“Considering you’re sleeping with your boss, that works.”
Juliet laughed. “And speaking of people you’re sleeping with, call him. Get his side of the story. Assuming things has never helped anyone.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
My phone dinged notifying me of a text. Juliet got up and grabbed my phone. It’s him.
I took the phone from her. Hey, heard you lunched with my mom. Did she share embarrassing stories? ;)
I set the phone down.
“What? You’re not going to reply to him?”
“I already told you. I can’t handle it right now. I have to get my essay done for creative writing.”
“Putting it off isn’t going to help.” Juliet walked over to her desk again. “Besides, how can you even concentrate? You’ll be more productive if you call first.”
“That’s only true if the call goes well. If it doesn’t, I’ll be less productive.”
“You’re already assuming the worst. How would talking to him possibly mess you up more?”
“Thinking something is true is different than knowing it for certain.”
Juliet packed up a few books. “I’m leaving so you can call with privacy. Call me if you want to talk afterward.”
“I’m not calling.”
“Yes, you are.” She patted me on the shoulder. “And good luck with the essay.”
“Thanks.” I sat down at my desk and opened the top to my laptop. No matter what Juliet said, I wasn’t calling him. I’d much rather stay in my little bubble and avoid the confrontation.
My phone dinged again. I tilted the screen to face me. You there, babe? I miss you.
I hadn’t even set the phone aside before I got another text. This one was from Rachel. Come on, Carol isn’t that bad. It’s good you got to talk to her. I’m sorry for running out on you though.
I wasn’t willing to ask Chase about it, but Rachel might be the right one to approach. Why wouldn’t Chase invite me to the lake?
Because you have school?
I’m out in time. He knew that. He told his mom that.
Oh. I’ll ask Riley.
No. Don’t.
You sure?
Yes. I’ll figure it out.
Just call him. I’m sure he has his reasons. Guys are weird like that.
Yeah, I’m sure.
Don’t make a bigger deal out of this than it has to be. Chase is crazy about you.
Thanks.
Chase’s next text came through at that moment. Did my mom scare you off? Did she start showing baby pictures or something?
I sighed and tossed my phone into my desk drawer. I needed some space from everyone. I packed up my laptop and tossed in my wallet before heading downstairs. The one place I wouldn’t run into someone was the library, so that’s exactly where I went.
There was something freeing about being without my phone. It’s like somehow I was leaving the stress behind. Maybe there was something to be said about the idea of unplugging. For the first time in years, no one would have been able to get a hold of me.
I stopped to get a coffee before setting up at a table deep in the stacks. I was feeling ridiculously anti-social, and I knew the only way I was going to get the essay done was to be by myself. We were supposed to be writing about identity, and after some thought, I knew exactly what to write.
Identity. No one tells you how important this word is. They lecture you about studying, and being nice, and giving back—but no one tells you that you can’t truly accomplish any of those things until you can define yourself.
We all have one. Sometimes our perception of ourselves is so completely distorted from reality, other times it’s spot on. My problem with identity is that in our world it’s become more about what you do rather than who you are. This makes it ever changing, and impossible to hold onto.
I stopped typing. I’d have to rework the opening line, but it was a start. It was more words than I’d had five minutes before. The prompt had hit home with me more than any of the others. I felt like the entire semester had been a constant struggle to figure out who I was. But the reality was, it was all going to keep changing.
Struck by ideas, I dove back into the essay. I’d been tentative about taking a creative writing class focused on non-fiction, but in the end, it was the right fit.
Two and a half hours later, I closed my laptop. I had a decent first draft that I’d hopefully be able to whip into shape before Tuesday night. I packed up my stuff and headed out. I tossed my half-full coffee into the trash. I must have been really out of it to throw out perfectly good coffee.
My roommates were both out when I got home, so I grabbed my phone. Nearly three hours gone, and I only had a few missed calls from Chase. It turns out, unplugging was easier than I thought. I was about to set aside my phone when I got an idea.
I hit send to a contact I’d never called before.
“Cara? Did you call the wrong number by mistake?” Len joked.
“Nope. I need to talk to you. Is Chase around?”
“Uh, oh. Listen, Cara. You’re hot and all, but you’re also dating my brother.”
“Dream on. I’m being serious. Is he around at all or not?”
“No. What’s up?” His tone became serious. It was a tone I’d never heard in Len’s voice before.
“Why wouldn’t Chase want me to go to your lake house?”
“Uh, is this a trick question? What am I not getting?”
“Be serious, Len. He was supposed to invite me and didn’t.”
“Did you ask him?”
“No.”
“Because that would be the easier way to find out.”
“Len!”
“Relax. I don’t know. Maybe he’s nervous about introducing you to Ariana or something.”
“Oh.” Wow, that was straight to the point.
“Oh, don’t you dare.”
“What?” I tried to clamp down on the dull ache forming in my chest.
“Get all moody and jealous and shit. She’s an ex-girlfriend. Emphasis on ex. It’s not always fun to introduce the new girl to the old one though, you know?”
I didn’t know. What I knew was that my last boyfriend had been screwing his ex the whole time we were together. I also knew that Aaron never wanted me to go home with him. He’d made up excuses every time he went back, and I’d been too stupid to see through it. I wasn’t making that mistake again. “You’re right. Thanks.” I hung up, trying to decide if the awful feeling in my gut was real intuition or just my own insecurities talking.
On impulse, I set up my laptop. Chase said that nearly all of his music came from personal experience and feelings. Maybe there was something in his music that would give me a clue. I searched "Chance of a Lifetime” and “Ariana.” A whole bunch of results showed up all relating to one particular song. The Lake House. My chest clenched. He’d never played that song for me, and then I remembered something else. That was the song the crowd had begged him to play. But he wouldn’t. Was it because of me?
I mustered the nerve and clicked on the first result that contained the lyrics. Moments later, I’d wished I hadn’t. Filled with descriptions of love and sex, the song had me wanting to throw my laptop through the window. I’d thought the songs he’d written for me were sweet, but this was something else. Although laced with sadness, it was intense and raw. And real. There was a level of emotion in Lake House he’d never put in my songs, and that reality hit me like a ten pound weight. Even if Chase wasn’t fooling around behind my back, he didn’t love me. At least not in the true never-ending way he’d obviously felt for this other girl.
For a moment, I wondered if I was reading too much into things, but I refused to believe that. I went back and continued through the results. I clicked on a link to an interview Chase had done a few years back. Worse than the lyrics was the picture that accompanied the article. There was Chase holding a girl from behind with a big goofy grin on his face. His guitar was slung over his shoulder. The girl
looked nothing like me. With jet black hair, and a model’s thin and straight figure, she looked so much more natural next to him. The caption below it read, “Chase Denton and his muse, Ariana.”
I left the site and deleted both pages from my browsing history. I didn’t want to accidently click on it and read those lyrics or see that picture again. Maybe Carol was trying to send me a message at lunch. Did she want me to stay away from Chase? My head spun with what ifs. I needed to handle things right. Chase didn’t even live in the same city. It wouldn’t be like Aaron. It didn’t have to be some big over the top emotional breakup. I’d just distance from him, and he’d get the hint and move on. He could get back with Ariana or someone else he did love.
I picked up my phone and texted Chase back. Sorry. Really busy right now.
Can you talk?
No. Sorry. I’m at. I started to type the library but I deleted it. I wasn’t going to lie. I left it at No. Sorry and hit send.
:( When are you free? Any time before nine works for me.
Maybe tomorrow. I’d calm myself down by then.
My phone rang. Hadn’t I just told him I couldn’t talk?
I hesitated for a moment but decided that getting the phone call over might be the best bet. “Hi, Chase.”
“Finally. Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. Just stressed about school and stuff.”
“Are you sure that’s it?”
“What else would it be?”
“You were fine when we talked last night. You met my mom, and now you seem mad at me. Did she say something about me? She seemed to think you guys hit it off, but clearly that wasn’t how you felt.”
The normal Cara would have assured him everything was okay and gotten off the phone, but I wasn’t that Cara anymore. “Why didn’t you invite me to the lake house?”
“What? How’d you even know about that?”
“Okay, point made. Have a good show, Chase.”
“Wait? What? I’m just curious. Did my mom mention it?”
I sighed. “Yes. She asked whether I’d decided if I was coming. And don’t bullshit that you didn’t want me to miss class or anything. She already knew I would be done for the semester.”
“Cara. It’s not what you think, or at least not anything that should be making you this mad and upset.”
“I’m not mad or upset.”
“Yes, you are.” His voice softened. “I know your voice.”
“I just wanted this to be real. I wanted us to be real. But I’m the idiot. Again.”
“Whoa. What are you talking about? Why wouldn’t we be real? Are you that upset I didn’t invite you on a trip?”
“No. It’s why you didn’t. And what your songs for me feel like. And how you aren’t in love with me, even though you pretend to be.”
“What the fuck? Where is this coming from? What do you mean what my songs feel like? And damn it, Cara, you know I love you.”
“I have to go.” I hung up, and let the tears start. I knew the tears weren’t just about Chase. They were about Aaron, and how completely strange I felt in my own skin. Something had to give. I’d thought dating Chase would help me move on, but I was starting to doubt it.
Chase called back, and I forced myself to pick up. I owed it to both of us to have this conversation out. “Hi.”
“Cara, I talked to Len. This is about Ariana, isn’t it? You think I’m doing what your ex did?”
When I didn’t answer at once he continued. “You know that’s not what’s happening. I’m the one who pushed for exclusivity from the beginning. Ariana and I have been done for over a year.”
I wiped away the tears from my eyes. “Then, why didn’t you invite me?”
“This is going to make me sound weak, but I’d prefer that to you somehow thinking I didn’t want you to come. She’s engaged, and I really don’t want to see it. I just wanted to go away somewhere alone with you.”
His words felt real, but what did it mean that he didn’t want to see the girl with someone new? “If you’re over her, why does it matter that she’s moved on?”
He sighed. “Would you want to see Aaron with someone else? Not to pour salt in a wound, but think about it. No matter how badly a relationship ends, it’s still hard to watch them happy with someone else. Maybe what makes it harder is that deep inside, you don’t want to see them happy. Wow, I just said that out loud.”
“Your breakup wasn’t a clean one?”
“Not by a long shot.”
I sat down on my bed.
“Do you have time to talk? I don’t want to tell this story twice, so I’d rather know you’ll hear me out.”
“Okay.” I nodded even though he obviously couldn’t see me through the phone.
“Can we video chat? I need to see you.”
“I don’t kno—”
“I’m calling.”
Moments later, the alert showed up on my tablet. I clicked accept.
“Oh, babe. I’m sorry.”
I sniffled, trying to compose myself.
“All this over a misunderstanding? I should have just told you.” He looked completely distraught.
“It’s not your fault, and it was still good for me to find out the truth.”
“The truth? Is this about the song lyrics again?”
“Partly.”
“Ariana and I dated for five years. Five years. Then out of the blue, she dumped me, telling me it didn’t feel right anymore. No more explanation. It killed me at first, ate me up, but then as time passed, I realized I felt the same way. I just couldn’t accept it. That’s what the song is about. Lake House, that’s the one that made you jealous?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s not a love song. It’s a maybe someday song. It’s about having these idealized notions about a relationship you believe in so intensely that they replace the real thing.”
“I know how that feels.”
“Then you get why that song feels so emotional. Maybe I’m just better at conveying my sad emotions rather than the happy ones. If that’s the case, then I hope to never write a really good one about you.”
I laughed. “This is hard. Way harder than I expected.”
“The long distance part?”
“Yeah.”
“We probably jumped into this too fast. You weren’t ready. But that’s my fault, not yours. I just needed to have you in my life whether it was good for you or not.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is. You’re nineteen and in college, you deserve to have a college life.”
“What are you saying? Are you trying to break up with me?”
“No. Not at all.” He touched the screen and all I wanted to do was actually feel his touch. “I’m far too selfish for that. But we can’t do this the way we are. Listen, will you do something crazy for me?”
“Crazy?”
“Fly up to New York this weekend. I’ll be there for a few days. Come see me.”
“Fly up to see you?”
“I’ll buy your ticket. I just need to see you.”
“Really?” Would it be crazy to say yes? Less than twenty minutes earlier, I was ready to end our relationship.
“Yes. I don’t want you doubting how I feel about you, and I know I can’t prove anything over the phone. I want you to come to my home—I want you to see I’m not hiding anything.”
Half of me wanted to say yes, but the other half warned me not to. Then I remembered what next weekend was and my decision was made. “I can’t.”
His face fell. “You can’t or you won’t?”
“Both.” I swallowed hard. “First, I don’t want to visit your home unless you’re asking for the right reasons.”
“What do you mean? The right reasons?”
“Before today, were you going to invite me? Be honest.”
“I’ve been telling you how much I wanted to show you New York since I met you.”
“Yes, but did you have plans to invite me?”
“No.”
“Then you asking today is for the wrong reason. You feel bad, or you’re afraid of us breaking up, or something. It’s not because you want me there or because you need me there.”
“I do want you there. I love you, Cara.”
“And you know I’m in love with you, Chase. But love doesn’t make up for everything else. I’m not trying to end things, I’m just trying to make sure we move things at the pace they’re meant to be, and not at the pace we think they have to be. So, that’s why I won’t come.”
“Is the can’t reason different?” He crossed his arms. He was upset and wasn’t going to hide it.
“This is a big weekend for me. I’m doing that live broadcast from the Charleston Showcase with Jade and Kyle. This is really big for us—for me. It’s important.”
“Of course. I completely forgot. Of course you need to be there.” He sat up.
“A few months ago, I would have said yes. I would have thrown away an important opportunity to make a guy happy. But I’m not that girl anymore.”
“And I’m glad you’re not. I don’t want you to be that girl. You don’t have to bend to fit into my life. We fit just the way we are.”
“Did you really just say that?” I laughed.
“Yeah, I think I did.”
“I love you, my weird sexy boyfriend.”
He smiled. “Are we okay then? Do I need to worry about you? About us?”
“We’re fine. I’m fine. I just need you to be more open with me. I can’t really be mad though because I hold back plenty from you.”
“Anything I need to know about?” His eyes searched my face.
“I wasn’t going to even confront you about this. I was going to just let us fade.”
“The thing is, I wouldn’t have let that happen. I already told you I’m too selfish to let you go.”
“That’s not being selfish. Being selfish would be telling me my show isn’t important, or insisting that I drop everything for you. You’ve never asked that of me. I may have made fun of the bending analogy, but it’s true.”
“I just want this to work. I know we’re different, but that isn’t a bad thing.”
“I was jealous of more than the lyrics you know.” I felt the need to be honest.
“Oh?”
“I found a picture of you two on a website. You looked so good together—you matched.”
The Hazards of Sex on the Beach Page 19
