by Alexa Land
I glanced at the time on my phone and took a long drink of iced tea before getting up. It was a little after nine p.m., so I said, “I need to get going. I’ll be back here tomorrow morning at ten sharp.” That was when the caravan for L.A. was planning to roll out.
“You sure you don’t want me to pick you up at your apartment?” Jessie asked. “It’s really no trouble.”
“No thanks. I have an errand I need to do in the morning, so I’ll just come here afterwards.”
After I said goodbye, I drove to the Whitman’s neighborhood and was immediately reminded why I usually used public transit. It took nearly half an hour to find a parking space. It was so far away that it took another fifteen minutes to jog to the hotel once I parked.
As soon as I rounded the corner of the street the hotel was on, I spotted Finn in the window of room two-fifteen, watching for me like he always did. We’d met there twenty times before. He’d spent every night off with me from June to August, as well as a few nights when he worked the day shift. I was approaching from a different direction this time, so he didn’t see me. I could tell he was a bit worried from his body language, probably because I was never late. I waved to him, but he still didn’t spot me.
I pushed open the door and nodded to the desk clerk as I called, “Hey, Robert.”
“Hey Chance. You’re late.”
“I was dumb enough to drive down here and ended up parking in another area code.”
“He brought you a present,” the man told me with a grin. “Sorry, spoiler alert. It was cute, he was all excited.” Robert’s initial distrust of me had been replaced with friendliness as the weeks went on. I was pretty sure that was because Finn had been killing him with kindness, and that ended up spilling over to me.
I smiled at him as I crossed the lobby. “You’re awful at keeping secrets. Do you tell your wife what all her birthday presents are beforehand?” It wasn’t the first time Finn had brought me something, and it also wasn’t the first time the desk clerk had told me ahead of time.
“She picks them out herself, otherwise I probably would. Birthdays are basically an excuse to go shopping as far as she’s concerned.”
The door to two-fifteen was closed when I got to the second floor. Usually Finn was in the doorway waiting for me. I knocked and he swung it open a moment later, then grabbed me in a hug and exclaimed, “You snuck up on me!”
“I did! I tried to get your attention when I was outside, but you didn’t see me. I drove and parking was impossible. That’s why I’m late, sorry about that.”
He lifted me off my feet and carried me into the room, and as the door shut behind us, I wrapped my arms and legs around him. “I’m so happy you’re here,” he said. “I started to get worried. I thought maybe you’d left early for your trip.”
“I wouldn’t do that without telling you.”
Finn kissed me before murmuring, “I’m going to miss you so fucking much, Chance. What am I supposed to do without you for a week or two?”
I felt a sharp pang of guilt at that. I’d decided to end it with him, using my road trip as the stopping point. He didn’t know that, though, and I wasn’t going to tell him yet. I didn’t want a cloud hanging over us on our last night together.
It had to end. He was giving me his entire life savings. Tonight would bring the total to twenty-two thousand dollars, counting the grand from our night on Twin Peaks. That was insane. It wasn’t like he was some trust fund kid, and I hated the thought of him damaging himself financially just to be with me.
There was another reason why it had to end, too. Over the past few weeks, I’d utterly failed in trying not to get attached to him. He was so sweet and kind and sexy, and just so damn beautiful inside and out. I was falling hard for Finn Nolan, and that could not happen. The fact that he was a cop and I was a prostitute was only the start of all that was wrong with that. I was in no way capable of being in a relationship, and it wasn’t as if a closeted police officer would even want a relationship with me in the first place. Sure, he enjoyed our time together, but that was light years away from wanting to make it into something real. There was just no freaking way.
I pushed those thoughts aside as Finn laid me on the bed and stretched out beside me. He traced my face with his fingertips and whispered, “You make me so happy, Chance.” Another wave of guilt accompanied that, but I pushed it aside and kissed him.
Things soon got hot and heavy, and after we undressed and he donned a condom, he fucked me slowly, watching my reactions. He’d learned a lot the last few weeks and knew just what to do to make me feel good. I came before he did, and he finished a minute later, throwing his head back and moaning.
He stayed in me for a while afterwards, kissing and caressing me, before finally going to clean up in the bathroom. When he came back, he jumped onto the bed playfully and grabbed me in an embrace, rolling us over so I was on top of him. He kissed my hand before saying, “I have something for you. It’s in the nightstand.”
I never told him that the desk clerk ruined his surprises because I didn’t want him to be disappointed. I sat up and straddled him as I pulled open the drawer. It contained a cupcake in a white box and a small, flat package meticulously wrapped in blue-and-white-striped paper. “You didn’t have to get me anything, Finn,” I told him.
“I know, but I wanted to. I hope you like it.” He pulled an extra pillow behind his head as I carefully unwrapped the package, preserving the paper.
Inside was a beautiful, indigo blue journal embossed with a compass rose. “I saw that in a bookstore and thought maybe you could use it on your road trip to record your memories,” he told me. “I mean, you’ll probably be doing that already with photos, but, I don’t know. Maybe you’ll want to write stuff down, too. Whenever I go on a long drive I end up lost in thought, to the point where I often have to double back to get to my exits because I roll right past them. Anyway, I don’t know. Maybe that’s a dumb gift, but I hope you like it.”
“I absolutely love it. Thank you.”
I leaned down and kissed him, and when I sat up again he said, “Really? You’re not just saying that?”
“I promise I love it.” I stood it up on the nightstand, and he shifted us around and cradled me against his side.
“I found a food truck today that sells insanely good cupcakes and had one of these with my lunch.” He grinned at me and said, “Okay, I’m lying. I had three of these as my lunch. I know you like chocolate, so I wanted you to try this.”
“Thank you, Finn.” He’d been doing that a lot lately, bringing me little delicacies. I found it incredibly touching.
He broke off a bit of the dark, rich cake and fed it to me. “Oh my God, that’s amazing,” I exclaimed, licking the salted caramel frosting from my lips. I let him feed me two more bites before saying, “I’m full. Have the rest.”
I broke off a bit of cupcake just like he’d done and held it to his lips, but Finn rolled his eyes. “You are not full! You just know I like it so you’re trying to give it to me.”
“No, really. I can’t eat any more.”
“I don’t even sort of believe you.”
I grinned at him and said, “Please have some.”
Finn sighed and ate the bite I offered him, then licked my fingers clean. “You’re so sweet. Sweeter than that cupcake,” he said before kissing me.
He refused to eat more, and once he’d fed me the rest, he pulled the blanket over us and snuggled with me. After a while he said softly, “I need you to promise me something.”
“What?”
“Promise you’ll be so incredibly careful on your road trip. Drive really safe, okay? And watch yourself if you stay at any of those cheap motels right off the freeway, a lot of crime happens in those places. I need you to come back to me safe and sound, Chance.”
My heart broke at that, and I wrapped my arms around him and held on tight. I was going to miss him so damn much. He’d been incredibly kind to me, kinder than anyone ever had been be
fore and probably ever would be again. I buried my face in his shoulder and he hugged me to him and kissed my hair.
*****
I hadn’t meant to doze off, but when I awoke it was morning and Finn was gone. I tried to push down the disappointment that welled up in me. I’d wanted more time with him, even just an extra hour or two, and was so mad at myself for falling asleep.
There was a white envelope on the nightstand, along with a note. It said: I’ll miss you so much. Please be safe, Chance. I’m looking forward to your return. I felt like crying, but instead I sighed quietly and went to use the orange scented soap and shampoo for the last time.
After I showered and got dressed, checking and re-checking that the little journal was tucked in my jacket pocket, I said goodbye to the Whitman and retrieved my car. I drove to my apartment and picked up the backpack I was taking to L.A., along with a thick, nine-by-eleven envelope with Finn’s name on it, which I’d hidden under the refrigerator. I slipped the little white envelope from that morning inside the bigger brown one, slung the backpack over my shoulder, and locked up behind me. I knocked on Zachary’s door but he wasn’t home, so I went downstairs and continued on to the police station. I knew Finn’s schedule so knew he wouldn’t be there, but that was the whole idea.
I went up to the huge, muscle-bound police officer with a crewcut who sat behind the front counter and put the brown envelope in front of him as I said, “Could you please make sure Finn Nolan gets that? It’s important.”
He frowned a little as he got to his feet and said in a deep voice, “I can’t accept that for security reasons.” God lord, the guy had to be about six-eight.
“Oh! Shit, I didn’t think of that. Look, it’s not, like, anything harmful. That’s just something that belongs to him and I need to give it back.” I pulled out my wallet and showed him my driver’s license. “Here’s my I.D. If I was a terrorist or something, I wouldn’t show that to you. Please, just give the envelope to Finn. It’s really important.”
The guy glanced at my I.D. and looked surprised. “Your name’s Chance.”
“Yeah.”
“Finn mentioned you.”
Now it was my turn to look surprised. “He did?”
The cop nodded as I put away my wallet. “I don’t think he meant to. I’m not always behind a desk, usually he and I patrol together. He was smiling about something and staring out the window of the squad car a couple weeks ago. Looked like he was a million miles away. When I asked what he was so happy about, he said, ‘Chance.’ I asked who that was and he got really flustered and changed the subject. What are you to him?”
“A friend.”
The big officer knit his brows and studied me for a moment. Finally he asked, “What’s in the envelope?”
“It’s personal.”
He picked it up and weighed it in his hands, then said, “There’s a lot of cash in there.”
I hadn’t been expecting that, and no way was I going to tell him the envelope held twenty-two thousand dollars. There was just no explaining that much money. Instead I thought quickly and said, “You’re right. That’s nearly eight hundred dollars in small bills. Finn loaned me some money and I’m paying him back. You can see why I didn’t want to put it in the mail.”
The cop considered that, still studying me carefully, and asked, “What was the loan for?”
“A car repair. My Honda’s older than I am. It needed a whole new transmission.” I was completely bullshitting, but he seemed to buy it.
After another moment, he picked up the phone and hit a button, then spoke into it, saying, “Come up to the front desk for a minute.” He hung up without waiting for a reply and told me, “Most people would have written a check. It’s not a good idea to carry a bunch of cash around.”
“You’re right.”
“Why aren’t you giving this back to him in person?”
“Because I’m heading out of town and won’t see him again before I go.” I actually got to tell the truth that time.
Someone came up behind the cop, and a familiar voice said, “We talked about this, Duke. Don’t just call people and then hang up without telling them why they’re being summoned. I mean, I don’t care, but it ticks off our coworkers.”
“Sorry,” the big cop said, turning and putting the envelope in Finn’s hands. “Your friend’s here. He wanted to give you that.”
Finn looked shocked when the big cop moved aside and he spotted me, but he replaced it a moment later with a halfway decent poker face. “Thanks, Duke. I’m going to walk my friend out. I’ll be right back.”
He waited until we were on the sidewalk before asking, “What are you doing here?”
“You weren’t supposed to be here. You told me you started at five.”
“We’ve been short-staffed so I got called in for a double. Wait, you didn’t come here to see me?” I shook my head, and he looked at the envelope in his hands. “What is this?”
“I have to go,” I said, and turned and started to flee.
“Wait.” I paused and glanced back at him. He unwound the string that held the brown envelope shut and peered inside.
“There’s a note. I have to go, I’m expected at Nana’s,” I told him.
“What’s going on?” He pulled a sheet of paper from the envelope, shook it to unfold it, and scanned the handwritten letter. Then he looked up at me. “I don’t understand. Why are you ending it?”
I mumbled, staring at the pavement, “I just can’t do this anymore.”
He folded the note and stuck it in his pocket, then pulled a handful of white envelopes from the larger one. “Why are you giving me the money back?”
“Because it’s fucking insane, Finn. That’s twenty-two thousand dollars! What were you thinking? It must be your entire nest egg. No possible way can I take that from you!” I’d spent some of it at first, but as the money kept accumulating and I realized he had to be bankrupting himself, I’d replaced it with cash from my savings, so I was giving back every penny.
He put the envelopes back where he’d found them and tried to hand the brown envelope to me. “I wanted you to have this money.”
“It’s way too much. I really have to go.” I turned and started to walk away, but Finn followed me.
“Just tell me what I did wrong.”
“Nothing! Absolutely nothing.”
“Chance, wait. Let’s talk about this.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. I’m just not going to do this anymore.”
“But I thought we had something good. I thought you liked being with me.”
We’d reached the Honda and I went around to the driver’s side, then looked at him over the roof of the car and said quietly, even though there was no one in close proximity, “Don’t you get it, Finn? I like it too much. I like you too much. I can’t keep being your whore, and I can’t keep draining your bank account. Both of those things are breaking my heart, and I’m just not going to do either one anymore.”
“You’re not my whore, Chance.”
I looked him in the eye and asked, “Then what am I to you?”
“You’re….” He stopped talking and looked away.
That hurt so much that I actually felt it in my chest, a sharp stab of disappointment. But what did I expect, a declaration of love? Come on.
“Exactly,” I said sharply. “I’m nothing, just some rent boy you took pity on. Was that money supposed to save me? Is that why you kept completely overpaying me? Were you going to keep going until I had enough to retire from the business? Well, I don’t need or want to be saved. Put that money back in your retirement account or wherever you took it from, and let’s forget any of this ever happened!”
I got in my car and drove away, muttering, “Shit,” as I looked in the rearview mirror. He was standing right where I left him, a dazed expression on his face. I knew I’d fucked up. There had been no reason to get mad at Finn, he hadn’t deserved that. I didn’t even know what I’d been angry about.
> A profound sense of loss settled on me, which just showed that I’d done the right thing by ending it. I’d lost all perspective where Finn was concerned and had gotten way too attached to him. He hadn’t been my friend or lover or boyfriend, and the fact that it felt like I’d lost all of those things was fucking insane.
It was good that the trip to L.A. and my road trip were coming up. I desperately needed a change of scenery and some time alone to try to get a grip. Hopefully by the time I got back, I’d be able to manage the dull, empty ache that filled my chest.
Chapter Ten
“You okay?” Nico said that into my ear to be heard over the noise. We were at the L.A. Coliseum, and it felt totally surreal. Gianni’s boyfriend Zan was performing songs I’d grown up with while ninety thousand people sang along. We were just offstage behind a big, black curtain and could see about half the audience from our position. The crowd was on their feet, swaying like the ocean. It was totally overwhelming, but Zan seemed to take it in stride.
I nodded and linked arms with Nico. I was still trying to process what had happened just that morning with Finn in front of the police station, and had spent most of the six-hour drive to Los Angeles staring out the window of the limo. Nico and I had sat up front with Jessie to keep him company, while Nana and her family had a party in the back.
This was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I tried to shake off the funk I was in and enjoy the concert. But I kept seeing Finn’s face and his blue eyes. I kept remembering the way he’d touched me and held me the night before, and how good it had felt. He wasn’t your boyfriend, I reminded myself. He was just some guy who was paying you.
But nobody had ever treated me like that. He’d been so kind to me. I touched my denim jacket and felt the little journal in my pocket. Regardless of what I’d been to him, he’d meant more to me than I wanted to admit and it was going to take time to get over him.
