“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Look at me.”
“What?”
“Look at me, Felicity. You haven’t looked me in the face since they brought you into the room.”
She sucked in a deep breath and slowly turned her head the necessary fraction to meet my eyes, but only barely. We held one another’s gaze for a long moment before I finally broke the thick silence.
“Would you like to tell me what’s wrong? Besides the obvious I mean.”
“Aye, what are you talking about then?”
“Felicity, something’s going on here that I’m not being told. Jackie informed me last night that you don’t want her discussing your case with me. Then, after she moved the world to get me in here to see you today, we’re making small talk about nothing, and I can hardly even get you to look at me. What’s going on? Why are you shutting me out?”
“I’m not.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Give me a break, honey. Yes, you are. Hell, a blind, deaf mute can tell what’s going on here. What I want to know is why?”
“Aye, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Well, guess what? I do.”
“Well I don’t. Not now.”
“Dammit, Felicity!” I barked the reply as I pushed back from the table and stood. “There isn’t time for this. If I’m going to help you, I have to know what’s going on from all sides. Cutting me off like this isn’t going to get either of us anywhere. Least of all you.”
She didn’t even flinch at my minor outburst. Her face remained stoic and eyes focused on where I had been sitting. She didn’t even bring her gaze up to meet mine.
“Maybe there isn’t anywhere for me to get to.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Maybe I’m already there.”
“Felicity, I definitely don’t like the sound of this,” I said, a mix of confusion and anger in my voice. “What are you trying to say?”
She dropped her head forward and stared down at her wrists as she continued to gently rub them. Silence filled the short void between us, and I continued to watch as her shoulders seemed to droop even more than they had only moments ago.
Finally, without looking up, she said, “I spoke with Jackie about this last night. I was going to wait a bit, but since you’re asking now…anyway…I’m…I’m thinking it might be a good idea for you to file for divorce.”
CHAPTER 16:
If ever there was a sentence that could qualify as a sucker punch, there it was, and the fact that Felicity had just delivered it stunned me speechless. The force behind the meaning of the word landed square in my gut, and then just for good measure it backhanded me across the face. Of anything my wife could have said to me, that was absolutely the last thing I ever imagined. In fact, I hadn’t imagined it at all, that’s how far off the chart it truly was.
I honestly didn’t know whether the air had just evacuated from my lungs of its own accord or if I had simply forgotten to breathe. What I did know was that my ears were ringing, and the wearisome headache was ramping up a little more with each and every heartbeat.
The cold hollowness that was drilling into the pit of my stomach started to extend its fingers outward through my body, and I felt like I wanted to vomit. All I could do was stare back at her with what I am sure was a mix of incredulity and utter shock on my face. The mask of confused emotions was entirely lost on her though because she was still staring at the table, not me.
I swallowed hard and forced myself to wheeze in a deep breath as stars started to dance in front of my eyes. My brain ran up and down the scale of emotions, randomly choosing one, trying it on for size, and then discarding it for another. Happiness wasn’t one that ever made it into that mix. Finally, after the fifth or sixth emotional costume change, I found myself fitting comfortably into anger and I remained there.
“File for…” I blurted, unable to complete the sentence for fear of actually manifesting the act if I dared speak the word aloud. “What the hell are you talking about?! Have you lost your mind?!”
Felicity had yet to raise her eyes from the table, and even that jibe didn’t force her to do so.
She muttered quietly, “You could probably use that when you file.”
“Use it my ass!” I snapped. “And, I’m not going to file for a goddammed…you know…one of those things.”
“Divorce.”
“Don’t say it!”
“Calm down, Rowan. It’s just a word.”
“Maybe so, but words and magick go hand in hand, especially with you…either way, I’m not going there.”
“But…”
I cut her off. “But nothing. Who told you to do this anyway? Have you been talking to your father or something?”
“No.”
“Was it Jackie? Because if it was, she’s fired. I’ll get you a different attorney.”
“No,” she returned, shaking her head but still not looking up. “No one told me to do this. It’s my idea.”
“Your idea?”
“Aye.”
“Your idea. No outside influence. Just poof, you want a divorce.”
“I already said yes.”
“So, are you trying to tell me you really and truly want one of those?”
She paused then nodded her head slightly.
“No,” I admonished. “You need to say it.”
“Yes.” There was no mistaking the marked hesitation that came before she choked out the word.
“Yeah, right. You’ll excuse me if I don’t believe you.”
“Well, I do.”
“Okay, if you want it so bad then why don’t you file for it yourself?”
“I’m a little busy in case you haven’t noticed.”
“Trust me, I’ve noticed,” I quipped. “So you came up with this idea all by yourself?”
“Aye. I’ve already told you that.”
“Okay. How about you fill me in on the particulars, like, oh, I don’t know, why?”
“It’s the right thing to do.”
“The right thing to do? Honey, this isn’t like leaving a note on someone’s windshield after you accidentally ding their car door on the supermarket parking lot.”
“Do you really think I don’t know that?”
“If you do, then get serious and tell me why? Have you suddenly stopped loving me?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Well, it has to be something. As far as I can recall, I’m not abusive…or a deadbeat…I’m not unfaithful, and I’m certain you know that. You’ll tell me when I start getting warm, right?”
She expelled a frustrated breath and shot back, “Look, I just want a divorce. That’s all.”
I know for a fact I visibly cringed at the word. The pain in my over-tightened muscles broadcast it loud and clear.
“Not good enough,” I replied. “You’re going to have to tell me the real why.”
“I just did.”
“Guess again, sweetheart. It’s not going to fly. Give me one good reason for you suddenly wanting this. Did you find someone else?”
“NO! Of course not.”
Felicity was a Taurus, through and through, and she manifested the stereotypical characteristics of the star sign often. However, out of all those idiosyncrasies, the aptly attributed bull-headedness was her most omnipresent. She had out-stubborned me on more than one occasion, and I truly feared she would do everything in her power to accomplish that now.
However, as pragmatic and obstinate as she could be, I wasn’t going to allow her to win. I had emotion on my side, and I was going to appeal to it in every sense, no matter what. I knew this wasn’t something she truly desired; I just had to get her to admit it.
“Then give me a reason.”
“I don’t have to.”
“Yes, you do.”
“Rowan…”
“Felicity…”
“Don’t push me on this, then
. Just take my word for it.”
“Not happening.”
“I’m not going to talk about it.”
“Yes, you are.”
“Damn your eyes, Rowan Gant!”
“Don’t damn something you don’t even have the guts to look at,” I returned harshly.
“Don’t do this, Rowan.”
“After what you just asked me to do? Don’t ask me for favors. You don’t deserve any.”
I hated playing the bad guy. I hated pulling her strings by offering up such a callous remark. And, I hated the cruelty of what I might be forced to say if she didn’t give in soon. But, more than any of those things, I hated that she had put me in this position as she was trying to stonewall her way through it. So, I gave in and played the wild card. I would push her as hard as my churning stomach would let me and hope that it would be enough.
Fortunately, her own emotional resistance was down to nil, just like mine, and that last verbal shove was all it took.
“Damnu ort! It’s for you!” she suddenly shrieked, finally looking up as she slammed the heels of her fists hard enough against the table to make it shudder. “All right? It’s for you!”
I had only a brief moment to catch the anguish on my wife’s face. Almost immediately following the loud report of her hands against the pressboard, I heard the dull metallic clunk of a deadbolt being thrown. Less than a second later the door swung open. Embarrassment added itself to Felicity’s pained features and she turned away.
I twisted my own head toward the new sound just as the corrections officer who had been watching us filled the opening. She was alert, eyes fixed on my wife, with one hand riding on a holstered container of pepper spray at her hip.
“I think we might need to cut this visit short,” she announced.
“No. Everything’s fine,” I told her.
“It didn’t look fine to me.”
“Really, it is,” I replied. “Just a little emotional is all.”
“That’s exactly the problem, sir.”
“Look, it’s no big deal. And, I really need to finish talking to my wife.”
She’d glanced over to me a few times, but still kept a close watch on Felicity. “How about it, O’Brien? Are we going to have any problems?”
Felicity gave her head a shake without looking toward her.
“Words, O’Brien,” the officer pressed. “I need to hear you say it.”
“No,” Felicity muttered just loud enough to be heard. “No problems.”
The corrections officer waited a moment then glanced toward me. “Okay, time’s almost up anyway.”
“Fifteen minutes, okay?” I asked.
“Five,” she replied.
“Ten?” I bargained.
“Five,” she repeated.
“Then go away,” I remarked as calmly as I could, which wasn’t very. “You’re using up my time.”
She didn’t perpetuate the argument. She simply swung the door shut and threw the lock.
I knew I wasn’t endearing myself to the establishment, but that was a sacrifice I was going to have to live with because if it meant saving my wife, it was more than worth it.
I turned back to Felicity and discovered that she’d again focused her stare on the surface of the table.
“Honey, look at me,” I urged.
It seemed that her stubbornness had fled for the time being, and she slowly lifted her gaze back up to mine. I studied her face quietly and felt my heart rend at the very sight. What I hadn’t noticed in that split second before the corrections officer interrupted was that her cheeks were wet and her already bloodshot eyes were starting to swell even more. As was her way, the reason she had been keeping her face hidden was that she’d been silently crying this entire time. I should have known, and I mutely cursed myself for not realizing it sooner.
I gave her a moment to gather herself then lowered my frame back into the chair and stared across the table at her. She was still avoiding direct eye contact, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me.
“For me?” I finally said. “You know, that’s funny, because I don’t recall having a divorce on my wish list.”
“Don’t be glib, Rowan,” she sniffed. “This is serious.”
“Oh, trust me, I know that.”
“Then don’t make jokes.”
“Aren’t you the one who just said a few minutes ago that if you didn’t joke about it you’d cry?”
“Aye, and it mustn’t work, because crying is obviously what I’ve been doing then, isn’t it?” she chided.
“Yes, it is. I’m just trying not to join you.”
“Come on in,” she offered. “The more the merrier.”
“Who’s making jokes now?”
She simply shrugged in reply.
“Uh-huh, well, I think I’ll pass. It’s not really my kind of merry. So, you’ve been sitting here trying to convince me you want a divorce, which we both know is a lie. And now you’re telling me that it’s a gift for me. Well, here’s a news flash. I’m returning it because I don’t want it.”
“Rowan…this is serious.”
“No kidding…Look, honey…I don’t know where this is coming from, but it needs to stop. I feel like all I’ve done since yesterday morning is argue with everyone in my path. With some of them, it’s been for good reason, and others…Well, as much as I hate to admit it, it’s just been because I’m mad at the world right now.
“All I can tell you is that you are the one person I don’t want to argue with…especially not now…so, the truth is if I don’t treat this like a joke and laugh at it, my brain is going to seize up because I’m all out of tears right now.”
“But, Rowan…”
“But what?”
“A divorce would be in your best interest, then.”
My headache was still gaining ground. I took off my glasses and laid them aside while I took a moment to rub my eyes. After slipping the spectacles back onto my face, I folded my hands in front of me and regarded her quietly.
After what seemed a long pause, I said, “Okay, I’m afraid you’re going to have to explain that one.”
“Do you really want to visit me in prison?” she appealed.
“No. But that’s a moot point because you aren’t going to prison.”
“Be realistic.”
“I am.”
“Rowan…think about it…look at the evidence they have.”
“I haven’t exactly been privy to much,” I told her. “Especially since your lawyer won’t talk to me about it.”
“Sorry,” she apologized. “I’ll tell Jackie to get you back into the loop then.”
“That would be appreciated.”
“Well, either way, certainly by now you know about the DNA evidence they have. Right?”
I nodded. “Yeah, it was mentioned.”
“Well, the way I understand it, that’s pretty bad.”
“I never said it wasn’t.”
“So, think about it. I must have done it. I must have killed them.”
I shook my head at her. “You see, now I know I didn’t just hear you say you killed those men.”
“I don’t know! I just don’t know,” she snipped, finally looking me in the eyes. Then, as she lowered her face once again, her voice became choked and almost whimpering. “I can’t remember…I can’t…”
Fear suddenly thrust icy fingers into my chest and took hold of my heart for a pair of beats.
“Felicity… Gods… Please tell me you didn’t confess to these murders.”
“No, I didn’t,” she whispered.
“Then just what did you tell the police?”
“Nothing really. Jackie has been handling it.”
“Good.” I let out a relieved sigh. “Let her. That’s what she’s getting paid for.”
“But, what if…”
“We’ve discussed this, Felicity. There is no what if.”
“I know we’ve talked about it, but listen to me, Rowan. What if you’re wron
g?”
“I’m not.”
“But…”
“Listen to me. You did not kill anyone.”
“How can you be so sure, especially when I’m not?”
“I just am.”
“Rowan…”
“Honey, just think about it. If you had done it, don’t you think someone on the other side would be slapping me in the back of the head about now?”
“Aye, maybe they are and you’re ignoring them,” she replied, still sniffling. “You’ve got a headache. I can tell.”
“It’s not that kind of headache.”
“Liar.”
“You know, you’re going to give me a complex. That’s the second time you’ve called me a liar in the past half hour.”
“Only because it’s the second time you’ve lied to me in that same half hour.”
“Must be losing my touch. You usually don’t catch me.”
“No, I almost always catch you. I just usually don’t say anything.”
“Yeah, well, maybe so, but that still doesn’t change the fact that you’re innocent.”
“Aye, I wish I could be as certain of that as you are.”
“Well, I’m going to have to ask you to work on that because I need you to believe it as well.”
“I’ll try.”
“So…after all that, do you still want a divorce?”
“No. I didn’t really want one to begin with.”
“Didn’t think so.”
“But you might.”
I gave my head a frustrated shake. “I thought we’d…”
“Just hear me out for a second,” she interrupted.
“Fine,” I surrendered. “But please let’s not start this argument up all over again.”
“It’s about the evidence.”
“Okay, what about it?”
“What evidence have you heard about?”
“So far, just the DNA and the hair. They took some of your clothes from the house. They also grabbed some books from my office, but those were mine…and the library’s, so they don’t count. Other than that, not much, really.”
She sighed and glanced away then looked back to me with a renewed nervousness.
“I love you, Rowan Linden Gant,” she abruptly announced.
“Right back at ya’, Felicity Caitlin O’Brien,” I answered. “But somehow I don’t think that qualifies as evidence.”
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