Excitement and nervousness, yes. But fear, no.
And those emotions increased as she experienced Simon’s desire. She found herself lifting up, rocking in time to him as her fingers clenched against the back of his shirt collar. His hand cupped her rib cage and then it was sliding up, up until he covered one breast.
She gasped, tilting her head back momentarily as strange sensations overpowered her. This touch was so intimate, and she knew it would be called wrong by some, but to her it felt so right. Wonderful. Especially when he squeezed gently, massaging her delicate flesh with just the right pressure to make her lower belly quiver and heated wetness to rush to her sheath.
But just as her excitement mounted, Simon pulled back. He stepped away, his eyes wild and his breath coming in heaving pants.
“I’m sorry,” he said, steadying her with a warm hand on her shoulder. “I assure you it is not a habit of mine to ravish my party guests on the edge of my desk.”
She stared at him, unready to take to her feet again because she was not certain she could support her weight on her shaking knees.
“Is it not?” she whispered, trying to sound nonchalant even though her voice trembled. “And why am I so special?”
He looked at her for a long moment. “I have no idea, Lillian. But for some reason the moment I come near you I forget that I am a gentleman, I forget I have duties and responsibilities, I forget everything except for the fact that I want to touch you.”
She blinked, totally taken aback by his words. It seemed he was, as well, for he backed away another step, as if he feared he would lose control if she stayed near.
“But you are a lady and I’m supposed to be a gentleman,” he continued. “In our current circumstances, what I just did was very wrong. Even if it felt deliciously right.”
She nodded, but it took tremendous effort. What she wanted to do was launch herself at him and demand he do those wicked, wrong things again and again, propriety and her own plans be damned.
“You came here with the best of intentions,” he continued, looking around him with a sigh, as if he was remembering his difficult duty. “To inquire about my welfare.”
She nodded, managing to get to her feet now without collapsing. If he had to remember himself, so did she.
“I-I did. And you never answered me. Is something troubling you?”
He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and pressed his fingers against them. Finally, he choked out, “When we talked earlier about my desire to sort through my father’s papers, you asked me if I had discovered anything yet. At the time, I thought it an odd question. I did not believe there would be anything to ‘discover.’ And yet…”
She moved forward a step, her heart lodged firmly in her throat. “And yet?”
He looked at her. “Well, I suppose there might have been things about my father that I didn’t know. And it troubles me to uncover them and begin to see that he might have been human and imperfect.”
Lillian’s heart had raced when they kissed, but now the beat of it increased yet again. Only this time it wasn’t with pleasure, but anticipation. She wanted to demand that Simon reveal all to her. She wanted to scream out that his father was a monster disguised as a saint and nothing would ever erase that.
But she couldn’t do those things. Too much eagerness and this man would very rightly lock her out. Even a whiff of her true intentions would ruin everything, and now that she was so close to the revenge her father had demanded and her mother deserved, how could she go back? Even if she wanted to?
“What sorts of things have you found?” she asked, her throat desperately dry.
He shrugged as he glanced at the paperwork around them absently. “Mostly items related to his political stances.”
Her stomach sank. Though she had no doubt Simon’s father had been duplicitous in his political dealings, those weren’t the secrets she wished to uncover. No, she wanted something dark and personal and devastating. Something no one could gloss over or excuse. She had to silence the voices of exaltation whenever Roger Crathorne was mentioned and replace them with whispers of scandal and vice.
But she couldn’t give up. If there was one secret, there were more. She felt that as surely as she felt her own heartbeat.
“It seems like quite an undertaking,” she said softly. “Perhaps I could help, Simon.”
“I think you can,” he whispered. He shook his head as if trying to shake a feeling away. “I want you to.”
“Then tell me what to do,” she said, unable to cover her eagerness. “I shall do whatever you need.”
He shut his eyes with a low groan that seemed to fill the space between them and make the room shrink. She found she was holding her breath as he opened his eyes once more.
“I need a few more hours to search here and then I’m certain I shall need an escape.” He held her gaze steady. “I will need to see you. I want to talk to you about a matter of great import.”
As his words sank in, Lillian swallowed with difficulty. For a man looking for a wife, there was likely only one thing he could wish to discuss. But could that be true? Could this man, a duke, someone who could have anyone, really want her? A woman with a checkered family past, with no money, a woman whom many in his circles would openly despise?
“Lillian?” he whispered. “You are staring. Will you meet with me?”
She should have said no. She should have said she didn’t want to discuss anything with him, for in the end she could not have him. It was impossible for far too many reasons to count.
And yet she nodded. “Yes. I will meet with you. Where?”
“Behind the stables. We can walk to the lake together,” he said. “In two hours.”
She nodded as she backed toward the door. If she didn’t leave, she could very well say or do something that could never be taken back. Like admit she was a liar. Or beg him to ask her whatever he wanted to ask now.
“I’ll be there,” she whispered, then fled.
Chapter 11
Simon shifted from foot to foot, restlessly watching up the winding path that led to the main estate. Any moment Lillian would crest over the low hill and they would be together.
The very thought of that gave him a shiver of pleasure and made his mind return to their passionate encounter in his office that morning. He had nearly lowered her to the floor and taken her then and there. A moment more and he would have done just that, his good intentions to treat her as the lady she was dashed.He had never felt such a keen desire for a woman before. A need that seemed to transcend the physical; he actually ached for her touch, for her taste. He had realized, in that moment, that he had to have her.
And in that same moment he had decided to ask for her hand; the future, the consequences, and everything else be damned. As soon as she said yes, he could claim her and sate the desire for her that seemed to pound in his very blood. With such a powerful attraction between them, and with so many things that drew him to her, he was certain they could make a happy enough union, even if love never bloomed between them.
Undoubtedly it would be little worse than any other arranged marriage Society celebrated. At least it would be of his choosing, his design.
If only she would agree.
He caught his breath, his thoughts forgotten as Lillian appeared in the distance. She didn’t seem to see him at first, for her gaze was focused on the ground in front of her. She walked with a stiff, purposeful gait, almost as if she were being led to a punishment, not a pleasure. Despite kisses and confidences, she remained wary of him. And that continued to be a fascination to him.
And a terror when he considered what he was about to ask.
But then her gaze lifted and as she came closer, he saw the light of desire and excitement in her eyes. His doubts fled. Lillian Mayhew wanted him. And he would find a way to ensure they would both get what they so craved.
He had to, for if he didn’t feel her body beneath his soon, he feared he might explode from the tension of wanting
.
“Good afternoon,” he said with a smile that he forced as she stopped in front of him.
She nodded, and from the way she worried her fingers against each other, he could see she was as nervous about this meeting as he was.
“It—it is a lovely day,” she stammered when he was quiet for a moment.
He couldn’t help but smile. Always they returned to the benign topic of the weather, it seemed.
“Will you walk with me?” he asked, motioning farther down the path toward the little-used lake on the estate. His mother had abhorred the place when he was a child, as had his sister. Only his father would take him down to the water’s edge in secret and stare at the lapping waves with a strange and sad expression Simon never understood and the duke did not explain.
He flinched and pushed thoughts of his father away. He didn’t want to think about the series of lies he had uncovered in the last few days, nor did he wish to be plagued by fears about what more there was to find. No, he wanted Lillian to be a balm for all that.
She held out her arm and he took it, lacing it within the crook of his own. When they touched, his troubled thoughts faded and his smile became more natural as they began the short walk to the lakeside.
They made their way in companionable silence for a short while, but then Lillian huffed out her breath, almost in a sound of exasperation.
“Earlier today you said you wished to speak to me about a matter of great import,” she said, sliding a side glance toward him. “I admit I have been trying to determine what in the world you could want to say ever since. May we discuss it before I make myself mad with pondering all the options?”
Simon chuckled at her candor. Surely there was no woman at the house who would broach the subject so directly. And he owed her no less than the same forthrightness in return.
“I’m sorry to make you wonder,” he said, guiding her down the sloping curve of a hill as the lake came into sight. “I’ll keep you in suspense no longer.”
She leaned a little bit closer, just a subtle movement he might not have noticed had he not been so entirely attuned to everything from her tiniest breath to her smallest sigh.
“Lillian,” he said, and cleared his throat uncomfortably. He still wasn’t quite certain how to do this. “You—you must know why my mother arranged for this party at this time. My father’s passing and my taking of the title has demanded that I wed.”
She nodded, a jerky movement that revealed more of her discomfort and embarrassment with the subject than she probably would have said out loud.
“But I am not the proper woman for that, Your Grace. I think that topic has been more than exhausted by everyone involved.”
He frowned at her continued refusal to consider any kind of connection to him, despite their obvious attraction. “Yes, you have said so and I know that others have discouraged you from any interest you might have in me. They continually harp on the circumstances that should keep us from any kind of true union.”
Her face crumpled for just a fraction of a moment before she hardened her expression. “Are the ‘circumstances’ to which you are referring the suicide of my mother?”
Simon flinched. Her tone was so cold, and he hated himself for making her look and sound thus. “Whatever happened to your mother, Lillian, it was not your fault. It’s unfair that it reflects upon you.”
Her lips thinned and she looked away so that he could see her only in profile. She was so stiff he feared she might break and he dared not touch her.
“Nevertheless, it does reflect upon me. I’m not a child, I know how Society works.”
Simon frowned. He wanted so desperately to make his offer and hear her answer, but in this moment she actually seemed willing to give him a little of the information of her past that he had been trying to pry away from her almost since the first moment they met. Perhaps if she shared some of that, if she felt his acceptance and his compassion, she would be more willing to accept him.
“Lillian, will you tell me about her? All I hear are rumors and whispers. I’d like to know the truth.”
She jerked her chin toward him briefly, and there was a surprising heat of anger and even hatred in her stare before she dropped her gaze to her clenched fists.
“She was never very happy,” she bit out through clenched teeth. “It seemed to be in her nature to be melancholy. But then something happened…someone hurt her very badly.”
Simon frowned. He had never heard this detail. The fact that someone else had played party to her mother’s untimely end made the outcome all the more tragic.
Lillian continued speaking, “It drove her to the brink and beyond. If you are trying to determine whether or not she truly took her life as the rumors say…” She drew a deep breath. “Then yes, Your Grace. My mother had been given laudanum to calm her troubled dreams. One night she took enough that she simply never woke up.”
Simon leaned toward her and touched her hand. She didn’t pull away, but remained stiff beneath his touch. “Could it have been an accident?”
She shook her head. “As much as I wish it was, there is no denying she meant to take her life that night. Her letters of good-bye and explanation to my father, my brother, and me proved it.”
Pulling her hand away, she paced a few steps toward the edge of the lake and looked out over the still waters. For a long time she was silent, but then she cleared her throat.
“The family made every effort to cover up the truth, to protect her memory. We even managed to have her buried on sacred ground, though I think my father may have sold some of her jewelry to pay off the vicar for that ‘honor.’ And yet there was always talk. Perhaps a servant revealed too much, perhaps the vicar, or perhaps it was some other person entirely. One way or another, some details were put out into the public and the vultures of the ton have picked at them incessantly ever since.”
She turned her face so he could see her and the sight of her broke his heart. Her jaw was stiff as she tried to hold back emotions.
Her lip wobbled, but her voice didn’t tremble when she said, “You aren’t the first man to want to end an affiliation with me because of what happened, Simon. I have no illusions that I shall ever marry within the circles I once debuted in. In fact, I think I would not wish to. The life that would bring would likely be very unpleasant.”
Simon flinched. She was repeating almost verbatim the point Rhys had made to him days before. His friend had said Lillian might be reluctant to accept his attentions because she did not wish for the life of a duchess and all the consequences that would bring to her.
She faced him, lifting her chin in a falsely haughty and strong expression. “I shall go back to the house now. Please don’t worry about me making a scene. I wouldn’t do that.”
He stared at her. If he asked her to marry him, he could see that she would refuse. But God, how he wanted her. To soothe her, to heal her, to heal himself. This exchange between them only strengthened his pulsing desire to mold his body to her and feel her surrender to him.
If Rhys had been right that she would not marry him, was it possible he was also correct she might instead accept an offer of protection from him? Would she become his mistress? Was her desire for him strong enough?
She began to move to pass him and return to the house. Desperate, he caught her hand and pulled her back toward him. He couldn’t let her go, not like this. Not without even trying to find one last way to keep her.
“Lillian, I don’t wish to break with you at all.”
Her expression softened, although her eyes remained wary. “You…you don’t?” she said in utter disbelief. “But I have told you I could never be—”
He shook his head to interrupt her. A last flash of chivalry, of gentlemanly behavior screamed at him not to do this, but it was overpowered by animal desires and a selfish need to bond himself to this woman in some kind of primal way.
“Lillian…” One last hesitation and then he blurted out the offer he had sworn he never would. “
I want to offer you my protection.”
“Your protection?” she repeated, her brow wrinkling as if she didn’t understand. But then, perhaps she didn’t. If she was an innocent, she likely didn’t know much about the world outside of her own.
He cleared his throat. “Er, yes. You see, there are times when a man—”
She interrupted him by stepping back and staring up at him, lips slightly parted. She darted her tongue out to wet them and whispered, “Your Grace, are you asking me to become your mistress?”
He recoiled at the flat way she asked the question. This entire situation was not going according to plan in the slightest. He feared he couldn’t salvage it at all, yet he was driven to try.
“Yes,” he admitted. “That is what I am asking you, Lillian.”
Her lip trembled as she turned away. “Why?”
That was the one question he hadn’t expected. But it was easy enough to find an answer. “You’ve stated many times that you are not suitable for me, that you do not plan or wish to marry a man like me. Yet this tension and desire courses between us whenever we are near each other. I propose we allow it. Surrender to it.”
“I see,” she said so softly that he almost didn’t hear it.
He moved forward, aching to touch her even though he could see that was not the proper response. Not until she understood.
“Please don’t think I’m proposing we merely become temporary lovers. I do not mean to take your virtue and throw you away. I’d like something more permanent. As I’ve stated many times, I am fascinated by you. And I think we are well-suited.”
She said nothing and didn’t look at him, so he continued.
“Think of it, Lillian. I would provide you a living and a home in the city. I would escort you to wonderful places. You would host parties for my closest friends. Many would accept you, even if they knew of the nature of our relationship. You would no longer have to live on the kindness of friends.”
She darted her eyes toward him. “Only on your kindness. And the fickle element of your affection and desire.”
What the Duke Desires Page 11
