by Lexi Blake
Just not enough. “I can’t be with you again, Ryan.”
He leaned back. “You’re scared. I’m not going to do that to you again. I’ve learned my lesson. I was arrogant and foolish, but you were wrong too.”
“How the hell was I wrong?”
“God, I wish I still had the right to spank you. How were you wrong? You failed to do the one thing you promised.”
What was he talking about? “I was practically the perfect submissive. I was everything you needed me to be.”
He shook his head. “No. I needed you to be honest. If I didn’t give you the chance to stand by me, then you did the same thing to me. You didn’t tell me what you really needed.”
Yes, because that would have been so easy. “And if I’d told you I needed you to marry me? If I’d told you I needed to have an equal say in our lives?”
His voice was steady as he spoke and he looked straight into her eyes. “Anywhere but the bedroom and we could negotiate. Hell, even there, I’m open.”
Sweet words. “Maybe now, but then?”
“I don’t know,” Ryan said with a long sigh. “I was a different person then, but so were you, and we owe it to each other to try again. Jillian, I’ve never felt for any other woman the way I feel for you. I’ve regretted failing you for a year and a half. It’s eaten away at me. I love you. I made a mistake, but you’re making one, too, if you don’t give it a second chance. Can you honestly say you haven’t missed me?”
Only every minute of every single day. “It doesn’t matter. I can’t trust you again.”
“I can earn your trust back.” Ryan reached out again, but he only touched her shoulder. “We’ll take things slowly. Have lunch with me. Once a week. Just give me one hour out of the week and we’ll talk. No pressure. No expectations.”
And she would fall for it all over again. No. She wasn’t going to do this again. She wasn’t going to let him screw her over. She’d been so pathetic, just nodding and getting her suitcase. She should have turned on him. She should have told him exactly how she felt. Angry. Just like she did now, except she wasn’t such a disgusting little wimp now. “I have zero interest in seeing you again, Ryan. There is no way I would ever go back to the type of relationship we had back then. I can forgive you because I realize that you’re just not capable of actual love. You’re hollow on the inside. You’re lovely to look at, but you’re not man enough for me. So you can take your lunches and waste some other sub’s time. I’m looking for someone I can actually rely on.”
The minute she finished, she wished she could call the words back. His eyebrow ticked above his eye and he’d gone pale.
He looked away from her for a moment and his eyes were haunted when he finally looked back. “I still think you should let me help you. I have some money saved up. I can get you and your sister into a better place.”
And then she would be in his debt. “I think you should leave, Ryan.”
The yelling outside was getting louder. It seemed like the couple down the hall had moved their violent argument into the hallway.
“I can’t leave you here. You can hate me all you like, Jillian, but I still love you. I’ll honor your desires, I really will. I’ll be polite at work and I won’t make anything uncomfortable for you, but you can’t expect me to walk away knowing how dangerous it is here.”
A female scream punctuated his words, and Ryan had his phone in hand. “You get into the back bedroom. I’m calling the police.”
He couldn’t possibly know that this was just a regular Friday night for those two. She’d done the best she could, and he was making her feel like she couldn’t handle it. She’d had to handle it because he’d shoved her out.
“Don’t tell me what to do, Ryan. I’m in charge of this household.” She strode to the door, throwing it open. The minute she did, she realized that of all the mistakes she’d made this evening, this was the worst.
“You want to cheat on me?” A man with stringy hair was holding a knife, pointing it at his wife. “I’ll kill you, bitch. You don’t have the nerve to shoot me.”
“Jillian!” Ryan reached for her arm, but it was too late.
The woman in the hallway closed her eyes and pulled the trigger, but her aim was off and Jill was shocked by the pain that tore through her.
“Oh, fuck.” Ryan scooped her up, but the damage was done.
She saw blood and her vision dimmed, and she wished she had one more moment. Just one.
The world went black.
Chapter Five
Ryan paced the floor. Every squeak and thud of his shoes sounded like thunder in his head. It was too quiet, but then there was almost no one in the surgical waiting room. It seemed it was a slow night for gunshot victims.
God, she’d been shot. She’d opened her door and someone had fucking shot her, and she was only in that apartment because he’d been stupid enough to let her go. He’d thought he was saving her, and now she could be dying.
“Any word?” Ashley walked back in, her little girl in her arms. She’d stepped out to change her, but now the baby was quietly content, sucking on her fist.
Would Jillian still be able to have babies?
He shook his head. How long did it take?
“You love her,” Ashley said.
“Yes, I do, but I screwed up, and now I have to deal with that.”
“I don’t know. The way I heard it she kind of screwed up too. Sorry, there’s really no privacy in that apartment. I’m afraid I heard everything. Jill and I weren’t close back when she first lived here. She kind of disappeared for a while.”
“She always talked about you.”
Ashley bounced a little as she talked, a rhythm that seemed to soothe the baby. “Yeah, but she rarely called, and when she did, she was very evasive about what she was doing. I think she didn’t want anyone to know what kind of relationship she was involved in. Jill was always very assertive. I knew she was playing around with clubs and stuff. I always assumed it was just a kinky sex thing, but she was different around you, wasn’t she?”
He felt so fucking old. He felt every one of his thirty-eight years. “Do you want to know what bugged me the most about Jillian when we were together? I can’t even believe I’m saying this now, but it’s true. She was too submissive for my tastes, but I was in love with her and I thought I could gradually change that. I lost myself in the sex for a while. And then she was just so bright and smart that I convinced myself I could handle being her Dom for the rest of our lives. I could take care of her. And then I couldn’t and I was so scared of really failing her that I ruined everything. She wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me.”
And that guilt burned through him.
“I don’t know,” Ashley argued. “It seems like she should have said something. She could have fought. I know I did. I fought like a demon bitch from hell when my boyfriend decided to walk out on me. It didn’t work, but I still would have done it. If I had to do it again, even though I looked like a fool, I would have tried. He was just more scared of becoming his father than he was in love with me. But I gave him the choice. Neither one of you did the same.”
He could see it plainly now. He’d been wrapped in his own misery, in self-loathing, but he’d owed her the choice then. He’d given it to her now, and she’d made herself clear. He couldn’t force her to come back to him. The only thing he could do now was try to make sure her life was easier. “I would very much like to move the three of you out of that complex.”
Ashley patted her baby’s back. “Oh, that is absolutely going to happen, Mr. Church. I am taking you up on that, and I am deeply appreciative.”
“She seemed very against the idea.”
“Then she shouldn’t have gotten her ass shot and left me here to make the decisions. We will accept any help you can give us. I love my sister, but I have to think about Emily. If Jill won’t come with us because she’s too stubborn, then I have to make it work, but I can’t have my baby there anymore. As soon as I f
ind some day care, I’ll get a job.”
“Or you could go to school and get a real job,” Ryan suggested. “Like I said, I have some money now. Consider it a scholarship fund.”
“‘Ryan Church’s Scholarships for Wayward Girls, huh?” She had a sheen of tears in her eyes. God, at least he could help one of the Paxon sisters.
“I don’t know. Wayward seems to imply a mistake. She’s too cute to be a mistake.” He reached out and touched Emily’s head. If this was the only way he could help Jillian, then so be it.
He was deeply surprised to find his arms full of two Paxon women. Ashley wrapped her free arm around him and started crying. Emily was cuddled between them, her slobbery hand pulling at Ryan’s suit coat, but it didn’t matter.
He found himself patting Ashley on the back when the doctor walked in.
“Ashley, he’s here.” He was actually quite pleased to not be standing there alone. Somehow being there with Ashley, someone who loved Jillian, made him feel stronger.
“How is she?” Ashley asked.
The doctor smiled. “She’s lucky. The bullet didn’t hit anything of importance. She’ll be up and about the day after tomorrow, but I don’t want her to work for at least four weeks to give her time to completely heal. I need someone to talk to admitting though. Apparently her insurance hasn’t kicked in yet. They’ll want to send her home as soon as possible, and I think she could use a couple of nights here.”
Her insurance didn’t kick in for another couple of weeks. The last thing she needed was another round of medical bills.
“I’ll take care of it.” It was the only thing he could do now.
* * * *
“Are you, like, alive and shit?”
Jill opened the door to the largest man she’d ever seen, and his bulk had nothing to with fat. Ian Taggart was all muscle. What the hell was the big boss doing here? “Unless you know something I don’t, I’m still kicking.”
And almost ready to come back to work. Was this something about work? She’d been out of the hospital for over a month, and she was looking forward to going back to work. Was he about to tell her she didn’t have a job waiting for her? How the hell would she pay back Ryan?
She stepped back and allowed Taggart to come in. He overwhelmed the small but nicely appointed apartment she’d found herself in once she’d gotten out of the hospital. It was two bedrooms and in a nice part of town. Since she’d been living here, there hadn’t been a single murder-suicide or random shooting in the whole building.
And Ryan hadn’t come to visit her after the first day either. That was probably her fault since she’d told him to go away. She still wasn’t sure what she was doing. All she knew was she would return to work in three days, and she had to figure out what she wanted to say to him.
But first she had to deal with the big guy. He looked out of place in her very feminine apartment, like a lion that had wandered into a drawing room and needed to figure out just how many tea-drinking ladies he was going to eat. “How can I help you, Mr. Taggart?”
He dropped his big body onto her dainty white leather couch. It had come with the apartment, or so her sister had told her. “You can fuck my Dom in Residence.”
“What?” Jill sort of sputtered the question.
“Sorry,” Taggart said, not sounding sorry at all. “My friends tell me I don’t deal well with social situations. Supposedly I’m too blunt, but I find that just stating the problem helps get to the heart of it. So, are you going to fuck my Dom in Residence or not?”
She felt her whole face go up in flames as she took the seat opposite him. “Uhm, I’m sorry, but that is none of your business.”
“Oh, I just wish it was. You see, I don’t like getting involved in this crap. I don’t have a relationship. Why do I have to get involved in other people’s relationships? But you guys always find a way to drag me in.”
She was deeply confused. She’d really only talked to Taggart on a couple of occasions and it was usually to get him a drink. “We guys?”
“Yeah, my friends. Ryan has become someone I like. See, this is why I don’t like many people. People are fucking maintenance. I don’t need more maintenance. I need peace and quiet and routine. Routine is good, but you’re currently fucking up my routine because Ryan is planning on leaving Sanctum tomorrow so I have to find another Dom in Residence. Do you know how hard that is?”
“No.” He couldn’t leave. She knew she was utterly perverse, but the thought of not seeing him again made her ache. “No.”
“You don’t know how hard it is because you’ve never tried to hire one. Once I weed out the freaks, and there are a fuckload of freaks, let me tell you, I have to start in with the interviews. Have you seen the geriatric guy with knives on FetLife? Yeah. He applied the last time I was looking. I get a bunch of idiots who call themselves Master Blaze and Master Storm. The last guy peed himself when he had a gun put in his face. If you’re going to call yourself Storm, at least hold on to your fucking bladder.”
“Why is Ryan leaving?” It was a stupid question. She knew why Ryan was leaving. She’d pushed him away. She’d done so just as surely as he’d pushed her away. She’d been aching and scared when she’d woken up, and all she’d wanted in the whole world was to have his arms around her. She’d opened her eyes and seen him standing there, waiting to comfort her.
And she’d told him to leave because she couldn’t trust him.
Taggart’s blue eyes rolled. “He told me it would be easier on you if he left before you came back. I asked him why. He told me it was none of my fucking business, which seems to be a theme with the two of you, and he handed me his resignation. It didn’t take me long to figure out the whole sordid mess. Let me see if I can simplify this. You signed a contract with him. When he could no longer fulfill his side of the contract, he made arrangements for you to get what you needed.”
He was oversimplifying things. She wasn’t the bad guy. “Uhm, he pawned me off on his friend.”
He leaned slightly forward, and suddenly Jill felt like there should be a light shining down into her face. This was a little like an interrogation. “Did he tell you you were supposed to have sex with the new Dom?”
“No.” He’d been very specific about that. Keith was simply supposed to take care of her. When they’d been in the car, Keith had explained that he would make sure she was happy and taken care of until such time that she no longer needed or wanted to be taken care of. He’d mentioned offering to send her to college or training, but she was welcome under his roof while she was doing it.
“So he tried to take care of you. Doms can be dumbasses. See, they sign this contract and they take it pretty seriously.”
She was sick of hearing about that contract. She’d signed it because he seemed to need it. “I took the contract seriously.”
“Did you tell him what you needed?” Taggart asked. “Because I got a copy of your contract, and that was rule number one. ‘The submissive will always communicate with the Dominant. In all areas of life, the submissive will let the Dominant know what she needs in order to be happy and fulfilled.’ So did you throw a hissy fit when he passed you on to a man who could take care of you when he couldn’t? Because I have found that hissy fit throwing actually works more often than you would think.”
She’d never realized just what an arrogant ass the big boss was. “He treated me like a piece of property.”
“So he ignored the hissy fit? Wow. I actually would have pegged him as a Dom who would bow to the fit. Huh, that makes me like him even more. Even Sean bows to the hissy. You should have seen how fast he gave in when Grace started yelling about his poker night versus her baby shower. Dudes aren’t supposed to have to go to baby showers. Sean’s job was done. She was pregnant, but now Sean had to show up and unwrap shit and we all had to be there because Sean doesn’t like listening to his wife scream. Pussy.”
“I didn’t throw a hissy fit. Damn it.”
A single eyebrow arched.
“You’re cussing like a sailor,” she pointed out. He still stared until she added a, “Sir.”
“Fine. Cuss away, little sub. Rail at the machine. It won’t get you what you want. You didn’t tell him you wanted to stay. I know you’re going to say you were hurt and shit, but that’s the heart of this little problem. He was stubborn, but that came from a place of caring. He wanted to do what was best for you. He didn’t feel like he was the same Dom you had signed a contract with.”
“I didn’t care about the money. If anything, it was a hindrance. He spent so much time working that we didn’t have time together.”
“Did you tell him that? Did you tell him you needed more time together?”
No. She hadn’t. Because she’d been afraid if she wasn’t easy to get along with, that he would leave her. And if he’d left her because he was ashamed and scared, then she’d pushed him away for the same reasons. And for a worse one.
Because she’d wanted him to know how it felt.
That knowledge had been burning in her gut for weeks. She was living in a place supplied by him. Her sister was singing his praises and she knew damn well that Ashley was talking to him, giving him updates on how she was doing. And Jill was stuck because she’d put herself in a corner and didn’t know how to get out.
She shook her head. “No. I didn’t. And when he gave me away, I didn’t argue with him. I stayed very calm because I didn’t want him to know how badly he’d hurt me.”
“Did you ever tell him you loved him? Sorry, I just vomited a little in my mouth. I hate having to do this shit.”
She ignored his sarcasm. “No. I never told him. It wasn’t in our contract.”
“Then you should write another contract because he’s got it bad. Just between you and me, Ryan turned down an offer to head a new business.”
She’d heard something about him trying a new start-up. He’d turned them down? “He told you that?”
“No. He’s surprisingly tight lipped. Another reason I like him. I just happen to be damn good at gathering intelligence. He turned it down in exchange for a fraction of what the idea will someday be worth. Do you want to know what he spent that fraction on?”
