I hate myself for what I did. Even as I step into their home I am betraying them and their trust by keeping what I know a secret. The Townsends have always made me feel welcomed, they love me as much as I do them.
“Here, give me your coats, I’ll hang them up,” Gwen says.
Reluctantly, I shrug out of my coat, clenching my hands at my sides to stop them from shaking.
Lindsey notices my clenched hands and how uneasy I’m becoming. She raises her brow. “Are you okay?” she whispers while Gwen hangs our coats in the closet.
I nod. “I’m just nervous to see Camryn.”
She grabs my hand in hers and whispers, “It’s going to be okay.”
We walk into the living room, and Jamie’s sprawled out on the couch. “Hey, what’s up?” He sits up straighter, making room for us to sit.
“Nothing too exciting,” Lindsey responds.
Jamie looks at me. “Anything new with you?”
I bite my lip. “No.”
“She’s come a long way. Our girl is on the mend, she’s stronger than we give her credit,” Jamie says.
“We’ve always known she is a fighter. She just needed time before she saw everyone. I totally get it,” Lindsey replies.
“She’s excited to see the two of you today.” He continues to look at me.
“Me, too. I’ve missed her,” I say quietly.
A throat clears, “I have a spread on the island in the kitchen. Would you girls like a drink?” Gwen asks.
“We’ll get it. Don’t worry about us, we can help ourselves,” Lindsey replies.
Lindsey and I head toward the kitchen, pushing through the French doors separating the dining room and kitchen.
Lindsey turns to me. “You did call to make sure it was okay for me to come over with you, right?” she asks.
“Yeah, I sent Camryn a text this morning. She told me we could come over for lunch.”
“Have you actually talked to her at all?” she asks.
“She finally answered my call yesterday. I’ve been texting her, but she doesn’t respond all the time. She just needed space to deal with all of this.”
“That’s understandable. She hasn’t responded to my texts either. I figured she would reach out when she was ready,” Lindsey says quietly, not wanting Gwen and Jamie to overhear.
Pulling the refrigerator door open I grab two bottles of water for us and place both bottles on the counter, sliding one to Lindsey.
I slide the stool out to sit and twist the cap off and down a long swig of the cold water. The water soothes my dry throat as I swallow.
Staring around at the almost-empty kitchen, I grip my water bottle like it’s a life raft in an ocean of grief. I begin to focus on the minutiae around me to keep my mind from wandering back to that no man’s land of guilt and anger over what I’ve done. Looking across the counter I really stare at the spread that Gwen has set up for us…anything to keep my mind from going back to that dark place that it’s been since the morning after the masquerade party. Gwen prepared an amazing variety of food for us for lunch. The aroma of Italian food fills the room. Chicken parmesan, baked ziti, meatballs, garlic bread, and a garden salad line the counter. It all looks delicious but I can’t even stomach the thought of food with what’s gnawing away at my insides.
I try to put myself in Camryn’s shoes. I wouldn’t want anyone to see me if I was bruised and battered. I’m thankful for her allowing us to come over today. It’s a small step to show us that she is on the road to recovery.
The French doors open and Gwen, Jamie, and Camryn make their way through. Camryn looks good today. The last time I saw her she was on a stretcher being taken out of the club.
I jump off my stool quickly, pulling Camryn in for a hug.
I wrap my arms around her tightly. “I love you. I’ve missed you.” My voice hardly above a weak whisper, trying to contain the floodgates of despair I’ve feel.
Camryn squeezes me against her. “I’ve missed you, too,” she says in a choked voice.
I let go of Camryn and sit on the stool.
“Gwen, thanks for putting this together. We could have just ordered something from Tony’s. Sort of like old times when we all hung out here on Friday nights,” I say.
“It’s my pleasure to have you girls over today. It was no hassle throwing this together.” Gwen looks at Lindsey and me and smiles. I think she is even more excited that Camryn agreed to have us girls over, a small step on her road to the new normal that Camryn is building for herself.
Jamie, Lindsey, and Camryn each grab a stool from around the island while Gwen shuffles around the kitchen getting everyone a cup of ice.
The kitchen is quiet, all but the sound of the ice maker. This is the first time that I can say that I have ever felt awkward in the Townsend’s home.
“I’m not going to ask you how’re doing. I don’t want to upset you today. I think I can speak for everyone, we just wanted to come hang out and laugh like usual. Just know we’re here for you if you ever need us to listen,” Lindsey breaks the awkward silence.
I smile at Lindsey and Camryn nods.
Camryn draws in a long breath and smiles. “So, fill me in on what I’ve been missing.”
“Wait til you hear this. I saw that guy from the band, you know the one you worked with before. I ran into him at Starbucks the other day. He was asking about you and gave me his card. He asked for me to give it to you. He said something about getting together with you for drinks.” I quickly turn the subject to anything but the attack.
I grab my purse to search for the card he gave me. I slide it across the counter. Jamie’s eyes lock on it. “We don’t need the card,” Jamie says, but Camryn continues to look at it.
Jamie walks over and picks the card up, ripping it up into several pieces. Then walks over to throw it in the trash.
When he returns by Camryn’s side, he raises his eyebrows at her, as if inviting her to argue. The smile that emerges on Jamie’s face does not go unnoticed. Camryn leans up and kisses him softly on his lips, “I’m yours and only yours.”
I paste a pleasant look on my face, so no one guesses the truth. No matter how much I try to rationalize what happened that night, I’m still the one who left the door unlocked. Guilt eats me from the inside as I sit here and watch everyone enjoy the food Gwen prepared for us.
Camryn’s laugh pulls me from my thoughts. A smile blossoms on my face, guilt overriding the sincerity of my happiness in this moment. Although it’s nice to see Camryn on her road to recovery, my mind won’t let me forget that I’m the one who started her on this journey and there’d be no “road to recovery” if I’d have done my job. I need to change the subject before I blurt out what I came here to do in front of everyone.
“Did Jamie tell you Side Effects is playing New Year’s Eve at Redemption? I’m not sure if you will ever feel comfortable to come there, but if you want to, I’ll make sure I stay with you all night,” I say. With Jamie’s band performing, he won’t be able to stay with her.
Jamie reaches out, lacing his fingers with Camryn’s, then lifts their joined hands to his lips to kiss it.
“Yeah, he told me. I’m gonna play it by ear and see how I am by then. I’d like to see them perform,” Camryn says.
“Okay.”
The rest of the day goes by smoothly. We sit around discussing our plans for Thanksgiving.
When Camryn allowed us to come over, I came with the intention of telling her what happened. She needs to know the truth about that night. Seeing a smile on Camryn’s face, I chickenshit out. How can I tell her? Should I even tell her? Guilt washes over me once again. This time, it’s because the longer I wait, the harder it will be and the repercussions from Camryn may be worse.
Quickly I shove those emotions away. In this moment, I need to focus on the fact that Camryn is doing better than I expected. It’s almost a relief that she is recovering without the added knowledge that I should tell her but I don’t want to completely halt that pro
gress with what I need to say…but knowing the secret that I carry makes me a horrible friend.
Camryn looks good. She’s smiling a lot today. An almost hopeful sparkle in her eyes was present. My bestie is slowly coming back to us. The past two weeks, I felt like I was drowning not being able to see or talk to her. But today is a fresh breath of air that I needed in order to breathe again.
God blessed me with an amazing friend. I can only pray that she will find it in her heart to forgive me. I came here today with the intention of spilling my guts, but I can’t. The rational voice in my head is screaming ‘you need to tell her, the longer you wait, the worse it will be’. But the irrational part of my brain reminds me that I don’t want to lose my friend forever. It was my stupidity for not making sure the storage room door locked behind me. When I think about how I’m going to tell her, the tightness resumes in my chest.
I haven’t spoken to Camryn since Lindsey and I were over there a few days ago. I grab my phone off the table and shoot her a quick text.
Me: Hey chickie. Linc said you’re in the city. He said you stayed with Jamie this weekend. ☺ How did I not know about this?
Camryn: I needed a change in scenery and Jamie is exactly what the doctor ordered.
Me: Any plans for today? You with Jamie?
Camryn: Jamie went to the studio. I’m at his place still ☺
Me: Do you want to meet up? Possibly go for coffee? If not, I can bring some to you.
Camryn: I think it would be good for me to get out. Regular spot? How about 10:30?
Me: Sure thing. There are a few things I need to talk to you about.
Camryn: Is everything okay?
Me: I’m hoping. I gotta jump in the shower. Cya in a little bit. Love ya
Camryn: Love ya too. Cya soon.
When we were all together having lunch, things seemed somewhat normal again. I didn’t have the courage to tell her what I saw on the security footage. This is something that I have to do alone, just the two of us. I need to tell her how sorry I am. I have to explain to her how this is my fault. I can’t imagine what Camryn is going through, so I can only pray that she will forgive me.
I take a deep breath inhaling the heavenly smell of fresh coffee in the air when I open the door to Starbucks. My eyes peruse the seating area in search of Camryn. She isn’t here yet. After ordering our regular drinks, I grab a table by the window.
A few minutes pass before I spot Camryn enter the coffee shop. Immediately, my heart races when she begins to walk toward me. She nudges the table with her hip. “Excuse me. Is this seat taken?”
“Took you long enough. I’ve been waiting five minutes,” I say with a fake pout.
“You said ten-thirty, it is ten-thirty. I am right on time, my friend.”
I point to the two cups in front of me. “I got your usual. I hope it’s still hot.”
She pulls the chair out taking the seat across from me. Camryn relaxes against the back of her chair, tilts her head to the side studying my face.
I become increasingly uneasy under her scrutiny.
“Why are you looking at me like that? Spit it out, Cami.” My eyes narrow.
She fidgets in her seat. “You look like shit. Did you lose your concealer or something? You have dark circles beneath your eyes. The Morgan I know wouldn’t be caught dead walking the streets of SoHo looking like a hot mess.”
I scoff. “Real nice, Cami. I ask you to come have coffee with me and you tell me I look like shit.” I avert her gaze by picking up my latte, taking a long sip then placing it back on the table. I raise my eyes to find her watching me.
She raises her brows at me. “Really. You’re going to get defensive with me. Spit it out.”
I let out a loud exaggerated sigh. “I haven’t been feeling well lately. I forget what it feels like to sleep, since it’s evaded me for some time now.”
I place my hands on the table. I avoid looking at her as I pick at the loose piece of skin on my thumb. “Morgan. What’s going on? This isn’t like you,” Camryn says with concern in her voice.
When I look up at her, I wish there weren’t tears in my eyes. She immediately grabs for my hands, clasping them with hers.
“What’s wrong, you’re scaring me?
“I need to tell you something. Something I should have told you a while ago, but I didn’t know how to,” my voice breaks.
Camryn stares at me. There has never been a time where we couldn’t talk about something. We may not like what we have to say, but we respect each other’s opinions. In all the years that we have been friends, there has never been a time where I have ever put Camryn in harm’s way.
“Morgan, what is it?”
Tears stream down my face like a waterfall. I pull my hands away from hers to quickly wipe them away. She hands me a napkin and I crumple the paper in my fist. “The night you were attacked was my fault. I was the last person in the storage room. Lincoln checked the surveillance cameras. It was me.” I bite my lip and look away.
She gasps. She doesn’t say anything at first. Then her voice breaks the silence. “Listen to me. It is not your fault.”
She grabs for my hand, and I try to pull it away, but she tightens her hold.
“Yes, it is. The security footage showed me leaving the room, and the guy waiting in the hallway. When the door went to shut, he stuck his foot in the doorway to stop it. We saw him bend down and put something in the door to keep it open.” I swallow hard. Tears glisten in my eyes.
“That’s when we saw him taking you in the room,” I speak in a weak whisper.
“Listen to me. I do not blame you,” she says matter-of-factly, like I just told her I lost her favorite handbag.
“You were not the one who brutally attacked me. This is not your fault, Morgan. Shit happens, it was an honest mistake that you didn’t stop to check if the door clicked shut.”
I pull my one hand away from Camryn to wipe my face. How can she forgive so easily? “Cami, how can you say that? If I would have taken a second to make sure, this would have never happened,” my voice breaks.
“Look at me. I am not going to play the ‘would have, could have, should have game’. I have replayed the events of that night over and over in my head. There are a million things that could have been done differently. Maybe in the end, it would have changed things. We will never know. But the one thing I do know is this is not your fault. Not to mention the bastard would have found another place besides the storage room.”
Sobs break from my chest. Camryn quickly gets up from her seat, pulling her chair over to sit next to me. She pulls me into her arms, hugging me tightly. “I love you, Morgan. I know it took a lot of courage for you to tell me that you were the last person in the storage room.”
I pull back from her embrace. I avert her eyes and look over her shoulder out the window.
“Look at me. I’m doing okay. He didn’t ruin me. It might still haunt me, but I’m surviving and moving on. I can’t imagine the guilt that you have been carrying.” She rubs her hand up and down my arms, trying to comfort me.
I throw my arms around her and hug her tightly. “I’m so sorry.”
She pulls back, cupping my face with her hands. “Stop. I love you, and I do not blame you. Do not let this eat away at you. I want you to listen to me. I am going to say this one more time. I… Do… Not… Blame… You,” she says firmly.
I nod my head, not really knowing what to say.
We sit there in silence for a few minutes, both of us sipping our drinks.
“Okay, that’s enough conversation about that. On a lighter note, I have something to tell you.” Camryn gets up and slides her chair back so she is sitting across from me.
“You slept with Jamie?” I ask curiously.
She chuckles at my assumption, “I assure you, I have not slept with Jamie. When I do, you will be the first to know. Well, not the first, but you get what I’m saying,” she laughs at her own joke.
I wipe the tears from my face and take
a sip of my latte. “Shelby offered me a position here in the New York office. It is a promotion, actually.”
I clap my hands together. “Oh, my God, you are coming home to stay?”
“I don’t know yet. I haven’t given her my decision. I have until the middle of January to tell her. I need to weigh the pros and cons.”
Camryn and I talk about the details of her promotion. I help her weigh the pros and cons of uprooting her life in LA back to here.
“What are Jamie’s thoughts on this?” I ask.
“I haven’t told him yet,” she answers sheepishly.
“Are you kidding me?”
“Why are you scowling at me?”
“How long have you known this little tidbit of info? Why haven’t you told Jamie?”
“Slow down with the hundred questions, killer. You are the first person I told. I pretty much know the decision I’m going to make. I needed to do what was best for me, what is best for my career. I know Jamie would have supported my decision no matter what it was, but I needed to be the one who makes it. I didn’t want any outside persuasion.”
I squirm in my seat with excitement. “Bitch, you know you want to stay here for Jamie. I know you love your job, but you love that man fiercely. You always have,” I say with a devilish grin on my face.
“Yes, I do love him fiercely. I can no longer deny it. Now if I manage to tell him that rather than you that would be a great start.”
The two of us sit there for a while catching up on things that have happened over the past couple of weeks. Even though the two of us were texting while she hid away in her room, we had a lot of things to discuss.
“There’s something else I need to talk to you about.”
“What?”
“Lincoln is tossing around the idea of selling Redemption. He says he can’t imagine keeping the place knowing what happened there.”
“That’s ridiculous. He can’t sell it.” Her lips press shut and she raises a dark brow at me.
Unspoken Promises (The Unspoken Love Series Book 2) Page 4
