by Ward, Tamryn
Pain.
My face.
Can’t see.
I blink. It hurts. But knowing if I don’t clear my vision, I’ll be beat unconsciousness, I fight to open my eyes. When I finally get them open, everything is blurry. But I can tell I’m still standing by some miracle. Henry is in front of me, fists guarding his face. A faint jagged scar cuts through his eyebrow. I wonder how he got it. A fight, perhaps?
I hear a sound, behind me. I turn around. Jay is watching us, arms crossed over his chest, mouth mashed into a hard line.
Remember to use your opponent’s weakness against him.
A lot of good that advice is doing.
Henry is almost a foot taller than me. His shoulders are wide. His chest is broad. His fists are the size of melons. He has no weakness. He’s bigger and stronger than Tom or Paul.
But I’m not going to make it easy for him.
Resolved to stay on my feet as long as I can, I lift my arms to shield my face. Henry caught me off guard with that first punch, but I won’t let that happen again…if I can help it.
He smiles. It isn’t a friendly smile. It’s an I’m-going-to-make-you-suffer smile that makes me want to inflict some pain on him before he beats me unconscious. But how? He’s ready for me. His hands are up, like we were taught, protecting his chin, eyes and nose.
I poke out a fist. It strikes his belly and my knuckles crack. Pain shoots up my arm and I stagger backward, surprised by how much it hurts.
It’s hopeless. My hands are too small to be any use. I’m too weak. I picture Alice and Fran. They used elbows and knees. Elbows and knees are hard and pointy and stronger than little fists.
Elbows and knees. That’s all I have.
When Henry lunges forward to hit me again, I bring my knee up. It hits him somewhere. I hear an oof sound. It’s a satisfying sound. I watch him hunch over.
“Fucking hick,” he growls.
It’s a miracle. I got him where it hurts most.
Ha! He does have a weakness.
But I know he won’t let that happen again…once he recovers. In fact, I know I’m in for a whole lot of pain. I need to get in as many elbows and knees as I can before he’s ready to swing at me. I let loose, kicking and slamming my elbow into him. I don’t take aim; I blindly batter him until he strikes me in the face. It feels like the world has flown out from under me. The pain blinds me. My head whips to the side so hard my neck twists.
He’s going to kill me.
I go cold.
I’m heavy. So heavy.
Can’t see.
“Enough!” someone yells.
Something hard slams into my body. The pain is unbearable. My face, my stomach, my chest.
I’m going to die. That bastard, Henry, is going to kill me. If only I’d gotten in one more kick.
Just one more kick. Then I could die knowing I’d made him suffer a little.
Heavy.
I’m sinking.
Pain is…dulling…
With blackness comes relief.
Chapter 13
I’m not dead.
I’m alive. I’m in hell, but I’m alive.
I hurt. Everywhere. My arms. My knees. My stomach. My chest.
But mostly my face hurts. The bones must be shattered.
When I grit my teeth I feel things moving under my skin, cracking and crunching. The sensation makes my stomach roil.
“Eva?”
Someone is speaking to me?
“Eva?”
I drag heavy eyelids up. Bright white light. Piercing light. It feels like blades are slicing through my skull. I squint.
“How are you feeling?” It’s Mattie. She’s come to visit me. I must be in the infirmary.
“Like hell,” I tell her. My voice is lower than normal. Croaky like I’ve been a corn husk smoker all my life.
She grabs my hand and squeezes it. “I bet. I’m so relieved you’re awake.”
“I’m not relieved,” I admit. And that’s no lie. The pain is almost unbearable. It hurts to talk, to breathe, to think.
“Do you need more pain meds? I can call the nurse.”
“No, no. That’s okay. I hate drugs. I can handle this.” Knowing I’m in for some major punishment, but needing to try anyway, I slowly push myself to a sitting position. My head almost explodes. Muscles everywhere scream in protest. I squeeze my eyelids and breathe slowly, hoping the pain will subside.
“You look like you’re dying,” Mattie informs me.
I’m so not grateful to hear that. Yes, I feel like I’m dying, but I’m not so happy to hear I look like hell too. “Gee, thanks.”
She places a hand on my shoulder to help steady me. “No, I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, I think I should get help.” I hear her step away.
Semi-blind, but following the sound, I stab a hand out to try to catch her before she gets too far. By some miracle it works. My fingers latch onto some material and I tug. “No, please. Drugs will only make me worse. Sleepy. Dopey. I need my head clear. I need to get back to training.”
“Are you insane?” she says, her exasperated tone saying, you are insane.
“I’m no more insane than Helen.”
“You’re way worse than she was. Your face…I mean…”
I reach up to touch my cheek. My fingertips find skin, but I don’t feel their pressure. The nerves in my face are dead. “It’s that bad?”
“Um…” She looks up. She looks down. She looks everywhere but at the subject of our discussion.
“How bad?” I demand.
“Well…” She cringes, still avoiding eye contact.
I grit my teeth and swing my legs over the side of the bed. I hurt everywhere. And even the slightest movement makes the world tip and swoop. “It doesn’t matter how ugly I look. I have to get back to training. You know what happens if we’re ‘incapacitated for more than twenty-four hours’.” I make air quotes.
“It’s too late,” she says softly. “Jay says you’re out.”
“What?” My haze-filled gaze scans the room, searching for a clock. My heart thumps hard and fast. Panic sends surging waves of adrenaline through my system. “Out? How long was I unconscious?”
“Almost twenty hours. I just ran up here during breakfast to check on you. This morning’s training session starts in a few minutes. There’s no way you’ll make it back in time.”
Twenty hours. I’ve been unconscious for almost a full day? I can’t be thrown out. I can’t let this happen. “Twenty hours? Are you sure?”
Looking like she might cry, she nods. “I’m sure.”
“Twenty isn’t twenty-four.” I rip the tape off my arm, securing the needle piercing into my vein.
Mattie pales. “What are you doing?”
“I have to go to training.” Working fast but carefully, I pull the needle out and bend my arm to stop the bleeding.
“You have to stay here. You had a bad concussion. It isn’t safe for you to train today.”
“But I have to. I…have to.” I force muscles to move, aching joints to flex and bend. I look down. The floor seems so fucking far away. And my body hates me.
Shit, I don’t want to do this.
Yes. Yes, I can. Failing isn’t an option.
I can’t just lie in bed and wait for them to throw me out.
“Please, stop.” Mattie tries to push me back down, but I refuse to let her.
“Let me get up,” I snap. I shove her back, hard.
Stumbling backward, Mattie throws her hands up in surrender. “Easy, Eva. I was just trying to protect you. If you go back to training like this, you’ll hurt yourself worse.”
“Well, I have no other choice. I have to go back. Otherwise I’m out. My family needs the money.”
We stare at each other for several seconds. The sound of our fast, heavy breathing fills the silence.
Mattie’s hands drop. One extends out, palm up. “Fine. I can see you’re not giving up. I’d rather help you than get in your way.”
I set my hand in hers and pull. Leg muscles strain as I set my weight on my feet. I wince. “Thank you.”
She shakes her head. “Don’t thank me. I’m not doing you any favors. You’re not doing yourself any favors either. But it is what it is. We better get going. Don’t want to be late.” She gives me an up-and-down look and mashes her lips into a thin line. “But you might want to fix yourself up a little first.” She points at my head. “You’ll scare someone.”
We laugh at the absurdity of it all.
Despite the pain it feels good to laugh.
* * * * *
A list is posted on the door when we get to the training room. At the top of the page the title reads, PHASE 1 RECRUIT CLASS RANKS.
They’re ranking us already?
Paul’s name sits at the top of the list. No surprise there.
Neither is it surprising to see that he is looking very proud of his current status among the recruits.
Henry is number two, Tom is three, and Alice is four. I’m way down the list but not at the bottom. There are three others below me, including Roy. His low rank makes no sense whatsoever.
It must make no sense to Mattie too. She points at his name and gives me a confused look. I shrug my shoulders.
While I was out for most of yesterday’s training, I’ve seen nothing that would rank him so low. He had his issues with the fighting, but he’s strong, fast, and a decent fighter, better than several of the people above him. At least he wasn’t hauled out of training unconscious like some of us have been.
When we enter the training room, I feel everyone’s eyes on me. It isn’t the most pleasant sensation, having all the other recruits staring at me, gape-mouthed and pointing. A few people snicker. Mattie whispers, “Ignore them. They’re assholes.”
She doesn’t have to tell me that. I know they’re assholes. And I know it’s best to ignore them. “Wow, nice makeover,” Paul says. “Black and blue look good on you. So good, I think you could use a little more.”
“Yeah, well you’d just better watch out. Someone is going to knock you off the top of that list. And it won’t be pretty.” I find a spot to lean against the wall, hoping no one can tell it’s holding me up.
Jay comes in and scans the room. His gaze locks on me for a moment and I feel my face warm with embarrassment. I hate that anyone has to see me like this. But I’m especially horrified that he has to see me like this. The bruises are proof that I don’t belong here.
“Good morning. Glad to see you’ve all made it to training today.” He motions toward the door. “As you see, you’ve been ranked based upon your performance so far. Training is comprised of three phases. What you do not know is that only the top ten of your class will continue to the final phase.” He gives each of us a pointed look. “If there are more than ten who pass Phase Two.”
I don’t like the way he emphasizes that if word. Neither do the other recruits. There’s an eruption of chatter. Someone murmurs, “That’s not fair.”
Jay’s eyes go cold. “This isn’t about being fair. It’s about what’s best for the agency, for everyone, not just for one person.”
I have to be one of the top ten by the end of the next phase, which means I need to knock at least one person out of the top ten to take their place. I check the list again, seeing who is in those first ten spaces, besides Alice, Tom and Paul. And, assuming Roy doesn’t belong at the bottom, I have to take him into account too. Who can I knock out of the top ten? How?
“Phase Two will begin tomorrow. You will not have training this morning or afternoon. However, tonight we will be going on a little field trip. To give you a taste of what you’ll be facing after you’ve graduated training if you’re one of the bottom recruits. I will remind you, only the top three are given a choice of jobs within the agency, based upon their skills and preferences. Their pay will be higher, too, of course.”
The room goes stone cold and silent. Everyone eyes the others around them, sizing them up. I do the same thing. Oddly, I don’t sense many eyes on me anymore.
My black and blue fight-losing self is no threat to anyone.
Suddenly I wish I had more people staring at me. They’ve all decided I don’t have a chance of making the top ten. I don’t want to believe them but a part of me can’t help it.
Trying to hide my growing sense of defeat, I watch the others file out of the room. Mattie sticks by my side. “Roy was talking about doing some studying during our free time. I know you need help with programming. Do you want to go with us?”
It’s a tough decision, but in the end I decide to pass on the invitation. As much as I need help with programming, right now I need rest more. I shake my head. “No, I’m going to head back to the dorm and get some more sleep. If we have to run tonight, on our ‘field trip’ I’m going to need it.”
“Sure.” After giving me a pained look, Mattie jogs ahead to catch up to Roy. After the last recruit leaves, I push off the wall, using the momentum to propel me toward the door.
Jay stops me just as I reach it. “I’m surprised to see you this morning.”
I wish the floor could swallow me up right now. I look like death. Mattie told me so. The bruises scream, she’s a failure. Now Jay, the one I need to impress, is seeing me like this. “You know the rules.”
“Sure.” His gaze wanders up and down my body, and my skin warms.
Now. Even as I’m half-expecting him to tell me to pack my bags and get out. What is wrong with me?
I hate how he affects me. And I don’t hate it. A part of me is thrilled by the respect I see in his eyes as he looks at me. The other part screams warnings that this is not the time or place for silly crushes on beautiful trainers.
He says, “You’re tougher than I expected.”
“Let’s hope some of the recruits are underestimating me too. And your boss.”
“They are.” His smile nearly stops my heart. “See you later.”
As I watch him walk away, I remind myself why I shouldn’t be feeling like I’ve just met my favorite book hero.
Book heroes aren’t real, like Sam. They are perfect.
They can’t smash your heart into a million pieces.
And they can’t toss you out of the training program you have to finish for the sake of your family, your friends, everyone you love.
Jay is no book hero. No. Not even close.
I know this. My head does, at least.
Now I wish my stupid pitter-pattery heart would get the message.
Chapter 14
Someone is tapping my shoulder.
The images of my dream fade, and I’m grateful. I was dreaming about George. He was beating me until I confessed to being in love with Jay. My cheeks are wet. Shit. I was crying.
Hiding under the blanket, I drag my hand across my face. Someone is going to find out about my stupid crush. Somehow. I just know it. And then they will tease me unmercifully.
Who knows, maybe I’ll even get thrown out of training.
“Hurry up,” Mattie says. “We have to be at the door in ten minutes.”
I push upright. My body hates me. A low moan slips from my lips. All I want to do is curl up in a ball, close my eyes, and go back to sleep. Sleep is so much better than this, even with the horrible nightmares. I’m not made for this. It’s too hard.
“No way. I’m not going to let you give up now.” Mattie grabs my hands and pulls me to my feet. My head spins a little and I have to blink a few times to make the spinning stop. Never, not in a million years, did I expect standing to be so fucking hard.
“I hate you right now,” I grumble as I accept the t-shirt she hands me. I pull off the oversized sweatshirt I sleep in and ease the clean shirt over my head, being careful not to bump my face. Then I step into a pair of shorts.
Mattie drops my shoes at my feet. “Yeah, yeah. I love you too.”
I barely get my feet crammed into my shoes and she’s dragging me out of the room. I tie the laces when we find the other recru
its.
“How ya feeling, hick?” Henry taunts. His expression is sympathetic, but the tone of his voice is most definitely not. He doesn’t care how I’m feeling. “We’re all so humbled you decided to join us.”
“Shut the fuck up,” Mattie says.
Alice guffaws. “Ooh, the princess’s little entourage is sooo scary. They even know how to use naughty words.”
“You should be scared,” Jay says, standing at the door, looking bored. “Josiah Bush, the former President of what was once the United States of America, underestimated the enemy. Look what happened to him. And the country. It no longer exists. Now it’s been reorganized into ten districts, all governed by the Amiga.”
Alice rolls her eyes. “As if that’s such a bad thing?”
One of Jay’s hands is resting on the nob. His gaze is locked on the clock hanging on the wall behind me. For a fraction of a second he glances at me. My face gets hot again. Why can’t I make it stop?
“All right. It’s midnight. Let’s go.” He pulls open the door and we swarm outside like bees from a hive. He leads the way, running at a steady pace. I keep up with him, despite my injuries. I secretly thank him for not running as fast as Claire did during our first days of training.
As we run mile after mile, our surroundings become more and more untamed. The forest grows dense, the canopy overhead blocking out the silvery light of the moon and stars. The inky black of the sky swallows the world ahead of us. It looks like we’ve reached the end of the world, like there is nothing beyond but space. Empty, cold space.
Every now and then my gaze shifts to Jay. I don’t do it intentionally. It just finds its way to him and rests there. And then I start to feel funny inside and have to look at something else.
After running for over an hour Jay stops abruptly. Up ahead I see a shape in the darkness. It’s barely discernable. A line cutting across the horizon.
I think I know where we are. I’ve read about it but never seen it.
It’s the wall. We’ve come to the wall.
“What do you think is out there?” Mattie whispers as we slowly approach the dark shadow towering up ahead.
“I’m guessing mostly forest. Animals.”
