by C. L. Stone
My thoughts were out of control. Unanswered questions spiraled around.
“Can I ask you something?” Mr. Blackbourne’s voice was as soft as I’d ever heard it. But even as soft as it was, it was powerful, drawing me up from the well of despair I’d sunk into.
I summoned some courage to look up. I caught his steel eyes, softened into something more silver. His face was calm, yet otherwise hard to read.
I placed my hands in my lap, clutching them together for some control. “Yes,” I said.
“Did she ever mention how difficult it was for her to get to where she is today?”
“Of course,” I said. “She said the Academy was against it.”
“I mean about how the boys reacted,” he said. “They weren’t all happy with it in the beginning.”
I tried to recall what Lily had said. “She wanted me to stay in contact, to perhaps help avoid making some of the mistakes she’d made.”
“That’s kind of her to offer,” he said. He sat up more, touching the knot of his maroon tie briefly. “Miss Sorenson, relationships are never perfect. A boy and a girl who fall in love face insurmountable odds at times. We all had parents who, I presume at one time, were in love enough to get married.”
That was true, although it was hard to picture my stepmother ever having loved anything, or my father loving her enough to marry her. They were so angry with each other now, that it was hard to think they hadn’t always been that way.
“If a normal relationship is hard work,” he said quietly, “would you expect any other relationship to be different? Friendships need work. Sibling relationships need work.”
My head inclined, agreeing with his point. It made sense.
“If all we’re ever going to be are friends,” he said, “then even at that point, we’d have to work to remain that way. It’s give and take on every side. It’s honesty and trust.” He leaned in a little, until his head was level with mine, his gaze steady, keeping my eyes fixed on his. “When you visited this team and saw what they had together, did it draw you in? Did you want something like that?”
I nodded quickly. I did. “At the time...” I said.
He held up a quick finger, silencing my thoughts. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, to want something, even if it’s out of reach or impossible. It may not happen exactly how you pictured, but we can’t control outside events and how others feel. That doesn’t mean we give up just because it might be difficult.”
“Gabriel is angry, though,” I said. “And I don’t know how the others would feel.”
“I understand your response,” he said. His steel sharpened. “From what I’m hearing, though, your concern is more how they feel.”
I nodded.
“What I’m trying to understand is, if everyone else agreed to such an arrangement, would you consider it? Would you try it out?”
Slowly, I nodded. “If it doesn’t...”
He sliced his hand through the air. The power behind his voice cutting off my words. “I want to know what you want, Miss Sorenson.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I want to believe it. When Lily talked about it, I liked the idea.”
“Do you still like it?” he asked.
I nodded quietly.
“We don’t have time to dwell on what if,” he said. “There’s how you feel and how the others feel. When I first heard of Lily and her team, I was curious. I didn’t think ahead as to how they managed it, and I’ll admit, the answer surprised me. I assumed...I assumed something else. Mr. Anderson said other teams had approached him about doing something similar, and those teams never succeeded. Their solution isn’t for everyone, and I agree.”
My heart twisted sharply, and I leaned forward, my mouth falling open. Other teams? We weren’t the only ones? It hadn’t occurred to me that others might have tried.
They knew, and they tried.
He held up his hand again, stopping me this time before I could respond. “We, however, are different. And you have to remember, a team did succeed. Theirs. Ours might.”
I stared at him, wanting to make the connection. Yes, they had done it. They seemed together, happy. I recalled how one of them entered the room and was being protective of her. It was how I felt the others were around me. Their reactions to her weren’t very surprising to me, perhaps because I’d experienced the same from my own team.
He spoke again, interrupting my thoughts. “Her team managed. There are other families out there that do the same thing.”
“Out where?” I asked.
“Relationships aren’t always one plus one equals two,” he said. “I’ve been studying the psychology and read some case studies. A mother loves all her children, plus her husband, plus her extended family. Love isn’t a limited supply. You also can’t control how others feel. A woman may love a man who doesn’t love her. How he feels doesn’t change how she feels. It just is.”
“They have five in their group together,” I said. I wanted to understand what he was saying. It felt different.
“There are other families,” he said. “Some with two men and one woman. Some with three women together. In other countries, in other cultures, it’s considered common to have multiple husbands or wives.”
Was that true? I didn’t doubt his comments, but it was difficult to picture.
“My point is,” he said, “you can only control how you feel, what you want, and express it. The others will do the same, either now or in the future.” He put his hand to his chest, pointing at his own heart. “I believe, somewhere along the road, we’ll figure it out. One way or another. It may not end up like Lily’s group. It may be completely different. But if we stick by each other, if we build this family together, if you help me, we can be happy. It’ll be better if we’re together, than apart.”
My heart lifted. He believed we’d be happier staying together. I wished the others could hear him. No matter what, no matter the obstacles, happiness was the goal. “I want them to be happy.”
“You are part of the equation, too,” he said. “If you wish to stay with us, and we desire to stay with you, it’s our choice together.” He leaned in more, his voice quieting. “This mean we don’t stop at every road block we face. As I said, relationships take effort. We simply work at it. You don’t have to do it alone, though.”
I nodded, hopeful. “I don’t know what to do sometimes.”
“I think...” he said and then stopped. His head shook slowly. “No, I was going to offer for you to talk to me about it tonight, perhaps talk throughout the week in the evenings. I want you to.”
My eyebrows scrunched. He wants to but he doesn’t? “I’d like to talk more with you,” I said. “Maybe outside of school?” I wanted to read his case studies, and understand this from the angle he did. Maybe it would do some good to see other families and situations similar to this outside the Academy. Maybe it wasn’t as uncommon as I thought.
He pressed his lips together. He sighed and then spoke again. “Miss Sorenson, we have a lot of work ahead of us, and many years, hopefully, to do it in. You can always come to me when you need to. Right now, it sounds like Mr. Coleman needs you more.”
Confusion settled in. “I should talk to him?”
“You should confide in him. You started this journey together yesterday.”
“And Luke,” I said.
He nodded. “He’s already on your side, even if he’s unsure, he’s not aloof. He’s willing to talk about it. It’s Mr. Coleman who seems to be your priority right now.”
“What do I do?”
“In the Academy, we try to not keep secrets from each other,” he said. “However, in this case, we want to move slowly. Kota and the others might not be ready. Gabriel, like you, was taken by surprise by the information. You should tell him what you want. You should also tell him how you feel about him. I believe you’ll discover he needs you as much as you need him right now.”
It was hard to think of Gabriel needing me. He was strong, confident.
He always seemed so sure of everything, how people dressed, should do their hair, how to handle things. “I have to focus on him.”
“Start with him,” he said. “You can talk to who you want, but I’d suggest you tell Gabriel everything, from our conversation here, to your thoughts on the other team. Tell him what you want. I believe, once he hears it from you, he’ll move from his doubts and will become one of your strongest advocates.”
“He was jealous of Victor,” I said. “He was envious of his money, I think. But then he was saying he thought the others were stronger, smarter. He doesn’t believe I could care about him.”
Mr. Blackbourne leaned forward enough this time that his elbows rested on his knees as he looked at me. Seeing him so close made him appear younger, the nineteen year old behind the formal clothes and mature attitude. “All emotions have an opposite. Anger and sadness are two of the same. When someone is angry, when they calm down, you may discover they’re actually sad about some part in their life. Do you know what the other side of envy is?”
I shook my head.
“It’s a lack of confidence, self-esteem. If he envies Silas’s strength, then he’s unsure about his own. If he’s envious of Victor’s wealth and what he can give you, it’s because he’s insecure about his lack of money and ability to give you those material things. Gabriel’s greatest weakness is his own perception of himself.”
It was hard for me to picture him as unconfident. “He’s always so vocal,” I said. “His clothes, my clothes. His singing and plays music and his art... Did you know he has a mural on his bedroom walls? Have you seen the others?”
He nodded. “He’s very talented, but he’s always felt lacking when other people around him are better, even if they excel in things he doesn’t personally like or work on. Smarter simply means one studied more. Stronger means someone built muscle. He is smart, but in his own way. Kota may understand physics better than he does, but Gabriel knows fashion and art, colors, design. Not understanding physics doesn’t make him an idiot. It makes him good at being Gabriel. There will always be people better, stronger, faster, as well as people who are weaker and slower. It doesn’t make you better or worse. You are who you are.”
I believed it, especially of Gabriel. “He doesn’t have anything to be envious about.”
“Then tell him so,” he said. He sat up, becoming the steady Mr. Blackbourne I was more familiar with. He straightened his tie and suit coat. “And confide in him. Tell him what you’ve told me. Make him feel like you depend on him and he’ll soon turn around. You’ll see. Do you know what the other side of confidence is?”
I was going to say whatever the opposite of being envious was, but I didn’t know the right word in the moment.
“It’s goodwill,” he said. “Once someone is confident in their own abilities, they no longer turn a jealous eye, envious of others. Instead, they see others as either people to bolster, to help along, or those who can help them when needed. They become supportive. When Gabriel becomes confident, he’ll more likely help you with whatever you want.” He paused and then quickly flashed a millimeter smile at me. “That means trusting him with what you want, so he knows what he’ll be fighting for.”
I breathed in deeply and let it out slowly. I glanced at the time, noting we didn’t have much left. “I wish I could talk to him.”
“Do what you can,” he said. “But no matter what, even when it seems he’s shutting you out, don’t let him. Gabriel isn’t one you leave alone to stew in his own thoughts. You have to draw him out. Gently.”
I nodded. It reminded me of North, who needed to argue sometimes in order to work out his feelings. Gabriel, as unconfident as he was, needed me to pursue him, to show him I cared.
I took out his cell phone, holding it in my hands. “Would it be okay if, just for today, I spent a bit of time texting him? At least until I can talk to him?”
“Given the circumstances, I may change up him holding onto your cell phone, but we’re waiting on Mr. McCoy, who is sitting outside of school, possibly to see if you leave so he can follow.”
My heart sped up. “He won’t come in?”
“He’s parked behind the JROTC building. He seems to be avoiding everyone. We have people keeping an eye on him. So far, he’s done nothing but observe, much like Mr. Morris and the others who follow us around. It doesn’t make sense why he stays; he knows everyone will be busy in school for a few hours. He doesn’t seem to have a purpose for being here. However, just in case, Gabriel is remaining out of class. We’re trying to lure him out.”
“Maybe he’s back working with Mr. Hendricks? It felt like they had fallen out before.”
“I’m not sure who is on whose team,” he said. “You should keep your distance as much as possible. This might be our chance. Mr. McCoy is shakable. We’ll shake until he gives us the information we need, and then he’ll be taken away.”
This was a dangerous time. I needed to focus and find a way to boost Gabriel a bit to get through this. I asked again about it being okay to use Gabriel’s phone to stay in contact with him.
Mr. Blackbourne nodded. He pulled out his own cell phone. “I’ve got some of my own work to do,” he said.
I was quiet for a long time, staring at the screen on Gabriel’s cell phone. I forced myself to look at only the blank screen, not reading other texts or checking out his other apps.
I didn’t know what to say. Mr. Blackbourne wanted me to confide in Gabriel, to make him feel like I needed him.
I did. Seeing him unhappy made me uncertain. If I couldn’t do this with Gabriel, I wouldn’t be happy.
I cared about him. A lot.
I studied that screen for a long time, lost in my own thoughts. I typed something out, lost what I was saying a moment later and then deleted my words. I wanted to tell him how beautiful and smart he was, but I had the feeling he’d dismiss it. Before, when I’d tried to tell him those things, he waved it off. I thought of when someone complemented me. I appreciated it, but it was sometimes difficult to believe.
Eventually, I came up with something. The truth.
Sang: I told Mr. Blackbourne about going to see Lily and how I need you to not be the one to carry my cell phone.
Sang: So you and I could spend the night tonight. I’ve got so much to talk to you about.
Sang: I want to believe we can be one big team together. It wouldn’t be the same if you weren’t in it. I don’t know how you feel.
Sang: I wish I could talk to you now.
It was as good a plea for his help as I could figure out without going overboard. It was completely honest. Mr. Blackbourne was right; I needed to work on my relationships. With Mr. Blackbourne, we’d come to an understanding somehow. With Dr. Green, he and I moved fast in certain ways, slow in others. With Mr. Blackbourne, we were glacial, but it worked. We knew, in time, our relationship would grow. We had to start slow, to avoid hurt feelings. Like yesterday morning, at breakfast, he’d gone a step too fast and I wasn’t ready. We both made mistakes. We’d fix them with time.
With Gabriel, neither of us could keep up with how deep our connection had become, and it warranted more time and discussion. He’d lost people he cared about. He lacked confidence in himself around the others. He simply needed more attention.
Seconds ticked by after my last message. I considered typing in another one. Words flew through my head, but none sounded right. Even what I sent him wasn’t really the best message. I analyzed it over and over.
I considered getting Mr. Blackbourne to see what I’d written and get some suggestions. But then the buzz of the phone surprised me.
I sat up quickly, excited but fumbling for the phone. The bell rang. I collected my bag, waved goodbye to Mr. Blackbourne and headed to the door to wait on Victor.
I didn’t check the phone until I was out in the hall. While I waited, I read.
Gabriel: I don’t know what to do. You should call Lily. She sent a text asking you to call her.
I waite
d for more but nothing came. That was it.
I wasn’t sure how to feel. Did he not understand? His message was so solemn. Dismissive. I don’t know. Ask someone else.
I lowered the phone. Maybe Gabriel was more upset than we realized.
TESTS AND TRIALS
I still hadn’t thought of what else to say to Gabriel on the way, and by the time I got into class, Mr. Morris handed out a test, the one which I’d forgotten about. I’d read and reviewed the material Friday, but I should have studied more over the weekend.
“Don’t expect to get away with cheating,” Mr. Morris said. He smelled heavily of cologne today, not quite masking something else. I thought perhaps he’d skipped a shower this morning and was trying to make up for it with the heady scent.
The test was about world history, but my mind was on Gabriel the entire time. My eyes blurred over the words, not connecting. I might have known the material, but wasn’t in the mood for a test. I wanted to find Gabriel and talk to him.
I stared at Victor’s back, wishing he’d turn around, see how uncomfortable I was, and help give me the courage to stand up and leave. I’d never wanted to skip class so much before.
Time dragged. The clock seemed to slow. I would see Gabriel at lunch, I told myself. It wasn’t far away. Still, the seconds ticked by. I forced myself to concentrate and ended up getting finished sooner. It was agony, because I’d have to continue to wait until it was time to go. Now I had nothing to do.
Some students started to turn the tests in.
“When you’re finished, you can sit quietly and read,” Mr. Morris said. “But you cannot use your cell phone. Read a textbook for once in your life.”
I sighed, got up, and stood in the small line to pass in my test papers.
I stared at Mr. Morris as I waited my turn. I’d been told to stay away from him, but I was compelled, for some reason, to speak with him. If McCoy was out of the way, nothing would distract Gabriel. Mr. Morris might know what McCoy was up to. But I wasn’t sure how to ask, and with Victor and North right there...
