by H. Mattern
He just kept pushing. Pushing and pushing as if forcing her closer and closer to a ledge, making her walk the plank. Couldn’t he see that this was torturing her?
“How dare you keep bringing up my husband? You have no right. You really want to know why? I’ll give you an answer . . . the parties.”
She blurted the words out, angrily. It was the first thing that popped into her mind. If he wanted to know why she didn’t like him, if he wouldn’t let it go, then she decided she would play this game of his. She’d open up and tell him how it was.
“You and your stupid parties. All those biker guys that show up, thinking they rule the world. You rev up your engines, whistle at me like I’m some slut you can mess with and act like you’re the coolest shit around. It’s pathetic, not to mention immature.”
Blake stopped pacing, walked right up to her, got right in her face and stood still. He looked at her. Frozen. Katie could feel his breath on her skin.
“Those parties, Katie, really? Those are my friends, my family, my church. You’re still so full of it. I came over when your man was still around and talked to him. And then I came over to try to talk to you. I went out of my way to keep things quiet anytime I knew you were home. That’s not it though, I can tell. What else? What are you holding back, Katie? No need to stop now. What else have I done to you?”
Katie shoved Blake out of her face, “Why must you be so stubborn? Why keep harping on this? I’ve given you an answer.”
Katie was fired up now. She couldn’t stop. “Can’t you just leave it alone? Can’t you just let it go? After all that I’ve had to go through, why must you continue to make it worse? I told you I was sorry, what more do you want from me?”
“I want a reason Katie; a real reason. I want you to tell me why you changed; I want to know why you no longer wave to me, and you no longer attempt to be even remotely neighborly like you were before—before your husband left. I’m not asking for embraces, I just want to be treated like any other human being would expect to be treated.”
Katie finally accepted that the time had come. She couldn’t hold it in any longer. All the anger from the past two years came out like flames: “I hate you. It was all your fault that night. Did you know that? It’s your fault he died. Is that what you wanted to hear? You, the jerk that always had the fun parties and people you loved surrounding you. I had people I loved, too, you know, and because of you, he’s gone.”
Blake stumbled back, shocked at the words that were rushing out of Katie.
“He wanted to be a part of your stupid clique. He died because of it. I wanted nothing to do with you after that. Does that make you feel better? Huh, Blake?”
Tears were running down Katie’s face as she said the words. He had succeeded in getting her to react. Katie wondered if it felt as good to him as he thought it would.
“What the fuck are you talking about, Katie?”
Katie put her hand up to stop him. “Blake, I can’t. No more. Please.”
Blake was, obviously shocked, speechless. He looked up at his guest, standing there, exhausted, hurting, waiting, and eager to just move on. “Katie, I never meant . . .”
Katie once again put her hand up. “Don’t.”
Micah walked over between the two of them and grabbed both of their hands. “Be happy,” she said.
“Blake. Look, I’m sorry. I’m still working through everything. I hated that you were so happy. You had friends, and I was alone. I wanted to come home and escape, but you constantly reminded me of him; you were here and he wasn’t.”
“You blamed me for his death? Katie, I don’t understand.”
Blake lifted Katie’s head up to face him.
Tears were sliding down her cheeks, drained of all energy. “All I can say is, I’m sorry. You wanted the truth and you got it.”
“But Katie . . .”
Blake was so confused from all of the arguing and the emotions that were raging within him. He looked at her in tears and was surprised by an intense urge to kiss her. He didn’t know where this was coming from since he was still so confused about this woman. They had so much to work through, and she was still so much of a stranger. Could he really be falling for her? Is that why this bothered him so much?
Oh God, don’t let it be true. It can only end badly, he thought to himself while staring at Katie. I can’t fall for her. She blames me for her husband’s death, for God’s sake. This would be an impossible situation. His thoughts roamed again to Micah as his little girl and Katie, his wife.
“You can’t be serious,” this time he said aloud.
Katie looked puzzled. They sat, just staring at each other. Blake attempted to control his thoughts. He couldn’t kiss her. Not right now.
Don’t kiss her, he commanded himself within. He wanted it so badly that it took everything in him to be able to refrain.
“Let’s just drop it. For now.” He said, and looked away. He had to break eye contact because he feared that he wouldn’t be able to resist any longer. Her eyes were pulling him in, like an undertow current, nearly impossible to fight.
“I need some space. I’m going for a walk; not sure how long I’ll be gone, but don’t worry about me. If you need me just whistle out the front door, I’ll be able to hear you and head back.”
Katie just sat and watched as Blake headed toward the door. “Are you angry with me?” she asked him.
Blake looked at her, and for the first time during this entire conversation, he thought he saw compassion in Katie’s eyes instead of the usual anger and frustration.
He walked over to her, and came very close, closer than ever before. He knew she wasn’t comfortable with the nearness, but it didn’t stop him. He placed his hands on her arms, touching her, though a simple caress just above her elbow, sent chills through his whole body. He wondered if it had the same affect on her.
Katie looked into his eyes, he could see uncertainty in her glance. Blake knew she felt something too, but did she realize it?
“I’m not mad. I’ve got some other feelings that I need to work through, though. This conversation was good. It was real, not an easy one, but it was needed and helpful. I’ll be back in a little while.”
Katie sat still and quiet as a mouse, trying not to shift. Blake wasn’t being forceful, and he wasn’t doing anything wrong. He was just close—probably too close, based on her body language. The way they stood there was the same stance that was usually the prelude to a kiss.
Blake smiled. Katie didn’t move. He waited another moment and then turned around and walked toward the door.
Katie stopped him by asking, “Where are you going?”
“There are a few trails in the woods that I’ve made a habit of roaming. They’re probably a disaster by now, but I want to check it out anyway. I need the silence. Painting is therapy for you—the trails are therapy for me.”
Blake wanted to invite her to go with him. The thought of being in the fresh air with her and Micah made him happy, even though he knew it was likely to never happen. Never say never. It isn’t totally impossible, right? Blake found himself wondering what things were going to be like if Katie and Micah left. Would everything go back to the way it was before?
Blake needed time alone and knew Katie wouldn’t mind his absence either. It had been a rough evening for them both. Would all of their evenings be so drama-filled?
Blake glanced over at Katie and said, “See you in a bit,” then walked out the door.
She sat with Micah jumping up and down in front of her, wanting attention.
Blake breathed in the scent of woods as soon as he stepped off his front porch, glad to be away from the women that had become such a big part of his life in such a short amount of time. He had gotten too close to Katie. He remembered how she tensed up beneath his arms. How could h
e think falling for her would be a good idea? He should have protected his heart better. Katie still had so many ill feelings toward him.
As he walked, Blake began to talk out loud. “Why? Why her? Why now? Why would she be forced into my life, a woman who obviously has growing up to do and blames me for her husband’s death? Why must I fall for her? This can only end badly.”
Blake paused; quietly he waited for an answer. Any answer. His feelings couldn’t be squelched. He knew that this wasn’t just an attraction to a pretty girl—it went deeper. He wanted Katie more than he had wanted any other woman, and this time it wasn’t just a physical desire. Sure, that was part of it, but there was more.
He knew he wanted a life with Katie Baker. He wanted her to stay in his home forever. He wanted her in his bed. He even wanted to fight with Katie for the rest of his life. She was impossible, but he wanted her to be his, regardless.
“I’m in trouble, Universe. How can I live with a woman while feeling so strongly about her? Just ignore them? What if I can’t stop next time and I end up kissing her and scaring her away?”
Blake felt an answer come into his heart, into his head. He would be patient and let fate bring them together. If it brought them together to begin with, it can bring them their happy ending also. Right? He hoped.
“What if she never feels the same way? What if she only wants to be friends?”
Calmness came over him. He knew everything would be fine. He didn’t know how, he just felt that all would work out in it’s own time. He had to be patient and wait for Katie to feel something for him. I just won’t hold my breath.
Blake continued to walk. Listening to the birds singing their afternoon melodies while the squirrels ran on ahead of him. His thoughts raced through all the possibilities and all the things that could happen. He could end up with a family. They would be his, forever. These thoughts caused mixed emotions to rise up within him.
He never had a good example of what a family was supposed to look like. How was he to know how to be a good husband or father? Blake began to worry about all that a relationship with Katie would include.
He realized that he was running ahead of things, and laughed at his own panic. It was still very early. His thoughts roamed back to reality and wondered whether Katie would ever fall for him. If not, then he had nothing to worry about regarding parenthood.
He looked up at the trees. Oh, the trees. His friends. He thought about the five senses and took notice of his at the moment. So many colors were around him. He felt a chill in the air, a chill that smelled like rain and storm—lingering evidence of the day before. Blake breathed in refreshment and filled his lungs with renewal. Truly making space for all of his thoughts and feelings.
CHAPTER
11
Blake was headed back towards the house when he heard a series of rumbles. He quickened his steps. Worried about Katie and Micah and the unknown bustling, he started to run ahead. When he arrived at the house, he could hear what sounded like large trucks moving around just beyond their property, as if attempting to make it through. After standing for a few minutes to observe the commotion, Blake noticed a man climbing through the debris wearing an orange vest and hardhat.
“Hello there,” he said to Blake as the two men spotted one another through the brush. “We’re just out helping the neighbors clear driveways, you guys interested in any assistance?”
Blake was thrilled at the idea of having another set of hands or two to help with all the mess that needed to be cleared. He walked up to the man, who was now out in plain view, and reached out to shake hands.
“We’d love that. I’m Blake Quinn.”
The man accepted Blake’s hand and gripped it firmly, “I’m Tom; it’s nice to meet you, Mr. Quinn.”
“Please, Mr. Quinn was my dad, I prefer to go by Blake.”
The man nodded in agreement then turned and noticed the place where Katie’s house had fallen. He gawked and slowly stepped over to the site, shaking his head in disbelief.
“Wow, was that your place?”
“No, mine’s the other one,” Blake said, turning around to point at the large brick cottage just across the gravel drive. Even before Katie’s home had disappeared, Blake thought his own house a bit excessive. It wasn’t a huge place, but compared to Katie’s little cottage, it had been magnificent. And now, here she was homeless while he’s left sitting comfortably in a large four-bedroom bachelor pad.
Four bedrooms. Blake thought about those rooms. Why he thought he needed that much space to begin with, he’d never know. He tried to justify each of them in his mind. There was the room for working out; another was the office, every man needed an office for all the computer type stuff, right? Where else were you supposed to put a printer? Then there was the master and guest bedrooms.
Katie’s cottage couldn’t have been more than a two bedroom. Blake thought about her and Micah, how cozy it must have been to be so close to one another in that little space. Perhaps there was something greater about such a minimalistic life.
Blake’s thoughts were interrupted by the other crewmembers that were also making their way onto his property. Tom, who Blake guessed to be the one in charge, asked him another question.
“Were their causalities?” He was still staring at where Katie’s house had once stood.
“No. Thank God. They were with me.”
Blake had flashbacks to the events of that first night and how he had almost given up the fight to get the girls inside his place. He had worried about being too forceful, too persistent. What if he hadn’t been?
He remembered watching them from his window; he had watched as Katie struggled to get her daughter from the car. He doubted even then that she’d be able to make it inside on her own. He’s not sure why he felt so determined that they should be with him—perhaps it was some type of animalistic intuition. He remembered running to them as everything grew dark and surrounding Katie with his own body. Blake shivered as he remembered the details again for the first time.
He would have lost them, if he hadn’t followed his instinct. That idea scared him. He couldn’t image life without them now.
“That’s going to take a lot of work to get cleaned up.” The man took off his orange hardhat and rubbed his balding head, bringing Blake back to the present.
“Yeah. I know. The woman that lived there hasn’t really had time to process everything, she’s trying to take things a day at a time.” Blake said to the man.
“Well, we’ve got loads of road work to do around town, but when we’re finished, we can check back in with you. If you guys need any help, I could maybe talk the guys into lending a hand. Is her husband planning on re-building?”
“There is no husband.”
As Blake said the words, he wondered whether or not things would have been different if there had been. Would they have hidden together inside their little cottage? Would they have made it over to his house? No need fussing over “what if’s”, he thought to himself.
What was Katie going to do now? Would she re-build? Would she move in with her family? Would she go live with her dad? What would happen to them once the roads were cleared? Would she leave him? Would he ever get to see her again? Blake began to panic a little bit at the thought of life going back to normal without Katie in it.
“Boy, I’d hate to be in her shoes,” the man said right as Katie walked up behind them.
Micah clung to Katie’s good shoulder while straddling her little legs on either side of her mother’s hip. Katie seemed very excited to see more people. Blake read pure joy on her face and wondered if it was the fact that she’d finally be saved from the apparent misery of spending time with him that made her so elated.
“Finally. I’m so glad to see someone make it through this mess, does this mean that our roads are going to be cleared out?”
“Yes ma’am. I just heard about your house. So sorry, miss.” He stood, looking with compassion at the woman and the little girl.
Blake looked at the pile of trash. There was no evidence left of the little cottage that once stood so beautifully, so full of love and light that Katie had so much invested into. Her little country cottage once put together and so sweet, was now lying across the lawn in pieces like garbage. Blake wanted to embrace her, to give her strength as she stood there staring.
“Yeah. It really sucks—a nightmare I can’t wake up from.”
The three of them stood frozen where they were. They all tried to avoid discussing the events that surrounded that night, and the storm. The men all gathered around and peered across what used to be Blake and Katie’s street. It was a complete disaster, with puzzle pieces of memories blanketed in between fallen trees and glass.
They all had their work cut out for them. Tom turned to his men and suggested that two of them start with the trees, he gave them orders to chop the wood that had fallen, and the other two men were to start on garbage pick up.
“I’ve got a truck we can use to load timber in.” Blake offered.
“You have a truck?” Katie asked in surprise. “I thought you just rode the motorcycle.”
Blake gave a funny, almost irritated laugh. She doesn’t know me at all, he thought to himself.
“Are you telling me you never saw me pull out in my truck? It’s in the garage, but I use it on a pretty regular basis.”
“Now that I think about it, I vaguely remember. You always had so many men and women coming and going, I only assumed it was some girlfriend of yours,” she said, obviously lingering and emphasizing the topic of females.
