I know his mom’s gone and that he was raised by an uncle. He’s the man who owns the bar he works in. He never mentions a father. I would like to know more about his mom and his family but I’m not brave enough to ask because I can see that it’s bittersweet for him to talk about her.
“What about you?” he asks. “Surely you have some positive memories with your mother, no?”
"No. None at all." My tone is clipped, almost aggressive. I can see from the look in his eyes that he’s not going to let it go. Very few persons know how evil and cruel she truly is behind the respectable façade she puts on for the world. I want to let it go and talk about something else but he seems to want to get to the bottom of this.
I think about it and stand up straighter pulling away from him. The magic is gone. I guess it will not come back unless I make him see that she’s something I don’t even want to talk about. The power she has over my life even when she's not there unsettles me. "You really want to know?"
"I want to know everything about you."
I close my eyes because I don't want to see a look of pity on his face as I begin to tell him one of my most telling horror stories. "When I was ten, on my way back from school I found a kitten in the street. I could not resist the little ball of fur."
"Right, nothing's cuter than a kitten," he says.
"So I picked her up and brought her home. For two days I kept it in my room, I sneaked up some food from the kitchen, made a kitty litter with a shoe box and sand I brought from the beach..." I take a deep breath and continue. "On the third day, when I got home from school, the Bitch was in my room, sitting on my bed with the kitten on her lap. The little baby was purring away." My voice is shaking but now I need to get the rest of the story out. I give him a short version. "She drowned it in the kitchen sink. She had waited for me to get home to do it because she made me watch."
There's a look of disbelief on his face and he's about to say something so I put two fingers on his lips to silence him.
"I cried for days and the Bitch patiently waited for me to stop crying before going for her second kill. That's when she told me that it was all my fault. If I had left the lost kitten on the side of the street, it would still be alive. It could have found its mother and be kept safe, it could have been adopted by someone else walking down the road and brought to a cat loving family ... If the kitten was dead it was because I had not listened to her. I had brought a pet home while I knew she did not want a pet. So the kitten's death was on me." I shudder and look into Alexander's eyes and I see compassion. My fingers are still on his mouth he kisses them and then pulls me back in his arms.
He holds me tight and says, “Don’t you see it's a load of bull? You’re not really responsible. I mean, there were so many other things she could have done. She could have looked for another family for the kitten. If she did not want to be bothered, she could have brought it to the ASPCA shelter in the next town. She could even have made you take it to the pound or she could even have tossed it out back on the street. She didn't have to kill it, make you watch, and then make you feel guilty. That’s on her, not on you."
Alexander is rocking me gently and his tender gesture doesn't open a floodgate. I will not cry again over the kitten or over the tortured child that I was. "Maybe,” I say. “Maybe you’re right but you know, I still feel it's my fault and I'm responsible."
"I'm sorry, Love. Now let’s get you in a more cheerful mood,” he says. “Do you want to eat now or should be try the hot bubbles?”
“I’m not really hungry yet.” The answer has come spontaneously out of my mouth before I took anytime to think and as he says, “Hot tub it is then.” I realize I’m going to have to undress and I feel very self-conscious. It's not only that I'm going to be without clothes but also the fact that, without Ten around, if one of the Clark's family member was to drop in unexpectedly it would look like we're trespassing.
As if reading my mind, again, Alexander says, "Before he left Ten spoke to his grandfather in Acapulco and checked with his parents. We really have the house to ourselves tonight. Ten's locked the bungalow so I’ll sleep in his old room. Do you know that his room is larger than my entire studio in the city? I could get used to living like this."
"Well give it a few months and you'll be able to, Mister Super Star," I say while he's fumbling with his belt. I gather all my courage and quickly unhook my bra under my T-shirt so I will be able to remove both at the same time. I open my jeans and get ready to push them down with my panties.
I raise my eyes to him before doing it and see that he’s already naked. My eyes remain on his face. He smiles at me and says, “I’ll go get towels now so we don’t freeze when we get out.”
As he walks toward the bathroom I tear my clothes away and let everything drop to the floor. I rush to open the sliding doors and step on the deck. Wow, it's a lot colder out here. I have goose pimples all over. In two seconds the tip of my breasts have turned into red skittles. I push the hot tub cover away and step down in the water. It is scalding hot. I fumble with the command buttons on the side and find the timer for the bubbles. Within seconds the mechanism starts and the surface of the water is covered with bubbles and foam. It’s silly, but now that the water is no longer transparent I don’t feel as naked.
Alexander arrives a couple of minutes later with large towels that he drops on the deck by the steps. He's scrumptious to look at. He jumps in next to me and moans like it’s the most delicious thing ever. He's a warm water guy. He sits down across from me. There's a little ledge that serves as a bench and runs around the tub at half height. He looks at me without saying anything and then moves over to the center of the tub. He kneels in front of me putting his arms around my waist.
This is perfect. I think I could stay like this forever.
“I’ll show you something even better,” he says. Did I speak out loud again? He shifts position at the bottom of the tub and pulls me on his lap.
I snuggle against him as he's caressing my hair and then he raises my head with a knuckle under my chin and slants his mouth over mine. I open my lips and melt. Again. He's got this magic power to turn me into some sort of liquid state. My head spins. I feel dizzy and I lean into him.
He threads his fingers in my hair and pulls his lips away from mine for an instant to tell me, "If you'll let me I will keep you safe. It would make me feel ten feet tall if you would let me take care of you."
CHAPTER 7
I love that he wants to take care of me. I want to believe that he means what he says. I know better however. For now, it's nothing more than a dream. He's going on tour next week and I'm going back to my sucky life of school and diner's shifts.
"You don't believe me, Love, do you?" Alexander asks.
"I know you mean it," I tell him "but there's the logistics of life."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm eighteen. You're what? Twenty and change?"
He nods and smiles when I say, "Technically I just stopped qualifying as jailbait." I run my fingers in his hair. "I want to finish school and you want to go on tour. You'll have to wait until I’m done here to become my knight in shinning armor. For now, you have swept me of my feet but you're not going to carry me away into the sunset."
"You're right, it's not going to be this sunset but give me a little credit, I will not vanish. I'm yours to keep."
I'm about to kiss him when he adds, "So I've swept you of your feet," with a delicious grin.
"What do you think?" I snap going in full sarcasm mode, "I'm sitting on your lap naked and kissing you like there's no tomorrow."
He kisses me again and his hands slide from the top of my shoulders to the small of my back and then further down to my buttock. His hands come back up and cup my breasts and I'm swimming in lust. There's a need inside me that I have never felt before and it's eating me alive. I hold on to him for balance with my hands on his shoulders.
"You wanna know what I think? I think that I want you so bad that if you'll l
et me I will make love to you all through the New Year. Will you let me?"
My eyes riveted in his, I nod.
"Say it," Alexander growls. "Tell me you want me. I need to hear you say it. I need to be sure this is what you want because if I start there will be no going back, you'll be mine for good."
"Yes, this is what I want," I whisper, "I want you to be my first. I want you to show me, I need more of you." Alexander lifts me from his lap and gently moves us until we're kneeling face to face. His upper torso is out of the water but he seems oblivious to the cold.
"No one, no one ever before," he says. It's not a question. It's an affirmation. It's like he needs to say it aloud, like it's the most amazing thing that ever happened to him. He'll be the first. He's looking at me as if I'm the most attractive girl on earth and for an instant I think that maybe I am. For sure I'm the luckiest. A lusty creature has taken over in my head. She's locked all negative thoughts in a closet in the back of my mind and I can barely hear them banging against the door.
Time is standing still as we look into each other's eyes drinking up each other's soul. I repeat after him "No one, no one ever before ... and I wish for no one, no one ever after."
That undoes him. His hands move from my waist to my back and he pulls me closer. I can feel his need is matching mine and, when he kisses me again, I close my eyes to savor the sensation and can't help but moan in his mouth. He slides a hand to the apex of my legs and as he explores the fold, my eyes fly open in wonder at the sensation. He pulls back a little and studies the expression on my face looking for clues to adapt his caress to my needs. His touch has created a ball of fire that is overtaking me.
“Can you tell me what you feel?" he asks.
I'm panting. The sensation is so new and so incredible, I'm at a loss for words. I tell him the first image that comes to my mind. "I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, I have this irresistible urge to jump but I don't know how."
"I'll show you, Love," he says. And he does.
I let him push me over the edge and instead of free falling, I fly. I fly away so high I never want it to stop. When it does stop, Alexander is there to catch me and he cradles me in his arm until I catch my breath and then he starts again but this time it’s not his hands that enter me.
He goes very slowly to give me time to adjust. His eyes are closed and his face is a mask of concentration. Every time he gets a little deeper my breath catches. I know he’s fully in me when he raises his open his eyes and looks at me. “How do you feel?” he asks.
“I’m fine,” I say. I’m not sure if I really am. I feel very stretched and it’s strange.
“Fine’s not good enough,” he says as he pulls out slowly and then back in again. I shudder and he asks, “better?”
I nod. I’m not sure I can speak right now. He smiles and quickens the pace. I close my eyes and I surrender totally to him. He’s a part of me now and we merge in the most marvelous sunburst.
He holds me without moving while we both catch our breath and then he slowly pulls out and gets out of the water. He wraps himself in a towel and opens another one for me to snuggle into as I get out. He pulls the winter cover over the hot tub and we both run back in the house and into what used to be Ten's room before he moved to the bungalow. We dive under the thick quilt of his tiny bed and warm up in each other's arms.
"How do you feel?" Alexander asks again.
"Happy, a little bit sore and worried."
"Why worried?"
"Because we did not use any protection," I say.
Alexander laughs. "Yes, I thought about it but I did not see how I was going to put a condom in the tub. Also, I think the water was too hot for any of my swimmers to survive, so you shouldn’t worry, we're good."
"You're sure?"
"Positive and when we do it again, I have condoms. You need to trust me a bit, Love. My intentions are not pure, obviously, but they're really good. I promise, I won't do to you anything you don't want me to do."
"Hmmm hmmm," I say, "I'm going to close my eyes for a minute." I roll over and in Ten's boyhood bed, we sleep and fit together like spoons in a drawer.
***
I wake up to the sound of Alexander softly snoring in my ear. His head is in the clouds. He's fast asleep. Another part of his anatomy is wide awake. There's a clock ticking on the nightstand. It's an old round model with Mickey Mouse's ears. It's five to twelve. Incongruous, next to this childhood icon there's a handful of condoms.
Alexander came prepared but obviously he had not counted on the impractical aspect of the hot tub. I hope he's right about the effect of the scalding waters on sperm.
I'm starving for food and for Alexander's attention. Not necessarily in that order. I think I know how I want to put the year 1978 to rest.
I take a condom and turn around to face Alexander. I tear the foil and study it's content. It's like a sock that would have been rolled down a leg. To put it on one needs to roll it up. Okay, I can do that ... I lift the quilt and after a little fumbling, I roll the thin membrane slowly down his length. Alexander's hips move in my direction and when I look up to his face I see he's no longer asleep. His eyes are wide open and he’s grinning.
"I love a woman who takes the initiative," he says as he rolls on his back taking me with him. "I can't think of a more glorious way to celebrate the New Year."
Neither can I. I straddle him and lower myself on his length, slowly. We move together. It's a sensual ballet. I have this image of a tango dance. Except tango is black and white and now I see a million colors, and fireworks and endless bliss. Making love is magical. I don't think I'll ever tire of this.
"Well I sure hope not!" Alexander says.
Hear, hear, I've done it again. Spoken my thought out loud.
I try not to think about what’s going to happen with us. Maybe it's better that we don't see the future. If it's not good we'll know it soon enough. If it's good, we'll enjoy it even more by being surprised.
SECOND PART
- 1979 à 1980 -
CHAPTER 8
It’s the middle of the night and there's this horrible pain in my back. It's as if someone is stabbing me repeatedly with an icepick. Maybe it's a stomach virus. Something I ate for dinner does not agree with me. I go back to sleep.
It comes back with a vengeance. I open my eyes and go into full denial mode. It's too early. It's not been a full nine months yet. But the truth is that I'm not really sure what the date is. I've lost track of time. I close my eyes and breathe deeply. I doze again.
When the third wave of pain subsides, I sit up in my bed and get dressed. I hate those-tent like dresses I have been wearing lately.
Once I'm dressed I go back to bed praying it’s a false alarm and fall asleep again.
I grit my teeth. What is giving birth going to be like if this is just what the labor pains feel like? The thought sets me in a panic and I pound on the door of my room hoping that I'm going to be loud enough to wake my two jailers.
I've been having frightful dreams about delivering the baby by myself, all alone in my room. I pound on the door again and listen for any noise that would indicate that they've heard me. I yell, "Maria, Maria, can you hear me? The baby's coming."
I'm about to kick the door when the contractions return. I take two steps back and curl up on the bed. I twist around looking for a comfortable position. My efforts are in vain. I guess there are no such positions when you're in labor. I try the short breathing I’ve seen people do in movies but it does not do a thing for me.
The door opens and Miguel looks at me and says, "Stop screaming. You're scaring Maria."
I had not realized I was screaming but I must have been because my throat hurts. Maria pushes him aside and comes kneel by my bed. She's dressed. She touches my belly. I'm as tense as a drum. She turns around and says to her husband, "Go get the car, the baby's coming now."
Miguel turns around and leaves. I look in Maria's eyes. I know she's a good person, I think she likes me s
o I plead with her, "Maria, please, I beg of you, let me go or take me to the hospital." If she takes me to the private institution where I've been getting my checkups, I know they will take the baby away from me and that will be the end of me. I can't let that happen.
Maria brushes my hair from my forehead and hushes me. "It's gonna be all right, Lyv," she says. "It's for the best, little girl. I know you don't want to hear that now but you're barely eighteen. What would you do with a baby when you're still a baby yourself?"
I can't agree with her but at least she's caring. She truly thinks that abandoning my child will be to my benefit. But that's not why it's happening. That's not the way the Bitch sees it. She was the first to realize I was pregnant. What tipped her of was the fact that I didn't get my monthly migraine for two months. When a third month passed, she knew. By then I had become aware of the situation too.
"Your coming into this world was a mistake. It was my mistake so I had no choice but to pay the price," the Bitch said and then pointing to my belly, she hissed between clenched teeth, "This one is your mistake and I will not be responsible for what's to become of it."
"That's fine," I had told her. "I will move out at the end of the school year and you will not have to take care of me anymore."
I didn't really have a plan but I still had several months to figure it out. Ten was coming back from Europe for Spring break and he would help me find a solution. I didn't care if Alexander wanted the baby or not, of course I wished he would, but in any case that baby was my responsibility and I was going to be as good a mother as mine had been dreadful.
Life went back to normal for a couple of weeks and then, one evening, she had me kidnapped. Two men came for me a little after school. They drugged me and carried me out on a gurney to an ambulance. I phased in and out for a full day and woke up in this windowless room. How many days have gone by since? I don't know. I lost count.
What I know for a fact, on the other hand, is that the Bitch has come up with a convincing story to tell everyone at home. She’s so attached to appearances I have no doubt her lie is good and everyone’s bought her story. She likes being seen as a victim so she’s probably acting distraught and telling every one how worried she is that I ran away. Who knows? It should be around the end of the summer, it’s still hot and it’s very humid. When I get a look at the outside world it seems to be raining all the time.
Crazy About Curves: 10 Luscious Reads Page 44
