by LK Shaw
“I said I’m definitely interested, Sir.” She smiled as she repeated her words.
I pulled out the fake charm again and held out my hand. She placed hers in mine and I helped her down. I didn’t release her as I moved away from the bar with her following right on my heels.
I wove my way through the crowd, keeping my eyes averted from the various scenes happening around the room. Dread settled deep in the pit of my stomach as I pulled Gina along behind me beyond the public room, past the DM monitoring the corridor who called out that room six was available, and down the hallway of private rooms toward the third door on the left.
We entered the room and immediately my eyes were drawn to the spanking bench placed directly in the center. I froze, causing Gina to run into my back with a slight oomph. Damn, how could I forget this used to be Shannon’s favorite room? For a brief moment, I almost turned and walked right back out of here, but then I realized that this was the perfect place for me to be. This room was both a reminder of what I’d lost and why I was here. To gain back the control that Shannon’s betrayal had stripped from me. I felt a renewed purpose come over me.
“This scene isn’t about having sex. I just want you to know that up front,” I admitted as I turned to face Gina.
She gave me an understanding smile, as though she’d already known that ahead of time. “Yes, Sir. I’m more than happy to serve in whatever capacity you need me. My safe word is bologna. My hard limits are the cane, breath play, humiliation, and kissing.”
I nodded and closed the door behind us. Gina remained standing, head down, her hands hanging loosely at her sides, waiting on my instructions. I closed my eyes, taking in long, deep breaths and slowly blowing them out.
I pushed away every doubt and worry that had been racing through my head these past few months, including my worry over not being able to find my control again. I put all my focus on Gina’s energy and fed off it. Her submission was pure, which made it powerful. A surge went through me and my fingers tingled with the need to feel a flogger in my hand. To wield the implement that brought both pleasure and pain. I remembered how it had become an extension of me. It wasn’t a separate entity, it was a part of me. God, everything was coming back to me.
“Present yourself over the bench, sub. I want you on your knees, chest down, ass up, legs spread, and your hands clasped at the small of your back. You will not move. You will not speak unless I give you permission or need to use your safe word. Do you understand?” I demanded, my voice strong and confident.
“Yes, Sir.” Gina acknowledged my command as she settled herself over the black leather bench precisely how I’d dictated. Her head was turned in my direction, but her eyes were closed and she presented with a calm demeanor, although her breathing had grown shallower. They were all the usual signs I looked for in a sub. Gina laid there, eyes closed, fully trusting in me. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t reacting in a more visceral way.
I walked slowly around her body splayed out for me, admiring the view, not in a sexual way, but in a way that reminded me of how much I’d missed Topping someone. Of providing care for a submissive who was placing her trust in me. As I stepped around Gina, her dark hair lightened and lengthened while changing shape, and her lush and curvy body slimmed down. I moved to face her and her eyes changed to almond shaped and her nose shortened until her entire being resembled Phebe.
When my vision of Gina transformed into Phebe, guilt grabbed hold of me tightly and refused to release me from its clutches. It was a weird sensation because, suddenly, this whole scene struck me as wrong. Gina was wrong. Being a Dom wasn’t what Phebe needed. She couldn’t handle that at this stage of her healing. Which meant only one thing. I was going to continue to bury my Dominant side, and find another way to rediscover my hard earned control, because this wasn’t it. Knowing how much pain I’d caused her the last time would have to be enough to help me keep my shit together.
“I’m sorry, Gina, but I can’t do this,” I sighed with regret. “You can stand up.”
Gina’s eyes slowly opened in confusion and she blinked a few times before her vision cleared and she seemed to process what I’d said. She gingerly raised herself off the bench, and I reached out to help her off her knees. I held her hands at her side as I stepped right up to her and brushed a kiss across her forehead in a brotherly gesture.
“Sir, did I do something wrong?” She asked in a hesitant voice, her hurt and confusion evident.
“No, Gina, you did nothing wrong. I’m just not in the right headspace to provide you the proper care you deserve. You need more than I can give you tonight.” I gave her hand a quick squeeze before I turned and exited the room, leaving her behind.
When I reached the DM standing at attention at the end of the hall, I stopped and spoke with regret. “I left an unsatisfied sub back in room six who may need some comfort right now. Can you please radio someone to come and assist her?”
The DM nodded in understanding and spoke through his bluetooth earpiece to someone on the other end. I knew he’d make sure Gina was taken care of. I headed back out through the public room, and said my goodbyes to Philip as I got in my car and headed home.
I needed to think about Phebe’s needs and how I was going to fulfill them.
Phebe
Waiting. It felt like it had been the only thing I’d been doing for days. Waiting for Donovan to finally show his face. I was both hurt and angry, although I wasn't sure which emotion was the strongest at the moment. Even Roger had been tiptoeing around me. I’d been meal prepping for three days and had now turned to baking. I finally understood how easy it could be for professional cooks to gain weight. I sampled everything I made. It was as though with Donovan’s first kiss, my taste buds had kicked into overdrive. Everything tasted delicious, and I wanted to try it all.
I was busy stirring the melted chocolate chips in with some peanut butter for cookies I decided to make and send home with Roger when Donovan walked through the kitchen door. As usual, he looked gorgeous in a red and navy striped Henley and a pair of dark wash jeans. His blond hair was spiked up as though he’d been running his hands through it. It was the most casual I’d ever seen him. I also noticed he looked tired. He had dark circles under his eyes and stress lines around them. I had to push back the satisfaction that threatened.
He slipped into his usual chair and silently watched as I continued with my food prep. When I turned back toward the counter to spoon my batter mixture onto the cookie sheet, the back of my neck heated as I could feel his eyes on me. The tiny hairs on my arms stood up, but I continued with my task. Once all the cookie forms had been spooned out, I put the sheet in the oven and turned on the timer. I took off my apron, setting it on the counter before facing Donovan.
Taking a play from his book, I tried to appear casual as I leaned back against the counter and crossed my arms over my chest. Then, I continued with the same damn thing I’d been doing for four days. Waiting. Thankfully, Donovan quickly took pity on me.
“First off, I need to say again how sorry I am for causing you pain. It was never my intention. I lost control completely which is unlike me. It’s not something I’m proud of.” His expression was so forlorn, I couldn’t help but feel guilty for my earlier spitefulness.
“You really hurt me, Donovan.” My voice came out softer than I expected.
He looked even more shame-faced after my confession. “I know. My body just reacted on instinct. I was like a teenager whose only thought was for himself and his own needs.”
I stared at him in disbelief. Is that what he thought I was upset about? His overzealous reaction which, at the time, was too much for me to handle?
“I’m not upset about the kiss, Donovan. I expected my overreaction might happen. And it was an overreaction on my part. What I’m upset about is that you ran away and refused to even discuss what happened. You decided kissing me would never happen again. You took my choice from me.” I waited until I saw recognition flash in his eyes and
added. “Do you have any idea how many times my choices have been taken from me during my life? The fact you also did it to me is what hurt.”
Donovan’s chair scraped across the floor as he quickly rose. He circled the island and came to stand directly in front of me. I straightened from my reclined position, my arms dropped to my side, and my head tilted back so I could look up at him. He stared intently at me and I refused to drop my gaze. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught movement but other than blinking, I didn’t twitch. Donovan’s hand reached up to brush a few tendrils of hair back.
Sorrow was etched on his face. He choked out the words. “God, Phebe, I never meant to take your choice away from you. It devastates me to know that’s how I made you feel.”
I brought my hands up to rest on his chest, his heartbeat strong beneath my touch. A sense of déjà vu hit. I only hoped this time ended differently than last. I traced random patterns on his chest with my fingers, re-familiarizing myself with how his body felt. His eyes darkened in arousal, and like last time, he didn’t move.
I looked up at him from beneath hooded lashes, not in any attempt to be coy, but in total earnestness. “I know you didn’t mean to, and I also know that you would never do something to intentionally hurt me. I remember the first day we met. You told me communication was going to be important between us. But, you didn’t communicate with me, Donovan. You made a declaration and then left. I’m not trying to make you feel worse. I just want you to fully understand how important this is to me.”
Donovan laid his hands on top of mine, stilling my movements. The warmth from his seeped right through me and spread throughout my body before settling deep inside my belly. He absently rubbed his thumbs across my knuckles.
“I understand now. I’m sorry I didn’t before.” He paused a moment. “Do you know why I came by today?”
I shook my head.
“I came by to let you know that I would help you. Whatever you need from me to help you forget, I’ll do it. Your recovery is important to me.”
I sagged in relief at his words, while pointedly ignoring the thrill I felt. “Thank you, Donovan. I want to make new memories. I know it’s going to be hard. There’s no doubt that I’ll react the same way I did the other day at first. But I know you’ll be there to talk me through it, and each time it will get easier.”
Donovan wrapped his hands around mine and pulled them from his chest up to his lips where he brushed them across the tops of my knuckles. A shiver of arousal raced down the back of my neck and spine at the feel of his warm breath. It was a heady feeling and one I’d missed.
“I’m going to kiss you now. Is that all right?” he questioned.
I nodded and then held my breath in anticipation as his head lowered and his lips descended toward mine. Firmly, but not overly so, he pressed our mouths together. Then nothing more. It took me a moment to realize he was waiting for me to lead this dance. With little hesitancy, I took the first step and angled my head to the side and stepped closer until, like last time, we were almost chest to breast. My touch was tentative, yet exploratory, and even a tad timid.
This is Donovan. This is Donovan. I kept repeating the words in my head, as I shyly touched my tongue to his lips, coaxing him to open for me.
He tasted like the finest whiskey. My tongue danced with his and it felt so good, and I waited for him to take control of it, but he remained almost passive, letting me continue to lead the pace. His light cologne teased my nostrils and I inhaled deeply to draw his scent in. Underneath it, was the strong scent of man. It was a clean, earthy smell, and one I didn’t think I’d ever tire of.
Feeling brave and keeping the litany in my head going, I took a single step so we were actually touching. My chest to his. Pelvis to pelvis, never removing my lips from his. My entire focus honed in on every place we were connected. I analyzed my feelings and realized that this time, I actually felt safe. Even knowing this, I stepped back reluctantly pulling my mouth from Donovan’s. I’d been enjoying the kiss, but I also realized I’d been overthinking everything. I wanted to feel it.
Sometime during our kiss, he’d let go of my hands or I’d pulled them from his grasp and I now gripped his shirt in my fists. It was as though I was holding onto him like a lifeline. I relaxed my hold and my fingers tingled as blood rushed back into them.
“You doing okay?” Donovan cautiously inquired.
I slowly took stock of myself. My heart was racing, but it wasn’t from fear. My core was also beginning to throb. I wasn’t sweating and I didn’t feel sick. A tiny splinter of happiness was seeping through a fissure in my soul, and it was a magical feeling. It was one I hadn’t experienced in years. My body warmed in the same way the sunshine did when I stood outside to absorb the heat.
“Sunshine,” I mumbled, slightly shaken by the revelation that I had succeeded in kissing Donovan and not having a flashback or panic attack. It was such a small accomplishment, but felt like so much more.
“Excuse me?” Donovan asked, his brow creased in puzzlement.
I ducked my head in embarrassment. “I said ‘sunshine’. When I was stuck in that cell, I’d imagine sunshine pouring through the fake windows I pictured on the walls. It helped a little in warming my body when I lay there half freezing to death. Your kiss warmed me like my imaginary sunshine. Only much better.”
Now Donovan was the one to flush with the compliment. “Well, thank you. It’s certainly much better than you having a panic attack and retreating into yourself. I think I’m going to start calling you Sunshine. To remind you what my kisses do to you. So, when you hear the name, you’ll associate it with something that makes you feel good.”
I wrinkled my nose at the ridiculous nickname, but the more I thought about it, the sweeter it became. I didn’t remember ever having a nickname growing up. So, that made this one even more special, even if it was a little silly.
“Hmm, Sunshine, huh?”
His smile lit up his face and I could suddenly picture him as the charmer Bridget claimed he used to be. “Yep, definitely Sunshine.”
I waved him off, even if I secretly liked it. My reaction, or rather lack of, encouraged me. Especially because my willpower had been so focused on not freaking out that I spent more time thinking about what was happening and not “feeling” what was happening. I wanted to lose myself in Donovan’s kiss, not just endure it. And these first few kisses between today and the other day, were enduring. A kiss shouldn’t be about surviving it though. It was about living it, breathing it, loving it.
“Can I try something?” I asked with some uncertainty.
My worry must have been evident, because Donovan replied with a cautious, “Like what?”
“Do you trust me?”
He cocked an eyebrow and stared down at me. I held his gaze, neither of us giving an inch. He was the first to relax. “Yes, I trust you.”
I sighed out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. “Leave your hands at your sides and close your eyes. Please.”
At first Donovan didn’t move. I grew uncomfortable with his scrutiny, but I didn’t fidget. Haltingly, he closed first one eye, then the other. My fingers twitched with what I was about to do. I placed my hands back on his chest. I kept them there for a brief moment before I began moving them, tracking a path over the planes of muscles on his chest, down his stomach where he flinched but I didn’t linger long, before moving them upward again.
I caressed his shirt covered upper body before my feet shifted me in a circular direction around to his back. My hand followed up over his right shoulder and my other hand lifted from where it had dropped to my side to caress his shoulder blades and then they traversed a trail straight down his spine. I bent slightly forward and rested my forehead on his back, breathing in his smell mixed with a faint detergent smell.
Of their own accord my feet and hands moved simultaneously. My feet carried me even closer to him and I slid my arms beneath Donovan’s so they wrapped around his waist while my chest was flush
against his back. I closed my eyes as my cheek rested directly between his shoulder blades, and I just stood there, breathing him in. I exhaled slowly and the next time he inhaled, I followed. When he exhaled, I copied him and soon, my breathing matched his.
Hesitantly, his hands shifted and then they were on top of mine. He didn’t caress my fingers in any way; he rested his hands right on top of mine. It was comforting to feel the weight of them. I wasn’t sure how long we stood there like that, neither of us speaking, only breathing together. A sense of calm flowed through me. The beeping of the timer going off interrupted the peacefulness. I pulled myself away, albeit reluctantly.
I shuffled around to face Donovan again and this time I was the one who took his hands in mine. “Thank you for doing this for me. For trusting me, and for believing in me.”
Donovan’s gaze intensified as he stared down at me. “I’ve always believed in you, Phebe. I’ve told you from the beginning how strong you are. I think now you’re starting to believe it yourself.”
I thought maybe he was right. I smiled up at him. “Let me get these cookies out of the oven before they burn, and then I want to practice more kissing.”
Donovan laughed as I walked over to the oven, a small bounce in my step.
Donovan
Last night had been eye opening for me in more ways than one. Nothing could have hurt me more than knowing I wasn’t any better than the man who’d violated Phebe. The crushed look in her eyes when she’d told me I’d taken her choices away from her gutted me. It never occurred to me that I was just like everyone else in her life. I had to do better by her.
When Phebe had asked me if I trusted her, I’d stood there in shock. She should have been asking if she could trust me, not the other way around. Especially after everything she’d gone through and after I’d lost control the last time. Instead, she was worried about me trusting her. I realized in that moment, that Phebe was nothing like Shannon. She’d made me recognize that there were still trustworthy women in this world. I was humbled by her trust. By her strength.
