“It makes no difference.”
“But—”
The angel raised his hand and stopped Tommy’s protest. “Enough. Go. Fulfill your duty. Emma Jane will stay with me.”
Tommy sighed. “Yeah—yes, magister.” Then he turned and in a blur of movement and rush of wind he was gone, leaving Eli and me alone.
I’m not an idiot…mostly. I couldn’t be completely sure what Eli and Tommy were talking about with the half-finished sentences and knowing looks, but I knew it had to do with me and the fact I was a woman.
I smiled, nervous, and went to get my flip-flops, slipping my feet in one at a time. Clearly Tommy didn’t want me to go with Eli. Why? Did he know how the angel affected me? Was he worried I might jump the guy? Wise man.
Or worse, was he worried what Eli’s response would be if I did?
“You’re a beautiful woman, Emma Jane,” Eli said, and I turned to see his gentle smile tugging the corners of his lips. “But I love God more.”
“Hey. You’re not supposed to read people’s thoughts.” Especially when they’re particularly embarrassing.
He bowed his head in apology, though his smile remained constant. “Forgive me.”
I did. Sigh.
“How’s your arm?” he asked, touching the gash just below my shoulder.
The heat of his fingertips brushed my skin, and I trembled. His gaze flicked to mine. Every time Eli touched me a ribbon of heat rippled through my veins, stirring my body in ways that wouldn’t do either of us any good.
After a decisive exhale, I smiled, and he smoothed his fingers over the healing pink skin. The sides of the long cut had already stitched themselves together, the skin now a long, wrinkled scar. At this rate it would heal completely smooth, not a mark left behind.
Despite the distraction of my increased healing abilities, my mind couldn’t focus on anything but the feel of Eli’s skin on mine. I walked away, putting some distance between us.
A soft breeze shifted my hair, bringing the scents of the city to tickle my nose. I filled my lungs, willing myself to feel better all on my own.
“I think there’s been a mistake,” I said. “I don’t know if I was supposed to be marked. I mean, I can’t fight. That innate ability Tommy keeps talking about…I’m not feeling it.”
“But you survived the battle with Bariel,” Eli said.
“Yeah, thanks to Tommy. I seriously didn’t have a clue what I was doing.” Memories of blurring swords and blinding movement made a tiny, nervous laugh bubble out of me. “I think my eyes were closed most of the time. I was just hacking at the air, hoping I’d hit something.”
Eli stood in my comfort zone again. I hadn’t seen him move, hadn’t notice he’d even taken a step. “Thomas aided you because you survived to be aided. If you were not meant to wield that sword, you would not have been marked, and you would not have survived.”
“That’s kind of backward logic, isn’t it?” I stepped away, but the distance between us was still too close.
I could feel him again, that wonderful, addictive ease that settled over my body, warmed me, soothed my muscles, calmed my nerves. I rubbed my hands up and down my arms, trying to keep my mind focused on real sensation instead of what Eli’s presence made me feel. I didn’t want to like it so much.
“Why do you fight my comfort?” he asked.
“Because it’s not real.” A press of delicious heat oozed up my spine at the soft sound of his voice, and I shuddered. “Seriously, I thought you weren’t supposed to read minds.”
“I can read your thoughts, Emma Jane. I choose not to because I value free will,” he said. “The thoughts I receive from you are not those you choose to keep private. Your mind broadcasts them. It is an effort, in fact, not to receive them.”
I remembered Liam said I was like a bullhorn. Rude. But apparently true. So, that sucked.
“For example,” he said, shifting to catch my eyes with his, and I couldn’t look away. “I know you fight the comfort I offer, but I don’t know why.”
I shrugged, hoping I seemed more together than I felt. “I don’t need it. At least I don’t want to need it. I figure I should get used to dealing with the fallout after a fight all on my own.”
“There’s no need.”
“There is for me,” I said. “Being near you feels good, yes, but it also feels a little like being high. Like I’m not totally in control of myself. It just kind of freaks me out.”
The creases along his brow deepened and he eased back. “Extraordinary.”
“Right. Call Ripley’s. I’m a friggin’ enigma.” I stepped around him and went to the overlook’s railing. Even that close, the feel of him was making my mind swim and my body too warm and loose.
I braced my hands on the railing, anchoring myself. I cleared my throat. “You, uh, were kind of hard on Tommy. Don’t you think?”
“He was laboring under a false assumption.” Eli came to stand beside me. I didn’t feel that wave of bliss this time, even when his shoulder brushed mine as he leaned his forearms against the railing.
He looked sideways at me and I knew he’d read my thoughts. “I will not caress you again unless you request it of me.”
“Thanks.” I smiled as my belly tightened. I’d never ask for his fake rapture. My pride wouldn’t allow it. “So…what was Tommy’s false assumption?”
“He assumed he knew better than I do how and when to train you.”
I snorted. “He’s a guy. Of course he thought he knew better. Hello?”
Eli laughed. “So I’ve heard. However, that’s not the case with Thomas. He believed I was incapable of clear judgment where you are concerned.”
“Because I’m a woman?”
“Yes. He assumes that because you’re a woman, you’re too great of a…temptation to me, and my judgment suffers for it.”
“But that’s not the case?”
“No.” He gazed out at the city below, the skyline turning a soft pink at the edges as dawn approached. “The temptation I feel with you has little to do with you being a woman. In truth, Thomas doesn’t realize you’re only slightly more of a temptation to me than he is.”
Only slightly? I let the twinge of jealousy go. Who knew angels swung both ways? “I’m sure he’ll be thrilled.”
“Not everything is about sex,” Eli said. “However, I’m not so different from the Fallen. I, too, feel the lure of the daughters of men, though I have had eons to bridle my passions. Thomas is more likely to fall victim to your beguiling ways than me.”
The warm memory of Tommy’s lips on mine tingled through my thoughts. Even though I knew Eli might read them, I couldn’t help it.
“Ah.” Eli looked at me from beneath his dark blue-black bangs. “I see he’s already succumbed to your seduction.”
“Hey. He kissed me.”
Eli nodded. “Of course. How could he not?” He turned and leaned his backside against the railing, his hands resting on either side.
“There is something indefinably exquisite about the child of an angel and a human raising a sword to battle in the name of God,” he said. “I know of nothing more harrowing, more arduous than the duty of the illorum. And one answering the call is an enticing, infatuating sight. These people, like you and Thomas, are a temptation unlike anything I have ever known.”
“But you’ve got a grip on that…right?”
His smile blossomed across his lips, as breathtaking as a sunrise. “Yes, Emma Jane, and my grip is ironclad. The lessons that made it so are not ones which I would experience again.”
“So, you’ve given in to your feelings before?”
He shook his head, eyes down. “No,” he said. “But there were times I opened my heart too much, loved more than was safe, and it cost me…dearly.”
“You were punished?”
“By no one other than myself,” he said.
“Then…?”
“I’ve trained hundreds of illorum, and I’ve watched nearly every one of them perish
in battle,” he said. “Each death is vividly etched into my mind and seared forever on my heart.”
I could read his emotions. I wasn’t trying, but I didn’t have to. The way he held himself, the tension across the shoulders, the tightening around the eyes, the hesitation in his voice, gave away his feelings. I knew his pain was even more than he could admit.
“But one, at least, hurt more than all the rest,” I said. “Didn’t it?”
He shrugged—casually pretending the memories were less painful than he’d first let on. “There was one. Jeannette d’Arc. She lived more than five hundred years ago, in a small village in France. She was just a child when I first met her. All of twelve years old, with the light of faith and grace bright as Heaven itself in her eyes.”
“She was pretty?” I sounded jealous. Maybe I was.
“What is pretty?” He shook his head. “She was captivating. I’d never met a human so sublimely alluring and so fully connected to earth and spirit. She was the ideal blending of Heaven and earth if ever there was one. And she was mine. That is, she was my…responsibility. Or she soon would be.” He looked away.
“Relax, Eli,” I said. “You’re not the first person to stomp all over good sense and fall for someone y’know damn well you shouldn’t.”
He smiled and my heart skipped, stupidly pleased that I’d put him at ease. “I enjoyed being near her, talking to her. Strong-willed, fearless in a way I’d never known, she was…addicting. Her wisdom and grace, the ethereal beauty within her was a powerful thing.”
“Tommy talked like you’d crossed some kind of line with her. Or at least came close to it.”
Eli dropped his gaze, staring at his shoes. “It’s not my duty to protect—I am forbidden to interfere. I instruct, advise, only those marked for duty. In all respects, my interactions with Jeannette were suspect. She was not marked. She was not yet mine to instruct. I knew it then as I know it now, but I was…powerless to turn away.”
“You fell in love with her?” I made it a question but I knew the answer. Everything about his body language let me know his feelings for her cut to the bone.
“I love all those in my charge. But Jeannette…I loved her wholly and completely, with every breath of Heaven in my soul. I loved her…as I love God.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“It is a dangerous thing. It compelled me to act in ways that I shouldn’t have. The times in which Jeannette lived were tumultuous. Kingships and successions were argued and fought over. Her country was in turmoil. The simple tasks of life were treacherous. Every day brought the threat of death.”
“And you kept her safe.”
“Not directly—it’s forbidden. But I diverted danger when I could,” he said. “Even when her village was sacked time and again, I did what I could to keep her and her family out of harm’s way. I tried to stay hidden, to watch from a distance so as not to influence her life…”
He stopped for a moment, his gaze swinging up to the night sky, and then he exhaled. “That’s not true. I hid from her sight, but not from her. She felt me as you do now. I made sure of it. I wanted her attention, craved it. I wanted to see her smile for me, to hear her speak. When I wasn’t with her, I thought of her constantly. Worried she would come to harm and I wouldn’t be there.”
“You would’ve defied God to protect her?”
“No. I…” He looked away again. “I don’t know. Once she was marked, everything changed. My conflict between duty and desire both eased and worsened. Now I had cause to be with her always, but this only amplified my infatuation. She was besieged by demons almost instantly. And Jeannette’s superior swordsmanship drew the attention of military commanders who were desperate for any kind of edge in their battles.”
“They wanted her to fight with them,” I said.
“They wanted her to lead them,” he said. “Seeing her battle against demons disguised as English soldiers and common ruffians, they believed she fought with divine aid. And Jeannette knew with my help she could accomplish more than any mortal man.”
“Lead them?” Understanding dawned and pity pressed against my chest like a heavy weight. “Eli, are you talking about Joan of Arc? Is Jeannette d’Arc, Joan of Arc?”
He met my gaze. “Yes.”
“Oh, Eli…” It was both amazing and heartbreaking at once. I knew how this story ended. “And she wanted you to interfere in politics, in the evolution of an entire human society…that’s huge. But you aren’t allowed to do that, right?”
His jaw clenched for a second and his brows knitted tight. “I am well aware of what I can do and what I should do, Emma Jane.”
He pushed off the railing, striding to the center of the overlook, then stopped and turned to face me. “I knew what she asked of me was more than I could give, but I swear to you, I could not deny her. Still, I managed to temper my hand in matters. I played the invisible scout, going ahead to spy on the enemy, listening in on critical conversations. It was enough.”
“She used the information to help her army win?” I asked.
“Yes. And her army helped her defend against a constant, ever-increasing barrage of demons,” he said. “The two fates, hers and her country’s, seemed intertwined. The battles they fought brought her closer to the Fallen who sought to kill her.”
“You knew who it was,” I said. “You knew who the Fallen was and where he was hiding. Didn’t you?”
“Yes,” he said. “I put her on his path.”
“Did she know?”
“No. I couldn’t tell her. I shouldn’t have done as much as I did, but I wanted the attacks to stop. I wanted her to be safe, and only the Fallen’s end would achieve it.” His lips tightened. “My feelings for her ruined my reason. It was my fault.”
I wanted to go to him, comfort him. But I didn’t. The way he could make me feel on purpose worried me for what he might do by accident. What if I couldn’t stop? Instead, I leaned against the guardrail and hugged my arms around my belly. “Who was he?”
“The Duke of Bedford,” Eli said. “He’d amassed a great deal of power and influence among humans. And when he heard Jeannette and her fellow warriors had been captured near Compiegne, he ordered that she be sent to him.”
“You couldn’t do anything to stop it?”
“There was no reason,” he said. “Their meeting was inevitable. I’d set her on this path myself. But I underestimated the Fallen’s will to evade his punishment. She was brought to him bound and helpless. He didn’t leave a sliver of opportunity for her to free herself. For nearly a year she was tortured mercilessly.”
“Why didn’t he just kill her?” Seemed the smart thing to do, to get rid of the threat once and for all.
“He wanted to turn her,” Eli said. “He tried to seduce her to turn from her duty, from God. She wouldn’t. So he brutalized her every day. I cannot put into words how much I wanted to go to her, to ease her suffering.”
“You didn’t? You just left her to go through that alone?” My stomach twisted. How could he?
“You think I wouldn’t have rained down the fire of Heaven itself if I could have?” he said, anger burning through his tone. “Every wound, every snap of the whip on her tender flesh, cut me to the bone. But I couldn’t risk interfering any further. God help me, look what my interference had already brought her. My impatience to see her safe put her on this path too soon. I should’ve known she wasn’t ready. I should have surrendered to her destiny long ago. I should have…”
His knees buckled, and he dropped to a squat, his head falling forward into the cup of his hands. “Dear Father, forgive me. He tortured her for nearly a year and Jeannette never once forsook God or me. She fought to hold onto this world for Him…for me.”
Eli lifted his chin, his long fingers still covering his mouth. His cheeks were wet from tears, though none fell as I watched. He stared straight ahead, as though he could see his memories in living color before him.
“The Fallen’s desperation pushed his
cruelty to unfathomable lengths. He demanded she turn from God. She refused, so he had her tied to a stake and set her ablaze. This time when she cried out in pain my courage crumbled. I couldn’t refuse her. Not then. Not anymore. I stood with her, shielding the worst of the pain until she finally let go her mortal coil.”
My throat closed, imagining her anguish as the fire ate at her flesh, imagining Eli’s as he forced himself to let it happen. I didn’t care what his effect on me might be. Eli’s memories were swallowing him up. He needed an anchor, and I was the only one around to offer it.
Kneeling in front of him, I held his wrists, his fingers still cupped over his mouth. I wasn’t sure he noticed my touch.
“She knew,” he said, his eyes wide, glistening and unfocused. “She knew I would finally let her go. Her smile was so exquisite, so beautiful, even as the fire burned the rags they’d given her to wear. She told me she loved me and then she…kissed me.” His hands shifted, fingertips touching his lips as though he could still feel hers there. “A moment later she was gone.”
His eyes focused, his hand reaching to brush my cheek. “Trust in this, Emma Jane.” His voice came on a soft shaky breath. “I would not feel that loss again for anything…or anyone. I swear it.”
CHAPTER NINE
“Joan of Arc died, Eli. I don’t want to end up the same way,” I said, swallowing through the tightness in my throat. “This may come as a shock to you, but I don’t want to have my head hacked off or be burned at the stake or have my arms and legs tied to four horses while they run in opposite directions.”
“I don’t want you to die either, Emma Jane,” Eli said, rising from his squat on the overlook.
“Right. That might go over better if I didn’t know most illorum die under your watch.”
“You’re fighting creatures stronger and more cunning than anything on earth. Their desperation makes them driven, not stupid,” he said. “Naturally, there’s some risk.”
“Yeah, I’m picking up on that.”
“You were born for this,” he said. “I’ll practice with you. Help you develop your angelic gifts.”
Hellsbane 01 - Hellsbane Page 9
