Janice drew a deep breath against a sudden wave of nausea. In truth, the revelation had come as much of a shock to her as it had to him. “You’ve got to know I never would have dropped a bomb like that on you. Not in a million years.” She averted her gaze and reached for another box. He laid his hand over hers.
“Answer the question, Red.”
Her gaze flickered upward, from the hand that covered hers and then back to his face. His expression was grim, his gaze searching. Janice sank her teeth into her bottom lip. “I don’t know for certain, but I think maybe—”
“How can you not know?” Dirk cried.
“Because it was only that one time between you and me. And even then, we used protection. After that, I was only with Grady and we didn’t use anything, least not after he said he wanted to marry me.”
“You never questioned? Never wondered?”
“Did you?” she threw back at him. “You saw Cody when he was about five. Did it ever occur to you that he could be yours?”
“No. Why would I?”
She cocked her head. “So you think I have ESP or something?”
“Shit I don’t know. Aren’t women supposed to just sense these things?”
She shook her head on a sigh. “Maybe a tiny part of me always wondered if he could be yours, but I pushed it down, not wanting to think about it too hard. Life with Grady was complicated enough. It wasn’t until your mother said something that I even noticed the resemblance between you and Cody. I’d never seen it before, but then the photo hit me like a bolt from the blue. Other than my coloring, he does look just like you. But this doesn’t make any difference, Dirk.”
“The hell it doesn’t! You’re not going anywhere with my son.”
“He’s my son,” she replied in steely tones. “There’s no proof of anything beyond that.”
“Damn it all. That was not what I came here to say.” Dirk snatched off his hat and threw it down with a curse. “This is not how this was supposed to go down. Shit! I’m only here five minutes and I’ve already fucked the whole thing up.” He grasped her chin and tilted it upward until she was looking straight into his eyes. “Janice, please listen to me. You asked me a while back why I left you in Cheyenne. Why I joined the marines? I need to tell you the whole truth of it.”
She turned slowly, hands on hips. “I’m listening,” she replied, feeling wary but keeping her tone and expression neutral.
“I knew ten years ago that you were the one for me. But by the time I finally decided to tell you that it was done between Rachel and me, when I finally pulled my head out of my ass, it was too late. I’d waited too damned long.”
“What did you expect from me?” Janice cried. “You took my virginity and then barely spoke to me for weeks—”
“Took? Seems to me it was an even exchange, sweetheart.”
“Maybe that’s true, but how could I know you gave a damn about me by the way you acted?”
“I told you it was a big mistake. I never should have let you walk out of the Outlaw that night. I should have gone after you then. I should have made you listen. I should have protected you from Grady.”
She was hanging on every word she’d waited ten long years to hear. She could barely swallow, let alone speak. “If you cared at all,” she whispered, “why didn’t you speak up before?”
He grasped her by the shoulders in an almost painful grip. “You listening good?”
Janice nodded.
“Because I was having trouble dealing with it. Because I was a chickenshit. A coward. Plain and simple. I knew that if we got together, I’d never leave Montana—I’d never leave you—and that scared the hell out of me. I just didn’t feel ready. By the time I worked through it you were with Grady.” He raked a hand through his hair. “I’ve screwed up so many times in my life that I’ve long lost count. I don’t want this to be another one. I’m not gonna lie. I still don’t feel ready, but I guess I never will be until I just cowboy up and deal with it. I want us to work this out.”
“You think that’s what Cody and I want? For you to deal with us? No thank you!” She spun away, fighting the tightness in her chest and the tears burning behind her eyes.
“Goddamnit. You’re twisting my meaning. That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what do you mean? I’m trying real hard to understand—”
* * *
He was nearly boiling over with frustration. He’d come to apologize to her, to try and make things right, but he just seemed to mangle his words at every turn.
“Fuck it! This is what I meant.” He yanked her into his arms, closing his mouth over hers, kissing her, on and on, long and fierce, refusing to let her go, refusing even to let her breathe. Dirk poured himself into the kiss that he hoped would overcome his ineptitude, the kiss that he hoped spoke for his heart. He released her slowly, knowing he’d laid it all on the table. There was nothing more he could say or do.
She stared back at him in silence and slowly shook her head.
It was done. Another royal fuckup. The lump in Dirk’s throat choked out any other remark he might have made. He picked up his hat and turned to leave.
She cocked a brow. “Where are you going?”
Dirk shrugged. “I’ve got nothing more to say.”
Her gaze met his. She licked her kiss-swollen lips. “Wait a minute, cowboy. I’m not really sure I understood all that.” She slid her hands up his chest, linking her fingers around his neck. His pulse sped up with rising hope. She drew his head down to hers and kissed him until his head reeled. “Is this what you meant?”
“Yeah, Red.” He grinned when she drew back. “I think that’s about the gist of it.”
He sat on the bed and hauled her onto his lap, wrapping his arms around her, holding her tight. “So, are you saying you’ll give us some time to figure this out?”
“Said I would before, didn’t I?” she replied stubbornly. “I’m not one to change my mind when I want something.”
“You sure you still want me?” he asked.
“Yeah, I am. I’m kinda obstinate that way. You think we can make this work?”
He dipped his forehead to touch hers. “I dunno, Red, but I sure wanna try.”
“I need you too, Dirk, and Cody needs a good man in his life.”
“And you think that’s me?” He shook his head with a scoffing sound.
“Yeah. I know it is.”
“I don’t want to let either of you down.”
“You won’t,” Janice reassured. “What are we going to tell Cody?”
“I think there’s no reason to say anything right now. I want to get to know the boy. I want us to be a real family, Red, but I want to build a genuine relationship with him first. I don’t want to force myself on him. If he accepts me in his own time and on his own terms, there won’t be any cause for resentment later. Can you understand that?”
“Yes, I do. Are you saying you don’t want a DNA test?”
Dirk considered the question. “No. Maybe one day, if Cody wants it, but it doesn’t matter to me anymore.”
Janice’s eyes misted. “You really mean that?”
“Said it, didn’t I?”
Dirk shoved the suitcase to the floor, wanting nothing more than to lay her down on the bed and kiss her senseless. He pushed the remaining clothing aside, grimacing at the pile of white cotton granny panties and cross-your-heart bras. He held up a pair with a scowl.
“Please tell me these aren’t yours.”
“No.” Janice laughed. “They’re Mama’s. I’m packing her things for her. She’s decided to move up to her cousin’s place in Helena.”
“So you weren’t packing to go back to Vegas?”
“No,” she said. “Told you I’m stubborn. I was hoping if I stuck around long enough, you’d eventually see the light.”
“I
’ve seen it all right, sweetheart. The whole damn sun is blazing in this room right now.”
Chapter 18
Janice backed the stock trailer slowly up to the gate where Dirk, Wade, and Cody stood ready to unload the last shipment of heifers. They’d hauled three stock trailers full of cattle they’d brought in from a big Wagyu outfit in Idaho.
“I still don’t know how you maneuver this great big thing,” remarked Wade’s fiancée Nikki.
“Years of practice,” Janice said. “I was driving a tractor before age ten, and a truck and trailer by fifteen.”
“Do you think you could teach me?” Nikki asked. “I might be a silent partner, but I really do want to learn about ranching.”
Janice was surprised at how eagerly the Georgia native had embraced the ranching life, especially given that only a few months ago Wade had wanted to sell out. Nikki’s investment in Flying K Wagyu had changed everything. It seemed that Dirk’s dream of turning the ranch around would finally come to fruition. Nikki’s twelve hundred acres in the Ruby Valley would provide mild winters and plentiful grass for Dirk’s cattle, and the free lease had allowed him to expand his herd with two more bulls and fifty cows and heifers. Most importantly, Nikki’s involvement had helped to end the long estrangement between the Knowlton brothers.
“Sure,” Janice replied. “I’m happy to teach you anything you want to know. We can practice driving in the pasture once the snow melts.”
She put the truck into park and shut off the ignition and then hopped down into the mud. The trailer shook as the men dropped the ramp to unload the cattle. The next few minutes passed in organized chaos as the lowing cows trotted off the trailer to join the rest of the herd.
Janice observed Dirk and her son with a smile. Cody had always been energetic, but he seemed to positively bloom whenever in Dirk’s company. Although she’d tried her best to fill the roles of both mother and father to Cody, it wasn’t until observing him and Dirk together that she’d realized how sadly insufficient she had been.
The boy had become Dirk’s shadow over the past couple of months. Dirk had shown infinite patience in teaching Cody how to ride, gather cows, and handle a rope. Although she’d been a little hurt that Cody had asked to ride with Dirk when they’d made their road trip to Idaho, she realized the time together would only strengthen their growing bond.
He now stood by the gate with prod in hand, intently watching and mimicking Dirk’s every move. “Hey, Mama!” he greeted her with a mile-wide grin. “Mr. Dirk has something real important to ask you.”
Dirk scowled. “This isn’t exactly the right time, Cody.”
“Oh yeah?” Janice looked from Cody to Dirk. “And why’s that?”
Dirk replied, “Because it’s not the kind of thing you discuss in the middle of a cow pasture.”
“Really? Then where do you suggest we discuss this thing?”
“How about over dinner tomorrow night?”
“Sure,” Janice replied. “I’ve got a lasagna made up that I was planning to pop in the oven. What time do you want to come over?”
Cody and Dirk exchanged a conspiratorial look. “Wade said he and Nikki would watch Cody so we can go out.”
“Out?” Janice repeated in surprise. It had been weeks since they’d gone anywhere without Cody. “You sure you two don’t mind?” Janice asked Nikki.
“Not at all. Why don’t we just keep him for the whole night?” Nikki replied with a wink.
“Think maybe you could put on that little black dress?” Dirk suggested.
“Sure,” Janice replied. The last time she’d worn it was their dinner at the Sacajawea. It was also the last full night she and Dirk had spent together. They’d only had stolen opportunities for intimacy since her mother had moved up to Helena. The memory of that night sent a ripple of lust through her. Dirk’s expression said he remembered it too.
* * *
“You ever gonna tell me what this big secret is?” Janice asked Dirk over dessert at Sir Scott’s Oasis, another steak house test-marketing Flying K’s American Kobe beef. “Cody looked like he was about to burst when we left tonight.”
Dirk chuckled. “He gets that trait from you, not me.”
“How is it going between you two?” Janice asked.
Dirk sobered. “He’s a great kid, Janice, and a credit to both of us. I just wish to hell I could have been part of his life sooner.”
“I do too, but all we can do now is make the most of the time we have.”
She deeply regretted that they’d lost all those years that they could have been a family, but there was no point in dwelling on past mistakes when they had a future to build.
“Speaking of building… Mama called this morning to say she and the ol’ man found a condo they like in Lake Havasu City. They want to sign the house over to me and remodel the bunkhouse for their summertime use. Which now leads to my big question…” He reached into his coat pocket.
Janice’s heart leaped into her throat when he pulled out a small velvet box.
“Is that what I think it is?”
“Yeah. I asked Cody yesterday. Rest assured he has given me his full blessing.” Dirk popped the box open. “I know I’m ten years late and it’s not as big as I would have liked—”
“It’s perfect,” she whispered. She licked her lips as her gaze met his.
“Will you marry me?” he asked. “Be my partner and my lover for the rest of my life? I can’t promise you much, Red, but I need you. Hell.” He laughed. “All I can guarantee you as a rancher’s wife is a lot of hard work.”
“I’ve never been afraid of hard work, and I want to help you, Dirk. Your dreams are my dreams now. For better or for worse, right?”
His hands shook as he slipped the ring on her finger. “Yeah, Red, that’s one promise I can make.” He brushed his lips over her face. “For better or for worse, but for damn sure never for granted.”
Epilogue
Three months later
Surrounded by close friends and family in the kitchen of the ranch house, a beaming Cody inhaled a lungful of air, puffed out his cheeks, and then squeezed his lids shut on a long, hard gust. When he opened his eyes again, they widened to comic proportions to discover all ten birthday candles still blazing. “I didn’t get none of ’em?” he cried in dismay.
“Guess you better try harder,” Dirk replied with a mischievous grin.
Janice hadn’t known until that instant that Dirk had switched out the birthday candles. His good-natured teasing and growing relationship with Cody warmed her heart, but today was a particular joy.
“You’ve both done wonders for Dirk,” her misty-eyed mother-in-law murmured beside her. “I haven’t seen this side of my son in years and didn’t think I’d ever see it again.”
“They’ve been good for each other,” Janice replied. In the few short weeks since she and Dirk had wed in a private ceremony at the Sacajawea, Cody had come to idolize his “stepfather.”
“Yes, they have been,” Donna agreed. “He loves that boy, Janice.”
“And Cody idolizes him in return. Dirk wants to go ahead with a legal adoption if Cody agrees. I think he plans to ask Cody later today.”
“Adopt his own son?” Donna looked aghast. “Aren’t you going to tell him the truth?”
“We’re not. At least not yet. It was Dirk’s decision, not mine,” Janice explained. “He said Cody’s been through enough. We won’t withhold anything he asks about, but we both want him to adjust gradually.”
“If you think that’s best…” Donna’s expression revealed her doubts.
“We believe it’s the best way,” Janice affirmed and then looked back to Dirk and Cody.
“You better take a bigger breath this time,” Dirk coached the boy.
Wade, an obvious co-conspirator, was capturing it all on video as Cody huffed and puffed a
nd then made his second valiant attempt to blow out the candles. This time he kept his eyes open. The candles sputtered only to reignite before his incredulous face.
“Hey! Wait a minute!” He flashed an accusatory look at Dirk and then Janice. “Is this some kinda trick?”
“What do you mean, Cody?” Dirk deadpanned.
Janice covered her mouth in an attempt to suppress the burst of mirth that bubbled in her chest, only to lose the battle when Dirk winked at her. A full-bodied chuckle erupted from her, echoed by Dirk’s baritone rumble.
“Hey! It is a joke!” Cody cried. “How do we put these out? I want some of Grandma’s chocolate cake.”
“Tell you what, partner, why don’t we let the women figure that out while we head out to the workshop?”
“What’s in the workshop?” Cody asked.
Dirk handed him a jacket. “It’s a surprise.”
“What is it?” Cody asked, bright-eyed, eagerly thrusting his arms into the new Carhartt jacket he’d wanted—the one just like Dirk’s.
“A birthday present,” Dirk insisted. “You’ll find out what it is when we get out there. Here. You should wear this too.” He thrust the black Stetson Wade and Nikki had gifted Cody onto the boy’s head.
“What kind of present?” Cody cajoled.
“The kind that’s a secret. Dang, boy. You’re as bad as your mother.” Dirk sent a mock glower Janice’s way.
“Why don’t you go out there too?” Donna suggested to Janice. “You won’t want to miss this. Nikki and I can serve up the cake.”
“So you know what this surprise is?” Janice asked Donna.
“I do. Justin and Dirk built it together.”
“What did they build?” she persisted.
Donna shook her head with a laugh and shooed Janice out the door, tossing her jacket after her. Janice chafed her arms and then pulled it on, following the fresh tracks in the snow to the workshop behind the house. She was only seconds behind the men, arriving just as Dirk instructed Cody to cover his eyes.
“No peeking,” Dirk commanded. He and Justin rolled back the workshop’s double doors. “OK. You can open now.”
Rough Rider Page 24
