by P. Milisande
She felt an overwhelming urge to hug her mom. She did not. Mad, sad, she did not know what she felt. Confused, maybe.
Will everything be back to normal? Maybe not. Maybe never.
“Okay, Mom. See you later…I’m going up...”
VeilOverAtlantis.com
Tomorrow is my birthday. I will turn 17 on the 7th day of the 7th moon.
Something is wrong. Something shifted in the air. I have done something, forgotten something. And now I will be reminded, reprimanded, because I have forgotten.
Fear, somehow, I feel fear.
I do not want this. I am beyond this. You told me so. You told me it is all in my mind. In my head. That to master my life, I had to master my fear. But now you are gone.
There is pain. Unbearable pain.
It is your fault, Dad. Because you left. Because you did not say goodbye. Because I do not know where you are.
Pain and fear, fear and pain. There are layers upon layers. Each is trying to get to the top of the heap. To be noticed. Self-defeating, ugly, chaotic. But they are real. They are here. They take me to places where I do not want to be.
I bid them goodbye. With great effort. As you have taught me.
I imagine them as nothing and they become nothing. As you have taught me.
I think I can breathe. There, where I allow myself the freedom of no thought.
I feel within myself the slow drumming of my blood, feel my every vein, the images behind my eyes now fading. I sit still, and everything else becomes still.
I pause for one breath.
All my thoughts, just thoughts. All my hope, just vain hope. A call to the wild among the wild.
I go to the void. I am nowhere. In this nowhere, I am with you.
It is enough. For now. For today.
Until I understand. Until I see you again.
CHAPTER 6
~
SATURDAY TOOK A LONG time to come but when it finally came, Maia could not contain her excitement. She jumped when the doorbell rang.
I’m jumping a lot these days.
She ran to the door. “Mom, we’re leaving!!!” She tried to keep the excitement out of her voice.
“Okay, be home by 10!!!”
She opened the door.
Cute, gorgeous, darling Noah. He is here. And he is here to see me.
“Hi, Maia! Is that Aunt Mae? I want to say hi to her…”
“Oh, it’s okay. Say hi next time. How are you?” She closed the door. She could not stop herself from smiling. Am I smiling too much?
She steered Noah away from the door.
“You’re acting funny. Does your mom know you are going out with me?”
“I… Can we not talk about it...?”
“Maia...”
“Noah, please… It’s complicated… Let’s just go...”
“Oh, okay. Sorry…”
“Don’t worry about it…” Let me worry. “Oh, where are we going?” She did not think about this thoroughly. Noah is a licensed pilot.
“It’s a surprise.”
“Wait. I’m not sure I like surprises.”
“Haha… You’re too funny! Wow, you’ve grown up…”
She did not know why but she felt ridiculously happy.
“How have you been, Maia? Gosh, it’s been too long.”
She found herself facing him. He held out his hands. She took it. My hands in his. His in mine. What is going on?
“Hey, I missed you.”
Maia looked around and tried to get a sense of where she stood in relation to her house, her door, her mother. Mom might see us and I might not be allowed to go on a date ever. Her rising panic and excitement made her eyes as round as golf balls. Wait, did he just say he missed me? I don’t think I can say I missed him too. It’s not proper.
“I missed you too...?”
He laughed. “How are you?” he said in his intense voice. He pulled her closer.
Electricity, fireworks, cartwheels. I feel like doing cartwheels.
“I’m okay…”
Maia could hear her heart pounding. Can he hear it too? And his voice. She fell in love with that voice in the small cockpit they shared a long time ago. Up there, on the clouds. There, where she could almost not hear him.
That’s where I almost killed him too. She frowned. I’m so weird... Is he asking me something…?
“You okay, Maia?”
“Oh! What? Me? I’m… What did you say?”
“You seem distracted. You smiled, then you frowned. You’re really funny, you know. Then and now. I just asked about school. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you...”
“Oh... I’m still in school… High school, almost graduating. I’ve always been here, just here, waiting…” She loved the feel of her hands in his. She stopped herself from purring.
“Waiting for what?”
For you.
“Oh, you know, to go to college, to grow up…”
Maybe marry you?
I have to pull myself together.
She pulled her hands from his and thrust them into her jeans. “But how are you? You’re graduating next year, right?” Now, she’s blushing. All over. I hope I don’t perspire.
“It’s better now that I’m home.”
That sounded sad. I’m not sure I know what that means.
They walked. She tried not to reach out for his hands. He led her to his car and opened the door for her. She got in.
He went to the driver’s side, and once inside, he laced his fingers through hers again. She did not have the option to resist. Not that she would.
“I missed you. Sorry, I keep saying that.”
You can say that over and over. I won’t mind. It feels delicious. Did I say delicious?
She did not trust herself or her voice so she nodded and said nothing. She tried to compose herself, to act cool and unaffected. She already said she missed him so she cannot say that again. She just smiled and kept quiet. It’s so hard to keep quiet.
She sighed.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, just... It’s great to see you too.”
“I... You in the mood for fish and chips?”
She sat up straight. She remembered the Young Aviator’s Club had a tradition that members should fly a plane on their first date. And do a loop at 30,000 feet. For love luck. Or for no reason at all. She totally forgot about that stupid tradition.
“This fish and chips place, where is it?”
Did my voice just squeak?
“Your guess is as good as mine.”
That’s not an answer.
“No, no, no. My guess is we are staying here. There are a thousand and one places down here on this good earth…” Good earth? I’m losing it.
“Did you just say Good Earth?”
Why are his eyes twinkling?
“I’m not sure…”
“That’s a great book. I remember you being a bookworm.”
He remembers… that?
“Noah…?”
“What?”
“I’m trying to think but I can’t. This is very important.” I don’t want to fly. I don’t want to fly. I don’t want to fly. Oh, that. “A new place just opened up on Robson. We can go there! Good idea, right???” She gave him a crazed look and two thumbs up. “We are not flying, right? Noah? We don’t need to fly, you know.” Desperate. She was getting desperate.
He laughed. “Wait, are you afraid of flying? You can’t be! You’re a member of the Young Aviator’s Club!”
“Was a member. I was a member. Was.”
“Maia, I did not mean to remind you of…. I am the one flying this time... Don’t you trust me?”
I will go with you anywhere. Anywhere. But how do I get out of flying? How do I not ruin this?
“I want our first date to be special. And since it is a date, we have to abide by tradition.”
A date. The magic word. Finally, he said it. I have to fly now. I have to. She closed her eyes and breathed deep
ly. And a loop. We have to perform a loop.
“A loop. We have to perform a loop.”
“It’s crazy, I know. But we can’t break tradition. Just one full loop. No barrel rolls.”
“No barrel rolls. Right. That does not make it less frightening, Noah.”
“I’ve clocked in several flight hours, Maia. I’ve done loops before.”
It’s crazy all right. I’m crazy to say yes to this.
“Yes?” she heard him saying.
Why do I have to fall for an excitement junkie? He’s so much like Dad…That quieted her. She also can’t speak, so she nodded.
“Maia, are you mad? If you don’t really want to fly...”
I’m mad but not in the way that you think. She gave him a thumbs up.
In 10 minutes, they arrived at the hangar. Noah stopped the car and faced her. Surprised, she too faced him. He touched her cheek and leaned over as if to kiss her. Maia fumbled with the car door and let herself out. She almost stumbled and fell.
Noah got out of the car and tried to catch her. “You okay?”
She felt a little weak-kneed but managed a nod. Too fast, too fast. Things are going too fast.
“Sorry…” She did not like this. Or maybe she liked it. She was not sure.
“Oh, I was just going to remove an eyelash from your cheek. But it’s gone now. Funny Maia...” Noah touched the tip of her nose, teasing her, eyes twinkling. She shook her head, again not trusting herself to speak.
Someone said if you have nothing good to say, don’t say anything at all. And by nothing good, I mean wicked. And wicked means I want to be kissed. Noah, you see, I have lots to say. But I’m confused too. What am I doing here with you?
They walked to one of the planes, one she recognized.
“We’re taking her?”
Sky Dancer. Blue and sleek and shiny and fast. The plane she flew during her first – and only – Cessna flight. Her head started to spin.
“You still remember how to fly?”
“No!!! Noah!!! You said...?” She thought she might cry.
“I’m just teasing... but don’t you think about it? I thought you liked flying. When you quit the club – it surprised me.”
“So the tradition does not apply to me? Am I out of it then? I’m an ex-member.” She beamed.
“You know the tradition applies to ex-members too. But why did you quit the club? You never told me... Okay, okay… I know the plane dropped in altitude but it’s just slight, nothing to worry about. I didn’t even think you noticed. And we got it under control... Remember?”
How can I forget?
“I’m not sure why I’m talking about this...But did I say anything? Did I do anything that upset you in some way?”
She stared at him.
“No. Not you. It wasn’t you.”
It’s me. Because I heard a whisper. I almost killed you because of that whisper. And if we went down right here, exactly right here, maybe I would have annihilated half the people on the ground too.
“I… I was just not ready. And Dad… well… he let it go…”
“Whatever the reason, it’s okay. You’re here, you’re with me. I’ll take care of you. Hop on.”
Still shaken, she hopped aboard.
When she sat next to Noah (too close but she cannot complain) and he started the engines, her heart stopped beating. He held her hand, let go of her hand, held her hand – she became too lightheaded to really notice. When the plane took off, the emotions within her made her feel like a leaf trashed about by big strong winds.
A view of the horizon in the distance startled her. A line, barely perceptible, appeared. The sky and the ground are kissing, she thought in her befuddled mind. I don’t want to be kissed. I want to be kissed. The sky turned crimson. The ground soon followed and became tinged with the same blush. The blush advanced and roasted the sky and earth with slow fire. Then darkness came. And just like that, stars came out and fell into place.
Maia felt alive, excited. She could not explain how, or why, but she did not feel frightened anymore.
Just like the first time.
Noah reached again for her hand and Maia held tight. He pressed her hand and climbed higher. She felt a sudden rush of euphoria.
I am flying again. With Noah. I don’t know how often I have dreamt about being with him... I wonder if he has dated other girls this way... Why do I have to ruin it?
Noah again pressed her hand, as if reassuring her.
I’m okay. I’m perfect. Flying is wonderful.
Then Noah performed the loop. Masterfully. She screamed.
Noah and Maia stood under the yellow awning of Noah’s favorite restaurant. A waiter appeared and opened the glass doors for them. When he saw Noah and Maia, he bowed from the waist down.
“Noah, Maia, welcome...”
“Did you just bow?”
The waiter smiled. “My name is Mario and I will be your server tonight. Let me take you to your seats.”
“You know our names.”
She thought she saw him wink at Noah. She gave Noah an amused look. “You know him.”
“He’s my best friend.”
“Oh. Really?”
Mario snickered but kept his face straight.
“Wonderful to meet you, Mario.”
“Same here, Maia.”
“Mario is the son of the owners and his parents kind of took me in. I worked here too during my spare time. A good four years, so I know everything and everyone pretty much. I can even cook for you if you want.”
“Really…? I mean, it is okay. You don’t have to.” Pilot, cook – what can this guy not do? Perfect. He’s perfect. She blushed at the thought.
“Let me show you around.”
Noah took her to see the owners, the kitchen and the cooks. He introduced her to everyone. Maia could not stop blushing. Finally, they sat.
“Do you like it? It’s nice, isn’t it...?”
“I think it’s great.”
Noah reserved a table on the restaurant’s patio, near the water. The cold balmy night cooled Maia’s skin (but not her over-stimulated imagination). She hugged her coat closer – she refused to give it to Mario – while Noah warmed her hands.
She turned her gaze to the boats, to the waves lapping at its hull. I could get used to this. Maybe I should move here. Poles stretched upwards to the darkening sky. Colorful sails coiled and uncoiled, flapping in the wind. Suddenly, the lights from the boats – like orchestrated magic – came to life. Fire slowly spreading. The water, blacker than black, shone with flickering flames. The wind shook the poles. Maia could see waves with ripples that had no end.
“White… Definitely white.”
“What’s white?”
“This,” she gestured to the scene. “This is white. It’s my friend, Elle. She expresses her feelings in colors. White means ‘very happy’. I thought it was cute and I sort of got into the habit…”
“Who’s Elle?”
“Oh, right. You never met her. She moved to the city after you left. She’s my best friend.”
“So this makes you very happy?”
She blushed (again) and nodded.
“Me too. I think it will be lovely to meet this Elle.”
A slight breeze made Maia shiver.
“You cold?”
“I’m okay.”
And she was. She was.
She caught Noah looking at her again and they both burst out laughing.
While they shared the special apple pie the restaurant was famous for, Noah casually took her hand and held it again. The lights dancing in the water caught her eye.
The water… it’s so dark, so deep. I know what’s under. Something blue, mysterious, real, solid… Maybe it’s older than any known thing. I still don’t know what it is exactly, or what it means. But what I’d give to find out.
The one yet many voices came to her: A wall. A great wall.
Startled, she stood up and looked around.
�
��Oh, did you need to go to the washroom? It’s over there.”
“Did you say something?”
“No, I… What’s wrong?”
“Nothing… I just thought I heard something…”
“Oh, maybe you heard one of the fishermen on the quay…?”
No, I heard that voice again but this time, it sounded near… Where is it coming from?
“You okay?”
“Oh yeah…. Yeah. Maybe it’s the fishermen…”
“You look so… pensive. What are you thinking about?” He grinned. “I can’t quite figure you out. One moment you’re hilarious, the next you’re poetic, now, you look so serious. It’s actually... enchanting.”
She stared at him, not trusting herself to speak. She continued to hear the voices.
Look for the wall. The wall. It will make you remember.
“Wow, those thoughts are really deep…”
“You’re sure you can’t hear anything?”
“No. What is it, Maia?”
In the great expanse of the Pacific Ocean, there are lines. But there is a particular line – a blue line – I think it’s special. I think it means something. I told no one except my best friend because I think I should keep it a secret. It circumnavigates half of the globe. Or maybe I have not yet found the other half. A line that maybe is a wall. It is somewhere deep, and I cannot wait to find out if what the voices are saying is true…
Did he just say I’m enchanting?
“Very deep...”
Can he read my mind?
“Can you read my mind?”
“You’re too funny. Of course, I can’t.” He chuckled.
She sighed in hopefully, not too obvious relief.
“It’s nothing… just… I have something I need to do with Elle. But let’s not talk about me, let’s talk about you. So... do you fly a lot?
Have you taken other girls on plane rides?
“Whenever I can…”
He looked at her intently. “I’m not sure I want to go back.”
Did he just change the subject?
“Sorry but you have to bring me home…”
She did not understand.
“I mean I don’t want to go back for senior year…”
