“You ought to be ashamed.”
“I am! I am!”
She decided to take this a step further, “Now you go to bed right this second and think about what you’ve done.”
Captain Rescue stomped his foot, “Fine, if you insist!”
“I do.”
He snarled at her and stormed off towards the building of cots mentioned by the shaman earlier. Once he was out of sight, she looked at the others and curtsied.
“You’re evil,” Charlie said with his head under his arm as he snacked away.
She nodded, “I am good at what I do.”
“We should all get some sleep, we have to save the world tomorrow.”
“And then next week, I have to take it over.”
“That’s what you say every week.”
“Yes, well, maybe one of these weeks you’ll pull your weight and we’ll finally get it done.”
They continued the discussion as they headed for the cots.
“Don’t you dare try to blame our inability to conquer the world on me, you’re the leader of our little crime syndicate.”
“Well, maybe if you spent less time dressing up as oversized bunnies and more time training, things would be different!”
“Training?! What is there to train for? You’re the one who comes up with all the cockamamie schemes. It’s not my fault they have a tendency to fail.”
They opened the door to the shack to find Captain Rescue sitting in his cot with a candy bar between his lips. He yelped and tried to hide it.
Dr. Malevolent fluffed him off, “Shut up and go to bed.”
He pulled the covers over his face and did as he was told. The others climbed into their respective cots, sleeping in their costumes. That wasn’t to say Charlie didn’t sleep in his costumes every night anyway. He, of course, slept more soundly inside the suit. Captain Rescue too slept in his costume most nights, but that was just because most of the time he didn’t bother changing out of it.
As they slept, they dreamed of zombies, bigfoot, and bigfoot zombies—that and taking over the world, but Dr. Malevolent dreamed of that obsession every night. Freight didn’t sleep, he wouldn’t dare let these apes get the drop on him, so he watched the doorway the entire night, his hand resting upon his shotgun, waiting for something to come in and provoke him to use it.
Dr. Malevolent awoke the next morning with Captain Rescue decreeing that the time had come for the heroes to skedaddle. While the others headed towards the tunnel, Stubbs faced his bigfoot girlfriend and said a few words that translated to something like, “Farewell, my love! I’ve got a world to save.” She seemed utterly heartbroken and buried her face in her hairy hands, and wept—probably for her benefit, since the dangers of relations with a zombie were unknown, and suffice it to say, it would have not been pretty.
As Captain Rescue came through the hole leading out of the bigfoot’s city, he found the forest much less threatening. He breathed in deep, smiled, and let the fresh forest air fill his lungs. He took another breath just as a dragonfly flew into his mouth. The cacophony of coughing that followed did not diminish his newfound respect for nature one bit. That would soon change as a low rumble echoed from off in the distance. Everyone, bigfoot included, looked at each other curiously. Another rumble and Charlie, remembering something he saw during a movie, pulled a glass of water from his bunny pouch and placed it on a nearby tree stump. Another rumble echoed through the forest and the water in the glass shook.
The disturbance grew ever closer and it put everyone, even Freight, on edge. Soon, they could hear the snapping of branches and crushing of leaves. It was practically on top of them and nobody could see a thing. Then, an enormous pink foot with equally enormous talons fell from the treetops and crashed into the ground, knocking everyone off balance. Following the foot, an enormous pink head reached down and grabbed one of Dr. Malevolent’s lackeys between its jaws. All they could make out were the tiny pink arms dangling from the creature’s chest. Just as quickly as it appeared, the enormous pink Tyrannosaurus Rex ran off into the forest with its prize screaming in its mouth.
“Well… that was interesting,” Captain Rescue said as the pounding of the dinosaur’s feet faded away.
“I don’t know what’s more fascinating, a dinosaur or that it’s pink.” Charlie poked around in the footprint it left.
Since the hero’s couldn’t solve the case of the pink Tyrannosaurus Rex by standing around, they waved goodbye to their gracious bigfoot hosts and returned to their journey. Their city might have been on the brink of destruction, but the birds were chirping and the sun was shining. With arms locked together, they skipped happily through the jungle—long forgotten were the undead massing just a few miles behind them.
Chapter 16: That is One Evil Fountain
Captain Rescue stared into the bright midday sky, watching birds chirp as they swam through the air, reveling in their beauty. Ahead, the hero noticed an ominous pink haze covering the land. He watched inquisitively as a bird neared this aura, under the impression that no evil could come from anything so pink and lovely, but as the bird passed within the aura’s threshold, horrors unfurled. A puff of black smoke enveloped the innocent little birdy, and Captain Rescue watched as the cloud dissipated and a pink version of the bird emerged.
The hero thought nothing of it at first. Just a pretty pink bird in a pretty pink sky, but as this bird left the haze and neared one of its regular colored cousins the tiny bird went into a fit of rage and flew high into the sky before diving bombing the poor thing. Captain Rescue watched in absolute horror as the two birds crashed together and plummeted to the ground. In an intense crash, they smacked the forest floor. The regular bird lay motionless on the ground while its pink counterpart rose to its tiny feet and then proceeded to stomp upon the other bird’s head with its little feet.
Captain Rescue stood there in silence, stupefied by what he had just witnessed. “Did you guys just see that?” he asked the others.
Dr. Malevolent nodded and then spoke, excitement filling her words, “That is probably the most amazing thing I have ever seen. Something that turns cute little forest animals into evil versions of themselves. I must have it.”
Captain Rescue grabbed her shoulders and shook her, “That poor little bird had its skull crushed and this is how you react? You are evil!”
She shoved him away, “Yeah, so? I didn’t really think that was up for discussion.”
He looked away from the super villain, head hung in mourning.
Charlie stared into the pink abyss, “That’s not even the real concern. What happens when we go in there? Will Freight end up crushing all of our skulls?”
“LET’S FIND OUT,” Freight laughed as he grabbed the collar of a nameless lackey and tossed him into the fog. In a panic, the lackey closed his eyes and tried not to breathe as he sprinted towards clean air. Freight vetoed his motion as Courtney stared the man down. The lackey held his breath for as long as he could, and then finally exhaled, gasping for breath. They anxiously awaited a horrific transformation, but nothing happened. No, the aura didn’t turn people into evil pink versions of themselves, as exciting as that would be. Humans were evil enough already—or an equally philosophical statement. Either that, or the strange pink cloud was not powerful enough to change something as large as a human. The group waited a few moments to make sure the lackey stayed his natural color, and then stepped through. Aside from reduced visibility and light-headedness, the heroes seemed like themselves, for better or worse.
Everyone stood at the ready, half expecting a hoard of angry pink critters to come out of the haze and overwhelm them. When that failed to occur, they breathed a sigh of relief in unison. An army of pink wildlife was a threat far more intimidating than any zombie could ever be. No ankle would be safe. Unless, the pink T-Rex commanded this army, in which case nothing, not even ankles, would be safe.
After swimming a ways through the pink fog, the laboratory rose from the horizon—a fortress in th
e most literal of senses. The foreboding structure rose high into air, its pink aura of pure evil shrouding its heights from view. As the heroes digested the foreboding structure, they could not help but to imagine that it had been plucked from the distant past and plopped here in the middle of The Haunted Forest. They had the creeping sensation that once inside they would find hundreds of confused fourteenth century peasants with no idea where they were or why.
Little did they know, an unseen force had plucked the castle from the fourteenth century and plopped it here. At its origin, hundreds of confused peasants stood around a gigantic crater wondering what on Earth just happened. “Witchcraft!” they cried as they tossed stones, hoping an evil pink witch had created an illusion, but no, the castle had truly vanished. Blame shifted then to an angry and spiteful God, and the peasants turned to rooting out the heretic responsible for this transgression. Random heads rolled, and the butterfly effect created turned the Statue of Liberty into a 400-foot-tall bronze platypus, but as fickle as time tended to be, the past was of little consequence now, since the castle resided comfortably in the twenty-first century.
Just outside its walls, a dolphin statue stood watch over the grounds. Within its stone glimmer, a dastardly twinkle caught their attention for but a moment. The water that normally flowed through the dolphin’s mouth was a bubbling pink liquid instead. The castle’s stone had a beaten, weathered feel, but this statue seemed just recently carved, an ominous sign indeed. But the heroes took no notice of it, distracted by the more apparent threats.
Just as a medieval castle should, this one came equipped with its very own moat. Its depths would undoubtedly send a person straight to hell if they haplessly fell over the edge. That person would most likely be Captain Rescue, the clumsiest of clumsies, a nickname given to him during high school. The hero’s many faults aside, a drawbridge appeared to be the only way to bypass the daunting moat, but of course, someone had raised it. Before the heroes could even consider crossing the gap, they would first have to get around the dozens of nasty laser turrets, which were certainly not of the fourteenth century.
These turrets sat on large pedestals woven through the chain link fence that surrounded the entire castle grounds. They swiveled back and forth, remaining ever watchful, their red eyes blinking rhythmically. A hapless pink hummingbird happened to hover within range of one of the turrets. In an awesome display of their power, one of the futuristic machines fixed itself on the humming bird and fired a single laser burst. They gasped in horror as it hung in the air for a brief moment and fell, black and charred. The little guy picked himself off the ground, coughed out some smoke, and limped away, giving the machine the bird.
As an avid bird lover, one of the lackeys ran up to the turrets in a furious rage screaming, “You bastards!” A few of the turrets rotated in his direction and started to power up. He immediately realized the error of his way, and started to retreat. The turrets, however, did not heed to his surrender, and swiftly vaporized him. Another lackey, friend of the last, yelled “You bastards!” and met the same fate as his friend.
“Well… this is gonna be tricky,” Charlie said, looking at the two smoldering ash piles. The turrets, aware of this fact, fired a warning shot. It flew past their heads and hit a vehicle parked on the side of the only road, leaving a black scorch mark in its wake.
“Now you listen here!” Captain Rescue bellowed as he stomped towards one of the turrets, shaking his finger at it. His aggression and finger shaking continued as four of the turrets fixated on the hero, taunting him to take another step. He played right into their crafty hand and took that single step they’d been waiting for. The Turret’s red lights brightened and ceased their rhythmic blinking.
They charged up with a high-pitched wail, and then fired at Captain Rescue, who squealed like a frightened piglet and leapt backwards, narrowly escaping their vaporizing gaze. As another laser fired, he lost his footing and stumbled into the parked car nearby. The impact broke the side view mirror and left it dangling. The turrets fired again. In a rush, he rolled to the side. The blast hit the reflective surface and shot into the night sky. This caused another candle to appear over Captain Rescue’s head.
He tore the side view mirror from the car, and just as the turret readied another shot, spun around, dropped to his bottom, and held it out. The laser burst erupted from the tip of the turret and milliseconds later blasted the mirror, only to be reflected towards the heavens. Like a kid who spent the greater part of his childhood playing air hockey, Captain Rescue reflected shot after shot of the relentless onslaught off into random directions. Impressively, he only missed a single laser. The hero breathed a sigh of release as it scorched the ground and singed his super pants, coming very close to a place he held dear.
Behind him, everyone else thoroughly enjoyed the show, cheering Captain Rescue on as he flung lasers back in the direction they came. Just like parents cheer for their child at their first little league game. One of the lasers cut through the chain link fence and hit the dolphin statue on the side of its head, leaving a nice gash its statue friends would find most stylish. The statue seemed to let out a most ominous groan, but kept its cool and tried to ignore the annoying humans that were invading the castle. If only Captain Rescue would have thought to aim for the turrets themselves, but that would be giving him too much credit.
Dr. Malevolent finally grew tired of the hero’s incessant laser reflecting. So, she stormed to the other side of the car, placed her foot firmly its door, and grabbed the other mirror. After a short struggle, she pried it off and cut into Captain Rescue’s self-indulgent act. One by one, she reflected lasers back to the turrets, blowing them up. After each explosion, the remaining turrets let out an electronic sigh to mourn the death of their comrades.
Dr. Malevolent blew on her side view mirror like a gunslinger cowboy and tossed it aside. Mimicking her, Captain Rescue jumped to his feet and tossed his mirror aside as well. Everyone walked up to the smoldering fence, half scared to touch it.
“Did anyone remember their wire cutters?” Charlie asked.
“I DON’T NEED NO WIRE CUTTERS!” Freight roared as he kicked the fence down, an act that became less impressive once one considered the weakness of the laser-riddled metal. Freight then grabbed the collar of yet another nameless lackey and shoved him through the newfound hole, assuring the coast was clear for the important people. Since nameless lackey number two was not vaporized, melted, exploded, incinerated, crushed, or spaghettified, the saviors of this world crossed into castle grounds.
However, the coast was not clear, not really. Already, some unknown assailant had taken notice. The moment they crossed through the fence, its gaze fixated upon them. This assailant, however, remained anonymous, hiding in plain sight. The closer they came to the statue, the more its nature became apparent. Beams of light shot from cracks that formed along its body as the mechanisms that drove it switched on. The dolphin collapsed onto its belly, and then rose slowly by its stone flippers, shaking like a wet dog to rid itself of loose debris. Freight beamed with excitement as he gingerly snatched up Courtney and kissed her for good luck.
The stone dorsal fin crumbled away, and an intimidating metal spike took its place, ready to impale anything that got between it and the castle. As the dolphin launched itself into the air, spraying evil pink lemonade everywhere, the heroes almost gave up right then and there. It did back flip after back flip until crashing into the ground, leaving a vast crater in its wake. The robot’s flippers extended into full-length arms and the bottom half of its body split to form makeshift legs. The dolphin then opened its jaws wide and let loose a heavily distorted roar that practically burst their eardrums.
Like a bull with a matador in its sights, the statue stomped on the ground and then commenced its charge. With a wild-eyed smirk, Freight fired at it. The slugs simply crashed into its stone hide and fell to the ground. Betrayal filled his eyes as he stared down at Courtney. The dolphin picked up speed, tearing gaping holes fr
om the ground with each great stride. Freight grabbed hold of his shotgun and dove for cover along with everyone else.
Unlike Freight, the lackeys were blind to the gravity of the situation. They found their cellphones (and tweeting about saving the world) far more enthralling than the two-ton dolphin soon to make Shish Kabob of them. The situation’s gravity tried as it might to pull them into orbit and avoid their fate, but they wouldn’t hear any of it. The dolphin leaned forward, ready to joust. Still nose deep in their cellphones, the lackeys were caught by surprise as the dolphin crashed into them. The joust protruding from its back skewered two while the rest slid their cellphones into their pockets and scattered frantically.
The dolphin stopped and its entire body then undulated, launching the corpses towards the castle. They smacked into the wall, and then remained stuck to the stones for a few seconds before peeling away and falling into the moat. The remaining lackeys, who were still running around frantically, went for cover, but the dolphin was too fast for them. It grabbed another by the ankle and dangled him in the air as he screamed for his mommy. The dolphin looked directly at him then let loose another roar that muffled his screams and plastered his skin back.
The roar subsided and the dolphin opened it jaws wider, revealing the many rows of razor sharp teeth within. The lackey gulped just as the robotic monster snapped his head off. The dolphin tossed the twitching body aside and turned to look at the heroes hiding behind the fountain. It opened its mouth, the lifeless head rolling around amongst its teeth. Then, with a blast of air, the dolphin spit the head towards the heroes. It bounced along the ground and came to a rest at their feet.
“What are we gonna do?!” Captain Rescue whined as he kicked the severed head away.
“IT’S NOT A ZOMBIE,” Freight said, shrugging. “I’M ONLY GOOD WITH ZOBMIES.”
“I’ve got an idea,” Charlie said as he stared down into the moat, its indeterminable depths soon fading to blackness. The bunny lifted head off and set it on the ground, soon doing the same with his plush gauntlets. It was go time. He grabbed a fistful of dirt from the ground and flung it at the dolphin in an attempt to draw its attention. The creature reeled around to face bunny, its piercing howl deafening them in pain once again. The bunny shook it off and threw another clump of dirt at the dolphin. Luckily (or possibly unluckily, depending on the following course of events), the ruse succeeded and the stone dolphin bent over low to align its razor sharp dorsal fin to Charlie.
Not Everything Brainless is Dead Page 13
