by LK Shaw
I hadn’t been lying when I’d told Donovan that I was surprisingly calm. I’d take the feeling for as long as it lasted. He didn’t have any idea how thankful I was he’d complied with my request not to say anything although, his kiss spoke volumes. Not that I was trying to read anything into it, but never in my life had I ever felt as treasured as I did at this moment. His kiss was tender and loving. My heart was full to bursting.
While I’d been feeling a little bold earlier, it had much too quickly worn off and I wasn’t ready to take this night any further than I already had. Personally, I thought I’d taken a pretty big step tonight. I was a little nervous how Donovan would take it that this was as far as I felt comfortable going right now so with reluctance I ended the kiss.
“Will you just hold me? I want to lie here in your arms with no expectations of anything. I don’t know if I’ll make it the whole night with someone touching me, but right now I want to be close to you.”
Donovan cupped my face in his large, warm hands. “You never have to ask for my touch, Phebe. It is freely given. I would love to hold you. In fact, nothing would make me happier.”
I scooted a little closer and rested my head on his chest, my arm flung high across his stomach. I kept the sheet tucked between us. The heat radiated off his body like a furnace. I remember thinking at one time I’d never be warm again, but that wasn’t the case with Donovan holding me close. The warmth I felt came from not only his body heat, but also from inside my healing heart.
“Do you ever talk to any of the surviving members of your unit?” I asked as I thought of his tattoo under my cheek.
Several heartbeats passed before he spoke as though he was gathering his thoughts and formulating an answer. “Not really. I think we all just wanted to move on with our lives. I suffered some massive PTSD and survivor’s guilt for many years after I’d been discharged. Talking with them was just a reminder of what happened over there. My shrink highly suggested I keep in touch, but I just couldn’t do it. There are times I regret it though.” His voice was somber.
“I can understand. It took me a long time to recover from Avery’s death. I’ll never get over it, and there are still those moments when I wished I could be with her, but photography helped ease some of my pain.”
Donovan’s fingers began playing in my hair. I almost purred, it was so soothing. “Why don’t you start shooting again? If you have the money for a camera, why not get a new one? Especially knowing how much you loved it.”
I sighed, not sure he would understand. “It’s like some intrinsic part of me is missing at the moment and I’m not sure how to find it. I know that shooting again will make me happy, but then this voice inside me says I don’t deserve to be happy. Or that there’s no point in picking up a camera again because the joy I found in my photos won’t last. Logically, I know that this isn’t true, but I can’t “fix it” inside my head. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I don’t know how else to explain it.”
Donovan shifted a little and lifted his head to peer down at me. I shuddered at the fierceness in his expression. “I want you to throw that thought right out of your head. If anyone deserves happiness in their life, it’s you, Phebe Lawson. I plan on doing everything I can to show you how much happiness you deserve.”
His words were so sincere, I had no choice but to believe him. I leaned a little bit forward and planted a kiss on his lips. “Thank you, Donovan. That means so much to me.”
“You mean a lot to me, Phebe.”
My heart raced at his words, but I didn’t say anything. Instead, I cuddled closer. We laid there until my eyes grew heavy and I drifted off to sleep, praying the demons stayed away for just one night.
I couldn’t breathe. I fought back against the suffocating presence on top of me, but it didn’t budge. The weight of thousand bricks settled in the middle of my chest and my lungs refused to expand fully. Wheezing sounds were all I could make with the force of the pressure. Sweat poured down my face mixing with tears of the fear that I was dying. An annoying noise added to the torture as it grew louder in my ear.
Finally, the weight lifted and I gasped in a breath, coughing and sputtering as I tried to pull air in. The pitch of the noise deepened and suddenly I could differentiate sounds, but they were muffled as though coming through a filter. They grew louder and more distinct until one word could be deciphered. “Sunshine.” The word was familiar and somehow I knew, important. I followed the echo of the word, each utterance of it growing louder until it was shouted in my ear jerking me to full alert.
“Sunshine!” My eyes flew open at the yell. That’s when everything came rushing back to me. Kissing and touching Donovan. Coming to bed with Donovan and falling asleep in his arms.
Damn it.
Without warning, I burst into tears of frustration and self-pity. Why did this have to happen to me? What horrible, awful things had I done in my life that I was now being punished for them? I couldn’t even make it through the night being held in a man’s arms without this shit happening.
I screamed out my anger, slamming my fists down on the mattress, causing Donovan to move back a little and stare at me in surprise and worry. I jumped off the bed and started for the door.
“Phebe!” Donovan hollered, catching my attention. I spun around to glare at him for intruding on my temper tantrum. When he nodded to my chest and I looked down, I huffed out a breath of air in exasperation before grabbing my shirt and pulling it on over my head, forgetting that I was naked from the waist up. Once I was fully covered, I headed down the hall, straight through the living room, then the kitchen before ripping open the back door. I made my way straight to the koi pond and stood there, arms hugging myself as my frustration continued to bubble.
Donovan’s hesitant footfalls sounded behind me. I expected him to stand on the opposite side of the pond like usual, but instead, he came up behind me and gently wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close until my back was flush with his chest. My eyes closed as I drew strength from him.
He didn’t say a word though, just held me tight as we stood there in the waning moonlight. Soon, the birds started singing and the sun crested the horizon. Still we remained connected, both of us lost in thought. Eventually, I knew I needed some alone time and as much as I hated to lose Donovan’s body heat, I was feeling restless.
I began to pull away and for a split second he resisted my movement, but then his arms slid away from me and I stepped out of range of his grasp. As I looked at him, his gaze on me uncertain and I knew he was feeling the same frustration as me, but for different reasons.
“If you don’t mind, I’d really like to be alone right now. I just need time to think.”
Pain flashed in his eyes at my proclamation, but it was gone in an instant.
He nodded, but I could tell he was still hurt. “I understand. Maybe we rushed things. It might be a good idea to step back a little bit.”
“No, it’s not a good idea to backtrack. God, Donovan, every time I have a small episode you suddenly act like you want to run away. We both knew this wouldn’t be easy. Stop fucking making decisions for me.” My voice rose with each word until I felt like I was practically screaming by the end.
His eyes widened in surprise at my outburst. I rarely swore so he knew how upset I was when I dropped the f-bomb. He held his hands up in surrender.
“I’m sorry. I just hate this.”
I jerked back in shock and pain. “You… hate this?”
He ran his fingers through his hair. “Not this —” he motioned between us, “— but the pain you’re going through. I feel out of control, because I can’t do anything for you and that is what I hate. You don’t understand how much it destroys me to see you hurting. I have an ingrained sense of wanting to take care of and protect my partner. I can’t fight your demons, Phebe, and it’s killing me.” His voice was filled with anguish.
“I don’t want you to fight them, Donovan. That’s up to me. But even you just being there for me he
lps. I won’t slay them over night, but with your continued support and encouragement, eventually I’ll beat them all back. You just have to be patient, like me. And you need to be there when I ask for help, because I will. Tonight was only a minor setback. If I’m willing to get back on the horse, then I need you on board as well.” I needed him to understand where I was coming from.
He closed his eyes as if gathering some inner strength. When he opened them again, I spotted the resignation in them. “I’m on board. But you also have to be patient with me. Being out of control is not something I’m used to. It’s a completely different mindset for me. I’m going to make mistakes.”
I reached out to grip Donovan’s hands and squeezed. “As long as we forgive each other our mistakes, then we’ll make it through. We just have to continue to communicate.”
He slowly nodded and briefly kissed my knuckles. “I’ll leave you in peace. Call me when you’re ready for company again.”
He turned and my stomach dropped as I felt that invisible string tug as though trying to convince me to follow. I ignored the feeling and went to curl up in my chair to think.
Vlad
I found her.
Finally.
I hated this country and was ready to return to St. Petersburg with my queen. She’d possessed the perfect amount of submission.
When it finally happened, her utter surrender had been beautiful. Sadly, I was afraid that after our time apart she was going to forget all her training. It pained me to start her education over, but I would, if that’s what she needed.
My cock hardened at the thought.
I needed her back in my bed.
In my life.
Soon.
Soon she’d be back where she belonged.
With me.
Phebe
After only a day away, I missed Donovan. I missed our kisses. But mostly, I missed our talks. Our laughter. Knowing I couldn’t wait any longer, I picked up the phone.
“I’m so glad you called.” He greeted after answering on the second ring.
I smiled at the excitement in his voice. “Me too.”
“I’m sor—”
“I’m sor—”
We both laughed as we began to speak at the same time.
“Let me.” Donovan said after our laughter quieted. “I feel like all I’m doing lately is saying I’m sorry.”
“I told you yesterday that we’ll both make mistakes. But as long as we have each other, we’ll get through this.”
“I know we will.” His voice was confident on the other end of the line. “Would it be okay if I came over? I have something for you.”
“What is it?” I asked in puzzlement, not sure what it could be.
I heard his smile when he said, “It’s a surprise. One I think you’ll like a lot. At least I hope so.”
“Of course, you can come over.” I said, almost giddily.
“Great, I’m on my way. See you soon.” He disconnected the call.
After he’d ended the call, I sat there like a little girl anticipating the arrival of Santa on come on Christmas morning even though I had no idea what my surprise was. Not that it mattered. You’d think after the “surprises” I often got from Kieran, I’d hate them, but it never failed. The minute someone mentioned the word “surprise” a giddiness exploded through me. My heart was ecstatic and I got clappy hands. My legs bobbed in restlessness and impatience while I’d waited for him. The anticipation had been killing me so when thirty minutes later the doorbell rang my stomach fluttered.
My heart raced even faster when I finally heard Donovan's footsteps coming down the hall. He stepped into view holding an awfully wrapped package. I stifled a smile when I saw he’d used the comics to wrap it. I must not have succeeded in hiding it as well as I’d thought when he chuckled.
“Don’t laugh at my sad wrapping skills. Besides, I figured you’d appreciate the effort I put into doing it myself instead of dropping a few dollars and having some lady at the mall do it for me.”
I attempted to wipe the smile off my face, but I struggled. “I wouldn’t dare laugh. You did a fine job at wrapping my present.”
“Why is it that I’m having a hard time believing you? Hmm, maybe you haven't been such a good girl after all. I’m not sure if you deserve this present.” Donovan turned the package over and over in his hands, seeming to study it from every angle.
I lunged off my regular perch on the couch, grabbed it out of his hands, and pulled it into my chest. The second I did it, I froze, my eyes wide in fear.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean —”
Donovan instantly dropped to his knees in front of me, his eyes boring into mine. He reached out to cup my cheek in his palm. “Don’t you dare apologize for being excited. You have no idea how happy it makes me to see you so animated. So, don’t you ever say you’re sorry. Do you understand me?”
“Yes, sir.”
My pupils dilated in response to her unconscious submission as I rasped out, “Good girl.”
I preened at his words, and my head settled deeper in his palm. Of its own volition, my head turned, and I placed a soft kiss to his skin.
“Now, open your present.”
Not needing to be told twice, I ripped open the newspaper wrapping, carelessly and haphazardly tossing it everywhere. Growling in frustration over all the damn tape in my way, I tore open the cardboard box beneath the wrapping and snatched the additional bubble wrap off that impeded my first glance at what was inside.
“Careful. Don’t break it.” Donovan’s warning had me slowing down. Barely. Until I saw it. Then, all movement stopped. What was now exposed to my view had me rooted to my spot. My vision blurred. A tear fell to a piece of newspaper still stuck to the box and was quickly absorbed. Slowly, carefully, I set the box on the floor, and with shaking hands I pulled out my gift. Gently, I set it on my lap. My fingers lovingly ran over Muriel’s camera, the one I’d thought forever lost, caressing it like an old friend.
“Where—” the words caught in my throat as I continued to stare at it, the tears now flowing down my cheeks. “Where did you find it? I figured Kieran had destroyed everything that belonged to me.”
“After you disappeared, Nancy from the shelter went to your house. Kieran was throwing things into a garbage can. She saw the camera and asked him how much he wanted for it. She didn’t even hesitate at the dollar amount he threw out. She dug into her wallet and paid for it right there on the street. I went to the shelter to speak to some of the women living there whose husbands were clients of Kieran’s, hoping to get information on Dragomirov. When I saw it sitting on her desk, I knew it belonged to you. Nancy was happy to have it returned to its rightful owner.”
I set the camera down and lunged for Donovan, wrapping my arms around his neck and squeezing tightly as I cried happy tears. I wished more than anything that I deserved all the amazing things he did for me. Nothing he did was over the top or spectacular. There were no grand gestures. But, it was the small things. Things like making sure I ate when I would forget or just not feel like it. And covering me up with the blanket when we watched TV because he knew how cold I often got. He held me when the memories became too much. He was constantly taking care of me. And now, with a single gift, I fell.
Completely.
Irrevocably.
In love.
I don’t even know how it happened. I’d swore I was no longer capable of love, but Donovan had proven to me time and again that I could trust him. That I could be vulnerable with him and he would still be there for me. I’d slowly been opening up to him more. I hadn’t told him everything, but it was getting a little easier to share things with him and not fear he would judge me.
When I was all cried out, I pulled back, wiping my nose on the tissue he handed me, clearly knowing I’d need it. “I don’t know how I can ever thank you, Donovan. You have no idea how much this camera means to me.”
“Is that the camera Muriel gave you?” He shifted and pulle
d me tight against his side, leaving his arm wrapped around my shoulder.
I sniffed before answering. “Yes. I’d kept it hidden at the house and only used it for when I was shooting pictures for the galleries. My teaching one was at The Haven. This camera is my most prized possession.”
He scooted away a little and turned to face me on the couch. He studied me intently as he reached up to brush my hair back from my face. Hair I was actually considering cutting off. Starting new and fresh with this new life I had. I had about two inches of regrowth and I was nervous as hell about what I’d look like with such short hair, but the more I thought of it, the more I wanted to do it. I no longer wanted reminders of my past life. I was beginning a new life; one where I pictured Donovan by my side. I thought he cared for me too. It was scary though, these feelings. I still didn’t feel completely worthy of love, even after all my talks about forgiveness with Madeline.
I turned the camera over in my hand, and it was as though holding it had caused all my reluctance to take pictures again to melt away. My whole body buzzed with anticipation, and I couldn’t wait to hear the shutter sounding as I took shot after shot. My mind raced with all the different pictures I wanted to take. Donovan must have read my mind because the next thing I knew he was speaking.
“Have you changed your mind about not wanting to take photos?” He was smiling down at me and I continued to stroke the camera reverently.
I met his gaze as I wiped away a stray tear. “I never expected to feel this way again.”
“Well, how about we go check out the Pinegrove Gardens and you can practice taking some pictures? Reacquaint yourself with your old friend there."
Happiness spread through me and I couldn't help the smile that crossed my face. "I love that idea. Let me go grab a coat."
I jumped up and turned to head into the spare room. I stopped after a single step and then spun back around. I flung myself at Donovan, cupping his jaw in both hands to place a deep kiss on his surprised lips. It was over quickly, and before he could return the kiss, I raced out of the room.
