What if he locks me out?
Nick ignored the stare of the motel clerk, and pumped his legs faster to catch up to Jack. He was out of breath as he reached the top of the landing, the stitches of pain in his sides almost doubling him over. Jack had the door open, and was about to slam it shut. Nick lunged forward and rammed himself against it, using his entire body weight to keep Jack from closing him out.
“Go away!” Jack yelled.
Nick pushed with all of his strength, and he could feel that Jack was losing the power to hold him back. With one final shove, Jack fell away and Nick tumbled into the room. Jack landed on his butt, and Nick used the opportunity to close the door and lock it behind him. Jack scrambled away from Nick on the floor, propelling himself backwards with his feet. Nick sprang forward, and reached down for him. Jack kicked and pounded Nick with his fists. He was like a crazed animal, his arms and legs flailing everywhere, wrenching sobs coming from somewhere deep inside him.
“I fucking hate you!”
He spat, he clawed, he struggled. It was all Nick could do to keep from tumbling down on top of him. All at once, Jack went limp in Nick’s hold, like a wind-up toy that had run down. A wail built in its intensity and poured out of Jack, a dam of tears unleashed as he cried uncontrollably. Nick fell to the floor, and pulled Jack onto his lap. He cradled him, rocking back and forth, stroking his head and face.
“Shhhh, Jacky boy, shhhh. Don’t cry. I’m here. Nick’s here.”
Nick held him tighter, soothing him with gentle squeezes and soft words, kissing the top of his head over and over. Jack’s weeping gradually slowed, turning to small hiccups and sniffling.
“Why?” Jack croaked out. “Why d’ya do it?”
There was no point in pretending anymore. Anything that had been innocent in Jack had already been destroyed forever.
“I did it for you,” said Nick softly.
Nick felt Jack tense up, and try to squirm out of Nick’s arms.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you put this on me. I never asked you to do that!”
Nick held him tighter, his own tears coming to the surface. “I know, Jack, you didn’t. But I didn’t know what else to do. We was running outta money, and I had dragged you across country for what? To starve in the warmth instead of the cold?”
Jack buried his face in Nick’s chest, his shoulders shaking as he sobbed some more. Nick still held him close, but he could no longer control his own emotions. He cried right along with Jack. He cried until he was sure all the strength had been drained from his body.
After several minutes of them holding each other, Nick pushed up on his knees, and gently disentangled himself from Jack. Nick held his hand out to him.
“Come on, let me help you up.”
It seemed as though every ounce of Jack’s resistance had been exhausted, and he took Nick’s hand. Nick put an arm around Jack’s shoulders, and guided him to the bed.
“Sit here, Jacky boy. I’m gonna get you a cold cloth, and we’ll talk.”
Nick brushed dampened hair off Jack’s forehead, and went to get a towel. He ran the water on it, and sat next to Jack, pressing it on his face, patting it to try to help Jack cool off. There was a long stretch of silence as Nick ministered to Jack, where he agonised over how to begin the conversation with him. But it was Jack who finally broke the quiet with a meek voice as he clutched the edge of the mattress and stared at the floor.
“Do you care about him?”
It was like a punch to Nick’s gut.
“God no! It’s you Jack. You’re all I care about in this crummy town—in the entire universe. You’re everythin’ to me. I fuckin’ hate Wilson. He disgusts me. But even if he were the nicest, handsomest man alive—he wouldn’t be you. You’re all I want.”
Jack finally looked Nick in the eyes. “Really?”
Nick grabbed Jack and pulled him close. “Really.”
Still Jack didn’t return Nick’s embrace, and he knew that things wouldn’t get right with him that easily. They needed to lay it all on the line, and try to start over. Jack sat up straight again, but didn’t push Nick away.
That’s something.
Finally he spoke. “I can’t get the pictures of you with him outta my mind. I keep seein’ you kissin’ and touchin’ him, fuckin’ him…the thought of you bein’ inside him, or him bein’ inside you…”
“No! Jack. It wasn’t like that. I would never touch that pig. He…it’s hard to explain. Look, sometimes a guy’s dick don’t work right, and Wilson has that problem. He don’t get hard. All he did was humiliate me. Make me take my clothes off and do stuff to myself while he watched. You know, like what Trixie said that time.”
Jack absorbed that new piece of information. “So…you guys ain’t never been together like us?”
Nick sighed. “No, Jack, not even close to us.”
“I’m sorry he made you do that. I’m really, really sorry. You shouldna felt like you had to that for me. Oh Jesus Nick, what’s become of us? Now I know why you was so angry all the time, why you was drinkin’ so much.”
Nick put his arm around Jack’s shoulder. “He didn’t make me do nothin’. I allowed him to do it. I’ve been stupid…weak. But I ain’t gonna let him do it to me no more.”
Nick paused, wondering if he should tell Jack more.
I can’t hide from him forever. If we stand a chance, he has to know everything.
“He wants me to do more now. I guess he’s gettin’ bored.”
Jack spun his head around to look at Nick. “Whaddya mean more?”
“Last week, he wanted to use this fake dick on me. Bernie sold Wilson on the idea of takin’ me on by tellin’ him I wasn’t no queer. I guess it does somethin’ for him to do that to straight guys.”
“So you just went up to Bernie and told him you’d have sex with Wilson to get the jobs for us?”
Nick shook his head.
“No, no—that’s not how it went. Remember when we was walkin’ to the back of the studio that first day, and Bernie and I was talkin’ by ourselves? Well, Bernie asked me if you were for sale, and I about punched him.”
Jack’s eyes widened.
“He said Wilson went in for sweet young guys like you, but I told him to forget it. When we got to the set buildin’ area, I saw Wilson talkin’ to those three other guys, and I panicked. I said I would do it if he got us the jobs.”
“Geez Nick. I wish I’d known. I woulda talked ya out of it.”
“That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you.” Nick paused, wording the next part carefully. “I want us to be completely honest from now on, so I’m gonna tell ya somethin’ else that might upset you. That night I came home with the swollen eye and busted lip? Well, somethin’ else happened. I was worried, scared about how we was gonna make it if the studio job didn’t work out, and this guy came up to me on the street, askin’ for a cigarette. We got to talkin’, and the next thing I know, he’s offerin’ me five bucks to suck his dick. I told him to scram, but he kept at me, tauntin’ me with that money. I ain’t proud of this, Jack, but I swear, it had nothin’ to do with me likin’ this guy, I was just scared for us.”
Nick could see Jack’s lower lip trembling.
“Say somethin’, Jack. I need to know if you hate me now.”
“I don’t hate you. I just hate what’s happened.” Jack was sniffling again, fresh tears falling down his face. “Why’d he beat you?”
Nick gave Jack a wry smile. “He called me a queer.”
“Oh.”
Jack sat in silence, and Nick wondered what to do next.
“Is there anything else I should know?”
Nick sighed.
Might as well get it over with.
“Wilson is still tryin’ to punish me for not letting him stick that thing up my ass, so today he brought in some beefy Swede to fuck me.”
Jack gasped.
“Don’t worry, I told him no. But he’s threatened that if I don’t go along with it by Friday, he�
��s tossin’ you and me outta the studio for good.”
“Fine. I don’t want you to do it.”
“But we’ll lose our jobs…”
“I don’t care, I don’t ever want you with another man again, ya hear me?”
Nick was taken aback. He’d never heard Jack speak like that to him before.
“What’ll we do for money? I ain’t saved nothin’. Between new clothes and booze—goin’ out all the time—I only got a few bucks left.”
“We’ll figure somethin’ out. But you ain’t goin’ back to Wilson’s office. Ever.”
So many emotions, too many thoughts. Jack was growing up by the minute. Their dilemmas couldn’t be solely on Nick’s shoulders anymore. That was what had got them in trouble in the first place. They had to solve it together.
He was still completely crushed at hearing the truth from Nick. He couldn’t even contemplate forgiveness at that point—yet if Nick had really done all of that to take care of him, was it fair to punish him for it? Jack had to believe that what Nick had said was true—that the only reason he had ever touched another man was for their survival. Even if it had been the wrong thing to do, he had meant for it to be the right thing.
More importantly, they had to be completely honest with each other going forward. Which meant it was Jack’s turn to do some confessing.
“If I ain’t ever goin’ back to Wilson’s office, than we are officially unemployed as of now,” said Nick. “That don’t seem like such a great idea either.”
“Hold on, Nick. I have at least one option that might work out.”
“Huh?”
Jack gathered all of his courage. He took the damp cloth, and wiped his forehead with it again. “I know you said I ain’t ever wanted to act before a month ago, but that ain’t completely true. I always did back in New York, but I was too scared. I didn’t think any one would ever think I was worth anythin’, that they’d make fun of me. But you made me stronger Nick. The more you loved me, the better I felt about myself…”
“Aah…you don’t need me for that. You’re fine all by yourself.”
“I don’t know, maybe I am, but I don’t feel it yet. All I can feel right now is how much I love you, and how much I want to be a part of plannin’ our lives together. It can’t just be on you all the time. You keep doin’ stuff like you been doin’, and tellin’ yourself it’s for me, you’ll just end up hatin’ me. Then it all woulda’ been for nothin’.”
Nick cradled his head in his hands. He rubbed his face, and sat back up.
“You’re right, Jack,” he said softly. “I can’t keep makin’ all your decisions for you. I should let you go.”
“That ain’t what I meant!” Jack didn’t want to get angry again, but Nick kept twisting his words. “I’m talkin’ about us bein’ a team. Workin’ stuff out together.”
Nick seemed to consider Jack’s words. Nick turned to him, looking him in the eyes. “My sweet Jack.”
He said it slowly, drawing out each word as if testing their true meaning. “I’ve been very unfair to you. I shoulda brought you in on this way back when we first started savin’ to come out here. What an arrogant prick I’ve been. I kept seein’ you as that scared and helpless kid I met in the train station. I haven’t been able to appreciate the man you’ve grown into. Can you forgive me?”
This time Jack felt it. It didn’t automatically take away the pain and disappointment—that would take a while—but he could hear the sincerity in Nick’s voice. He heard an apology for all the mistakes he’d made, not just the recent ones. Now it was Jack’s turn to confess.
“I forgive you, Nick.” Jack saw the relief on Nick’s face.
He must have been so scared. I know just what that’s like.
“But I also have somethin’ to tell you. At the party the other night—you know, with that studio guy—he offered me a small part in a movie, and I said yes.”
Jack waited to see Nick’s reaction. He couldn’t quite gauge it. He didn’t seem upset, yet he didn’t seem too happy either. It was almost if Nick was waiting for the other shoe to drop before he commented.
Jack continued. “I ain’t sure what the pay is. I’m just in one scene, but it’s a start. I’m sure after the first one, I’ll get more offers. Trixie’s even got a big role in this one. She ain’t the star, but she will be soon. She said they’re payin’ her two hundred clams for just a few days’ work. And you can’t really call it work, you just stand around and look nice, and do actin’ stuff. It’s like playin’. Pretty soon, I’ll be pullin’ in that kinda dough, and we won’t have to worry about nothin’.”
Nick shook his head over and over. “No, Jack, no. Don’t ya see? It’s not any different. Do you have any idea how Trixie got those parts? What she’s had to do?”
“Actually Nick, I do. I figured it out on my own a while back. To tell ya the truth, that was how I figured out what you was doin’. I told ya. I ain’t the same dumb kid no more.”
Nick had an awful pained look on his face. “You ain’t never been dumb. You just ain’t untouched any more, and it’s my fault. I did this to you.”
“Would you knock that off? You couldn’t keep me locked up from the world forever, Nick. It don’t matter whether it was Hollywood or somewhere else, facts is facts.”
“But, Jack, we don’t even know what you’ll get paid, or when you’ll ever get another part. The rent is due this Friday, and without those studio wages, we’re on the streets again, Jacky boy. You won’t be gettin’ no actin’ jobs from there.”
“Nick…”
Nick kept shaking his head. “No, no. I’ll just have to do it. I’ll let Wilson do what he wants…”
“No!”
Jack’s voice was so loud, he imagined he heard the windows rattle.
“I already told you—you ain’t never goin’ back there. I’ll get another actin’ job, we’ll get other jobs. We’ll figure it out.”
“In time to pay Friday’s rent?”
“I don’t care, Nick. You ain’t never touchin’ another guy again, and they ain’t touchin’ you.”
Nick frowned. “Don’t you get any bad ideas from my mistakes. You ain’t doin’ it neither.”
“Fine. From now on, we only touch each other.”
“Good.”
It hit him like a homerun out of left field. “I agree. We only touch each other.”
“Yeah Jack. That’s what I said.”
“And we get paid to do it.”
Nick’s jaw dropped. “I hope to hell you ain’t sayin’ what I think you’re sayin’.”
“Nick. Listen to me. Trixie said it herself…”
Nick got up from the bed, and turned away. He went to the open window and held onto the sill. He seemed to be sucking in big gulps of air, as if he were gasping for breath.
“Oh God Jack. It don’t have to be this way. It’s okay. I can go back to Wilson. I don’t mind…”
“Fuck you, Nick.”
Nick whirled around, dumbstruck.
“I told ya to quit bein’ my rescuer. This is a good solution. We do it together. It’s on both of us. No one is takin’ the fall for the other. And we ain’t with no other guys either.”
“But with someone else watchin’…I don’t know if I could get a stiffy while someone was lookin’.”
“You did before.”
Nick frowned. “I did not.”
“Yeah ya did. When we was at Trixie’s.”
Jack saw Nick’s face go very pale.
Oh, he remembers all right.
Nick shoved his fingers through his hair and shook his head. “It musta b-been the b-booze. I…we…that was different.”
“What was different, Nick? We barely knew Trixie. All we did was kiss, and you were hard. So was I, Nick.”
Nick raised his eyebrows. “You were?”
“Yeah. Cuz I love you and ya always make me hard.”
Jack could swear Nick was going to start bawling like a baby, but he kept his face turned
away, and stared out of the window.
“I can’t talk about this right now Jack. I need time to think.”
Jack sighed. Nick just needed time. He would see the sense of it. Especially when Friday came around.
Chapter Seventeen
It was Wednesday.
Two more days. Two more days before we’re completely fucked.
Nick sucked the smoke out of his last Chesterfield. With the few dollars he and Jack had left between them, they’d gone back to their pre-Hollywood ways of getting by on next to nothing. He’d used up his smokes too fast. But his nerves had been frayed, and there hadn’t been any hooch money, so Nick had devoured his ten right away. He could have done fifty more.
A perverse part of him wished he could have been there like a fly on Wilson’s wall when Bernie told him that Nick and Jack were gone. Bernie had turned out to be an okay guy. Jack explained how Bernie had looked out for him and José, and had been decent by not telling Jack what Nick had been up to.
The room was slightly less stuffy than usual. There was a little bit of respite from the heat. But he’d been told that it would come back with a vengeance in September before it finally surrendered a little to the fall and winter. Jack had said that he was meeting up with Trixie at her place to go over some acting stuff related to their big motion picture the following week.
What if it really comes true? Jack, the next Douglas Fairbanks Jr?
He chuckled to himself. In truth, he really could see it. Jack had just as much beauty as Fairbanks. He had those large, baby blue eyes and full, kissable lips. Gorgeous pale yellow hair, and a smile that could make anyone’s heart melt. But more than his physical self, he had a light that seemed to just shine right through every part of his being. Nick knew others felt it too the way they would look at him. They were like moths to Jack’s flame. Yeah. He could be a big star.
Nick had tormented himself about Jack so much, he almost didn’t have the strength to do it anymore. He had to let it go and reconcile himself to the fact that many, many people found Jack irresistible. The fact that Nick was the lucky recipient of Jack’s love was fortunate. He just prayed that the day would never come where Jack went off with someone more worthy than Nick.
Hollywood Bound Page 18
