“Yes.”
We passed my dad on our way to the door. His head shot up when he saw me.
“Charlie,” he said. “What are you wearing?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Lila made me. Is it horrible?”
“Don’t answer that,” Lila said. “She looks great.”
“I look like an idiot,” I said.
“No, you don’t,” he said. “You look wonderful.”
Lila moved toward the door, as fluid as water. “Let’s go, okay? It’ll be in full swing by now.”
“Get home safe,” Dad said. “If you need a ride, just call me, all right? I don’t care how late it is.”
“You’re awesome, Mr. Porter,” Lila said.
“I haven’t even gotten to what you’re wearing, Lila,” he said, frowning.
“Bye, Mr. Porter!” Lila rushed through the door.
“Bye, Dad,” I said.
“You do look lovely, Charlie,” he said.
“See you in half an hour,” I said.
—
The gym was heaving when we arrived. Noise spilled out in waves and hung in the air like smoke. I lingered behind Lila, watching as people’s eyes swiveled to her and then to me.
“We’ll find Drummond,” Lila said, “if that’ll make you feel better.” I knew, though, that she wanted to show off for him too.
He wasn’t with the other chaperones, who were laughing with one another in a loose circle, their clothes and hair drooping. And he wasn’t anywhere else either; it was just purple-hued teenagers grinding as far as the eye could see.
“Sorry,” Lila said. “Let’s dance until he gets here, okay?”
“I’m fine,” I said, gesturing at the buffet table. “I need to get a drink. Fortify myself.”
Lila looked me over. “All right. I’m making you dance in a few minutes, though.” She wandered off into the crowd, her hips swaying in a way that made me feel uncomfortable.
I watched the dancers for a while—the way the rhythm of the songs guided their movements, and how groups spontaneously formed and then fell apart. Some people didn’t get a partner when a slow song came on, and they’d wander to the buffet table as if they’d just remembered they needed a snack. I exchanged resigned smiles with a few of them.
I kept my arms crossed over my chest and tried to stay as inconspicuous as possible. I felt like people were staring at me but I couldn’t tell for sure. Whenever they laughed and looked in my direction, I thought about retreating to the bathroom. I filled a cup with punch and held it like it was a piece of armor. I didn’t know how to carry myself in a dress. I couldn’t figure out where to put my hands or how to stand. The sneakers had seemed like a good idea at home, but all the other girls were in heels and suddenly I wished I’d borrowed some from my mom.
Then I spotted Drummond—he’d finally arrived. A gaggle of kids surrounded him already. One of the girls touched him flirtatiously. He withdrew a little but she didn’t seem to notice; she clung to his arm even as it moved.
As a song wound down, Lila returned, looking sweaty and flushed and terrifyingly sexy. “What’s going on?” she said, knocking into me as if she were a wave and I were a concrete barrier. She grabbed the cup from my hand and took a long swig, draining it. “Thanks, babe.”
I took the cup back and fiddled with it. “Drummond’s here,” I said, pointing.
She looked around. “Polo shirt and Dockers. Hot. He seems to be getting attention, though.”
“Freshmen.”
“Ew. How about we distract him a little? Come out and dance with me.”
“You think my dancing is going to attract him? You’ve seen me dance, right?”
Lila tried to pull me away from the buffet table. “Come on, I’ll teach you how to look hot. It’s all in the calves.”
I glanced at Drummond. He was still talking to the kids, laughing now, enjoying himself.
“All right,” I said, but I didn’t move.
“Really?” Lila stopped pulling. “You’ve never actually danced at a dance.”
“I guess I should do it once in my life.”
“You really do like him, don’t you?” she said. She gave me a look I couldn’t read. “Okay, come on, then.”
The music pulsed and I shuffled as much as I could without feeling ridiculous. I could just about sway my hips to the beat, but anything more complicated made me feel awkward and gangly. Lila tried to guide my movements, but she had an internal rhythm I found impossible to mimic.
“Just listen to the music!” Lila shouted into my ear. “Don’t try to move; just let it move you.”
“Oh please,” I said. But a song I liked came on, and Lila started dancing so shamelessly that I laughed and started dancing too. After a minute, I felt my joints loosening and my muscles going slack. The music was loud—so loud that normally it would have overwhelmed me, but instead I felt like I was inside it and it was pounding into me as I danced. Lila sang at me, bouncing and laughing, and I found myself laughing and singing back.
I glanced at Drummond. He was finally looking at us, but he didn’t see me watching him. As much as I hated dancing in public, I had imagined this scene many times at home: pretending to sing to him into my TV remote as I listened to a love song. But now the thought of him seeing me was humiliating. At home I was a siren and he was enraptured by my performance, but here I was just another awkward teenager and he was a bored teacher, wondering when he could get home.
I settled down to slow swaying. Lila was still dancing with a kind of liquid ease I knew I couldn’t match. I felt like a shadow of her. I watched Drummond, who was alone now, to see how often he looked at her. He never watched her very long, but his eyes flicked back a couple times. Every time he glanced in her direction, a clot of fear stuck in my throat. Eventually he noticed that I was watching him, and he smiled at me and waved.
I left Lila to a group of dancers she’d found. She didn’t seem to notice that I’d left.
“You made it,” I said, standing close to him so he could hear me over the music.
He leaned in closer, shaking his head. He smelled warm, like clothes fresh from the dryer. “Sorry, you might have to shout at me—the loudest thing I listen to these days is NPR.”
“It wasn’t important! Are you having fun yet?”
“In a Jane Goodall kind of way, yes. Why aren’t you out dancing with your very, uh, dexterous peers?”
I turned back to Lila, who was now being humped by Jason Tierney.
“Not my speed,” I said.
He nodded. “I was never much for dancing either. I looked sort of like a monkey being electrified.”
“Seemed like you were about to be dragged out to dance earlier.”
He rolled his eyes. “Kids.”
I didn’t know whether to laugh with him, as if I weren’t a kid myself, or feel chastised.
“You’re wearing my dress,” he said.
I looked down at it and then up at him. “What?”
“The dress I said I was going to—”
“Wear in class. Right.” I looked down again. “You’d probably pull it off better than me.”
He laughed. “I doubt that very much.”
I blushed, not sure how to take that.
He looked over at Lila’s group. “Why don’t you go back?” he said. “I’m just going to stand here and be boring and drink disgusting spiked—what is this? Punch?” He took a sip and grimaced. “RC Cola? Mr. Pibb?”
“Tang, I think,” I said.
“That explains the metallic note,” he said, “but not the burning.”
I wanted to tell him I felt more comfortable standing there with him, but I wasn’t sure whether he wanted to get rid of me so he could talk to the other chaperones.
“Or stay,” he said. “I could use the company. You can make sure I don’t start slurring in case I’ve been drugged with off-brand cola.”
I smiled at him, hoping I didn’t seem too relieved. I watched Lila for a few
minutes as she flirted with Jason, grinding against him in her tight black dress, which was so short that it seemed to dare you to look up under it. He pretended to slap her ass and she laughed and moved closer. I glanced at Drummond, but he wasn’t watching her anymore. Then I noticed Jason’s friends—the ones who’d been at the pool. The tanned one—Austin—had been hovering behind him, but now he moved forward, not dancing, just looking at Lila and Jason.
I watched him out of the corner of my eye as Drummond said something I couldn’t hear. I knew as soon as Austin saw me he’d come over: me with my ruffled dress and old shoes like a flag at full mast. It wasn’t even that I knew he would say something cruel. It was that he’d do it in front of Drummond, and then there would be no way to pretend that he could ever feel anything but pity for me.
“It’s you!” Austin said as he came close. He leaned down next to me, his breath hot in my ear. “He’s never going to fuck you, sweetie,” he said. “You can stop trying.” Then he straightened, turned away, and shouted, “Jason! We’re going, asshole!” Jason kept grinding on Lila. When Austin got no response, he stomped toward the emergency exit and pushed the doors open. Mike hesitated, turned to me, said, “Good dress,” and then followed him out.
“He seems nice,” Drummond said as he watched Austin leave. When I didn’t say anything, he looked at me and frowned. “You okay, Charlie?”
“Um,” I said. Had he heard? Talking to him—pretending I was someone worth talking to—suddenly seemed impossible. The music clogged my head. “I need to—I just need a minute.”
“Did he say something to you?” He looked worried and stepped backward as if he was going to follow Austin. “I’ll take care of this.”
“No!” I said, loud enough to stop him. “No, it’s not—it’s not that. I just—I just need to go.” The noise and the crowd and the darkness were pulsing in on me, pushing me down, binding me in. I hurried to the doors and opened them onto the cool, silent hallway, then headed for the bathroom.
I wriggled into a stall and slammed the door, then twisted the lock. There was no toilet seat cover, so I sat fully clothed on the seat itself and waited for my breathing to slow down. I should never have come in the first place.
I stared at the cubicle door and listened to other girls coming in and going out. Every time the door opened, there was a whoosh of music, like water gushing out of a leak, and then it gradually became a distant thumping again. The rhythm of it was soothing: it was out there, and I was in here. As long as I stayed in here I’d be fine.
The door opened again. “Charlie?”
I considered not answering, but I knew Lila would find me.
“I’m here,” I said.
“Are you going to let me in?”
“Sure,” I said, but I didn’t move.
“Are you okay? Drummond sent me in here to check on you.”
“Drummond?” I unlocked the door. Lila squeezed into the cubicle with me. Her knees pressed against mine. Her lip gloss was smeared and her mascara had collected in little black globs around her eyelashes, but she still looked sexy.
“Why are you in here?” she asked. “I’ve been looking for you for, like, ten minutes.”
“I just needed to go somewhere quiet. Why did he want you to check on me?”
She shrugged. “He didn’t say.”
“What did he say?” I knew I was pushing it.
“I don’t remember exactly. He was worried enough that it made me jealous, okay? He cares about you.” She smoothed my hair and I tried not to shy away. “So what happened?”
“I’m— Nothing. I’ve just had enough and I want to go home.”
“We only just got here!”
“Fine, I’ll call my dad. He’ll pick me up.”
Lila sighed. “Don’t be a baby about this. You did this to me when we went to the pool too. Suddenly wanting to leave, no explanation.”
“Lila, all you need to know is that I need to go home,” I said. “If you want to stay here, fine.”
“Well, I do. You seem to take some kind of perverse delight in thinking everyone hates you. Don’t flatter yourself that you’re that unpopular. Plenty of people like you, and the rest of them don’t even think about you at all.”
“I really don’t want to get into this, okay? Just go back to the dance. I’m sorry I came and ruined your night.”
“You should be,” she said as she left the stall. I heard her heels clicking as she ran to the gym.
In the bathroom mirror I looked pale where I wasn’t bright red and blotchy. The top of Lila’s dress sagged and my mascara had smeared and I looked idiotic. I went outside, passing the gym, and stood in the cool air. I called my dad but he didn’t pick up.
“Dammit,” I muttered, and tried him again.
“You need a ride?”
I turned, and it was Asha, of course.
“How do you always show up at the right time?” I asked.
“I keep very close tabs on you,” she said.
“Creepy,” I said.
She laughed. “Or I get bored of social things at the same time.” She looked elegant in a short navy dress, much too posh for a sad gym full of strobe lights.
“Why’d you come?”
She held up her camera, which was hanging from a strap on her shoulder. “And I wanted to see what it was like.”
“You’re odd,” I said before I could stop myself.
She laughed again. “Why’d you come?”
“Lila dragged me here,” I said. I decided not to go into the Drummond thing.
“I think my reason was better than yours,” she said. “Come on, I’ll take you home.”
I followed her to a dark sedan. It smelled new and the inside was trimmed with wood and leather.
“It’s my mom’s,” she said when she saw me admiring it. “Mine’s at the mechanic’s.”
I nodded. “I use my dad’s car. This one looks like Lila’s.”
Asha turned on the ignition, and the engine vibrated gently, like water simmering in a pan. “Her parents bought it for her?”
“Yeah,” I said.
“Not surprising, I guess.”
Even though I was mad at Lila, I tensed. “She contributed.”
“She has a job?” The headlights swerved across the trees next to the parking lot as we pulled out, illuminating the branches so they looked like veins. “Which way are we going?”
“Left and then straight for a few miles,” I said. “She babysits.”
“Okay,” Asha said. We sat in silence until I directed her to take another left at the first stoplight. “I saw you talking to Mr. Drummond at the dance.”
“Briefly,” I said.
“I talked to him too.”
“A lot of people talked to him. He was the most popular guy there, apparently.”
“He was,” Asha said. “It’s because he flirts with everyone.”
I glanced at her, glad it was dark. “You think so?”
“He flirts with our whole class. You haven’t noticed?”
“I guess,” I said. I knew he did, but I thought the way everyone loved him so much was charming.
“He does,” she said. “I don’t like it.”
“I thought you did like him,” I said. “At least, you did a few weeks ago.”
“He is charismatic, I’ll give him that,” she said. “But he’s too…I don’t know. He’s immature. Glib. He makes fun of people more than I’d like.”
“He’s just teasing them,” I said.
She glanced at me. “I thought you didn’t like him.”
“I never said that,” I replied, feeling my face heat up. “He’s grown on me.”
“Hmm,” she said. She pushed a button to turn the radio on; it was a classical station and she didn’t change it.
I looked out the window. What would Lila think of my getting a ride home with Asha? I knew Lila didn’t consider her worthy of friendship, but I didn’t know whether that was because Asha wasn’t popular e
nough or because Lila was trying to be. I was sure she kept me around only because I’d been grandfathered in; we were friends long before she got cool. And I knew about her Weird Al obsession.
“Did you dance with anyone?” I asked finally.
“No,” she said. “I don’t dance.”
“I don’t either,” I said. “That didn’t stop me.”
“I think Dev operates on the same principle. I made sure to get lots of photographic evidence.”
I laughed. “Wish I had a brother.”
“You don’t wish you had a Dev,” she said.
“Well,” I said. Then I blushed fiercely and looked out the window again.
We were silent until she pulled up in front of my house. I lingered before I opened the door.
“You okay?” she said.
I hesitated. “I just…You ever feel like this is the absolute worst time in your life and it has to go up from here?”
“Always,” she said. “I feel like I’m watching other kids in better movies.”
“Right?” I said. “Like you’re the sidekick and someone else is the star.”
“With a better sound track,” she said.
“Definitely better,” I said, widening my eyes at her stereo.
She glared at me. “Get out,” she said. “You’ve been reduced to obnoxious extra.”
I laughed. “Thanks for the ride. See you Monday?”
She smiled back. “I’ll bring a new yoga mat.”
—
I found my dad in the basement. “Hey,” he said. “You’re home early.”
“It was stupid,” I said. I sat down at his worktable. “What is the point of dubstep, do you know?”
“Is that a dance?”
“I’m not even sure,” I said. “I don’t think I’m very good at being a teenager.”
He turned around from his computer. “You’re better than I was,” he said. “You’ve seen pictures, right?”
I laughed. “That’s true. That mullet was definitely ill-advised.” I reached for a piece of clay and squashed it flat onto the table.
He considered me. “Everything okay, kiddo?”
“It’s fine,” I said. I looked at his desk, which was stacked high with papers. “You need any help with those invoices?”
“Nah, it’s okay,” he said. “I’ve decided I don’t need to get paid anyway.”
Even When You Lie to Me Page 7
