by Anita Heiss
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
Chapter one Sydney vs. Melbourne
Chapter two The SWOT analysis
Chapter three NO sex, NO ciggies and NO-ONE calling me babe!
Chapter four Aunt Homophobe
Chapter five Saying goodbye
Chapter six Settling in fine, with vegan wine and a place that's mine
Chapter seven Manipulative Max
Chapter eight Getting cultured in Melbourne
Chapter nine Two snow peas in a wok
Chapter ten Painful piercings
Chapter eleven Toorak and tramlines
Chapter twelve Lesbians, lattes and La Rambla
Chapter thirteen Facebook friends and a fundraiser
Chapter fourteen Italy on eight hours' sleep
Chapter fifteen Happy Easter
Chapter sixteen Poetic policing
Chapter seventeen The stalker cop
Chapter eighteen No pig jokes, no pick-up lines
Chapter nineteen Foot in mouth
Chapter twenty The first serious argument
Chapter twenty-one Babysitting
Chapter twenty-two Stock market cum meat market
Chapter twenty-three Luna Park
Chapter twenty-four Finding the answers for myself and others
Chapter twenty-five The art of seduction or seductive art?
Chapter twenty-six Dinner at Jacques Reymond
Chapter twenty-seven It's nice being a couple
Chapter twenty-eight Woodford Dreaming
Chapter twenty-nine Saltwater, spas and steam rooms
Chapter thirty A trip to the G
Chapter thirty-one End the intervention! Human rights for all!
Chapter thirty-two Authentically, not!
Chapter thirty-three Virgin to Vegas
Chapter thirty-four The hairdresser with heavenly hands but a world view from hell
Chapter thirty-five Caring for Constable Care
Chapter thirty-six The 'too cute' guy
Chapter thirty-seven My Melbourne Cup floweth over
Chapter thirty-eight A day at the Guggenheim and the gardens
Chapter thirty-nine The World Famous Fat Bastard Burger
Chapter forty Singing the Kimberley
Chapter forty-one Kissing cousins
Chapter forty-two New Year resolutions
Chapter forty-three Heavy hearts
Chapter forty-four Should old acquaintance . . .
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Extract: Not Meeting Mr Right
Avoiding
Mr Right
Anita Heiss
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted by any person or entity, including internet search engines or retailers, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including printing, photocopying (except under the statutory exceptions provisions of the Australian Copyright Act 1968), recording, scanning or by any information storage and retrieval system without the prior written permission of Random House Australia. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author's and publisher's rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.
Avoiding Mr Right
ePub ISBN 9781864715828
Kindle ISBN 9781864716528
A Bantam book
Published by Random House Australia Pty Ltd
Level 3, 100 Pacific Highway, North Sydney, NSW 2060
www.randomhouse.com.au
First published by Bantam in 2008
Copyright © Anita Heiss 2008
The moral right of the author has been asserted.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted by any person or entity, including internet search engines or retailers, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying (except under the statutory exceptions provisions of the Australian Copyright Act 1968), recording, scanning or by any information storage and retrieval system without the prior written permission of Random House Australia.
Addresses for companies within the Random House Group can be found at www.randomhouse.com.au/offices
National Library of Australia
Cataloguing-in-Publication Entry
Heiss, Anita, 1968–
Avoiding Mr Right.
ISBN 978 1 86325 604 9 (pbk.)
Man–woman relationships – Fiction.
A823.3
Cover illustration and design by saso content & design pty ltd
Internal design by V J Battersby, typeset in Adobe Caslon Pro 11.5/15.5
Printed and bound by Griffin Press, South Australia
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real people or events is entirely coincidental.
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
one
Sydney vs. Melbourne
'I'm moving to Melbourne,' I blurted, and waited for the fallout.
'What?' My three friends chorused their disbelief, their voices echoing through Sauce Bar, which was uncharacteristically empty for a Sunday afternoon. It was a scorcher, so most locals were on the beach, and it was just us in the restaurant.
I'd known for three weeks I was moving, but wanted to wait until we were all together so I could deliver my prepared speech. I heard the umpire call 'Six!' from across the road as the local cricket match entertained the few spectators sitting under the thirty-degree sun. A drop of sweat made its way down my leg as I took a deep breath and began.
'I've been given the chance of lifetime – a job as a manager in the newly formed Department of Media, Sports, Arts, Refugees and Indigenous Affairs.'
'You mean DOMSARIA?' Liza confirmed, and sucked an oyster from its shell.
'Yes. With my policy-making experience, there's a real chance that I can move through the ranks quickly – and to be honest, there's no reason why I couldn't one day be the Minister for Cultural Affairs. We're always talking about how we never have Blackfellas managing our portfolio.'
'Wow, that's huge,' Alice said. 'But . . .'
'But what? I don't want to hear buts from my friends today. I want to hear That's great, congratulations, we're happy for you.'
'Of course it's great,' Alice said.
'And congratulations on the promotion,' Dannie added.
'And, yes, we're happy for you.' Liza lifted her glass in a toast.
'But . . .' they all said in unison.
'It's just that it's so sudden. We're a bit shocked,' Alice said.
'And why Melbourne?' Liza asked.
'I know, I know, it's not ideal, but this job is in Melbourne, so that's where I'll be. And besides, it's only for a year.'
'Don't be ridiculous, Peta, you hate Melbourne,' Liza said accusingly.
'Loathe Melbourne would be more accurate,' Alice said as she stuffed a hand-cut chip in her mouth.
'Actually, I don't believe I have ever heard you say a nice word about Melbourne,' Dannie reminded me. She was right – they were all right – but how could I agree with them now that I'd made the decision, accepted the offer and started packing?
'So, you're taking James with you, then?' said Alice. And there it was: the obvious question.
I tried to keep it light.
'Are you kidding? Taking a man to Melbourne would be like taking a sandwich to a smorgasbord.'
The girls looked at me in disbelief.
'I thought you were getting serious,' said Alice. 'Peta, he's totally into you. Surely you don't want to be single again?'
I had been in a relationship with James for eight months, but the more serious he got, the more unsure I became of myself and of us as
a couple. He was already talking about moving in with me, and I felt pressured. He was a lot like Alice, wanting to get married and have kids by a certain date. He wanted it all done and dusted by the time he was thirty-five. He was thirty-three, but I was still only thirty.
'I actually liked being single before I met James. Remember? I used to have loads of fun. Of course I have fun now, but I'm just saying, being single wasn't a drag for me like it was for you.' Alice looked confused and I couldn't blame her. For the eight months I'd been seeing James we'd always been together on weekends and seemed very tight, but he was also one of the reasons I had to leave Sydney. At this point in my career, he was an albatross around my neck.
'Look at my track record – I've been in love so many times but it never lasts. Men never satisfy me like my job does, so I stay in the same work and just change the boyfriend, and somehow I'm always relatively happy and content, pretty much like you girls but around the other way.' As I said it, it made complete sense to me. I had finally worked it out: my best relationship to date had been with my job, not men.
'You know what you are?' Dannie said, waving her fork at me – something she'd rouse on her kids for doing at the dinner table.
'Tell me, oh wise one. What am I?' Dannie was getting a glow up and was about to throw some pearler at me.
'You're love fickle. Love fickle! That's what you are.' And the other two nodded in agreement.
'Do tell.' I was amused.
'You've had more crushes than I've had fights over TV on at the dinner table, and that's every other day,' Dannie said.
'That's a bit harsh,' I said. I'd had a few boyfriends, but did that make me love fickle? 'At least I'm not a relationship accelerator, thinking about getting married on every first date.' I didn't look at Alice but she knew I was talking about her. So did the other girls. We'd all been through Alice's ten-point plan to find her Mr Right, and in the end he turned out to be the guy who'd been emptying her garbage bin every day for years. Before meeting Gary every date she went on somehow turned into an interview for a potential husband.
I was completely the opposite. While Alice used to say she loved being single, I don't think she actually meant it. The difference was I did. I had never dreamed about the wedding and white picket fence – or in the case of Coogee, the car space outside the flat. That was Alice's dream. I dreamed about professional accolades and titles and an office door with my name on it. I wanted the power to make change through government policy. I wanted the high-flying career and a team of staff – and a pay cheque to match. I wasn't embarrassed to say I loved shopping. I was the Imelda Marcos of our group because I had an obsession with shoes. (Dannie, the only parent in our posse, always pointed out, 'You only have two feet, Peta. How many pairs of shoes do you need?') I didn't have that 'sacrifice-everything-for-your-kids' gene that married, maternal women had. I had the me-me-me-gene, and I was quite comfortable with it.
'Look, the reality is that I'm not ready to settle down yet, and I want to be completely sure when I do. I want to have my own life sorted out first and then I'll be ready to share it, properly.'
'But James is a great guy. A good guy. An honest, caring, generous guy.' Alice looked me straight in the eye. She'd be pissed off if I let him go. He was truly a rare find, particularly in Sydney.
'And he's gorgeous,' Liza added with a mouthful of salad.
'And he'd do anything for you. God, I can't imagine you'd ever have to nag him,' Dannie said, then sipped long on her wine. 'And you'd never have to work. He would make the perfect husband.'
'But I want to work. That's the point. I want to be out there doing it, making social change, not changing nappies.' I looked to Dannie. 'No offence.'
'And just because he'd make the perfect husband, does that mean he's perfect for me?'
'I reckon he's your soul mate, Peta, and you only get one of those,' Alice said.
'My soul mate is McDreamy, but I can't marry him,' Liza said and we all laughed. They were probably right about me and James. He certainly was a lovely bloke. Considerate, caring, wonderful, funny, sexy. I couldn't really fault him. But sometimes I thought he loved me too much. It didn't seem healthy. With James I couldn't do anything wrong, even when I did.
'You're all right, of course – we're getting on just fine. James is a great guy and he's perfect. And I do love him dearly, but this is the chance of a lifetime.' What I was doing was right for me and for James. I was being fair to both of us. I'd be a more complete woman when I returned in twelve months.
Alice just wouldn't let it rest. 'I know you always enjoyed the single life, but I thought maybe this time you'd met your Mr Right, just like I did with Gary.' I wasn't quite sure if it was friendly concern or something else in her voice. I tightened up my halter neck dress, and sighed.
'Look Alice, your holy grail might have been finding Mr Right, but mine has never been that. I've only ever wanted to enjoy my life, make some social change where I could through Indigenous education or whatever, and then, oh, I don't know, maybe one day settle down, when there's nothing else to do. Isn't that enough for now? I would've thought you'd be happy for me.' I delivered my words with a dramatic tremble in my voice and a quivering bottom lip, trying to make them all feel guilty. I could feel the alcohol kicking in and stood up for effect, not quite sure what I was going to do next. They all looked at me startled, as if to say, What are you doing?
'I'm going to have a smoke.'
I think they thought I was about to cry and if they kept humbugging me I probably would have. I tripped over my handbag, pushed my chair out of the way, turned towards the door and steadied myself. Guilt was good when used correctly. I'd got a lot of favours from whitefellas by suggesting that something be done for me 'in the spirit of reconciliation'. Couldn't pull that card with these girls, but guilt can come in many forms, and they were now riddled with it. As I walked off Alice sang after me.
'We are happy for you! Of course we are! We're delighted for you, sis, don't get upset. God, we've got somewhere to go for weekends away now and great shopping.'
'Excellent shopping,' Dannie said loudly.
'And great restaurants,' Liza bellowed. There were still no other patrons so we had claimed the entire restaurant as ours.
I stood outside rolling a cigarette. I'd really have to give up smoking when I moved to Melbourne. People always told me I had a beautiful smile, but the nicotine was starting to affect it. James had always hated me smoking, and drinking for that matter.
'Can you clean your teeth before you kiss me? Can you do that outside? Haven't you got better things to spend your money on?' His 'stop-smoking' nagging was relentless, but the girls never saw that. And as for drinking, he always counted how many I'd had, even when I wasn't driving.
When I went back inside, Liza was still stuffing her face. She could always pack it away in the past, but I noticed that she'd clearly gained some weight over the past few months since moving in with Tony. I'd read that contentment with Mr Right saw couples put on something like five kilograms in the first three years together. I certainly couldn't afford to do that. My skinny Murri ankles were flat out holding me up as it was, and when I did put on weight it went straight to my boobs. James being the architect used to say, 'If you were a building you'd be structurally unsound.'
When I sat down, no-one said a word. The mood was uncomfortable. 'Well, what now?' I asked no-one in particular. Liza immediately sat upright and grabbed a pen and pad from her bag, looking slightly pissed but nonetheless in control.
'No, please, not that. Anything but that!' I said.
two
The SWOT analysis
'Why don't we do a SWOT analysis about you moving to Melbourne, just to be sure it's the right thing to do?' Liza said.
'Oh, it's right for me, love,' I told her. 'Do you want to see if it's right for you girls if I go? Is that what this is about? Okay, I'm fine with that. Why don't we start with the fact that at least going to Melbourne means I won't have to keep doing
bloody SWOTs all the time?
'Let's SWOT whether Alice should meet Mr Right. Let's SWOT Dannie having another child. Let's SWOT Liza moving in with Tony, let's SWOT which restaurant to try, let's SWOT, let's SWOT, let's SWOT. I feel like our lives are just one ongoing SWOT analysis! Sometimes I wanna bloody well swat you, Liza!'
