by Kenya Wright
“Okay.” I stood there, watching him walk away.
Kamal is not okay.
If I was shaken by Amber’s death, then he was shattered. If I couldn’t get the images of today out of my head, then it would plague him for the rest of the year,
What am I going to do? How can I help him?
I was completely out of my comfort zone and had no idea what to do next. But in the end, it didn’t matter. I would stay in this condo with him. I would cook for Kamal and watch over Ganesha. I would love him as much as he let. Hug and kiss him. Make love if he let me.
No matter what I would stay right here because in this moment, he needed me the most.
After his phone call with Amber’s father, we ate in silence. He barely touched his food. He just stared at the plate.
I wanted to say something, but no words came.
Neither of us ate much of the food. When he rose, I did. We both dumped the contents in the trash and cleaned up the dishes.
Still, no conversation came.
I gave Ganesha a pain pill that was stuffed in a meatball. He ate it and passed out in his new bed. His pink kitten snuggled up close to him.
Kamal’s mother called next. He talked to her on the balcony for close to an hour. Not sure of what else to do, I showered and went to bed. When he finished with her, he cleaned up too and lay down next to me.
What will happen to us?
Usually, we lay together in each other’s arms. Our limbs tangled. Our gazes focused on each other. Conversation moving within the shadows of the bedroom.
Tonight, we didn’t even touch each other. Stunned, we both lay on our backs, staring at the ceiling and saying nothing. It took forever for me to fall asleep. But I knew that when I finally did close my eyes, Kamal remained awake.
Chapter 20
Kamal
A month later
Incubation
Three weeks passed. We were now in April. New York City remained on lockdown. Even worst, over five hundred people in New York City died daily from coronavirus. I wasn’t sure when we would open again.
Jade, Ganesha, and I stayed in my condo with no problem. I bought a small wheelchair for Ganesha’s hind legs so he could still get around. Jade took him outside to the park near my place whenever it was sunny. My furry nephew would be back to his old self in another month or so.
I took two weeks off from work, needing a break from the company and the world. At times, I just stood on my balcony and stared at the haunting image of Manhattan—empty and ghostlike.
When Jade’s supplies arrived, things brightened. Even Ganesha wagged his tail from his doggy bed. It gave us all something to do. For days, I would bring Ganesha and Bebe up to the second level, and there I helped Jade transform my sunroom into a nice art studio. We played music the whole time—cleaning and unboxing, stacking, and setting everything up.
What would I have done if she hadn’t been there to keep my mind busy?
We finished in no time. It almost made me sad to not have any more projects to complete with her. I made note of all the things that had been delivered—large amounts of clay, carving sets and tools, blocks of soapstone, different lengths of wire, wood slabs, and various shapes of metals. Once I knew what she needed, I bought more and had it delivered. She grinned in delight and that joy gave me pleasure.
She’s becoming more than a lover. More than a girlfriend.
Some afternoons, I would come into her studio with Ganesha. There, we simply watched her carve and chip away at blocks. She liked to sculpt to jazz. My soul grew quiet in those moments, finding its only peace in the day. For hours, she would hammer away at metal, causing dents here and there. Eventually, shapes appeared. Images formed. And my soul brightened, and I got to believe in something good for a moment during such a bad time in the world. I was able to hope. To be inspired. To feel renewed. I found faith in the grooves of her artistic creations. And I learned more and more what an authentic relationship felt like—how warm and welcoming love could truly be.
This. I want this. . .for the rest of my life.
If Jade wanted to leave my condo and go back to Zora’s place by herself, she never voiced it out loud.
That was good because I would have never let her go.
Still, things had never been the same between Jade and I since Amber committed suicide. We hadn’t made love yet. I also didn’t like talking about that day with Jade. Whenever she brought it up, I changed the topic. Part of me knew she hated that. But she was so loving, she always left it alone.
Where would my mind be without Jade’s presence?
Days passed and she never pushed the topic. Instead, she remained my comfort—a welcoming source of light in such a dark time.
Regardless of the lack of sex, our intimacy continued to grow. Every night, I held her close to me. We kissed in the mornings. She cooked and I decorated the space in lit candles and played music. Many evenings we bathed together in my massive tub. Although my cock always grew hard, I just washed her, slipping a wet cloth down her curvy body. I relished in the moment and simply enjoyed her presence. And she never questioned me about the lack of sex. Somehow she understood that I needed time.
But I knew that this lacking couldn’t continue.
She deserved more. I must get it together. We can’t continue like this.
Today—a month after Amber’s suicide—I sat in my office and stared at the man on the screen. Ross had given me his information and swore by his techniques. Although he was a certified psychiatrist, he preferred to be called a mental health guide.
This better work.
“And Jade and you have not had sex?” The therapist asked.
“No. We haven’t.”
“Why not?”
“Sometimes when I begin kissing Jade, blood appears.” I sighed, feeling insane for saying this out loud for the first time ever. “But that stopped a week ago as well as the nightmares.”
“Good.”
“But I still feel. . .”
“Guilty?”
“Yes.”
He knitted his hands and studied me. “Every year in the United States, there are over 45,000 people that commit suicide.”
I closed my eyes.
“What you have to understand, Mr. Patel, is that these people leave suicide survivors— people who are left with their grief and struggle to understand why it happened.”
I opened my eyes. “I don’t understand why Amber didn’t just get on the plane.”
“From what you tell me, she battled depression all her life and had a serious drug addiction. I’m sure there are more issues, being that she found her mother dead at a young age.”
I cleared my throat. “I know, but I can’t—”
“Grieving is always difficult. When it deals with suicide, it becomes more complex and traumatic. Add the fact that Amber’s suicide was sudden, violent, and unexpected.”
“But why the nightmares and blood?”
“These earlier weeks, you had recurring thoughts of the death and its circumstances. You were replaying the final moments over and over in an effort to understand or simply because you can't get the thoughts out of your head.”
“I don’t want to think about it anymore.”
“But you do want to understand it?”
“In some ways.”
“You can’t. There will never be any understanding. You must come to grips with that realization.”
I sighed.
“And you must understand that Jade and you may have been traumatized from this—”
“Are you saying that we have post-traumatic stress disorder?”
“Perhaps. I would like to talk to Jade on her own too.”
“I’ll ask her if she wants to do teletherapy sessions.”
“Good idea. Individual counseling will be beneficial to both of you.”
“I was hoping these two sessions would be enough.”
The doctor smiled. “You will tell me when it is enough.”
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“So, far this has helped.” I shrugged. “My libido is returning.”
The doctor’s smile widened. “That is good to hear. You must go back to enjoying your life. Sex is a part of that enjoyment.”
“Jade is special. She’s been my foundation through all of this. I don’t want to. . .lose control or. . .take advantage of her body—”
“This is more guilt.”
“I know this is stupid.”
“You’re blaming yourself for Amber’s suicide and then hoping you won’t make those same mistakes again, resulting in Jade taking her life.”
I ran my fingers through my hair.
“It was not your fault, Kamal. And Jade is not Amber. This is a different relationship.”
“You’re right.” I nodded.
“Remember that.”
“I will.”
“Kamal.” The doctor gave me an intense look.
“Yes?”
“Go have sex with her.”
I chuckled. “What?”
“Go ahead. You deserve it. You definitely want to.” He gave me a sad smile. “Do you love Jade?”
“Yes, although I haven’t told her yet.”
“Tell her, and then make love to her with every inch of what you have those pants.”
I quirked my brows. “I see why Ross likes you.”
“I’m a bit crass, but I get the job done.” He scribbled some notes on his pad. “I will be here for you as long as you like. And let me make my job clear to you.”
“Okay.”
“I am going to be a constant reminder to you, Kamal. Here we go.” He leaned toward the screen. “You are not responsible for Amber’s suicide in any way, shape, or form.”
I swallowed.
“Write it down. Say it to yourself over and over again even when it feels untruthful to do so.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
“It was a sad and tragic moment in your life, but you are not responsible.” He tapped his head. “Tattoo it onto your arm to remember.”
I cleared my throat.
“You have a question?”
“Why do I feel guilty, if I’m not responsible?”
“Human nature.”
“I don’t understand.”
His smile deepened. “We subconsciously resist so strongly the idea that we cannot control all the events of our lives. So much, that we would rather fault ourselves for a tragic occurrence than accept our inability to prevent it.”
Relief flowed through me.
“Basically, we don’t like admitting to ourselves that we’re only human. Instead, we would rather blame ourselves. It’s stupid, but we’re only human in the end. Remember that.”
I kept my voice low. “It wasn’t my fault.”
“It wasn’t.” He returned to writing in his notebook. “We’ll talk in two days and hopefully, I’ll hear from Jade too.”
“Yes.”
“And have a good, sexy session with Jade. It will be therapeutic. That’s your homework. I expect an essay on how it went.”
“O-kay.”
“Good day, Kamal.”
“Thank you.” I pressed the button.
The screen went blank.
Ross, is that really a doctor?
In the end, it didn’t matter. Two sessions with him and I’d begun feeling better. And one thing was for sure, I needed to tell Jade about my feelings for her.
I rose from my chair and left my home office.
Passing the living room, I spotted Ganesha lounging on the couch with Bebe. He was still healing. At first, he tried to move as if he had both legs. It took him a few days to figure out that things would be different for him until the cast was off.
I stopped and petted him. “How are you doing, buddy?”
He wagged his tail and went back to chewing on Bebe’s leg.
“You’ll be out of that cast soon.” I left him. “And your mom will be home this week.”
The Maldives had finally opened up their airport which meant that my sister and husband could come back to New York. Corey and I weren’t sure if it was the best thing to do or not. She was pregnant and the number of people infected in this city was rising. But Zora was tired of that damn resort. No matter what Corey, Jade, or I told her, she demanded to come home.
It will be alright. That’s all I can focus on. We will all be okay.
Thankfully, I had Jade by my side. Without her, I wouldn’t have been able to deal with all the tragedy in this world.
I’ll never let her go.
I headed to the back of the condo and then climbed the stairs, knowing that she would be in her studio creating.
On this level, Whitney Houston played. I grinned, walked to the studio, and sniffed a lovely aroma of something delicious.
Am I imagining things? She has food up here?
I stopped in front of her door and knocked. “Jade, are you busy? I wanted to talk to you for a few minutes.”
“Oh. No.” Noise sounded on the other side. “Don’t come in yet. Give me a minute.”
I quirked my brows. “O-kay.”
She called on the other side of the door. “You finished your tele-therapy session already?”
“Yes. It was good.”
“I’m glad.” She opened the door.
Shocked, I drank in the sexy black dress that hugged her body. “Damn. What’s the occasion?”
She smiled. “This is a special day.”
“It is?”
“We’ve been stuck together for over a month now.” She opened the door wide and gestured for me to come inside. “Welcome to our anniversary.”
She’d scattered lit candles around the space. A table sat in the center with two plates. Each one had a paneelle and croquette special sandwich from Ferdinando’s with tomato sauce on the side and her famous homemade chips.
I stepped inside. “Jade. . .”
“Are you hungry?”
“Jade, this is fucking amazing.” I tenderly grabbed and pulled her to me. “I’m so lucky to have you in my life. I was just thinking this as I walked up here and—”
“I’m lucky to have you.”
I gazed at the love of my life, drowning in her compassion. “Things have been weird these past weeks. There’s been no sex. I wasn’t sure if you were okay with it.”
“We’ve been through a lot. You’ve been through a lot.”
“But, have I been there for you?”
“Definitely, Kamal.” She gestured to the packed studio. “Are you kidding me? You brought all my art here. Because of you, I have a series to put out after this pandemic. Most important, sculpting helps me stay sane.”
“Then, you should teach me how to sculpt.”
She winked. “I’m glad you said that.”
“Why?” I tried to kiss her.
She moved away and guided me to the other side of the room. There were two blocks on a long table with carving tools all around them. “After we eat, I’m going to teach you how to sculpt today.”
“I like that idea.”
“You work so hard, Kamal. You need to do something for fun.”
I drank her gorgeous face in. “I also need to make love to you.”
She blushed.
I closed the distance and kissed her. When I leaned back, I whispered, “And. . .”
Breathless, she blinked. “And?”
“I’m falling in love with you, Jade. Madly in love.”
She parted her lips.
“Our not having sex these past weeks dealt with other things and not one of them was about you.”
She slowly nodded. “I know, Kamal. I was fine with waiting. Although you kept that cock away, you gave me those big arms and lips. I love being held by you. I love sleeping against your chest and hearing your heartbeats. I love the baths and candlelit dinners. But most of all. . .”
My heart warmed. “Yes?”
“Most of all, I love you with every inch of my soul.”
I kissed her again,
wanting to taste every part of her, even that soul that adored me so much.
She raised her arms and ran her fingers along my hair. Not getting enough, I grabbed her ass and lifted her. She wrapped her legs around my hips.
I grunted and left her lips. “Thank you for the food and candles and even the upcoming art lesson, but in this moment I have to fuck you.”
“Please.”
I laughed and yanked up her dress. She helped take it off. A red bra hugged her beautiful breasts. I looked further down. She wore matching red panties.
“Damn it. How did I lay next to you all this time and not fuck you?”
“You were dealing with shit.”
“Not any damn more.” Carrying her over to the wall, I pressed her body against it and yanked down her bra. Her breasts popped out and bounced in front of me. I dove for those stiff nipples.
She stirred in my hold. “Kamal.”
I groaned, sucking and lapping at her breasts.
She tried to yank off my shirt.
Groaning, I left her breasts and took off my shirt. She helped me unbuckled my pants since I still had her in my arms.
I wrenched my cock out. “I’ll never wait this long again.”
“Don’t worry, baby.” She pulled her panties to the side. “Just fuck me.”
And that was exactly what I did. It should have been more relaxed and gentler. I missed her body too much. Missed the intense closeness of being inside of her.
We moved together. Her bouncing up and down on my cock. Me pushing and pumping into her pussy. We moaned in perfect sync, telling each other how much we loved the moment. How much we didn’t want to stop.
“Fuck.” I relished in her wet arousal spilled over my length. “I love you so much.”
“Oh.”
I pumped harder.
She squeezed her pussy, causing me to lose my balance.
I regained it, leaning us further against the wall and slamming my cock into her. “You’re mine forever.”
“Forever,” she moaned back.
My body shook with the lovely confirmation.
I yearned to come—to explode. I was so close. But I waited, patiently slipping my cock in and out of her. Holding on to the edge of insanity and ready to burst.
When she whispered, “I’m coming.”
I growled and slowed my pumping, savoring each second as she broke apart. Her body trembling. Her breathing increasing. Her breasts bouncing against my chest. Her cream smeared against my length and dripping down my balls.
