by Jill Shalvis
“No.” She backed away from him, holding her hands out to ward him off, because one more touch would have her crumpling, and she had to be strong. “You’re not giving it up for me.” She walked out of the foyer, and he followed her into the living room. “My father gave it to you,” she said, turning around in the large room. “He wanted you to have it.”
“I can’t keep it.” He watched her pace. “You’re hurting and I want to make it better.”
Caitlin knew there was only one way for Joe to make it better, and that was for him to love her back as hopelessly as she loved him. While she suspected he might feel that way, she was afraid that he was so used to being able to rely on only himself, he’d never be able to tell her. “You can’t do this. He loved you, Joe.”
“Yes. And I...loved him,” he said softly, the words grainy and rusty, as if he’d never said them out loud before. He looked open, and more vulnerable than she thought possible.
He could love, she thought with a rush of joy and hope. And knowing that, she knew anything, anything at all, was possible.
“I loved him,” he repeated. “God, I did.”
Through a haze of tears, Caitlin reached out and hugged him. “I know you did,” she said brokenly. “I know.”
He clung close and so did she, their bodies warm and snug and comforting. It started out that way at least, but as the seconds ticked on, and as Caitlin thrilled to be needed by him, the embrace turned decidedly sexual. The smooth, sleek skin of his back drew her fingers, and her hips instinctively melded with his.
“Caitlin.”
His low voice turned her on, too. Everything about him turned her on. He was unpolished. Physical. Sharply intelligent. Fascinating.
And fiercely aroused.
He looked at her, and it was far more than the heat and hunger that drew her. Whether he knew it or not, he did need her, needed her strength and affections. Her love.
She wanted to give it.
She slipped her arms around his neck at the same time that he caught her up against him. His body was strong and hard and grieving. The combination was irresistible.
“Again,” she whispered, kissing his jaw, his ear, whatever she could reach. “I want you again.”
“No, it’ll hurt you,” he protested softly. “You’ll get sore.”
“Don’t make me seduce you,” she said, and he laughed, turning his face so that their mouths met, only it wasn’t the gentle kiss she’d been expecting. Instead, it was deep and wet and long and had them both straining for more.
“Please, Joe,” she whispered. “You’ll never hurt me.”
He moaned, his forehead against hers. “I can’t resist you, not for anything.” He dragged her down to the thick carpet, then took her face in his hands and kissed her again, a carnal mating of their tongues, a mimic of what he really wanted to do to her. He touched her first with his hot gaze, then opened the shirt covering her, spreading it wide.
Slowly, he lowered his body to hers, grace and power blending into one. He took her to new heights by just touching her with his magic fingers. He tore off his sweats so they were skin to skin. He was sensual and uninhibited, and he encouraged the same from her, caressing and kissing every inch of her until she was panting his name.
When he slid down between her thighs, replacing his fingers with his lips, she arched up and begged. It wasn’t necessary; his open mouth unerringly found her. One stroke from his nimble tongue and she exploded. Instantly. Without control.
Chest heaving, body slick with perspiration, hair sticking to her face, she looked up at the ceiling and blinked in stunned surprise. Her body rippled with aftershocks. “Wow.”
“Again,” he demanded, cupping her, stroking her back into a frenzy, back to the point of no return, until bright lights blinded her, until her body went taut as a bow, then shuddered again and again.
“Wow,” she repeated when she could finally manage as she lay limp and replete on the floor.
Joseph’s skin was also slick when he levered himself above her and bridged her body with his arms. “Such a profound statement.”
She ran her hands through his hair. “Then how about more?”
“Caitlin—”
“Don’t make me beg again.”
He entered her, then, watching her flushed face carefully. She sighed with pleasure. He pushed deeper. Her breath quickened and so did his, and eyes locked with hers, he pushed deeper still. When he was fully seated within her, they both moaned.
He pressed his forehead against hers. “Tell me you’re okay.”
“I’m...so much more than okay.”
He began to move and she raised her hips to meet his hungry thrusts. Though each one threatened to toss him over the edge, he held back, waiting for her.
When she climaxed, she dug her fingers into his skin and cried out his name, shuddering long and hard. It was more than he could take. Burying his face in her neck, he allowed himself to follow her into oblivion.
“OKAY, YOU CAN SEDUCE ME,” he gasped, and she laughed.
They stared at each other, and their smiles faded slowly.
“Please, let me do this for you,” he whispered. They were lying entwined on the soft carpeting, looking at the high ceiling, listening to the rain pound the roof. “Please let me give you this place.”
“You know, I think I’ve figured something out.” She sat up and slipped his shirt back on with a smile. She loved wearing his clothes. “I don’t think my father meant to forget me. He just wanted to show me something.”
Guilt stabbed at him, and he wished with all his might Edmund hadn’t asked for his silence. She looked so beautiful sitting there covered only by his shirt, still flowing from their lovemaking.
Beautiful and brave.
But all he could think about was the secret he was keeping from her. The secret his mentor—her father—had asked him to keep.
She was right. Edmund hadn’t forgotten her; he’d tried to protect her, the only way he knew. Through Joe.
And Joe had let them both down.
His heart hurt just looking at her. That unwanted panic surged again when he realized what was happening to him. That despite his promises to himself, he just kept falling for her deeper and deeper.
He loved her.
“I think my father just wanted me to learn to support myself, you know? I always resented him saying that, and because of that resentment, I never bothered to learn when he was alive. But he was right. I can see how selfishly I’d been living. This has helped me grow up, and at twenty-four, it’s about time.”
He stared at her. “How can you be so generous? So understanding?”
“It’s just facts.” She reached out and hugged him. His heart broke.
Sorry, Edmund, he pleaded silently. Forgive me, but I have to do this.
He had to tell the truth. “Caitlin.” His voice was hoarse, and for the life of him he could’t force himself to return her sweet smile. “I have to show you something.”
He drew her to her feet, using the excuse to hold her close one more time, for he held no illusions.
This would be the last time.
“It’s upstairs,” he said. “Will you come with me?”
“Anywhere,” she said simply, and his chest tightened all the more.
In his room, he went to his jeans, which were still lying on the floor. Slipping them on, he pulled out Edmund’s letter from the pocket.
Caitlin recognized her father’s writing. “What’s this?” she asked, looking at him.
“Read it.”
“Oh, my God,” she breathed, sinking onto the bed as she did just that. “He ran out of money.... He asked you to take care of me.” She closed her eyes on the mortification. “And I thought I was doing it on my own.” She let out a choked laugh. “Not only did he make you give me a job—he had such a low opinion of me that he thought you would have to help teach me to support myself!”
“No, no Caitlin, it’s not like that—”
> She leaped off the bed, and though he thought he’d been prepared for her to walk out of his life, he’d been wrong.
He couldn’t let her go.
He caught her at the door, barely. “Wait. Caitlin—”
“No.” She ripped free, his shirt flying up above her luscious thighs. Her wild hair swung in a curtain when she whipped around to face him. “You knew all along his money was gone. You called me princess, you made fun of me, and you knew!”
“No, no, I didn’t. I saw the note for the first time yesterday. I know how this all sounds to you, but you’ve got to listen.” He grabbed her shoulders and jerked her close, as if he could shake the belief right back into her. “Before you came into my life, all I thought about was work. I ate, slept and drank work.”
“You still do,” she said bitterly, shrugging him off and backing to the door. “What a fool I’ve been. I thought you were starting to come around, starting to care for me.”
“I was. Am!”
“Right.”
“Caitlin,” he said in a grating voice, coming after her, letting pride go because he had no choice. No choice at all. “You have no idea how difficult this is for me to say, but it’s the truth. I care for you. More than I ever have for anyone.”
“I don’t think so. I think this is guilt. It’s just you fulfilling a stupid promise you made to my father.” Her lovely eyes filled. “And because he meant so much to you, you’ll do anything to see the vow through.”
“He did mean a lot to me. But you’ve got the promise thing all wrong—”
He was talking to air.
When he caught her on the stairs, she spun on him. “Did you guys get a good laugh at my expense?” Her eyes were stark with pain. “Tim and Andy. And Vince. Was it all a joke? Their help? Their friendship?”
“No. No, Caitlin. God. They worship you. You’ve got to know that.”
“I know nothing anymore,” she said sadly, backing from him. “Except that apparently I’ve been such a burden to you that you couldn’t even explain the truth to me.”
“You read the letter. He asked me not to tell you. Whether it was pride or love—”
She let out a hard laugh. “Don’t fool yourself. He loved you, Joe.”
She made it to the bottom of the stairs before he caught up with her and hauled her back against him. “It was far more than just a promise,” he grated into her ear as she struggled valiantly against him. “And you’re not going anywhere. Not even if you did manage to put some pants on.”
“Yes, I am.”
“You don’t have a car.”
“I’m a pro at public transportation, believe me.”
“Forget it.” He entertained some half-baked idea about holding her down on his bed and proving to her in the only way he knew how to show her how much he cared.
“In your mind, you owed him,” she panted as she wiggled and shimmied to free herself, grunting when he simply slung her over his shoulder.
“It started out that way, yes. Damn, you’re heavy. Ouch—” He snarled through his teeth when she bit him on the shoulder, hard. “But I did start to care about you. Hell! I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” He carried her up the steps, back into his room.
Tossing her to the bed, he watched her eyes darken with anger when she bounced.
“You only thought about me so much because of all the trouble I caused,” she accused, furious. Hurt.
When he knelt next to her, she crawled away.
“Don’t touch me.” She ran around the side of the bed, jerked her skirt off the floor and slid it over her legs. “Don’t ever touch me again.”
“Dammit, Caitlin.”
“No, I mean it,” she said when he came after her. “Don’t touch me now—I won’t be able to resist you if you do.” Biting her lip, she looked wildly around, then shoved her bare, petite feet into his large tennis shoes. Her anger faded at the look on his face. “This isn’t all your fault,” she allowed. “It’s mostly mine, actually. I’m an idiot to have fallen for you.”
“I fell for you, too,” he said quietly.
She straightened and tugged down the hem of his shirt with touching dignity despite the fact that only a fraction of an inch of her skirt stuck out the bottom, and she looked like a little girl playing dress-up. “It came far too late, Joe.”
Now he knew real, gut-wrenching fear. The kind he hadn’t felt since he’d been a kid with nowhere to go and nothing to eat. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that I have to go.”
He reached for her again, but she backed away. Nothing had ever hurt as much as that. “Don’t do that,” he beseeched her, fighting nasty by going in low and snagging her to him. “Don’t back away from me—I can’t take it.”
“I feel like you betrayed me, Joe. I can’t forget that.”
“And I can’t let you go,” he said softly, gentling his hold. With minute care, he cupped her neck and drew her forward so that his mouth could find hers, quietly, slowly, then deeper, until he felt his insides start to crack apart at the emotional pressure built up there. His hands framed her face, then slid down her neck, over her shoulders to mold her body, drawing a soft, needy sound from her.
Then she shoved back, her eyes wide and luminous. “Don’t kiss me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like—” Her voice cracked. “Like you love me.” Covering her mouth with a shaking hand, she walked away, only to stop, hand hovering over the doorknob when he spoke.
“Don’t go, Caitlin.”
“I can’t stay here with you—it would hurt too much. I want more from you than just...this. I want trust. And love. If I stay, I’ll make both of us miserable, and I refuse to do that. I deserve more, Joe, and so do you.”
“Wait. Please—” With horror, he realized how close he was to actually begging her. Begging. God. He’d been through some unbelievably tough spots before, but he’d never resorted to begging.
She looked at him then, really looked at him, and he knew she was seeing past the exterior to the real him. To his deepest of souls. In her eyes, he could see the flicker of life. Of hope. Of love. Hard to accept, when he still hadn’t quite let himself believe that she could really love him.
“What should I wait for, Joe?”
The words stuck in his throat.
When he didn’t speak, the hope in her eyes went out. Simply extinguished. Liquid brown eyes cold for the first time since he’d met her, she left the room, shutting the door quietly behind her.
All Joe could do was try to swallow past the lump in his throat and watch her go.
He’d ruined everything, and with his eyes wide open.
All because he’d waited too long to trust her with the heart he’d protected from harm for years. All because he’d waited too long to tell her he’d finally, truly, irrevocably fallen in love.
Hell, maybe he should have begged.
13
ALONE IN HIS OFFICE around 4:00 a.m., Joe finally cracked his computer program. It simply clicked into place. Once upon a time, he would have jumped up and down, shouting and whooping for joy.
Now the victory was hollow and meaningless.
Yes, he’d been working for the better part of three years on the office system he knew would redefine software as most knew it. And yes, he’d once measured his success by it.
Success meant nothing now. Nothing at all without Caitlin to share it with.
Swiping his hands down over his haggard face, he looked around at the darkened office. The only light came from the glow of his computer. The only sound was from the coffeemaker down the hall—which was running perfectly smoothly now that the wiring had been fixed.
Still, what he wouldn’t give for Caitlin to be here blowing it up at this very moment.
Because only then would everything be perfect.
He’d once harbored great dreams on this program. It would make him famous. Make him a somebody. Give him wealth and security for the rest of his life.
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br /> Now he didn’t care about any of that. All he wanted was to be a somebody to a beautiful, caring woman named Caitlin Taylor, who wanted nothing to do with a cold jerk like himself.
He couldn’t blame her.
Shoving back from his desk, he stalked toward the door, suddenly needed fresh air.
Once outside, he stepped around the sleeping homeless man on the stoop and watched the early morning. Tipping his head back, he studied the stars.
A cool breeze rumpled his hair. In the distance, he could hear the drone of the cars on the freeway, and knew he’d get better scenery at home on the beach, where he could feel the cool ocean spray and smell the salt on the wind.
But at home, he’d be reminded of his failures. He’d probably stand in his bedroom and fantasize about having Caitlin back in his bed, golden hair spread on his pillow, her dark eyes wide with sensual wonder. Just thinking about it brought back the scent of her, the satiny feel of her skin against his.
If he closed his eyes, it was so clear in his mind. The huge bed. Sighs and murmurs, the whisper of clothing floating to the floor. The gentle, full spring wind teasing the curtains and blowing the air over their heated skin...
He’d driven her away, and the way he saw it now, he had two choices. He could be a complete fool and live, suffer with his decision to keep his love to himself.
Or he could do what he’d sworn never to do—beg.
HE’D SEARCHED the entire world for her. At least it felt that way. With humbling defeat, Joe tossed his keys aside, plopped down in his chair and set his head on the desk.
It was late afternoon, and he had to face the devastating facts.
Caitlin had disappeared.
“Still no luck, Joe?” Andy asked from the doorway.
Joe didn’t lift his head, but knew Tim would be hovering there, as well, waiting for news. “Nope.”
“You looked in her condo?”
Only six times. “Yep.”
“And you checked your place again, right?” This from Tim, sounding worried.
Worried was a good thing, Joe decided, because if either Andy or Tim was hiding her, he would have to kill them. “Yes, I checked my place again.” He’d left it unlocked, actually, hoping against hope. But she hadn’t shown.
