“Well…lucky for you. The mist I gave Seron will turn his love to hate. He will kill Aurekdel. Yes, actually, it makes sense that his mind would target Aurekdel, because there is plenty of reason for love to turn to hate there. Maybe he will spare Himika. You will have to pray that is true.”
I guess a part of me thought Seron was invincible. I thought if I told him Himika’s name, he would remember his love for her, and he would find some way to break out. Then, it would all be worth it, even if something happened to me. I had some kind of dumb faith that good would prevail in the end or something, even though Himika’s father had already been killed. I really should know that sometimes, you can’t make it out.
Izeria was staring at me. I remembered, suddenly, that something was going to happen to me.
“What do you love more, Oszin? Your eyes, your hands, your tongue, your cock?”
“I need some time to think on that one,” I said. I don’t know how I managed to be so light-hearted when I knew it was all over. Now I realized it was the end, so…might as well, huh? This was a horrible, horrible failure and I felt oddly calm.
“If you can’t decide, I’ll take all four,” she said.
“My—tongue,” I said.
“All right,” she said softly.
I mean… At least I could still protect Himika and love her. If she’d have me, like that. I needed eyes and hands and a cock, for sure. Aurek managed to protect her all right without eyes, but I wasn’t Aurek.
The guards grabbed me and pulled a hood over my head.
My thoughts were getting very garbled and stupid. Moth is going to be really furious if I come home without a tongue. Would she say I should have gone for the eyes instead? But…no. They’re not even going to be nice blind eyes, they’re going to be gouged out or something. Wait, but Aurek said that the dragons make very realistic glass eyes too, so there’s that. Or are hands better? Nah. Not hands. Hands do all sorts of useful things. And definitely not the cock.
What hurts more, I wonder?
Gods…please. Please. Spare me.
At least help me not to scream too loud.
Could I fight? Could I kill myself somehow?
Is that better?
Holy shit. I’m actually thinking this through.
They dragged me into the throne room just like they’d done to Ijaru’s father, but I didn’t hear all the murmuring court. The room sounded pretty empty. I heard a few sets of footsteps shuffling around. It sounded like maybe there was one rock dragon slave scurrying around, and perhaps a few onlookers or guards. I didn’t smell any mist either.
“Come, Tanu,” Izeria said.
“Yes, my queen.”
I heard Seron stepping out of the shadows. His voice sounded dead. With the hood on my head, he wouldn’t recognize me. They had really fucked him up, somehow or other.
“Hold him tight,” Izeria said to the guards. “He said he wants to lose his tongue.”
The first two guards were holding my arms already, and now a couple more guards piled on, lifting the hood enough to grab my jaw and pry it open. I tried to twist and bite. They shoved something in my mouth so it couldn’t shut anymore. I struggled and someone slugged my stomach. I vomited painfully, unable to shut my mouth. I thought I would choke. I couldn’t see anything that was coming. Even when I retched on them, the guards didn’t let go.
I’d never been so scared in my life.
Izeria walked over to Tanu. “I want you to do it. Show me your strength.”
Truly, there was nothing I could do, because there were too many of them, and if I couldn’t speak or show my face, I knew Seron’s spell would hold. Even if Seron hesitated at the idea of cutting out my tongue, one of these other guards would do it. Izeria told me she wouldn’t kill me. But now I wished she would.
Just end it. Gods, just end it.
But even then, I thought of Himika’s face in tears. I suddenly knew that even if I was maimed, she would still love me. She would be gentle with me. I didn’t want to cause that dear girl any pain, when I had stood beside her for years of her own crippled bones and seen her cry and then pick herself up again.
Gods, lend me strength.
A big hand grabbed my tongue.
“Go on,” Izeria said.
“Why—am I doing this?” Seron asked. I heard a little glimmer of him fighting through the spell.
“Because this man is a spy for the high dragon king. We don’t want him to be able to talk anymore. He’s already said enough.”
Still, there was hesitation.
“How do I do it when he keeps moving around?“
“Best to just do it quickly,” one of the guards said. “And then we’ll cauterize—”
A door burst open, just as I thought I might shit myself. All the descendants of Kamiri slaves know, there is no dignity in torture and pain. My grandfather used to say it will strip a strong man down to nothing. He said he could never forget the sight of his own father being lashed by Gaermoni guards until his back was turned to battered meat and rivers of blood as he cried for mercy. I never really even knew what he was beaten for.
“What are you doing?” Rothair asked.
“Punishing this young man.”
“Zeze, we need to go. I have everything arranged. The wagons are waiting with the attu harnessed. The people are standing around with bags in their hands and babies on their backs. And you’re in here messing around. What is this about?”
“This man is a spy and a traitor!” she said. “Don’t call me Zeze.”
He walked up to her. “I think you’re just upset that Ezeru isn’t here. Is that it? But we don’t need him. I have all of this under control. Very good things are happening.”
“But—”
“You don’t need Ezeru,” Rothair repeated.
“But he was…he was my son.”
“He’s a rock dragon,” Rothair said.
Izeria swallowed heavily. “He’s not just a rock dragon.”
“He is far too much of a rock dragon and the sight of him disgusts me,” Rothair said in a louder voice.
“You were heartless. Just like our father. You could just throw him away like he was nothing to you. I thought I needed to be heartless too, just to toughen him up, and instead all I did is make him hate me, the way I hated Father.”
“Zeze, Father wasn’t heartless. Didn’t he toughen you up, after all? Or maybe not. You were just a girl then and you’re acting like one now,” Rothair said. “Grow up. You’re better than this. You became a queen. Be proud of yourself. You don’t need some rock dragon to be strong, all you need is us. I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long, but I’ve been building the alliances we need with the human mages. And now we have a job to do. First of many. Cutting out the rot, one by one. And then we’ll rule the world. But we don’t have time for this. We have to move right now, and it’s going to take too much time to tend the wounds. You can get this done when we get to the northern gate. Anyway, the court will feel cheated if they don’t get to watch.”
As they talked, I looked at Seron. I tried to find the man I knew. There was that glimmer, and then it was gone. He was a husk of himself. When someone dies, the light goes out of their eyes. He was like a reanimated corpse.
Izeria hurt him this badly… She spared nothing.
She sounded exhausted as she said, “All right…fine, but…this is my kindgom. I am the queen. I could halt everything if I wanted to. I could make them all wait for me.”
“Well, I would hope you are a wise queen who realizes we need to get going,” he said. “C’mon, Tanu. You can walk with me.” Rothair clapped my shoulder and I flinched head to toe. “And you get a break, human. Enjoy your tongue this week.”
Chapter Ten
Ezeru
How are you? You seemed to be making friends, Peri signed. She looked a little worried, probably because she found me making my own campfire while Aurekdel and Himika were dancing to the impromptu concert that sprung up, with small drums, silverware, sticks
and logs making for instruments. Even the rock dragons had gone off to listen and dance.
“They’re pretty loud over there,” I said wryly. “Sometimes a man needs quiet.”
We’re not used to making noise, she responded with a faint smile. I like being alone too. But not always.
“I’m not averse to being with Aurekdel and Himika,” I said. “I’m just not used to this.”
This world is so different.
I nodded. We didn’t even need to say how different it was. The open space, the light, the noise and bustle of Gaermon and Pentia, and the relative friendliness of the human folk and the high dragons together was almost too much. “But I don’t miss home at all,” I added. “I’ll get used to it.”
How are things going with you and Himika? “Hm?” she urged, making a little sound.
“If you are going to consider yourself like my mother, it’s not something I should be talking to you about.”
Then, I am not your mother! I want to know.
“Well, do you want grandchildren?”
Her face lit up so much it embarrassed me. “No, no,” I said hastily, “hopefully they’re not mine. I don’t even know if I was supposed to say, but she’ll tell everyone soon. The queen is pregnant with twins.”
Twins! Peri smiled. But she makes you happy, doesn’t she?
My skin burned hot. “She does. I would never have thought…anything like this.” I shook my head. “Peri, it’s strange to talk to you in this place.”
“Hm?”
“I mean, no one’s watching us. We have no plans to make. Nothing to fear. No secrets to keep. Now I hardly know what to say.”
This is my dream. But it’s true. It’s hard for me to talk to Niko. There is so much I want to say, but I also…don’t want to tell him anything. It’s even harder when he can’t understand my words. I thought all I wanted was to be free of that place, but now I really feel the losses. It’s too late to mourn them, however. What do you do? I have to remember what joy is like.
I thought that was what she meant, anyway. We didn’t have signs for some of these words, at least I didn’t know them. She threw in a few gestures I had to guess at. ‘Joy’ was a hand flying upward like a soul set free. Peri had a habit of inventing words and expecting me to keep up.
“I’m not sure I’ve ever known,” I said.
You have never felt joy with Himika?
“Is this ‘joy’?” I asked her, sending my hand flying upward as she had.
She nodded.
“Joy is a strong word,” I said. “With Himika I feel…need and satisfaction. Over and over. As soon as I’m satisfied I need her again.”
That’s okay, Peri said.
“But I want to love her as a man.”
Sometimes a woman wants exactly what you say. She wrapped her arms around her legs, signing loosely. Sometimes that’s just how men are. As long as you never force her when she says no, she’ll love you for it. Do you want her now, or would you rather be alone?
“Of course I want her now. But I already was pretty rough with her in Pentia…”
Did she like it?
“Yeah,” I said, barely audible. “I don’t think I need any more advice from you, Peri.” I wanted to look away but I had to watch her hands, at least.
How do you think Niko was born? She laughed, nudging me. His father was a piece of work. And I see plenty of him in Niko, which is strange but nice, too.
“You think I should talk to her now?”
Of course!
“But they’re having a good time over there.”
Join them!
“I don’t know how to have a good time, Peri!”
It’s time you learned.
I shrugged and stood up, drawing close enough to Himika that she spotted me as she danced, hand in hand with Aurek. Her laughter turned to a softer smile and she whispered in Aurek’s ear. It looked to me like Aurek said, “Go to him,” before giving her a soft parting kiss.
As soon as she bounded over to me, jumping over log stools and weaving around a few musicians, my body went aflame with desire for her. It was always like that. I could hardly stand to have her smile beam my way.
“I wondered where you went,” Himika said, outstretching her arms. “I want to show you something.”
I bristled. “What’s that?”
She gave me a strange look. “You don’t like surprises? Well, don’t worry. It’s not much of a surprise. It’s actually more of a test.” She paused. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said ‘test’; now you look even more nervous.”
“I’m not nervous.” Clearly, I just couldn’t seem to let down my guard no matter what.
She took my hand and led me to the royal campfire, which was set up near her sleeping tent. We joined her there, but it was a feminine space, and I figured she had the ability to banish either of us if she wanted to, not that she had. There was a big iron kettle on an arm, swiveled into the warmth of the fire, but not boiling.
“Remember those plants I got the other day?” she said matter-of-factly. “One of them was silver ginseng root! It’s very rare and good for the lungs. So I made you some tea to try and see if it helps your asthma. But I also added some dried flowers from my tea garden to calm the mind. I’m not sure if your asthma comes from the physical effects of the mist, or the fear of Izeria locking you up like that.”
“I don’t know if anything will really help,” I said. “But I seem to manage.”
She looked vaguely offended. “You don’t want my tea?”
“That’s not what I meant. I’m happy to accept your tea. I just—” I shrugged. “I didn’t want to make a fuss.”
“You’re not making a fuss. I like puzzling it out,” she said, pouring the water into a cup with a sachet of herbs inside. She handed me the hot cup and poured herself a cup with the herbs to ease her morning sickness. I recognized the smell by now, and was reminded all over again that she was pregnant with two children that might even be mine. Then she sat down on a folding chair the servants had set up at her camp. It was one of the only proper chairs around. “I really didn’t want to be a healer at all, but I’m starting to understand. I can’t fight when I’m pregnant. And I know I might end up being pregnant a lot…” A nervous look crossed her face, fleetingly, but I caught it.
She’s been thinking about what I said. She is nervous about having a rock dragon child, the more she thinks about it.
She shot me a look. “What?”
“I don’t know what.”
“You have that look again.” She leaned closer. “Oh, Ez. It’s not you. I really wanted to fight, that’s all. I don’t want to be pregnant all the time. I want to make all of you happy with beautiful little heirs, but I wish I didn’t have to go through the process. And—well—I’m a little scared too.”
I took her hand, trying to be comforting and feeling very unequipped. I thought we were going to dance. “Why are you telling me this? I mean, why are you scared?”
“I—I hope I’m going to be a good mother. And…that none of us die. You know…my mother died young, so I never…had her around. I don’t know what mothers are like.” She bit her lip. “And I’m telling you because Aurek is so happy. It’s hard to tell him sad things. I mean, I know he isn’t actually as happy as he acts, but…he still isn’t the person you tell these things to.”
“Oh…” I met her eyes and it seemed like I desired her even more than before, but it was a little different than before. My desire was taking on depth and breadth. I wanted to comfort her. I wasn’t sure if my words would help. I wanted to smooth the wrinkle of fear from her brow and kiss the frown from her mouth. I wanted to hold her close until she felt as loved as a person could feel. “I know you will be a good mother. But maybe you should just have the two. That’s usually enough…”
“A queen can’t just take the tea not to have children,” Himika said. “It’s my duty.”
“Not in my mind. Not in Aurek’s either.”
; “Two children…we could lose two. It would be safer to have, you know, ten.”
“Ten seems like a lot of children.”
“It does, but…”
“You like fighting,” I said. “You have a taste for a little danger.”
“A little,” she admitted. “I don’t want to command armies, but…I just don’t want to feel like I’m breeding stock. I’m—I’m very confused. I feel very guilty if I say I’m not sure I ever wanted children. That isn’t true. I’m…excited for the babies. I’m just scared and unsure and I don’t feel like myself and I want to be able to fight. You’re the only person I feel completely honest with because I know you don’t want children at all.”
“I guess it’s not…entirely true,” I said. “A part of me does want children. I want to share that with you. But I know what they would be. And I’m terrified for them.” I paused to drink some of the tea. “I can’t say I have any experience with pregnancy, but…I do remember what it feels like for your body to change in ways that aren’t…necessarily bad. But are…difficult. And have consequences.”
“Oh…yes. I guess I see that.” She rested her head on my shoulder, a tender gesture I didn’t expect. She ran her fingers over my hand. “Do you remember anything before? Were you more like Aknu?”
I stiffened. “I don’t know. I had more high dragon blood than Aknu. But I don’t really remember anything until the panic of Izeria locking me in that room with the mist.”
Her hand was so much smaller and softer than mine but I felt the beginnings of a callous on her fingers as she caressed my hand, which was gripping the cup. “Ezeru…,” she said softly.
Her touch loosened the terror of my memories, even after she was the one to bring them up. Maybe that was part of her magic, to expose things to the light that shone so brightly in her world, and banish what was dark.
“I want you,” she said, drawing herself snug against me, straddling my leg, pressing her forehead to my cheek.
“I want you too.”
“I know.” She smiled. “Drink your tea first, though. You’re going to need to breathe tonight.”
I wanted her…but she also wanted me. Maybe it was because Oszin and Seron were gone. But even Aurekdel seemed like more than enough to satisfy her. I had trouble believing that she could ever feel the way I felt. I would never forget that first time she kissed my cheek and I took more. I pressed my lips to hers. I felt like she should be mine, and now she was, and the ache still never subsided.
The Kingdoms of Sky and Shadow Box Set Page 63
