“Except that he’s a man-whore!” I protested.
“And my mama always said that reformed rakes make the best husbands. Hell, look at Shane. He was a huge player in high school before he met me our senior year, and he settled right down and into a long-distance relationship when I decided to come here for school. He’d like nothing more than to put his ring on my finger, and nobody would have ever expected it of him four years ago,” Charlotte argued.
I stopped to consider the point she was making, and it was a good one. Just because a guy played around a lot didn’t mean that when he really fell for a girl he wouldn’t be able to be faithful. If anything, maybe at our age it would make him more likely to be able to not cheat since he’d already been with so many other women and worked it out of his system. But that didn’t mean that Jackson Silver was the guy for me, and I wasn’t even looking for Mr. Right in my life. Maybe a Mr. Right Now, but not a forever guy. Charlotte was relentless when she was trying to make a point though. Better to deflect the conversation now or spend the rest of the semester with her trying to catch Jackson for me.
“I hear what you’re saying, and if I meet a guy like that who’s totally into me, I promise to at least consider giving him a chance. But I am really glad you mentioned Shane and a ring. Do you think he’s going to pop the question over Christmas break? Because as you pointed out to me, we are graduating soon, and I’m sure he’s hoping that you’ll be ready to come back home and become Mrs. Shane Sorenson.”
She flopped down onto my pillows and tossed her right arm over her face, covering her eyes. “Ugh! I just don’t know. I love Shane, I really do. But do I really want to take my brand-new college degree back to the middle of nowhere in Tennessee and hope that my parents will use some of my ideas to market the bar while Shane’s training horses at his dad’s place?”
“You know your parents will listen to your ideas. They might not use them all, but they pushed for you to go away to college so you could spread your wings a bit,” I reminded her.
“I know,” she sighed. “I guess I just pictured something different for my future than the same life in a small town that my parents have.”
“Then tell Shane that. Give him a chance to give you the something different that you’re dreaming of. He worships the ground you walk on. Are you ready to walk away and give him up?”
“No! I can’t picture my life without him in it,” she protested. “We didn’t survive four years of college and a long-distance relationship only for me to dump him when I graduate. I just need to figure out what I want. But I hate the thought of him making any more sacrifices to be with me.”
“You both made sacrifices to be together,” I reminded her. “You’ve missed out on lots of things here because you have a boyfriend waiting at home for you. Don’t forget that. Plus, he’s the one who pushed for you guys to stay together when you left.”
“You’re right. I just wish I was happier about going home is all,” Charlotte worried. “I really am looking forward to being closer to Shane. I’m just not excited about going back to small-town life.”
“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s not like you’re living life in the fast lane up here, Char. Things can’t be that much different on campus than they are back home. You’ve got the same gossip mill, and the campus is about the size of your town.”
“True. I guess it’s just that I dreamed of getting out, and now I’m going back right away. It’s hard to explain.”
As much as I loved Char, it was kind of hard to hear her complain about an option I would kill to have. “I hear what you’re saying, but just remember how lucky you are to have a home, parents who will support any decision you make, and a great guy to go back to when you graduate. I have no idea what I’m going to do or where I’m going to go. It’s not like moving back in with my aunt is even an option since I’m an adult now.”
“Oh, Kaylie. I’m such a whiny bitch! Ignore me. I’ll figure out what I want soon enough, and you know that you are always welcome back home with me, too. My parents would love to have you while you’re trying to decide between all the offers you know you’re going to get! They can’t wait to see you during break.”
I chuckled in response to her enthusiasm. She wasn’t exaggerating either. Her parents would absolutely let me stay with them while I was trying to decide what to do next. Although I doubted she was right about me getting offers to dance professionally. My decision to attend college at my parents’ alma mater might come back to bite me in the ass when it came to that. But it had been worth it to spend four years feeling closer than ever to them.
Chapter 2
Jackson
I’d never been happier for Christmas break in my life. Going to college in my hometown meant I could always do a quick laundry run or grab a home-cooked meal at my house. It also meant that breaks didn’t seem so special since it was just a short drive home, but this time was different. I needed some space to come to terms with what I’d lost. Hell, what I had basically thrown away due to my own damn stupidity if I was completely honest with myself.
I’d always assumed that there would be plenty of time for Lex and me to become a couple. It never fucking crossed my mind that she’d find someone else before I’d realized she was ready for a relationship again. She’d spent two years commuting to and from class while living at home with her dad, barely hitting the school’s social scene unless Aubrey had dragged her to something.
So what had I done with that time while she had been healing? I’m a guy—I’d enjoyed myself while she hadn’t been around. She wasn’t my girlfriend yet, so I’d figured I would sow my wild oats before I tied myself to Lex. And I’d had a lot of oats to sow. I’d enjoyed myself, playing the field and pretty much trying anything and everything. It never ceased to amaze me what girls were willing to do to grab a guy’s attention. I wanted to get it out of my system so that I could be a good husband and father like my dad. I’d worked damn hard at it too, blowing my way through a lot of chicks on campus while waiting for Lex to come around.
Then Lex’s dad convinced her that she needed to get the full college experience, and she moved into the dorm with my sister. I knew it was the first step and made sure I stopped messing around because I didn’t want my escapades to blow back on her. And I sure as hell didn’t want Lex to think I was with some other girl when she was ready to date again.
I thought that I had it all planned out. I knew that my sister would make it easy for me, and I was right. When she asked me if they could come to the first frat party of the school year, I jumped at the chance to hang out with Lex. I knew she wouldn’t be very excited about a frat party, so I decided to steal her away to my room to watch movies, letting her think that I was rescuing her when I really just wanted her all to myself before my frat brothers got too close of a look at her.
I guess I wasn’t fast enough since Drake saw her when we went to grab one last beer before heading upstairs. Even in the middle of his argument with Sasha, I knew he had noticed her, and I made sure he thought she was mine already. And I sure as shit didn’t introduce the two of them after I’d seen her checking him out. I let Lex think whatever she wanted when she wondered why I hadn’t introduced them to each other, half hoping she’d assume he was a douche and stay away from him. What I hadn’t counted on was Drake’s booking a flight with her dad and her going along as co-pilot. Or his deciding to chase after her hard once he’d realized that she wasn’t my girl. And certainly not her falling for him so hard and fast that the next time I saw her she was already out of my reach.
I wanted to blame Drake, but it was my own damn fault that I hadn’t moved faster. I’d wasted time on girls whose names I didn’t even remember the next morning instead of making it clear to Lex that I wanted her for my own. I wanted to be pissed at Lex for falling for Drake, but how could I when she was so disgustingly happy? She looked at him in a way that she never had me, and I needed to deal with the fact that she’d only ever seen me as her big
brother. And that was what this break was going to be all about for me—taking the time to adjust to a future without her in it as anything other than my friend and unofficial part of the family.
I pulled my truck into the driveway and was happy to see that I’d beat Aubrey home. She was bummed that Lex wasn’t going to be around much this break and didn’t understand why I wasn’t pissed that our holiday traditions were going to change now that Lex was going to be out of town with Drake’s family. I figured that she knew something was up with how I’d looked at Lex and how I’d reacted to her and Drake, but she sure as shit wasn’t going to bring it up to me. And there was no way in hell I was going to talk to my little sister about this. She would freak out at the idea that she could have had Lex as her sister-in-law. Then she’d be totally bummed that it wasn’t going to happen before finally swinging back to being thrilled that Lex was so happy with Drake.
I walked into the house, happy to have a little bit of time to myself, but then I saw my dad waiting inside. I knew he was going to have questions about how I felt about Lex and Drake, but I wasn't sure that I was ready to answer them. I loved my dad. Don't get me wrong. But I hadn't come to terms with how I was gonna handle everything later. I wasn't ready to answer questions yet.
My dad walked up to me and pulled me into a big bear hug. I allowed myself a moment to just enjoy my dad's closeness before I backed away to look him in the eyes.
“Hey, Dad,” I said as he smiled at me. I could see the concern in his expression.
“Jackson?” he asked cautiously. “You doing okay?”
I looked down at the floor, not ready for him to see all of my feelings I’m sure were showing on my face. Most people couldn't read my emotions very easily, but my dad nailed it every single time. “Yeah, Dad. I'm fine,” I answered. There was a pause, and my dad didn't say anything, so I glanced back up at him. I just needed some time to wrap my head around the fact that Lex was gone.
“It'll be okay. I promise, son. You know that I love Lex like my own daughter, and your mom and I would've been thrilled to have her as a daughter-in-law. We saw the way you started to look at her after everything fell apart with Brad, and I’ll admit that we would have loved it if you guys became a couple. That being said, I need to be blunt because I think you need to hear this.”
“Dad,” I interrupted, “I’m not really ready to talk about it yet.”
“I don’t want you to say anything. I just want you to listen and think about this while you’re working it all out in your head. I know you feel like you love her, and you probably do. But I'm just not sure that it’s the type of love you think it is.”
“You don’t know that!”
“Jackson, you aren’t the most patient person in the world. You know that. And yet you waited two years for Lex to come around to the idea of dating again. If your feelings really ran deep, I don’t know that you could have waited that long without doing anything about it. I’m sorry if what I am saying sounds harsh, but you need to think about whether or not your guilt over everything that happened just made you see her in a different light or if you really wanted her that way. Because, son, believe me when I say that when you meet the right one, you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I don’t think you’re the type of guy who would spend a couple years messing around with other girls when she’s right there in front of you.”
I got the point my dad was trying to make, but right now he was just pissing me off. “Just stop right there, Dad. I’m not going to let you discount what I feel for Lex and what it means that she’s with Drake now.”
“That’s not what I am trying to do here, son. Maybe it’s too early for you. I get that you need time to figure this out on your own. Just promise me that you’ll think about what I’ve said while you’re doing that, okay?”
“Sure, Dad. Whatever,” I said, barely able to stop myself from rolling my eyes at him.
“So, awkward change of subject here, but I figured you might need to blow off some steam so I called the dojo to see if they needed any help. Sensei would appreciate it if you can help teach a few classes this week.”
“Great. I think I’ll just grab my stuff and head over there then. I’m sure there’s plenty of stuff I can do to help out if there isn’t a class going right away,” I said before heading upstairs to grab my karate bag.
I might not have been happy to hear what my dad had had to say, but he had really helped me out by setting things up for me to hang out at the dojo. It had always been the place I went to clear my mind. A lot of people didn’t get how fighting brought me peace. But karate wasn’t about the fighting to me as much as it was about self-control, focus, and discipline. And I could really use that focus right about now.
I knew it was going to be a rough couple weeks, but I hadn’t expected to be blindsided this early by that conversation with my dad. I’d hoped that he had already talked to my mom and we could all just enjoy this break without everyone asking me a bunch of questions about my feelings and shit. My time at the dojo was just what I needed to center me.
I spent a few hours teaching classes and loved the look on the faces of the kids when I would show them a new move. It reminded me of when my dad started bringing me to class when I was little. It was crazy to think that now the kids watched me and hoped they would one day be able to do the same moves.
After the class, I had the dojo all to myself and was able to run through some katas before I headed back home. As I began each kata, I took a single deep breath to clear out my mind and calm my nerves. Sensei had taught me that the kata should be regarded as a moving meditation of sorts. I envisioned that my imaginary opponents were real and used enough force so that every strike within the form could be a finishing one. By the time I was done, I was sweating bullets and breathing heavily.
When I got back home and pulled into the driveway, I parked my truck behind Aubrey’s car, ready for a quick escape if I needed it. As I walked into the house, I could hear my sister in the kitchen with Mom. It smelled like dinner was almost ready, but I needed to squeeze a shower in before joining everyone, so I headed straight upstairs before saying hello. I’d never make it out of the kitchen in time with both of them in there.
I tossed my bag into the laundry room, figuring that my mom would clean up my gi if I left it there for her. Strolling into my bathroom, I blasted the water as hot as I could make it before stripping out of my clothes and jumping into the steam. Leaning my head under the water, I just stood there for a moment, enjoying the heat that wrapped around me.
Images of Lex over the last couple of years played through my mind, and I couldn’t help but wonder if my dad was right. Had I been able to wait so patiently because I’d been wrong about what I’d been feeling? It wasn’t like when I had been banging those other chicks that I’d been thinking about her either. Could I have been totally wrong all this time? Was that why it had been so easy for me to help Drake realize how badly he’d fucked up when they got into their fight? I hadn’t even thought twice about setting him straight about her. If I’d really wanted her for myself, wouldn’t it have at least crossed my mind to not say a word and watch their relationship implode?
I shook my head, trying to get the images and questions out of my head. The last thing I needed before heading back down for dinner was to seem like I was worried about something. My mom would see it and act like a shark smelling blood in the water. It was time to paste on a happy face and fake it so she wouldn’t know how much this was on my mind. That little talk with my dad had already been bad enough. I definitely wanted to avoid having a similar one with my mom.
Everyone was getting ready to sit down to dinner by the time I made it back downstairs. It was only the four of us since both of my older brothers were celebrating the holidays with their wives’ families. All of my favorites were on the table, a sure sign that my mom already knew something was up. She’d always used food for comfort. It was a goddamn miracle that neither Aubrey nor I had been fat growing up.
I guess it was a lucky thing that our dad had kept us busy enough to work off all the calories our mom had given us.
I pulled out my mom’s chair, helping her get settled. “Hey, Mom,” I said as I leaned down to kiss her cheek.
“Hi, baby boy,” she smiled up at me. “So happy to have you home for break.”
Yes, my mom was big on nicknames and still liked to call me her baby. It didn’t matter how often I tried to remind her that I was bigger than her. She’d just remind me that she’d carried me for nine months and would always remember me as small as I was when I was born with a sappy-as-shit look on her face. So I didn’t bother saying anything anymore and let it pass, shaking my head as I walked over to my chair.
Aubrey was practically bouncing in her seat with excitement. “Only four more days until Christmas! I can’t wait to make cookies and go shopping and see what amazing presents you got me this year!”
My dad chuckled at her enthusiasm. “Presents? I don’t remember buying any gifts for you this year. Are you sure you weren’t on the naughty list this year?” he teased.
“Oh, please, Daddy. Like Mom would let you do the shopping. You just haven’t seen the credit card bills yet, but I am sure she picked me out something fabulous like she always does. But don’t worry. You’ll still get lots of hugs and kisses from me as a thank-you.”
And that was my sister, buttering up our dad and laying the groundwork for extra gifts. How could he not run out and pick up something for her himself after that comment? She had him wrapped around her little finger and knew how to work him almost as well as our mom did.
I listened to their conversation flow around me, tossing in a comment here and there while watching the clock, ready for dinner to be over. I felt my mom and dad’s concerned glances several times through the night. Aubrey chattered on, drawing their attention away each time. I knew my sister was a talker, but this was a bit much even for her. Which confirmed the fact that they all knew about my feelings for Lex and were worried. So much for a quiet break where I could get my head screwed back on right without anyone asking questions. Fuck!
The Blythe College Complete Series Box Set Page 21
