Perry was done with the guns, and with one giant two handed scooping motion
he threw a big splash of ammo into the cart. “Let’s go.”
They took off, Perry and Eric pushing the cart. Juicy jogging in front, clearing
the path. Juicy had Bessie the shotgun around his shoulders on a strap the whole time, he stopped running and pulled it out. He held it up and pumped a shell into the chamber. It made a cool sounding CHCK CHCK. He looked over his shoulder at the other two.
“I like to keep this handy,” Juicy said with a smile on his face,”for close encounters.”
“I heard that.” The Eric and Perry chorus replied.
They all took off, heading for the front doors. They all, individually, but simultaneously thought how much this was like a movie.
Juicy was leading the way, jogging, at every aisle he would jerk, swinging his
gun left or right, like he was making sure no Aliens were there, or security guards. At one aisle, he grabbed a yellow bag and tossed backwards over his head high into the air, vaguely in the direction of the cart. “Fuuunyons!” He sang in a high pitched voice.
Inside the greasy, sweaty security room one of the rent a cops happened to look at a monitor. He slowly announced,”Hey, you see that?”
“That’s the night cleaning crew you idiot.”
“The night crew are stealing guns and taking a shopping cart full of stuff?”
The other two guards swivelled in their chairs and scooted towards the monitor.
“We’re being robbed boys!” Instantly, they clamored in all directions, grabbing
for guns, tasers, their Walmart security IDs, pulling up their pants.
The highest ranking guard held his shotgun up in the air and screamed his battle cry, “Let’s kill us some hobos!” slobber and spit flying from his mouth. He kicked open the door and they all waddled down the hallway.
The Terrible Threesome were approaching the Walmart front doors, when Perry heard something out of his nightmares. The unmistakable “click” “clack” of Missy’s high heels, in the exact rhythm of a pissed off bitch who wants cocaine.
Eric looked up, and with a mouth full of Funyuns exclamated, “Ohh fuck!” Perry looked up also, his eyes wide, his mouth opening slowly.
Missy was click clacking, one foot in front of the other like on a runway, her
butt bouncing out in the opposite direction of her front foot. Her boobs bouncing in sexy anger (All three guys were watching them.) Giant fly-like sunglasses with eyes of menacing satisfaction behind them. “I got you” She was thinking. She raised one finger and waved it back and forth, like “naughty naughty”. Her Angelina Jolie, botox infused lips slowly began to open, ready to unleash the tirade behind them.
BOOM roared from behind her. The top half of Missy’s head exploded towards Perry, Eric and Juicy. Her hair flew at them like a skunk being hit by a car, brain gore spewing in all directions as it spun. Everything above her bottom lip was gone in a kind of half circle, a stump of shattered bones, ripped veins and jello chunks of grey matter, topped with her bloody, quivering tongue. The stump that used to be her face gurgled, her shaking finger dropped to her side and her body plummeted, tits first into the ground with a sound that was a mixture between a slop and a thud.
Juicy reacted quickly, firing his shotgun towards the front door. For some reason, Juicy was yelling “Boom” each time he fired, like he was playing guns and needed to make the sound effects. Needless to say he didn’t need to make any sound effects, Bessie made plenty of sound.
Eric and Perry were both unarmed and took cover. Eric ducked behind their
cart, Perry grabbed some stuff from the cart and took off down an aisle.
“Fuck!” Juicy moved up and had his back against a wall near the front door.
He started reloading. He looked around, he saw Eric, but didn’t see Perry. He saw dead Missy face down with her ass in the air. He saw she was wearing her pink panties, those were Juicy’s favorite, he’d seen those up her skirt many times before, but never from this position. For a second he stared, and then her dead body released her bowels.
“Uhhhg” From the other side of the front door someone moaned. They were moaning from being shot, not from the bowel thing.
“Are you ok?” Asked the severely overweight security guard.
The tall security guard was shot. Juicy hit him with the wild shots he took. He
moaned again and felt his chest. It was a long shot for a shotgun and his chest was littered with tiny holes, just starting to ooze blood. He raised his hand holding a pistol. “That hobo shot me!”, he stumbled towards the entrance, wobbly pointing his
gun. A few loud cracks went off as he shot into the Walmart trying to aim at the cart, because that’s the only thing he saw.
Juicy was a gamer, he played a lot of online multiplayer shooters. He knew the
rhythm of a gunfight, in his mind, the person that just shot is probably reloading. He popped out of cover with perfect form like he was in Gears of War and fire blasted from the tip of his shotgun, BOOM roared two times again. He could be seen mouthing “Boom!” with each shot, although you couldn’t hear it over Bessie.
The tall guard was done. Now his entire front, from head to toe was polk a dotted with shot holes. He grabbed his body with one hand and his face with the other and fell over, hitting the ground like a falling statue.
“Are you ok?” Asked the obese guard.
The severely overweight guard looked at him like if he could send him a text right now it’d say, “WTF?” And then he motioned at him with his head, like, “You go first.” The severely overweight guard was higher ranking than the obese guard, but he didn’t move. The severely overweight guard motioned at him again, this time with more emphasis. The obese guard gave in and made his move toward the front door. He had no idea were Juicy was, and he was walking right towards him. The obese guard was moving as silently as he could, he must’ve been hoping to surprise his enemies.
The obese guard took a few more silent steps, he thought he was doing pretty good. He looked back at the severely overweight guard, who only kept motioning to go faster. He took another step, creeping ever so slowly toward the front door.
Eric saw this from his hiding place behind the cart. He knew the shopping cart wasn’t good cover, they could shoot his legs. The damned thing even had ammo in it, so if someone shot it, he might be fucked. But Juicy was their target, they may not even know he was here.
Eric noticed the obese guard was almost at the doorway where Juicy was, maybe 10 feet away. Eric made eye contact with Juicy, and whispered with his eyes, “He’s right there!”
The obese security guard took his next stealthy step, but this time he stepped on a loose pack of gummy bears. The wrapper made what seemed like a very loud sound in this moment of silence. The obese guard looked down and thought, “Fuck, I knew gummy bears would be the death of me, but not like this!”
Juicy heard the crinkle and made his move. Popping out of cover again in
perfect form, roaring Bessie leading his attack. Direct hit, the obese guard took a full shotgun shell of shot to the chest. Instinctively the obese guard returned fire, at almost point blank range he didn’t miss, catching Juicy straight in the chest also.
Juicy fired again, blood splashed out from the obese guard’s chest, some hitting Juicy in the face. The guard returned fire again, like they were playing shotgun tennis. Juicy’s right shoulder exploded.
From behind cover the severely overweight guard almost left his safety to help,
almost, but he didn’t.
The two 300 pound shotgun boxers exchanged shots, shredding each other’s
body with shotgun blast after blast. Neither of them giving an inch. Blood poured from each of them, big splashes would shoot out with each shot. One shot from Juicy ripped off big chunk of fat from the guard, and it slopped to the floor. The guard blew off Juicy’s knee and he stumbled as chunks of his kneecap and ten
dons slapped against the wall. As he was falling to the floor Juicy knew he only had one shot left, his coke and adrenaline fueled brain knew it might be the last shot he ever takes. He had read the Dark Tower, he knew you do not aim with your hand, and he knew you had to kill with your heart.
His heart took the last shot and Bessie roared for one last time, ripping the left side of the obese guard’s face and neck off. The hole went from his eye socket down to his shoulder, and in about half way through his mouth. Guts, fat, shattered bones and teeth wiggled and escaped his body from this new hole. With his right and only eye, the obese guard tried to look down and see the gore that used to be his face. The half of his mouth and throat that was left said,”Rararhghgugglub… Fleeeaaaagrb” And with a final gurgle, a waterfall of blood fell from his face and he fell over, like a flabby, round, bloody tree.
Juicy was laying face down, but still conscious, he would be dead any second now, Eric ran up to him. Juicy looked up, saw Eric and saw his opponent was defeated, “pwned!” he sputtered.
Outside the front door the severely overweight security guard was still hiding in
cover, he had sent both his minions in with orders to kill and they were both dead. He thought, “Fuck.” Then he said “Fuck.”
“Yep.” Perry said from behind him, his newly acquired shotgun pressed against
the guard’s skull.
The guard scrambled for his gun, but with one point blank shot Perry blew his
fucking brains out. Perry shot first, no doubt about it, no one can re-edit that one. Greedo did not shoot first.
Perry just reacted. He didn’t plan to kill the guy, but he surely did. “I’m a murderer now.” He thought, “Fuck yeah.” He quickly re-lived the scene, the guy was going for his gun. Perry looked down, the dead body’s hand was on his gun, half drawn out of it’s holster. “It was him or me.” He thought again.
He ran over to where Juicy was. Eric and Perry knelt down, both knowing he likely wasn’t going to make it. Juicy looked up, “Good game guys. My K D ratio was sweeeet.” and Juicy went limp.
“We need to get the fuck outta here!” Eric said.
Perry went over to Missy’s body. There was nothing he could do, or say. She
was just a pile of gore, no face to recognize or say bye to. Her purse fell over and a rainbow dildo spilled out onto the floor and flapped around a bit. He shook his head back and forth, “That’s my girl” he thought.
Eric and his cart went by, 3 good wheels rolling as fast as they could.
“Lets book!”
Perry took off and they rolled away with their cart full of loot.
10
ONE LAST NIGHT
Tony, L and Fozzie were were still awake, it was around 4 AM when they heard the annoying sound of an overloaded Walmart cart with 3 wheels rambling down the street.
As Eric and Perry pushed the cart towards Tony’s apartment, a cop turned the
corner in the street a few yards in front of them, heading in their direction. Eric had thrown his jacket over the top of the cart, making it look less robbery-y. The door to Tony’s apartment opened slowly and gracefully and Eric, Perry and the cart glided in like nothing was amiss. The door closed quietly behind them, tension filling the air silently. Inside the apartment, everyone was aware of the cop, L, Tony and Fozzie were watching and making sure everything happening looked legit. The door closed, the cop cruised by, both cops starring as they drove. But they kept driving.
“HOLY FUCK!” Perry burst out.
“What happened?”
“Juicy and Missy are dead.”
L and Tony weren’t prepared to hear that. Juicy was a long time friend of Tony, and even though L wasn’t super close with Missy, you kind of have a bond with your significant other’s friend’s significant other. L and Missy were decently close. L wasn’t the coke whore that Missy was, and Missy wasn’t the prude that L was.
“What?!” L and Tony questioned in a duet.
“Long story short,” Eric said,”They both got shot by Walmart security guards.”
Perry and Eric told the story to L, Tony and Fozzie. They unveiled their
shopping cart of loot, and started sorting it out during the telling.
They were smart in planning what to take from Walmart, there was a hiking
backpack for each person, as well as a tent, sleeping bag, and solar powered cell phone for each member of the group. Even Eric. During the long night of packing while Eric was taking a piss, Perry explained the talk they had earlier. Eric wanted to go with them. His best friend, Juicy was dead, his other friend and roommate was leaving, he had nothing. Also Eric made a big deal that he was part of the robbery. He helped get everyone all this shit. Eric was a druggie, but he wasn’t stupid. Staying in Valley Forest, you either needed to turn into an Ad, and/or you get to die shopping at a warstore, he didn’t like either option. Everyone was cool with that, Eric would be a valuable member of any group. Fozzie liked him even. He was like a black version of Eddie from the Dark Tower; a junkie, but you knew he could kick the habit and then kick ass.
The rest of the night they packed and talked, TV on in the background. The
entire night, every channel talking about the warstore sale and the aftermath. There were over ten thousand deaths that day. How big of a tragedy does that make it for the US? Take all the 9-11 deaths, add in everyone who died at Pearl Harbor, then throw in all the confirmed deaths on D Day, the first warstore sale had more killed than all of those combined.
They all turned their attention to the TV when they actually talked about something important. A super cheesy low ranking news reporter was on location, in Valley Forest, talking about the situation.
The reporter reported,“Valley Forest, we all know, is the closest city to the Elohssa Corporation headquarters, which is located at a mysterious location, in the middle of a vast forest, North of here, roughly 50 miles.”
The anchor in the newsroom interrupted,”I remember when they bought the three thousand square mile area a few years ago and began building the Elohssa skyscraper headquarters. The entire area has been shrouded in mystery, like area 51 for years.”
The on location reporter continued for the anchor, “It’s been now rumored that the mysterious Elohssa HQ is actually a warstore manufacturing plant. And that they will now regularly roll out a new warstore every week.” The news switched to an artist rendition of a tall, skinny building, reaching toward the sky, the top of the building touching the top edge of the atmosphere, nearing space. The artist rendition then animated, the bottom of the building opening like a garage door and a warstore cruising out, like someone playing a RTS just built a new unit.
The anchor took over, “Every week, a new warstore. Can we handle it? Can Valley Forest handle it?”
Everyone in the apartment looked at each other, including Fozzie.
Perry interrupted the silence, “A new warstore’s gonna be rollin through here
every week? Fuck that shit, we made the right decision. We need to bail.”
L thought out loud, “They can’t do that every week? The whole town will be fucked in a few weeks.”
Eric looked up from his cell phone, “ I’m reading on Reddit that they are creating a warstore highway from their HQ to LA. We just happen to be in the way.” Everyone shook their head in disbelief.
After a few hours they were done packing. Everyone had what looked like a
long term hiking backpack. Everyone had their share of food, a sleeping bag, tent, a weapon, fire starter (Perry had tons of lighters in his Fear and Loathing suitcase), water purifier, fishing rod and a Rambo knife. They even had a little pack for Fozzie. L loaded some dog food in Fozzie’s pack for her, she was thoughtful about animals like that.
The moment had came, they were leaving their homes. Leaving a society of zombie-like Ads, shambling around with porn blindness and giant warstores that kill thousands of people selling the newest products. Just before the sun rose, they hit the roa
d, silhouettes walking off like the group of ragtag 20-something rebels they were.
Leaving the block for the last time as residents there was an eerie quiet. Even
the ravaged, entire wall ripped out apartment buildings were silent. As they left. Tony’s landlady came running out, whisper yelling in Farsi at him again. Tony turned and gave her some cash. Perry turned and opened his Fear and Loathing drug suitcase to her, as it opened it glowed in her face like the Pulp Fiction suitcase. The landlady reached in and grabbed for something. Perry grabbed her wrist and shook his head, “Not that much.” She took something and ran off with a devious smile on her face, probably with some opium.
They hiked North on Main Street. They knew that was where the mysterious Elohssa corporation lands were. Even though it was owned by a corporation and it’s border were fenced up like a top secret facility, it was rumored to be mostly empty and wild. On the way North they approached Treetop Games. Everyone looked up at it as they passed, closed and with only a few lights on.
“That’s the one place I’ll miss.”, Tony said.
“Yea I hope those fucking warstores don’t destroy it.”, Perry added.
L continued,”I should probably call in and tell them I won’t be coming to work,
like ever. Too bad I don’t hate my job, I’ve always wanted to do one of those angry, rage quit your job things.”
“Yea, Wilile Wonka would love that.” Eric said. The owner of Treetop Games was an eccentric billionaire that was rarely seen, people nicknamed him Willie Wonka.
“Wanna stop in for one last game of Caveman pinball?” Perry said to Tony.
“What? Are you gonna break my highscore finally?” Tony jabbed.
“Shiiiit.” Was Perry’s only response
They all almost laughed and kept hiking towards the edge of town, like the kids from Stand By Me, but better equipped for the apocalypse. They finally passed Treetop Games, the last building on the North side of town. Tony and Perry looked at each other, they both knew they’d be back, at least to Treetop.
The Search for Ball Zero Page 7
