But then she turned, and I saw her eyes, and I knew that nothing could diminish what lived within her soul. She could only call forth what had lain buried for so long in my own. I had no words, and she seemed content with none. She merely waited. There were questions in her eyes, yet she did not ask. I could hear her questions thunder in the silent air. She trusted me to answer. Trust such as that is a gift beyond flesh, beyond breathing, beyond existence. She offered me that, a kind of immortality, and I so desperately craved it. But I could not take without giving, and to give, I must confess.
I had lowered my head without realizing it, until our lips were nearly touching. I could taste her in the air between us. My very bones ached to feel her in my arms. But if I confessed, she would know. And if she knew, it would change everything.
Sometimes, the price of honesty is loss. I would rather desire without having than hold her for an instant, only to lose her forever upon the next breath.
Hays looked away from the monitor, not needing to read what she had written. There were times when syntax and grammar were superfluous. This had been about her heart. She automatically copied the paragraphs into a blank e-mail and sent it to herself, then deleted the file from the hard drive. She threaded both hands into her hair and cradled her face in her palms, breathing shallowly. Her head ached, her stomach twisted with an urgency that was foreign to her, and beneath it all was rage. Why now?
For the first time in longer than she could remember, she couldn't assuage her longing by writing away her need. Perhaps it was the knowledge that Auden was in the same building, only twenty floors above, which made it so difficult. More likely, it was the belief that even now, Auden was very possibly with another woman. The very beautiful African-American woman, or perhaps Thane. Thane. Yes, I imagine Thane would be hard to resist.
Hays and Thane had never spoken directly about anything intimate, but she didn't need to hear the words to know what would happen. She knew Thane's secrets, just as Thane knew hers, because they had exposed them in the volumes that they wrote. She had seen Thane and Auden together only hours before, and she could imagine them now in their private moments. Private Pleasures —Thane's desires. The images were so clear to Hays, the edges so sharp, that she bled from them.
Unexpectedly, the door to the business center opened, and Hays lifted her head. She had been working in semi-darkness, illumed only by the light of the two computer monitors sitting side by side on the work counter, but the hallway beyond was brightly lit. Auden's figure was clearly outlined.
Hays blinked. The apparition remained.
"Oh God," Auden said. "I'm sorry. I always seem to be walking in on you."
She was wearing navy blue sweatpants, a matching T-shirt with the Four Seasons logo, and white crew socks. She was shoeless. As if knowing that Hays was taking stock of her apparel, Auden raised her hands and looked down at herself sheepishly. "I didn't expect anyone to be in here. It's four o'clock in the morning."
"Actually, the outfit is rather fetching." Hays tried but couldn't hide her grin.
"Fetching." Auden's tone suggested she wasn't amused, but she smiled back. "I notice that you're still wearing your evening clothes. No off-the-rack workout apparel for you."
Hays lifted a shoulder. "I thought I'd save that for the morning. Do you plan to walk around in your socks all day tomorrow?"
"Actually, I intend to walk home tomorrow...today...later." Auden stepped further into the room as her eyes adjusted to the dimness. "It's only fifteen blocks or so."
Suddenly serious, Hays replied, "If you truly intend to go out in this storm, I'll see that a car comes for you."
"I appreciate that, really, but it won't be necessary."
"Auden, it's a blizzard. You can't walk across town when the streets haven't even been plowed. Especially when it's still snowing."
"Then how do you expect a car to get through?"
As they spoke, Auden crossed and sat on the chair in front, of the adjoining computer station. The business center was open twenty-four hours a day for guests who wanted to use the Internet connections and fax machines. She swiveled in the chair to face Hays, curling one leg beneath her opposite thigh and resting an elbow on the desktop.
"I'll manage something," Hays replied quietly. "I don't want you at risk."
Touched, Auden shook her head, smiling faintly. "I'll tell you what. If the streets are clear, I'll go home. If not, I'll wait it out with everyone else."
"Agreed." Hays glanced at the clock on the wall opposite. "It's rather late at night for business, isn't it?"
Auden cocked her head and made a small deprecating sound. I was about to ask you the same thing."
"I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd work. You, too?"
Auden searched Hays's face, aware of the shadows that rarely left it. She looked tired. More than that, she looked weary in a way that went beyond the physical. What is it? What is it that plagues you so? Auden had never wanted to know the answer to a question as much she wanted to know that. Instead, she found herself revealing more than she intended, which often seemed to be the case when Hays was involved, "Actually, I came down here because I wanted to be alone."
Hays stood immediately, steadying herself with a hand on the back of the desk chair. "Then I'll go."
"No," Auden said swiftly, impulsively grasping her hand, "It's not you I want to be away from. There's a mini-party going on in my suite, and I just..."
"Just...what?" Hays asked softly, staring at the fingers curled around her own as she sat again. She closed her fingers around the warmth left behind when Auden drew her hand away.
And once again, Auden answered because she trusted Hays without really knowing why. "I felt slightly out of my depth."
"That's hard for me to imagine. I take it the conversation wasn't about publishing?"
Auden smiled faintly. "It started out that way. Actually, Liz and Thane and I had some interesting discussions about the direction of lesbian fiction, with Gayle plugging all her favorite authors. But I don't think anyone really wanted to talk shop."
"What happened?"
"Nothing, really." Auden looked away for a second and then brought her gaze back to Hays's, finding gentle acceptance in her dark eyes. "So much has happened in so short a time. I'm not exactly as I appear to others, I guess."
"Really?" Hays leaned forward, her elbows on her knees, her chin resting in the palms of her hands as she gazed at Auden. "I think you're bright, capable, energetic, and altogether...fascinating."
Auden's lips parted in a soundless oh. "I...I don't know what to say."
"You don't need to say anything." Hays regarded her steadily. "Why were you uncomfortable upstairs?"
They were facing one another, bathed by the pale glow from the monitors. Auden was completely unaware of the time, or the strange surroundings, or the unexpected turn in the conversation. Hays had a way of taking her beyond the commonplace to some plane where only what transpired between them had meaning. She had never in her life felt at once so ungrounded or so solidly moored. Leaning toward Hays, drawn into the hypnotic depths of her unflinching gaze, Auden answered in a voice barely above a whisper. "Because the atmosphere was intimate, and I didn't feel that way about anyone."
"Aren't you here with your lover?"
The silence that stretched between them seemed infinite. Auden swallowed and shook her head. "I don't have a lover."
Hays lifted her hand, then slowly traced a finger along the edge of Auden's jaw. "You should have."
Auden trembled, heat instantly suffusing her body. Hays's fingers rested lightly on her chin. All that remained to her was truth. "I think... I'd like to start with something simpler."
"Oh?" Hays's voice was deep; she was vibrating with tension. Leaning forward further still, she slipped her palm down to Auden's neck, her fingers moving into her hair. "Like what?"
"A kiss."
Auden waited, not thinking. Unable to put words to her feelings beyond what she had confessed, n
ot knowing why it seemed right to bare her uncertainties to a woman who had done nothing beyond look at her with the closest thing to raw desire she had ever seen, Auden waited.
Hays watched the emotions swirl in Auden's eyes—vulnerability, strength, trust, longing. Her throat was so tight she couldn't breathe. Auden.
I would rather desire without having than hold her for an instant, only to lose her forever upon the next breath.
Hays's own words pealed a silent warning. Perhaps it was the lateness of the hour, or the memory of Thane's grin in the hallway outside Auden's room, or the ache of desire she had felt just minutes before, but Hays drew Audeh closer with gentle pressure against the back of her neck.
Against Auden's mouth she whispered, "A kiss can be everything."
And when Auden felt the first brush of Hays's lips, she understood. Every particle of her being coalesced into the singular space where their mouths met, and then she was aware of nothing beyond the silken warmth of the lips moving slowly over hers. The first touch was tender, but not tentative. They came together, flesh on flesh, with a righmess that defied logic, joined by a kiss that was as familiar as a beloved song and as captivating as a new sunrise.
Distantly, Auden was aware of Hays's fingertips resting feather-light against the angles of her jaw, tilting her face as Hays gently ran a questing tongue along the inner surface of her lips. Auden leaned into the kiss, resting both palms on the center of Hays's thighs, needing both the support and the contact. The muscles beneath her hands were as tight as steel wires singing in a high wind. She could feel Hays's heart beat inside her mouth, and the far reaches of her being turned to liquid heat.
Without realizing it, Auden dug her fingers into Hays's legs. It was difficult to breathe around the sudden tension that coiled deep in her chest. A pain, like hunger, but far more critical than any physical need, surged through her, The magnitude of her wanting made her kiss even gentler, care warring with the terrible urgency.
When Hays moaned, a broken sound, Auden slid her hands higher up Hays's thighs until her fingers rested close to Hays's hips, which strained beneath her touch. Auden reveled in the unbidden response.
Hays slid her tongue into Auden's mouth, thirsting for her but fearing that with the first taste, as with the first drop of water in the desert, she might drown from the pleasure. When Auden's tongue welcomed hers with a long slow caress, need hammered through her blood and settled like a fist between her thighs. It had been so long, she had lost the ability to control what she had thought not to experience again. She stiffened, wrestling with the onslaught of sensation that rocketed rapidly toward a peak she dared not crest.
"Auden," Hays gasped, torn between seeking escape and begging for her touch. She moved her mouth a fraction away, instantly aching at the loss.
Breathing unevenly, Auden rested her forehead against Hays's. "There are...so many reasons..why this is a bad idea."
"You can't...possibly imagine...them all," Hays groaned, her eyes closing tightly as she fought back the warning spasms that assaulted her with relentless insistence.
"We should...stop," Auden murmured as every nerve in her body screamed for more. She had never felt anything to equal what this one kiss had done to her. Just the absence of Hays's lips against hers was unbearable. She wanted to feel Hays's mouth, her hands, the hot demands of her flesh—everywhere. She wanted with a ferocity that she had never imagined. "Oh God."
"Auden," Hays moaned again, drawing back further still, her fingertips brushing along Auden's face until they broke contact.
Frantically, Auden searched Hays's face, fearful that she would find anger or regret. "I don't...I'm sorr—"
"No," Hays whispered fiercely. "Don't. Let it be as simple and as perfect as it was."
Auden held Hays's eyes and saw the plea in their smoky depths. Finally, she allowed herself to do what she had wanted to do almost every time she had seen Hays since the moment they had met. She placed her palm against Hays's cheek, her fingers gently trailing through the dark hair that fluttered down onto her forehead. Hays closed her eyes, her expression a mixture of intense pleasure and exquisite pain. Auden felt an answering stab of desperate desire pierce her own heart. "Yes. I will."
Then, Auden got to her feet on legs that shook badly and moved around Hays's chair, leaving her still leaning forward, and made her way carefully to the door. There, she turned and looked back. Hays sat with her head slightly bowed and did not turn around. "Good night, Hays."
So softly that Auden almost didn't hear, Hays replied, "Good night, sweet Auden,"
Hays couldn't hear Auden disappear down the corridor outside the suddenly still room, but she didn't need to. The air around her emptied of life and grew cool against her skin. When she stood, a wave of dizziness rolled over her, and she was forced to sit again. Grimly, she leaned her head back, but not before she felt the first telltale trickle against her lips. She drew a handkerchief from her trouser pocket and pressed it to the corner of her mouth, watching through half-closed eyes as she caught the bright red drops against the pure white linen. Blood on the snow. Oh, Auden. What have 1 done?
Chapter Twelve
A uden let herself quietly into the suite, intent on reaching her room without awakening Gayle. All she wanted was to close her eyes. Perhaps then the swirling storm of emotions that rendered her unable to think clearly or to make much sense of everything that was happening in her body would quiet. Maybe then she could consider the ramifications of what she had just done.
It wasn't me. I never would have asked... She remembered the look in Hays's eyes. The tenderness. The wanting. The unguarded need. Oh God. Yes, I asked her for that kiss. I would ask again, ask for more, ask for everything. How could I not have known, all this time, what I was waiting to see in someone's eyes? How could I not have kno —
"Aud?" Gayle sat up on the sofa, blinking in the subdued light from the solitary lamp on the opposite side of the room. "Hell, I fell asleep."
"I thought sure you'd already be in bed," Auden said awkwardly, standing in the middle of the room, confused and uncertain. "Is everyone gone?"
"Uh-huh." Gayle shrugged sheepishly. "I think I might have just made one of the dumbest moves of my life."
Auden had the sense that Gayle wanted to talk, and maybe she did, too. She wasn't quite sure. In fact, she wasn't sure of anything. But she had a feeling that she wasn't going to get to sleep very quickly, and she suddenly very much did not want to be alone. It was comfortable to curl up on the sofa next to Gayle, her feet tucked under her and one arm stretched out along the top. She rested her cheek against her arm and studied her friend. "What happened?"
Gayle shifted into a similar position with her fingers nearly touching Auden's. She sighed. "I turned down an invitation to go to bed with Liz."
Liz. I thought it would have been Thane. The way Thane looked at you. It was almost the way Hays.. .Auden's stomach clenched, and she realized her thoughts were wandering down a very dangerous path. "How come you said no?"
"I wish I knew." Gayle's tone was thoughtful and at the same time surprised. "It wasn't exactly an explicit invitation, but I could tell that she was interested. I basically sent her on her way with a peck on the cheek."
"Where was Thane?"
Something flickered in Gayle's face that Auden could not decipher. For a second, Gayle looked a little lost. It was an expression that was rare for her confident friend.
"She left right after you did. I guess she's set her sights on you."
"Me?" Auden laughed mirthlessly. "God, I hope not." ;
"Why not?" Gayle asked swiftly. "She's gorgeous. And she's incredibly talented. And funny."
"I know all that. But I have a business relationship with her." She thought of Thane, but all she could feel was Hays.
"Well, it's not as if you couldn't pass her work off to someone else to edit. The contracts are all sewed up, right?" Gayle picked distractedly at the fabric of the sofa, her expression distant. "You said you wer
e feeling attracted to women, and she's...hot, Aud."
"She's very attractive, I agree." Auden fell silent and wondered why finding Thane attractive didn't translate into attraction. The four of them had spent three hours talking together after the party downstairs broke up, and Thane had been everything Gayle had said, and more. But Auden hadn't been drawn to her, hadn't felt a connection, hadn't been pulled into her eyes the way...
"But?"
Auden gave a start, then blushed. "But it's just not a good idea."
"Well, I hope you don't have anything against just socializing with her." Gayle sounded subdued and, uncharacteristically, she wouldn't meet Auden's gaze. "Because I kind of agreed to, um...oh, hell..."
"Gayle!" Auden's tone was threatening, "What did you do?"
"I just said that you and I would meet the two of them at the 2-4 Club next weekend for drinks, and..,well, you know..." When she saw
Auden's expression, she rushed on. "Well, it's not exactly a date or anything."
Auden was stunned. She stared at Gayle as if she were speaking another language. Finally, she managed to croak, "You didn't. Tell me you didn't."
Gayle looked slightly panicked. "I did."
"I can't believe it. I cannot believe you would do that without asking me. I can't go out with Thane Cutlass."
"It's not a date. It's just a friendly get-together."
"Gayle, the sexual tension was so thick up here it was hard to breathe. I had to leave, for God's sake."
"That's why you left?" Gayle gaped at her, then just as quickly looked concerned. "Did Thane say something to you? Did she make you uncomfortable?"
Auden shook her head. "No. Nothing like that. It's just that.it was as if, well, as if everyone was testing, trying to figure out if there was the possibility of something happening. ..I mean, after all, we're all single..." She hesitated, not sure of exactly what she meant to say. We're all lesbians? Is that what I was going to say? I know that's what Liz and Thane thought.
Radclyffe - Love's Masquerade Page 11
