“It’s nothing.” He jerked it out of her grasp. “I don’t need a mother, Janice.”
He handed her the bottle and then made a careless bandage from a paper towel he snatched from beside the sink. He waited until she sank into the sofa, before settling into an overstuffed chair to her right. She wondered if he’d done it to hide his scars from her.
“Wanna tell me now what really brought you out here?” he asked. “We both know it wasn’t to talk about bulls.”
Heat inflamed her face to be called out for her subterfuge. “I saw Wade the other night and asked about you,” she confessed. “He said you could use an old friend—and frankly so could I. I’ve been away a long time now and I’ve lost touch with a lot of folks. Most of my connections were with the rodeos and I don’t do that anymore, so I guess I’m just feeling kinda lonesome.”
“And you wanna be friends?” He snorted.
“Yeah. Why’s that so funny?”
“Because we’ve had this conversation before, Red. I told you a long time ago that men and women can’t be friends. Sooner or later…” He let his words die off with a shrug.
“But time changes things, Dirk. People change.”
He laughed outright this time. “Don’t know why you think time makes any difference. I haven’t changed genders and haven’t changed my views either.”
But he had changed in a lot of other ways. He’d become hard, wary, and cynical. She was comfortable with the old Dirk, but this version was different. He seemed edgy and volatile. She knew she’d changed a lot too, but in less obvious ways. His wounds were visible; hers were well hidden.
“For my part,” he continued, “I’d only find the whole thing frustrating as hell if you started coming around, and I already have enough frustrations without adding to them. I hate to be so blunt, but I’d rather save us both the trouble and cut through the bull. If you came only looking for polite conversation, you’ve knocked on the wrong door.” His eyes drifted slowly over her with the kind of look that made her insides stir. In reality, his gaze hadn’t left her since the moment he’d closed the door.
She fully understood the implication, his interest in things other than conversation was perfectly clear. Still watching her, Dirk took a long swig from his beer. Janice hadn’t taken a single sip of hers. She shifted uneasily. For the second time she felt the impulse to take flight. Coward. You know why you came.
She’d been with two men in her entire life—Dirk and Grady. She’d lost her virginity to the former and her innocence to the latter.
Sex had been second only to bull riding with Grady. And he was just as rough and aggressive—especially when the adrenaline was still raging after a ride. And he liked trash talk. The raunchier the better. It was titillating at first but the novelty had quickly worn away. Then there were other women. Lots of women. He was discreet in the beginning but later… No matter how hard she tried, Grady could never get enough and she could never be enough.
The years with Grady had shaken her confidence to the core. If it wasn’t for that one night she’d spent with Dirk, she might have been turned off from sex for good. For ten years Janice had held that memory close to her heart. They’d connected on a level she’d never experienced with Grady. It gave her hope that she could still have a normal relationship, a normal life. She was desperate to reclaim that intimacy, but now that the moment she’d fantasized about for so long had come, she was suddenly terrified.
What if this was another mistake?
They were both so different now. Although their shared history still bound them, the old camaraderie was gone. There was a tension between them now. An edge. Even now he was studying her in that unnerving and wolfish way.
She concentrated on scraping the label from the bottle with her thumbnail. It was decision time. She could get up and walk out, or she could take whatever he was willing and able to give. She was so tired of feeling alone…of being alone.
Her heart hammered a rapid tattoo as she looked up and took the plunge. “What if I didn’t come for polite conversation?”
“Then I’d say be damned careful what you wish for.” His throat worked on a hard swallow. “You don’t want to get involved with me, Red,” he warned her. “I’m a fucking mess—inside and out. If you have any sense, you’ll get up and walk out that door. Right. Now.”
His words were harsh and self-deprecating, but Janice read the truth flickering in his blue eyes—he was every bit as scared as she was. What were they both so afraid of? It wasn’t even their first time together.
No more regrets.
Her lips curved into a sad smile. “I don’t have much sense. Used it all up, I guess. ’Sides, you might not be getting the best bargain either, cowboy.”
* * *
He stared at her in incomprehension, his mind still reeling at her appearance. He still couldn’t believe she’d walked into his life after all this time. He didn’t understand her motivation either, but did he really care? He’d done his best to warn her, to chase her off even. He hadn’t exaggerated. He was a fucking wreck, one that no sane woman would take on. But here she was, sane or not, and he wanted her with a desire that penetrated his marrow. The same need shone in her eyes, the kind of deep physical, gut-wrenching need that he shared, and the only kind he could fulfill.
He mumbled a stream of curses before hoisting himself to his feet. “Last chance, Janice. I can only fuck things up and make you miserable. It’s all I’ve ever been good at.”
Nevertheless, he offered his hand.
Her brown eyes met his unwavering. “I’m a big girl, Dirk. I think I can take it.”
The softness in those eyes betrayed her tough words. That same softness and vulnerability cried out to him. After six years in the marines, there was nothing soft left in him. He wanted to bury himself in it…in her.
The words had barely left her mouth before he jerked her to her feet. The bottle flew out of her hands to explode in a foamy mess all over the oak plank floor. He didn’t care. The only thing that mattered was his mouth devouring hers. Her hot, wet tongue tangling with his. The feel of her silky hair in his fisted fingers, the faint scent of vanilla, her body molding to his.
Mutual desire flared instantly. Urgently, obliterating indecision. Supplanting uncertainty with sensation. His mouth came down on her neck, sucking and biting while his hands tore at her blouse. One sound jerk had her pearl snaps sounding like Jiffy Pop. Then his heavily callused hands were on her breasts, fondling, squeezing. He wasn’t gentle. But neither was she.
Panting. Groping. She fumbled with his shirt buttons and then gave up, wrapping her hand around the throbbing bulge in his jeans, fondling him through the thick denim with one hand while yanking frantically at his belt buckle with the other. In a frenzy of lust, he guided her body, backing her up to the sofa. “Boots. Off,” he commanded.
Gripping his shoulders for balance, Janice toed off one boot and then the other. He peeled away her blouse. She unhooked her bra, letting it drop to the floor, his gaze following her every move with increasing hunger. Peeking through her lashes, she cupped and squeezed her breasts.
He groaned, then buried his face between them. She was working on his zipper when his mouth closed over her beaded nipple, drawing it into his mouth, alternating between soft bites and steady sucking until she threw her head back with a sob. He released her nipple to nuzzle his way to her other breast, scraping his teeth over her skin. Still kissing, biting, and sucking her breasts, he unzipped her jeans. His hands shook as he stripped them off, peeling them down over her hips.
She stood in just her panties. They were white and edged with lace—simple, but still sexy—much like Janice.
“Take them off,” he said, his throat suddenly feeling full of gravel.
She ran her fingers provocatively along the waistband before sliding them off.
Their gazes met. His need was s
o bad his eyes were crossing but he had to hear her say it. “You sure about this?”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“Good. Gimme just a minute.”
He stalked toward the bathroom, flinging open the medicine cabinet and then rifling through every drawer, hoping like hell one of the stock hands had left a condom behind. Nothing. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
He went next to the bedroom, cursing another stream of invectives until he found a lone foil packet in the nightstand beside the bed. Thank you, sweet Jesus. But when he finally returned, Janice was curled up in the corner of the sofa, knees against her chest, chewing her thumbnail. Shit. He’d taken too long. She’d changed her mind.
“Having second thoughts?”
“No, but…” She bit her lip.
“But what?”
“It’s just…I need…I need you to be patient with me, all right?”
Patient? He had a raging erection. His balls throbbed for release. His patience was a fine thread that was damned close to snapping. She was gonna kill him by slow torture.
“It’s been a long time for me too,” she blurted, “over four years.”
“Four?” He digested that slowly. “Grady’s only been gone for three.”
“That’s right. Things weren’t good between us, Dirk. Not for a long time…there were a lot of…problems.” She averted her gaze. “You can’t understand how it was, and I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I tried to warn you about him, but you wouldn’t listen. You chose Grady.”
“Choice? What choice?” she cried. “My father was dying and I had a business and a ranch to run. I couldn’t do it alone. Grady said he’d take care of me. I needed someone, and he was there.” Her eyes spoke the rest. You weren’t.
The unspoken words were like a knife to his gut. His conscience twisted that knife. No, she couldn’t have done it alone. Hell, no one could have handled that much responsibility flying solo, let alone a twenty-one-year-old girl. He’d walked away, leaving her vulnerable. He’d let Grady have her without putting up a fight, and Grady had done exactly what Grady had always done. Married or not, he rode bulls, drank, and whored.
Dirk had lived with the guilt over it for ten years. A powerful surge of it hit him now. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you then, but I’m damn sure in no better shape now! What the fuck do you want from me?”
Her eyes widened. He could almost hear her jaw click shut. Then suddenly she was on her feet. Dirk watched motionless and wooden-faced as she snatched up her clothes and disappeared into the bathroom. She reemerged a few minutes later, fully dressed and stomping into her boots. “I don’t want anything from you and certainly don’t need any abuse. I thought you were worth it, but maybe you’re not.”
Her tearful words ripped through him, making his chest feel tight. The constriction increased the closer she got to the door, until he almost couldn’t breathe, but he had no more words. What else could he say? It was all truth. And the truth hurt sometimes.
Nevertheless, he’d never felt so wrong as when he watched her walk out the door.
Chapter 13
A week later, Dirk walked into the Pioneer. It was a slow night. Janice had finished wiping down tables and was polishing the glasses. She’d sworn to banish all thoughts of him, but it was much easier when he wasn’t standing right in front of her—looking too damn good for her peace of mind.
He wore his town hat and boots with new jeans and a starched white twill dress shirt open at the collar. His scars weren’t obvious from this distance and he reminded Janice far too much of the “old” Dirk. But it was time to let go of the past. Maybe the man she’d built up in her mind for so long never really existed…or maybe she’d never really known him at all. She’d expected too much.
He hadn’t been there for her ten years ago when she’d needed him. Part of her had understood his reasons. He wasn’t ready to settle down. How many twenty-two-year-olds were? But the other part of her resented him for leaving. She’d gone to him last week looking for comfort, for a shoulder to lean on, and he hadn’t even offered her that shoulder. She’d beat herself up all week for making a fool of herself over him. She’d sworn when she came home to Montana that she’d move forward with her life. All she could do now was promise herself not to repeat her mistakes—and Dirk Knowlton now topped her list of biggest mistakes.
Although she tried not to acknowledge him, the bartender was in the back taking inventory with the owner. Otherwise, the place was almost empty. Not that it mattered. Dirk wasn’t about to be ignored. He sat down on the stool directly in front of her.
“Evenin,’ Red.” He tipped his hat.
She wanted to ignore him, but he just sat there watching her, seeming to pay particular attention every time she reached up over the bar to take down or replace a glass, which put her breasts right at his eye level. His blatant interest made her feel nervous and clumsy.
“Do you have to stare?” she finally snapped.
He cocked a lopsided grin. “Can’t blame a man for enjoying the landscape. You look good, Red…real good.”
“What can I get you?” she asked tersely.
“Whatever’s on tap.”
She filled a mug and plopped it down in front of him.
He closed his hand over hers before she could snatch it away. His smile disappeared. “I came to talk to you.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” She jerked her hand away from his and reached over the bar for the next glass.
“Bullshit. There’s a lot that needs sayin’.”
“Like what?” she replied.
“First off, I never should have let you walk out like that.”
She shrugged. “What’s done is done. And this isn’t the time or the place to hash through it. I’m working.”
“Look, Red, I’ve been chewing on all this for days. I’m just asking you to hear me out.”
“All right.” He obviously wasn’t leaving till he had his say. She dropped her towel on the bar and settled her hands on her hips. “Go on. Speak your piece and be done.”
“I was an asshole the other day.”
“You got that right. What else you got?”
“I wanna make it up to you.”
She frowned. “How?”
“I think we can help each other.”
She held his gaze, her curiosity piqued despite her resolution to have nothing more to do with him. “What do you mean by that?”
“I’m planning to expand my operation as soon as I can get a few details ironed out.”
“Expand? How can you do that when your brother’s trying to sell out?”
His expression darkened. “I’ll deal with Wade when the time comes. But it’s not come yet. I’m not ready to give up. I think I’m onto something that’ll turn us around. I just need more time…and some help.”
“You want my help,” she scoffed. “What makes you think I’m interested? You’re the one who said men and women can’t be friends, remember?”
“I’m sorry how I reacted the other day. And I was afraid you might not be amenable after what happened, but I’m talking strictly business now, Red. You said you came home looking for ranch work, and I need a competent hand.”
He was offering her a job? Janice stared at him in incredulous silence and then answered with a snort. “Let me get this straight. You want me to work for you?”
“Yeah. It makes a lotta sense. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me when you came out, but I wasn’t exactly thinking straight. I’m sorry for acting like a dickhead. All I can offer by way of excuse is that I had the missing cattle and Allie to deal with, and then you turned up out of the blue. Shit, I didn’t know up from down. Can we please just set all that aside and start over?”
“What do you have in mind?”
“It’s only part-time right now with we
aning and preg checks coming up, but it’ll become full-time once the cows start dropping their calves. Since you’re one of the best hands I know, I wanted to offer you the job.”
She shook her head knowing this whole proposition reeked of trouble. “I don’t know, Dirk. I don’t think it’s a good idea, you and me working together.”
“Be pissed at me all you like, Janice. I deserve it, but don’t blow off my offer so fast.” His blue eyes held hers. “You need work and I need help I can count on. It’s as simple as that. Just think about it, will you?”
He seemed so contrite that it would be easy to forgive him, but then again, he deserved to squirm at least a little after the way he’d acted. She propped her elbows on the bar and leaned toward him, giving him an up close and personal view of what he’d so openly admired. She felt a tug of self-satisfaction when he shifted in his seat.
She pursed her lips and then answered noncommittally, “Yeah, I’ll think about it.”
Dirk retrieved his wallet and slapped down a twenty and a business card. “Here’s my cell number. Call me when you decide.” His mouth kicked up in one corner. “I can’t promise you great pay, but the hours are grueling.”
He slid off the stool and walked out before she could give him change.
He hadn’t even touched his beer.
* * *
Although Dirk avoided town as much as possible, he’d had no choice but to go in to see Janice. For the past week he’d tried to dismiss her from his mind and just focus on work, but she continued to infiltrate his thoughts. Part of him said to let it go, that it would be stupid as hell to get involved, but seeing her had unbalanced him. He’d thought about nothing but work for so damned long. She’d made him realize just how lonely and isolated he’d become. She was also a painful reminder of all his mistakes and regrets—of everything he didn’t want to think about.
But he’d hurt her and he just couldn’t live with that. He’d never be able to rest easy until he at least tried to make it right again. That wasn’t to say he wanted any romantic entanglement. He didn’t. He was way too far gone for that. He could never be what she needed, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t help her out. So he’d made the offer. The next move was hers.
Rough Rider Page 16
