took notice of as well.
Eyes crinkling at the corners affectionately, he teased, “You don’t have to do the small talk, or avoid talking about what you did for Christmas. I can see you’re dying to tell me something, so spill.”
Well, if he insisted.
Pulling an envelope out from her bag, she gave herself another silent pep talk before launching into her story. “Earlier tonight, I opened eight amazing Christmas presents…all from my mom. My biological mom.” And just as they had when she’d first opened them, the memory of the gifts tugged hard on her heart, and brought a watery smile to her face. “Basically, she’d pre-arranged it so I’d keep getting gifts from her after she died—for Christmas and my birthday. But…I never opened the Christmas ones. Not until today.”
“Why not?” asked Drew, puzzled.
“No real profound rationale. I was just scared. Scared that dealing with the presents would make all the sad memories of my mom’s illness flood in and drown out all the happy holiday ones I’ve been clinging to all these years.”
“Did it? Flood them out, I mean.”
“Yes and no. I cried a few times while I opened the gifts, but the floods were mostly happy memories that made me remember things about my mom I’d all but forgotten.”
He smiled gently. “I take it they were good gifts.”
“Great ones. I actually felt like kicking myself half the time because I hadn’t opened them when my mom had intended me to.” Gnawing on her lip, she decided to just go for broke and bring them to why she’d texted him in the first place. “I would have been kicking myself the hardest for missing out on her gift for me this year.”
She handed him the envelope to see the gift for himself.
Amused, he held up the stapled pieces of paper. “A contract?”
“Yes. I’m sure Dad could get Uncle Connor to challenge the legality of it but basically, yes, it’s a contract my mom wrote up that stipulates I am to use the set amount of money she set aside for me in a special savings account to take a trip. Anywhere I want to go, so long as it’s big and exciting, and planned entirely by me.”
She beamed. “And mom even included a whole page devoted in detail to all the things my dad can’t do to spoil the plans for said trip.”
Drew burst out laughing. “Ah, I see now why your dad would want to challenge the legality of it.”
“Tell me about it.” Skylar laughed, recalling how it had all played out. “Dad pretty much started having a one-sided argument with my mom, or rather, with the ceiling, wherein he told her all the reasons why an eighteen-year-old shouldn’t be traveling on her own.”
The quiet resulting laughter from the second floor—courtesy of his current wife, Tessa—not far from where he’d been directing his diatribe, didn’t help the situation at all. Though it made it loads funnier for Skylar.
Drew flipped through the contract. “Which is when you showed him page five of th
e contract, I bet.”
“Yep. The addition of a travel partner did calm him down just a tad. Though the clause that he was absolutely not allowed to name himself my travel partner did have him shooting another dirty look up to the ceiling.”
“Of course.”
Skylar grinned. “But the part that made him shoot through the ceiling was when I told him I already had an idea of who I wanted my travel partner to be.”
His patient, amused smile indicated he had no idea where she was going with this.
Taking a deep breath, she whooshed out the answer before she lost her nerve. “You. I told him I wanted it to be you, Drew.”
Drew blinked in surprise, or make that gobsmacked shock, rather. “But what about your best friend? Becky, right?”
Nodding, Skylar replied honestly, “She was the first person I thought about. Becky’s probably who my mom had in mind as well when she planned this gift, but I don’t think she ever imagined the clumsy little girl she knew back then would one day become a Junior Olympics volleyball superstar, traveling all around the world for tournaments and exhibitions in countries most of us would never get to visit in our entire lifetime.”
Meeting his still-disbelieving gaze, she tried to do a better job explaining. “Becky’s been everywhere, not just with the team, but with her family, too. So none of it would be new to her, not like it would be for me. I want to share this with someone who would be seeing it all for the first time like I would be, someone who understands how it would be both so special, and yet so hard as well because they know what it’s like to have lost a person they wished could be there with them.” Her voice softened with emotion. “That’s you, Drew. That’s why I want to go on this trip with you.”
“Skylar—”
“No, wait. Before you call me crazy, just think about it. I can’t think of a better travel partner to experience this with. You and I deserve to see the great things in the world, not just the cruel parts that the universe has been throwing our way to test how much we can withstand.”
