Keep the crib drop side in the highest position.
Don’t forget the doorstops or protectors, window locks, sliding-door locks, belts on shopping carts, and smoke detectors in every bedroom and in halls. Keep irons, curling irons, and knives out of reach, tether your furniture to the wall, and keep phone numbers for poison control and the police and fire departments handy. Mark sliding doors with colorful stickers, and make sure your child’s bed is placed away from windows.
3
Just the Two of You
Institute a regular and predictable date night, maybe once or twice a month. Make a rule for the night—no talking about the kids. If finances are an issue, find another couple who is willing to swap baby-sitting duties.
Shower together whenever you can.
Remember the art of flirting—in person, on the phone, by email, or whenever.
Go to bed at the same time.
Even if you’re in a hurry, don’t forget a lingering kiss upon parting and reconnecting.
Start a dream file together of all the things you’d each like to do in your life. Having children changes a couple’s life; sometimes it helps to remember that there will be plenty of time to create and experience new dreams and adventures.
4
Time for Self
For parents of toddlers, this might be the most important survival tip!
Schedule a regular, predictable getaway. Take a class or get a gym membership where childcare is free.
Girls’ or Guys’ Night Out: don’t forget to nurture your friendships. Take turns watching the kids so that you each get a night out with friends.
Add ritual to your days. Start each morning with a slowly steeped cup of tea in a beautiful cup and saucer with a cookie or biscuit. Sip and eat slowly. Or start each evening with a glass of wine or sparkling cider and a few crackers, pieces of cheese, and apples or grapes. Prepare them purposefully, and savor each flavor and texture.
Nourish a hobby that’s all your own. If you like to read, join or start a reading group. If you want to try your hand at knitting, sign up for a local class.
Go outside every day, walk around, breathe deeply, and be thankful. Order a magazine that has nothing to do with your work or your family and everything to do with you and your individual interests. Then be sure to give yourself the time to read it cover to cover before the next issue arrives.
Create a sanctuary. Find an inviting space in your home—a bathroom, a corner of the bedroom, a breakfast nook, a side table and chair in the living room—and claim it as a kid-free zone. Make it beautiful and personal and escape there whenever you can. Consider adding a basket of books or magazines, a candle, and a CD player with a stack of your favorite music.
5
Balancing Work with Home
When you return from work, have a timer by the door and set it for ten “decompression” minutes. Make a rule that no one can bug you ’til it beeps.
Take a sick day—sometimes being sick is the only way off of the treadmill and the only way to energize yourself.
Both Mom and Dad are tired and overworked. If possible, stop the bickering and start delegating. Consider hiring a housecleaner once a month, schedule a regular take-out night so nobody has to cook, or put the kids in bed an hour early a few nights a week.
Make a list of nonnegotiable things that must get done regularly: dishes, laundry, cooking, taking out the garbage—and decide how to divvy them up. The key is assigning tasks in advance, when no one is angry.
Every couple of weeks, when everything is starting to feel out of control, set aside one morning, evening, or day to catch up on the bigger tasks like bill-paying, vacuuming, or scrubbing showers. Play great music, and work together to make it less of a chore and more of an event.
6
Coping with a Toddler’s Energy
Even the most energetic of parents gets tired out by a toddler’s endless curiosity, movement, and energy—here are a few things you can try.
Institute a regular quiet time every day.
Hire a mommy’s helper—a local teen, perhaps—to play with your child periodically while you’re home and trying to cook dinner.
Set aside a time for active play every day—preferably outdoors where there are sun and wind to wear them out even further!
Be a calming force. Don’t let them wind you up. Whenever you feel overwhelmed, just sit down and take a breather. Sometimes our toddlers get going so fast because they watch us trying to do too much at one time. Stay calm, and they’ll follow your lead.
7
Clutter Cutters
Tired of a house full of toys? Clear the clutter without a tinge of guilt.
Set up a standard cleaning time each day. Make up your own clean-up song and have your kids pitch in.
Make an effort to have plenty of storage containers so that everything has a home. Give away everything you don’t have space for.
Rotate the toys so they’re not all out at once. Decide on one place in the house, possibly the garage or basement, where clutter is welcome.
Establish a routine whereby only one project is out at a time.
Create toy-free zones where no children’s toys or projects are allowed.
8
Stop-the-Whining Tips
Make clear to your child what whining is—imitate (and exaggerate) the tone. When she whines, act like it’s painful: act horrified, furrow your brow, or cover your ears.
Pretend that you can’t hear her or understand her words. Tell her you can’t respond to her request until she talks normally.
Suggest she whine elsewhere. Some parents use a “whining chair” or room. Allow her to come back to you when she’s ready to talk nicely. Set a timer that marks the amount of time she’s allowed to whine. When the timer goes off, ask her to come back and ask again without the whine.
Give a focused answer when you sense a whine is on the horizon. Bend down on a knee and look her directly in the eye when you tell her whatever it is you have to say. If you’re distracted, busy, or vague, the whine seems to grow.
Respond readily to the pleasant requests; let her know that nice voices are heard and that whining doesn’t produce results.
Be consistent at home and in public.
9
Taming the Tantrum
Videotape the tantrum as it’s happening. This will make your child self-conscious, and later you can show it to him. Seeing how silly he looks might deter him from doing it again.
If you have no camera available, use a hand-held mirror. Place it in front of him so he can watch how his face is changing. He may get so interested in watching himself that he forgets whatever he was tantruming over.
Gently but firmly hold him and comfort him. Sing a song with a soothing rhythm and distracting lyrics.
Stay calm, continue doing what you are doing, and ignore the tantrum completely.
Throw your own tantrum—the spectacle may be enough to snap him out of it.
Offer choices to avoid the tantrum. If he throws a fit at getting dressed, let him choose the outfit from two or three options.
Give adequate warning time for activity changes. “We’re leaving the park in five minutes…now four minutes…”
10
Choosing a Daycare or Preschool
Do some soul-searching about how exactly you want this to enrich your child’s life. Do you want a homey atmosphere, structure, academics, or a mix of this and that? What about the presence or use of computers or television? What’s the curriculum? How does it evolve over the week, month, or year? Once you figure out what you want for your child, you’ll know what to look for, and you’ll recognize it when you see it.
Consider the teacher-child ratio, gender balance, staff training, background, length of service with the school, turnover rate, parent participation, toilet-training requirements or procedures, and sick policies for children and staff. Who fills in for absent teachers? How often are toys cleaned? What is the appearance of the bath
rooms and kitchen?
Bring a partner or a friend so you can both ask questions and form opinions independently. Talk about the pros and cons afterward.
Look for a place with teachers or directors whose philosophies mesh with your own—a place that disciplines and comforts much like you do at home.
Watch how the teachers or directors handle things that arise during your visit.
Word of mouth is important, but trust your instincts as well. And, most of all, get references from families who attend.
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Baby-Sitter Tips
When choosing a baby-sitter, consider age, experience, and personality. If you choose to go with a younger, less experienced, less expensive sitter, try to find a neighbor whose parent will be home and readily accessible any time the sitter is with your child. In any case, get references from other families.
You might suggest and even coordinate and cover any expenses for baby-sitting training and CPR or first-aid classes.
Have the sitter come for the interview, and then let the sitter play a little bit with your child while you are home. Listen to how she interacts with your child. If this is not possible, at least have the sitter arrive early so your child feels comfortable when you leave.
Let your child pick out some games or activities in advance. That way he’ll be excited about the sitter coming to play with him, and he’ll know what to expect. You might also treat them to something special for dinner.
Type and laminate a baby-sitters’ guide. Include emergency numbers, cell phone numbers, a neighbor’s phone number, discipline guidelines, food restrictions, the usual schedule or routine, and the family name, phone numbers, and address.
If you are hiring a baby-sitter who has regular weekly hours, make sure to consider holiday bonuses as well as vacation time to express your appreciation.
12
Getting Things Done
Make a game out of vacuuming the floor. Make it a race to see how fast the kids can clear your path of toys!
When mopping the floor, turn your table chairs into a school bus—line them up one behind another so they look like bus seating. Sing “The Wheels on the Bus” while your child takes a seat and pretends to drive (and stays out of your way!).
Take a leisurely shower. Instead of setting up your child outside the shower and praying he doesn’t have a meltdown when the shampoo is still in your hair, bring him in with lots of plastic kitchen goods (measuring cups, pasta scoops, etc.) and let him enjoy the waterfall.
Phone calls: devise a signal (a tap on your arm or something) so that your child can get your attention without verbally interrupting. Have a small activity box near the phone—easy, quiet things the child only does when you’re going to be occupied on the phone for any length of time. The only rule is that he sits by you while he plays.
Cooking: involve him in the easy stuff like stirring or pouring. Set up a cooking station for him with child-sized tools.
Running errands: give him tasks to do like helping you look for grocery items or dropping mail in the mailbox.
13
Saying No
Don’t ask yes or no questions; instead, offer limited choices you can live with: “Would you like carrots or peas for your vegetable tonight?” or “What shall we put away first—the cars or the stuffed animals?” or “Do you want to go to bed now or in three minutes?” Then be firm.
Also try changing “no” to “no, thank you”—it’s far more tolerable!
Sometimes there is no room for negotiation, and you simply say, “This is the way it is.” Don’t get upset—just be matter-of-fact.
Try not to use the word “no” too often…she learns more by modeling than by anything else.
Praise the “yes” answers endlessly! “It’s so nice to hear you say ‘yes’! Thank you. What a cooperative girl you are!”
Set clear limits and give fair warnings. She needs to know what’s expected of her and what the consequences will be.
Choose your battles wisely. If something really doesn’t matter to you, leave well enough alone.
Daily Routines
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Daily Routine
Age Range: 15 months and up
A consistent daily schedule helps a child know what to expect, therefore creating fewer power struggles when moving from one part of the day to the next. It will also give parents a framework in their own day to do some of the things they’d like to do. Here’s how to create a daily routine that works.
For two or three days, write down what your child does naturally. For example, note if he is more energetic in the morning, likes to watch a show after lunch, or seems to fall asleep at a certain time.
Think about your daily schedule. What are the things you need to get done in a day? When could you find time to relax?
On a blank piece of paper draw seven boxes for the days of the week. Write into those boxes standing appointments.
Next, looking at both your list and your child’s, write down a schedule that combines both your needs and your child’s needs. You don’t need to write the specific activity you will be doing; it is enough to write arts and crafts, outdoors, resting, eating, preparing food, errands, or whatever else you need to fit into your schedule.
Even with a schedule there will be days when things come up. Stay flexible!
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Hand-Washing Games
Age Range: 15 months and up
Toddlers seem to get their hands into everything. They sneeze, cough, pick things up off the floor, and touch everything they see. Here’s how to teach them to wash their hands often and without constant reminder.
Fill a tub with soapy water and place it on the kitchen counter. Put a toy in the bottom of the tub. Change the toy throughout the day so your child will wonder which toy is taking a bath. He will put his hands into the water to find the toy and get a hand washing at the same time. Make sure to put a towel next to the tub.
Draw up a card that has a picture of hands under a water faucet. Whenever you serve food, put the card on the table on top of the food as a reminder to wash hands first. You won’t have to say a word.
Give a mini hand massage as you wash your hands together: first you rub her hands and then she rubs yours.
* Words of Wisdom *
My son began to brush his teeth with confidence when I bought a small mirror and put it on the edge of the bathroom counter. This way he can get right up close to it and see what he’s doing.
—Gloria, La Jolla, California
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Good Morning
Age Range: 15 months and up
Sing a song: Start the day with a good-morning song. “Rise and Shine” or “You are My Sunshine” are good, upbeat choices. It will ease everyone into the day with a smile.
Wake up, tot: Start the day by playing a wake-up game. Say, “Wake up, hair!” and touch your toddler’s hair gently. Then “Wake up, nose!” as you touch his nose, and on and on (chin, shoulders, knees) until you’re eventually tickling his feet.
Stretch and greet: Once out of bed stretch as far up to the ceiling as you can to greet the sun. Then stretch forward to touch the ground. Stretch upwards again, then from side to side, greeting your day with energy and enthusiasm.
* Words of Wisdom *
Sometimes I can’t get off work to attend a function at my daughter’s preschool, so I give the teacher an instant camera and ask her to take pictures. I get them developed right away so we can talk about the event.
—Steven, Greenville, Michigan
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Special Breaks
Go somewhere every day: A change of scenery rejuvenates us all, whether it’s just a jaunt to the neighborhood park or the market, or an unexpected trip to a pet store, a neighbor’s house, or the mall.
Nurture a hobby: Take your train-lover to the railroad tracks, your planelover to the airport, your budding artist to a children’s museum.
Take a time out: When you, your toddler, or both of you are fru
strated, stop and do something unexpected together—jump around to the count of twenty, shout out nonsense words, or pound on the floor.
Sit still: When you realize you’re feeling stressed or harried, slow down to read a book together, share a glass of lemonade, or blow bubbles.
* Words of Wisdom *
My son can’t stand getting haircuts. But once we made a superhero cape out of a plastic gift bag and let him wear goggles. With his new outfit the hair didn’t itch his neck or get in his eyes, and he stopped complaining.
—Laura, Spencerport, New York
18
Our Day
Age Range: 18 months and up
Take snapshots of a typical day in the life of your toddler: eating break-fast, doing laundry, playing with a friend, making lunch, building blocks, napping, greeting Mommy or Daddy after work, brushing teeth after dinner, etc. Once developed, glue them each to a separate piece of cardboard and attach a piece of Velcro to the back. Put a strip of poster board up on the wall with a self-adhesive strip of Velcro down the middle. Use the pictures to map out your child’s day. Have her help you to stick them on the Velcro strip according to the day’s schedule. If your child is in daycare, you might want to bring your camera and ask her caregivers to capture moments throughout her day. You can then add those pictures to the schedule board or use them to launch a discussion about her playmates and activities. This is a great way to stay connected, and it’s a reminder of the fun she has at school to motivate her on those lazy, I-don’t-want-to-go mornings. When you take the pictures, make sure to make duplicates; it is also fun to put the daily pictures into a travel-sized photo album that can travel anywhere with your child.
Sheila Ellison Page 2
