I wish I could wake up from this nightmare I’ve created for Jax and myself. My heart leaps when I hear my phone ring and I see Jax’s name on the display.
“Jax, I’m–”
“Stop.” His voice is cold and distant. “I don’t want to hear it. I’m staying in a hotel tonight. I’d prefer you not be there when I come by in the morning.”
“Jax, you can sleep–”
He cuts me off. “Do you really think I want to be in bed with you when you fucked some guy less than twenty-four hours ago?”
I gasp at his tone and the hurt in his voice. I can hear him breathing and I know that he’s mad. He’s madder than he would be fighting another player on the ice. After another second or two of silence, he ends the call without another word to me.
What have I done?
~ ~ ~
I stare at the alarm clock as it goes off. I’ve had no sleep. I can’t rest knowing Jax is across town in a hotel. I roll out of the bed and head to the shower. The hot water blasts me, and the tears begin to flow again. When I’m done, I wrap myself tightly in my robe and go back into the bedroom to get dressed.
Jax is coming out of our walk-in closet. He cuts me a quick, mean look, making me drop my head. He’s angry because I’m still here.
“Um, don’t forget you have that promotional shoot after practice,” I tell him. “Are you coming home tonight?”
Jax doesn’t say anything. I look up at him, and his arms are crossed. After a moment, he walks past me into the bathroom and shuts the door. I try to not feel like I’m being stabbed in the heart repeatedly, but that’s how it feels. Every time he looks at me, he shows me what a terrible person I am, and he’s right. It’s how I should feel because I’ve ruined our lives and our marriage.
I quickly dress, flip my hair up into a tight bun, and rush out of the bedroom. I go into the kitchen, and I know that I should eat something, but I can’t right now. I make myself a cup of coffee, and one for Jax, too. I try to take a sip, but even the smell makes my stomach turn. Jax walks in, freshly showered, and ready for his day.
“I made you a cup of coffee.” My voice cracks, but I can hear the ping of hope in it that he’ll talk to me.
He stares at the cup on the counter as if it’s a poisonous apple. He stalks past it, grabs a bottle of water from the fridge, and walks out.
The front door slams, causing me to jump. I hang my head, knowing that I’ve caused this.
When I pull into the hospital parking lot, I sit in my car for the longest time. It’s the first time that I don’t want to go to work. I want to hide in my bed and dream that I can make a single wish and everything would go back to the way it was before I messed up our lives.
I pick up my phone and call the absent hotline. I punch in the code for a sick day and drive away from the hospital.
Las Vegas has been my home all my life, but right now I feel like a stranger. I don’t know where to go, I don’t know what to do, and I’m tired of crying. I look at the clock and realize that I need to talk to someone before my head explodes.
I pull out on The Strip and head for the MGM Hotel. My sister should be working, and she might be able to make time for me.
I walk up to the front counter and a pretty redhead smiles at me.
“May I help you?”
“I need to see Regina Staples.”
“Do you have an appointment?”
“No, but it’s important. Please tell her it’s Avery Godwin.”
“One moment.” The redhead picks up the phone. After a moment, she smiles. “You can go up.”
I nod, not smiling back, and head off to the offices on the far side of the building.
My older sister has worked here almost her entire life. She has been in management for the past few years. She loves it. I think it’s the most stressful job any one person could have, but who am I to judge; I’m a nurse.
I knock on the door with her name on it and hear her yell to come in. When I open it, my very tall, very blonde sister is sitting in a large leather chair.
“What are you doing here, Squirt?” She comes around her desk to hug me.
If you looked at us side-by-side you would never think we were even related. Regina takes after her father, who had been husband number two, and I take after our mother. My father was husband number five, but I never knew him. There’s a ten-year age gap, but you can’t tell it because Regina still looks twenty-five.
“What’s wrong?” She can see it plastered on my face and she wraps me in her arms. I didn’t think I could cry anymore, but I do. Regina guides me over to the small sofa in her office. “Talk to me. Are you okay?”
I shake my head. “I’m a horrible person.”
“You?” she scoffs. “Of everyone I know, you are the last person that would be horrible.”
“It’s true.” I take a deep breath and tell her my terrible secret. “I cheated on Jax.”
Regina mouth drops. “Shut up.”
“I did.” I pull out of her arms, drop my purse on the floor, and pace her office. “I ruined our marriage, and now Jax won’t even look at me.”
“I don’t know what to say. I mean, you said that you two were having issues, but I didn’t think that it was that bad.”
I nod. I tell her everything that has happened in the last six months. The pain I’ve felt, the way I’ve been ignored, and how Jax didn’t even realize it.
“Do you think that he’ll file for divorce?”
I shrug. “I don’t know, but by the way he acted this morning, I would imagine he's at an attorney’s office right now.”
“Squirt, I don’t know what to say.”
“I do.” I square my shoulders and stare at my sister. “I’ve turned into Mom.”
Regina stands up. “No, you haven’t.”
“Yep,” I nod. “I have. I’m going to be sixty years old with eight failed marriages, living in some condo out in the desert.” I love my mom, but that woman has more marriages than Elizabeth Taylor. She meets a man, falls in love after ten minutes, and then runs off to a chapel to get married. Regina and I have bounced around so many homes in our lives, it’s crazy.
“Squirt, quit that right now,” Regina orders me. “Jax loves you, and you’re not Mom.”
“He didn’t even talk to me today.”
“Well, give him time. Maybe he’ll come around. Think of this though: you don’t have a prenup, so at least you get some sweet money.”
I gasp. “Genie. How can you say that? I didn’t marry Jax for his money. I couldn't care less about that.”
She smiles, walking over to me. “That right there shows you’re not Mom.”
I close my eyes understanding her point.
“It was one time, right?”
I nod. “I fell into bed with the first guy in six months that said I was beautiful.”
“It happens.”
“Not to me. Not to my marriage. What does that say about me, Genie? That I’m a whore.”
“Hey!” she barks at me. “Don’t ever call yourself that. You’re not. If you want your marriage to make it, then fight for it. Fight hard. Mom never did that; she just moved on to the next guy. You haven’t even batted your eye at a guy since you met Jax. Did you love this guy?”
“No, I love Jax. I made a mistake.”
“Then go fix it.”
After I leave my sister’s office, I don’t know where to go. I drive aimlessly and end up in front of the rink. I know that Jax still has practice, and that he doesn’t particularly like me coming, but from time-to-time, I do.
I pull up to the security guard, flashing my family badge, and drive to the parking garage. I park right next to Jax’s Mustang and head through the back door. I find a seat near some other fans, but higher up.
I spot Jax first. I can always find him on the ice; it never fails. It’s usually because of his smile; this time, it’s because he isn’t smiling.
The team is all bunched in the middle of the ice, doing a shootout.
Jax is last to shoot. He races toward the goalie and slings the stick back, shooting the puck over the goalie’s right shoulder. The team slaps their sticks on the ice, but Jax still doesn’t smile.
“Mrs. Godwin.” I turn and see Mr. O’Connell, the Gambler’s General Manager, coming over to me. “What is the pleasure of having you here today?”
I stand and shake his hand. “Um, just stopping by.”
“I’m sure Jax will be glad to see you.”
I’m not sure about that, I think as I sit back down. He takes the seat next to me.
“So what are you doing out and about?”
“Oh, an old man like me needs to stretch his legs every once in a while,” he jokes.
Mr. O’Connell is possibly the sweetest man around. Most people think GMs are ruthless and cutthroat, but he’s different. He does his best to keep a team together. He doesn’t just trade them away. That’s why this team has been together so long. However, that still doesn’t mean Jax can’t be traded, and I know he worries about it.
“I don’t see an old man,” I try to joke back, but it isn’t there.
He looks at me cautiously. “Jax’s contracts negotiations should be starting up soon.”
I nod.
“Are you looking forward to a change?”
My mouth drops. “A change? Are you thinking of trading him?”
He narrows his eyes at me for a quick second. “What do you think?”
I look out on the ice and see Jax talking to the newest rookies. He’s pointing and talking to them. He’s a great leader, and an even better hockey player.
“Jax belongs here. He needs to be on the ice. It’s what he’s married to.” I try to hide the sadness in my voice.
“Yes,” he sighs. “He is, isn’t he?”
I continue looking at my husband, for however long I can call him that. “I should be going.” I stand.
“No,” he stands with me. “Let’s go see your husband.”
My heart drops. “Oh no,” I shake my head. “He has a shoot after this and I know that he’s busy.”
“No, come on.” Mr. O’Connell leaves no room for argument.
Shit, I think, as I follow him to the player’s bench. The guys start coming off the ice, and like always, Jax is last.
“Godwin, look who I found,” Mr. O’Connell boasts.
Jax’s eyes are wide and I can see how mad he still is. He won’t make a scene though. He smiles and nods.
“I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone,” he smiles and walks off, leaving us alone in the rink.
“Hi,” I mumble softly.
“What are you doing here?”
“I stopped by just to watch you,” I explain. “I wasn’t going to bother you, but Mr. O’Connell saw me, and here I am,” I rush out. “I called off work today. I didn’t feel like going in.” I thought he should know why I’m not at work.
“Must be nice to be able to do that,” he slightly sneers at me.
“Jax, we need to talk. Please,” I beg. I step closer to him.
“I’m at work, Avery. I’m not talking here,” he grits out at me.
I’m going to fight. I’m not going to back down. “You’ve come to my job before. What’s the difference?” I search his face. “I know you have a few minutes. Didn’t you say that’s better than nothing?” I hate using his words against him, but I'm hoping it might work.
Jax stands there staring me down as if I’m an opponent on the ice and not his wife. There’s no love in his eyes. I caused that to go away. It’s my fault he looks broken right now.
“I did, but I said that to my wife. I told that to the woman who didn’t cheat on me and ruin our five years of wedded bliss.”
“Jax-”
“I’m busy.” He turns to leave me and I have to try to reach him.
“Jax, I know that I hurt you. I hurt us, but I can’t imagine a day without you. I mean that. I want us to make it. I will do anything you want to fix this. Just tell me. Please, don’t stop talking to me.”
Jax stops and listens to my plea, but he doesn’t acknowledge a word that I say. He continues his walk down the tunnel.
Chapter Seven
Jax
I thought going away for a few road games would be a relief, but it’s not. I thought having more space away from Avery would take away some of the hurt and anger, but it hasn’t. Instead, it’s all I can think about. Is she out with some random guy right now? Kissing him and letting him touch her because I haven’t? Part of me wants to say that I don’t think she is, but I never thought she would sleep with someone else in the first place, so what do I know?
My stomach churns at the thought. What if she is cheating again, but instead of going somewhere else, she is taking him to the house? My house. I shake my head in an attempt to clear my thoughts because that’s the last thing I want to think about. And just like the past few days, everything runs through my mind over and over again.
Part of me reluctantly knows that I can’t completely blame her. Well, I can’t blame her for being in such a position. That’s my fault. I wasn’t making her happy. I wasn’t giving her what she needed. The memory of her promotion surges forward and makes me feel even worse.
She’d come home, yelling out my name the moment she walked through the door. I was lying on the couch because I had a game later that day and a muscle in my leg had been bothering me a little bit. I was in the midst of a nap when she called my name. Unfortunately, I’m one of those people who can be grouchy the first minute or two after I wake up.
“Jax! I got the promotion!” she squealed from the excitement.
Her words didn’t really register, so I simply replied, “That’s great, Avery,” and closed my eyes again. She continued to talk. I stretched my leg out, and a cramp twisted my muscles in pain.
“Jax, are you listening? I got the promotion!” She was standing behind the couch and pushed my shoulder to get my attention.
I sat up to rub my calf and snapped, “Yes, I heard you. That’s fantastic. Damn, this hurts.”
And that was that. I don’t know if she stayed behind me or if she walked away after that. I was too busy massaging my muscles so they wouldn’t be a pain later during the game. Once the cramp was gone, I grabbed my things and told her I was leaving early to make sure I stretched my legs really well. Nothing else was ever said about her promotion. I got caught up in work and the following road game.
No wonder she slept with another guy the first chance she got. I’ve been more concerned with hockey and myself than with her. It still doesn’t make it right, not even close, but I can see where I went wrong, too. For now, I shove that all to the side and do what I apparently do best, focus on my job and nothing else.
My life still intrudes on the game somewhat. I don’t chirp the other players; in fact, I don’t talk unless I need to. All I want to do is lose myself in the way I skate across the ice, the sounds of the crowd, slamming against the boards, the puck gliding over the surface, the stick making contact with the puck, and everything else that is pure hockey. Somehow, I manage to silence my mind. I don’t think. I act and respond to what’s happening on the ice. Nothing else.
The game becomes my escape, where the only thing that matters is my performance, where the puck is, and where every player is. Today, I’m not here to have fun and enjoy the game like usual. I’m here to do a job, do it well, and forget everything else. If only that could last.
The moment I walk back into the hotel, it all comes crashing down again. As I ride the elevator up to my floor, I check my texts and there’s one from Avery. Half of me wants to sigh and the other half is happy to hear from her.
Avery: Good game. :) You played well.
Even the smiley in the text seems forced. I lazily scroll through past messages and see that’s the longest text there, except for me asking her to do things with our finances. Our texts are one to two-word replies and the longer I scroll the more I see it. The ding of the elevator momentarily takes me away. W
hat has happened to us? As I change and lay in bed, my heart aches.
I hate where we are, the things that happened to put us here, and I hate that I want to sleep in a different place than Avery. Hell, I even hate that I miss her. That’s not how I should feel about my wife, but I do. For a while, I debate texting her back. Eventually, I do, keeping up with the one-word trend we have going.
Me: Thanks.
~ ~ ~
After the second road game, I’m lying in hotel room, feeling lonely. Being away from home has never really been a problem for me. It’s always been a part of the job, so I don’t really mind it. Yet today, I’m battling with myself about wishing I was home with Avery and not wanting to be anywhere near her.
I’ve been thinking more about how she said I treated her like my accountant and scheduler; the evidence is in these texts. That’s something small I can change. Besides, if we do end up getting a divorce, it’s not as if Avery would still do it. Either I need to do it myself or hire an assistant.
I’ve never wished that I didn’t have my job. I’ve always loved what I do. Maybe I’m not cut out to do both. Maybe Avery isn’t cut out to handle both. Maybe we shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. It did happen pretty quickly. What if we were so in love with the new relationship that we jumped into a marriage when we shouldn’t have? Sighing, I dismiss those thoughts. We had a good marriage before, so we were doing something right. Somehow, we have to get over this. Somehow, I have to decide if I can get over it, if I want to.
The days are long until I head back in Vegas. When I get home, everything looks the same, not that I expected any different. Our house doesn’t show any signs of the turmoil we’re going through unless you look in the guest bedroom and see a few of my things in there. I’m tired of the hotel, but there’s no way I’m staying in our bedroom.
Today, I decide that it’s time for me to take care of my own life. I grab the laptop and sit at the table. I hate computers. They frustrate me to no end, and typing with one or two fingers doesn’t help. I go to check my email, something Avery did, and I’m thankful she automatically saved my password because I don’t remember it. When it pulls up, there’s only one unread message, and it was sent two minutes ago.
Their New Beginning (Oh Captain, My Captain #5) Page 4
