“I’m sorry, baby,” I whispered against her hair, my hands running down her back.
“So stop it, Jesse, just stop doing it,” she finally pleaded, her words coming out between hicuppy sobs. Her body was tense and unmoving, not loving and soft like usual, and I kissed the top of her hair and breathed in her scent, willing her to forgive me.
“I will, I promise I will. Never again, I swear, Laney,” I begged and pleaded. “Just give me another chance, baby.”
I continued to stroke my hands up and down her back, my fingers tangling through her long hair until finally I felt her soften in my grip. I held her against my chest, feeling my T-shirt damp with her tears, and then I held onto her arms but pulled her away from my chest so I could look her in the eyes. It was like a thousand needles stabbing me in the heart, seeing the hurt on her beautiful face.
Her pain was the only thing that made me feel a damn thing anymore.
“I love you, Jesse—”
“I love you too, so much, baby, I—”
“Then stop breaking my heart before you kill me,” she pleaded.
Tears trailed out of the corners of her eyes and blazed tracks down her cheeks and I reached over and wiped them away with my thumbs, stroking down the side of her face. I dropped my gaze from hers, feeling the familiar shame flood through me.
Shame and guilt and anger. They were the feelings that I had lived and breathed for the past six months. They were my air, my sustenance; they were what kept me awake late at night. And I felt them like a mantra in my skull.
Shame.
Guilt.
Anger.
All the love had gone. Doused out by the waves of those three other emotions. There was nothing good left inside of me. Only darkness.
Laney’s hand reached up to touch my cheek, and I looked back at her and she leaned in and kissed me softly, soothing me from the outside in.
“I know you’re hurting, baby, I get that. But you can’t keep doing this and expect us to stay the same. It doesn’t work like that,” she cooed as her kisses moved from my mouth to my cheek. “It can’t work like that.”
One hand gripped her hair, tilting her face up as I jerked her mouth to mine, possessing her as my tongue stroked along hers and she sighed, her body relaxing. Her hands moved over my body, stretching over each hard muscle and tattoo I had. I laid her backwards on the bedroom floor, the new carpet we’d had laid only months ago still soft underneath her as I pushed up her ratty AC/DC T-shirt to reveal her perfect breasts.
Her hands reached down between us but I batted them away, pulling them up above her head and pinning her in place with my body. I tilted my head and kissed along the side of her neck and jaw, feeling her chest rise and fall as she panted underneath me. I shoved one knee between her legs and pushed her thighs apart, settling myself into my favorite fucking place in the world. She stared up at me, a pleading, needy look in her beautiful eyes, and I pressed a hand between us. Finding her panties already soaked, I slid them down her legs and then pressed my hand to her, feeling her arch her back against me, wanting to get closer to me, wanting to feel me inside her. I slid a finger in and she gasped. I leaned over and took the breath from her mouth, kissing her forcefully as I pushed another finger inside, wanting to taste her so bad but needing to be inside her more.
I pressed a third finger inside and she groaned against my mouth, her body clenching around me as my thumb circled her clit and she moaned loudly. My jeans were already undone and I let go of her hands to push them down, freeing myself of the restraint of clothing as I settled between her thighs, my cock nudging her opening where my fingers were working her.
Laney’s back arched as my fingers sped up, and her back arched as she chased her climax. I pulled my hand out of the way and replaced my fingers with my cock, pushing inside of her and forcing her to tumble to the other side as her orgasm gripped her and her body squeezed me. She cried out, her body clinging to me as I pounded into her, chasing my own high.
I sighed as I looked down on her goddamned beautiful body, knowing how fucking lucky I was to have her in the first place—never mind after all the times I’d hurt her with my asshole ways. I leaned over and took her nipple in my mouth, sucked it softly and then harder before biting it just hard enough to feel her arch her back in response. I slid into her over and over as I cupped her other breast, pulling on the nipple until she gasped in pleasure, forgiving me over and over with her little sighs and moans.
She looked at me, her face blotchy and red from all the crying she’d been doing, and I squeezed my eyes closed, hating myself for what I was doing to her. Hating myself so much for everything that had happened.
“Hey, come back to me,” she whispered, her hands stroking up my chest and across my shoulders.
I opened up my eyes as she wrapped her legs around mine and pulled me tighter against her. She draped her arms around my neck before pulling my mouth back to hers as I rocked back and forth into her, slowly, taking my time, showing her how much I fuckin’ loved her with every thrust of my hips.
I felt her start to tighten around me, her mouth opening in a silent O as she dropped her head back and closed her eyes. I sped up, holding her hips almost painfully as she cried out loudly, her body exploding around me for a second time. I plunged into her harder, keeping pace and hitting her deep as her body continued to shudder around me. And then I brought myself home, riding the wave that was Laney until I could barely see straight, never mind fucking breathe.
I lay down next to her, cradling her small body in my arms, pulling her closer and closer until it felt like we were one person, and then I fell back to sleep. Happy that she’d given me this last chance.
Happy that I hadn’t totally fucked things up between us, yet.
But not truly happy, because I didn’t think I could ever truly be happy.
I knew I’d hurt her again.
Knew I’d ruin the last fucking good thing in my life.
And knowing that there was fuck all I could do about it, because not even Laney could end the torment I suffered.
The torture that I deserved.
Chapter Five:
1985
Jesse
I sat at the bar talking to Pops. He was telling us some old war story from back in the day. He clearly didn’t realize that I’d seen the movie Deer Hunter several times, and Pops was definitely no Robert De Niro. Not even way back in the day.
But I played along with him, part of me enjoying the story and part of me worrying that maybe the old guy was slowly beginning to lose his damn mind.
Skinny—one of the drivers for the club—was in that day, waiting to speak to Hardy about the next shipment, and he obviously hadn’t seen the movie either, because he was just as enthralled as Rose. The pair of them were staring, completely engrossed by everything Pops said.
“And then Nicky, aww he was crying like a little bitch, but so was I. In those days, a man weren’t afraid to cry. Ain’t nothing wrong with crying, ya know, Jesse? So the Jap, he slaps my face over and over and he’s screaming at Nicky to put the gun to his head and fire the gun, but of course Nicky’s scared. Russian roulette ain’t no joke! And me, I’m practically pissing in my pants not wanting him to do it either, but we ain’t got no choice. And so I stand up and hit the Jap in the face and then we all scuffle, but in the end it’s all for nothin’.” Pops shook his head and swallowed his whisky. “All for nothin’…” His words trailed off and he went silent, his gaze far away as he thought back to the memory, even though it wasn’t real. It was to him.
“And what happened then, Pops?” Rose asked, eager for the end of the story. She was sitting next to him, leaning on one hand, her eyes wide as she imagined all the things he was telling her, believing every word and eating it up like candy.
Pops came out of his daze and looked at her. “What?” He looked over at me and then back to Rose before sliding a hand up her thigh and under her skirt. “Oh, oh, we killed those Japs good. Shot one right be
tween the eyes and then Nicky and I got the hell outta there,” he laughed.
Rose fluttered her eyelashes as Pops slid his fingers into her panties, and I took that as my cue to leave. I patted him on the back as I stood up, and he grunted something to me. Skinny followed close after, heading to Hardy’s office and looking jealous as hell that Pops and Rose were about to get it on.
I was halfway to my room when the clubhouse door opened and Hardy, Gauge, and Rider all walked in. Rider was a new member to our charter. Though he’d been a Highwayman for as long as I could remember, he’d always been a nomad; but just recently he’d decided to come in and settle with a club.
Trailing behind all three men was Hardy’s latest woman, Silvie, and then Laney. Her shoulders were back and her she was walking tall and proud, her mouth pinched in a way that told me she took no shit from anyone. Not even Gauge.
I stopped walking and tried to act casual about seeing her again, though there was nothing casual about the way I was looking at her, that much was for sure. But Rider saw my stare and patted me on the back as he passed me by.
“Down, boy,” he said, and I’m grateful that Gauge didn’t hear him or I’d have been a dead man.
“Silvie, fix us something to eat, we’ve got visitors coming in later,” Hardy called as he walked to his office without giving me a passing glance. The three men followed him in, shutting the door behind them and closing the blinds to give them some privacy, and Silvie and Laney headed into the kitchen.
I stood there wondering what the hell to do. I hadn’t seen Laney in a long-ass time—not since Hardy’d made a damn fool of me in front of her and she’d practically saved my ass from a beating. I swallowed, looking at the door to the kitchen and wondering if Silvie would let me speak to her or if she’d been ordered not to even let me in.
Silvie was pretty cool—a little older than Hardy normally liked ’em, but she had spirit and she cooked a damn good pie. I kinda hoped that Hardy would make her his old lady at some point, but you never knew with him. One minute he’d be blowing hot and the next not so much. Either way, I liked her. I liked the way she tried to cover for me when I fucked up, and the way she always made sure my clothes were clean and I ate breakfast before going to school. Shit, I even liked the fact that she made sure I went to school. No one other than Butch ever gave a damn before, so it was kinda nice to have a mother figure around, if I was being honest.
A couple of minutes passed and I was still standing in the center of the room with my proverbial dick in my hand, wondering what to do with myself, when Silvie came back out. She glanced at me before quickly looking away.
“Need to go get some more beer and potato salad,” she said before heading to the exit with her keys in her hand.
I nodded at her retreating back and watched as she left, and then I took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen, letting the door swing shut behind me. I looked around for Laney, finding her chopping salad next to the pantry. She looked up as I entered, a small smile playing on her lips. I was practically thrown back to her kneeling on my bed and drawing a smiley face on my poster—a poster that still hung above my bed, not for the topless woman on it but for the connection to Laney that it now held.
“Hey,” she said, quietly. One hand was holding a head of lettuce and the other was using a large kitchen knife to chop it in half. Her hair, as usual, was hanging down her back in long, dark waves. And I couldn’t help but wonder what her hair would feel like trailing down my chest as her lips moved across my stomach and down to my cock.
“Hey,” I replied, going forward, my mouth suddenly dryer than it’d ever been before. “Not seen you in a while, how’ve you been, darlin’?”
She looked up at me and raised an eyebrow, a sexy smirk hanging from her mouth that made me want to reach over and kiss her. “Good, I guess. Gauge is letting me stay with him, finally.” She kept on cutting the lettuce, and I swear to God I’d never seen someone cut lettuce and look so sexy. I wasn’t sure if she was doing it on purpose or if she was just naturally gifted one thing was for sure though; I’d never look at lettuce the same after today.
I leaned back against the kitchen counter, arms crossed over my chest casually. “So, you’re stayin’ with him now, huh?”
She made an agreeing noise without looking up, and her hair fell over one shoulder.
“Guess I’ll be seeing more of you then.”
I swear it was casual when I said it, and it wasn’t obvious that inside I was cheering like I just won a gold fucking medal, but when she looked up at me, her gorgeous brown eyes soaking me in, I knew she must have been a witch because it was obvious that she could read my damn mind and knew exactly what I was thinking.
“If you’re lucky,” she replied, winking at me.
She’d finished chopping the lettuce and she piled it all into a large silver bowl and went to the sink to rinse it out. The water sprayed back against her white T-shirt and I almost came in my pants when she turned around and I could see the outline of her breasts.
She opened the pantry and took out some more food before placing it on the countertop, and then like a scene from some soppy romance movie, she dropped the package of tomatoes and they went rolling in all directions as they hit the floor.
“Crap,” she muttered, getting down on her hands and knees to pick them up.
I automatically did the same, and I started helping her collect them. Some rolled around the counter, and before I knew it that was where we both were—on our hands and knees behind the counter—and she laughed as we both reached for the same tomato and end up squashing it between our hands. Tomato juice was everywhere; oozing down our hands and between our fingers, and we were both laughing when we heard the kitchen door slam open.
“Laney?” Gauge’s rough voice called for her, and she looked at me with worry in her eyes. She placed a finger against my lips and it took everything I had not to suck that finger into my mouth. She stood up, the kitchen counter hiding me from view.
“I’m here,” she said, lifting the squashed tomato up. “Dropped one,” she laughed.
“Fuck me, jailbait,” Skinny called out with a wolf whistle. Red rage almost blinded me as I thought of him looking at her like that, and Laney must have sensed it too because she pushed her leg up against my side, practically tucking me against her, and her smooth skin and the scent of whatever lotion she rubbed down those beautiful legs wafting over me was the only thing the stopped me from standing up and ripping Skinny’s throat out.
“That’s my fuckin’ kid, brother!” Gauge growled.
“I know that. If she weren’t, I’d have her over the counter already!” Skinny laughed back. “But mmmm, you’re going to have to watch your back with this one, Gauge. She’s got trouble written all over that body of hers.”
“Get the fuck outta here before I shoot you in the motherfucking head,” Gauge snapped back, and moments later I hear the door swing open and closed again, the tail end of Skinny’s laughter growing quieter.
“Where’s Silvie?” Gauge asked, his footsteps coming closer.
“I don’t know, she left,” Laney huffed out.
I looked up at Laney, watching as she reached for the knife again and started chopping the remaining tomatoes. Her leg was right by my face, and I swallowed and reached out my hand until it was touching her calf, the skin so smooth that I almost groaned loudly and gave myself away. I saw the small smile on Laney’s face as I slid my hand over her bare skin, though she tried to act like I wasn’t there.
Fuck knows why I was even hiding, it’s not like we were doing anything wrong, at least not before. Now I was thinking the dirtiest thoughts that any man could have and ready to blow my load in my boxers.
“I won’t be home until late tonight, so I’ll get a prospect to drive you home.”
“I can stay here until you’re ready to leave.”
“Fuck that, no kids are allowed!”
“I’m not a kid, fucking kid!” Laney snapped.
“Yeah, you are. And watch your mouth!”
“You’re an asshole!”
Gauge chuckled. “Yeah, an asshole that don’t want no kid still up when I bring some bitch home later. So be a good girl and be in bed.”
“You’re disgusting.”
Gauge was eating something because I couldn’t make out his next words—or maybe I couldn’t hear them because the blood was rushing too loudly in my ears as I stroked my hand higher, reaching to the back of her knee and watching her try her damndest not to grin again.
Another tomato rolled off the counter, almost hitting me on the head before it landed on the floor, and she put down her knife.
“Shit,” she murmured.
“Language,” Gauge replied.
“Fuck off,” she snapped back before casually leaning down to get the tomato. Her eyes met mine and she leaned in with a smile, and then she surprised me by placing a quick kiss on my lips, stealing my breath away before she stood back up.
I thought I was going to pass out from my desire for that woman, and I had to let go of her leg before I really did cum in my pants. The door swung open again and I heard Silvie come back into the kitchen.
“Where’ve you been?” Gauge asked.
“Potato salad,” Silvie said, putting her groceries and keys down on the counter and going around to stand by Laney. She glanced down, her eyes widening when she saw me on my hands and knees by Laney’s legs. “I got more beer—it’s in my car. Can you help me grab it, Gauge?” she asked, heading back around the other side of the counter.
“Sure thing,” he replied, and then the door swung open and closed as they headed out of the kitchen.
Laney looked down at me and I finally stood up, my body invading her space.
“Why’d you want me to hide?” I asked. “I’m not afraid of Gauge.”
She laughed almost bitterly. “Are men always like this?”
“Like what?”
“Full of testosterone and macho bullshit.”
I grinned in reply. “I’m serious. I can handle myself.”
Ride or Die #1: A Devil's Highwaymen MC Novel Page 6
