“Would you?”
“Well, a couple of days. I am not hard-hearted.”
“But you are a liar, aren’t you? You have deceived me.” I turned in his arms and held him off.
“What do you—”
“Don’t. It’s beneath you.”
He held his head. And in that one moment I saw all my folly. I had only been playing with the thought of his betrayal. I had not really believed it. If I had, I would not have carried on a normal day—brought him to see the bears, brought my new bow. If I had truly believed he had betrayed me, there would be no familiar days again. For either of us.
The realization hit me like a blow, and I staggered, more wounded than I had been from the fall or the blow to my head. He looked up, startled, and caught me, his eyes wide with fear. “God, what is wrong? You are entirely white! Sit down!”
I collapsed more than sat, my heart beating so rapidly I was surprised I could not see it moving the fabric of my shirt. “You have lied to me!”
He nodded sadly, kneeling alongside me. “I’m sorry, Niko. I didn’t mean it. Truly I didn’t. But the temptation was too strong. I couldn’t resist! How could I? I mean… given what you are.”
Oh God, he killed me, and then he stabbed me again to hurt more. “What I am? Am I that terrible?” I had imagined him tempted by the irresistible—not running from something repulsive. The first, I could forgive, understand—after all, had I not already reasoned he was only at the beginning of this journey and had all such temptation ahead of him?—but to tell me he found me abhorrent and was running from me… that was too awful to hear.
He moved to sitting cross-legged and put his hand on my thigh. “You know you are, Nikolai. I just could not resist. Do you see?”
I looked off into the distance at the darkness of the forest. “Do you think I will just acquiesce? Do you understand me so little after all we have been to each other?”
He lowered his eyes. “Well, I expected some grumpiness and complaining, but then you are grumpy about everything and complain about everything. But I knew I’d be able to talk you round. I did not expect you to throw yourself off your horse and injure yourself for sympathy, however.”
I creased my brows in disbelief, which made my scalp bleed again. “You think this is funny? You joke about this?”
“Well, you are a little bit comical, yes. I wish I could get to the water. Your face is awful now. They may be there when we return, and though I want them to be terrified and in awe of you, I do not want them to run screaming! Although that would be very amusing to watch.”
I thought the blow to my head had done more damage than I’d realized. I could make no sense of this at all. He was leaving me. That was all I could focus on. I grabbed his arm before he could rise. “He is coming here? To fetch you? From me?”
“Huh? Well, yes, I was going to tell you. But you have been bad-tempered with me all day, and so you made me feel guiltier than I already was for agreeing to this without telling you, so I did not tell you. If you see what I mean.”
I did not. “Aleksey. You are leaving me for someone you met in the colony, and he is coming here, to our cabin, to take you from me? Is that what you are telling me? Because if it is, I will kill you both—and I will not do it quickly.”
His eyes widened, and he was silent for a long time, thinking back, I assumed, over everything we had said and done that day. Finally he ventured, “I think we have been talking at cross-purposes.” Then he flared into anger, just as quick a mood change as I remember from Hesse-Davia. “You thought I would leave you?” He punched my arm, then did it again, harder. “You thought I betrayed you! You don’t trust me! My God, you don’t trust me!” Then his face crumpled, and he stood abruptly and gathered up the horses’ reins.
Suddenly he came back and aimed a kick at me, which I thought was a little unfair, as I was injured and not as quick as I usually was to dodge his fury. I winced as his boot caught my unprotected thigh but snagged his ankle and twisted him to the ground, then lay over him, one sure way that, being much heavier than he, I could keep him trapped. “You agreed you’d lied to me, Aleksey! This is not all in my mind!”
“Oh, whore’s breath, Nikolai. Get off me! I lied about the party we are putting together to go to the falls. Get off me! I have already agreed we would both join them—but I am not going anywhere with you now, because I do not like you. Get off me!” I rolled to one side but kept hold of his arm, despite his very real desire to be away from me. I couldn’t entirely blame him for wanting this.
“You have volunteered us for this rescue party. That is it? That is what has made you guilty and silent and to get out your jewels and play with them.” I frowned. “That sounded more wanton than I intended.”
He chuckled, and I felt his whole body relax. “They will probably be there when we get back. I said they could pick us up on the way. I am glad you thought I was leaving you, because now I do not feel guilty at all. I cannot believe you thought that—when I told you only last night—actually I am not going to repeat that, for you do not deserve to hear it ever again.”
I pulled him a little closer and whispered, “I know.” Then I added in an even lower tone, “But I need to hear it once more.”
He snorted and shifted away. I bit my lip, then clenched my jaw. “You tell me I am stupid, Aleksey, because it amuses you, but I think you are right. I am such a dullard that one telling of this wonder is not enough. How could anyone love me? That you do is—no one has ever—” My voice became unsteady, and I could not proceed. Aleksey apparently did not need me to. He returned to my side. I do not do contrite very often with him, so when I do, it tends to undermine his anger—justified or not—exceedingly quickly. He laid his hand upon my thigh, then swore, leaned over, and kissed my cheek.
I swallowed. “Would saying I’m sorry—” I could not continue, for warm, smiling lips pressed to mine. I’m only surprised Aleksey recognized my words as apology, so rarely did he hear such from me.
Apparently Aleksey was well able to interpret other emotions I habitually kept from him as well. At a small shudder from me he pulled his mouth off, then cried, “Niko. Don’t… please.” His own eyes welled with tears at seeing streaks in the blood upon my cheeks. “Oh, don’t. I forgive you. There? Is that what you want to hear? You were entirely justified in thinking I was betraying you. Death is exactly what I deserved.” He paused here for a moment, seemingly deep in thought. “Wait, did you threaten to… you did! Slow death?”
Before I could defend myself from this latest accusation (which would have been difficult, as in my extremity I may have mentioned such a fate) or comment on this suspiciously swift change to his forgiving mood, he added thoughtfully, “No, you are quite right. Nothing less would suffice. It’s almost noble to think on.”
Oh God. “You sound as if you would like to put me to the test! I do not think your idea of a slow death would coincide with mine! I’m not talking about lingering on a comfy pillow, Aleksey.”
“Well, we could do it in the high Roman fashion. I knew there must be a good reason I had to sit through all those hours and hours of tedious lessons as a boy. You, of course, won’t know what I am talking about, because you are little more than a savage who can barely read and write, and most certainly has never read Shakespeare.”
“I beg your pardon, I—”
“Do not even mention being a doctor! The only examinations you carry out these days are illegal.”
“You seem to enjoy them well enough.”
He had the audacity to smirk at this, but just as quickly his mood swung once more. “I allow you to do such things, but still you do not see that for what it is.” I then confess I let him take similar liberties with me. He was owed this final surge of anger, and I needed physical demonstration of my genuine contrition. I let him turn me forcibly and was meek as he lowered my breeches. I let him part me with his hands and enter me without preparation. I let him smack me until my flesh below was as painful as that up
on my head, and I made no murmur of complaint except the ones he wanted to hear about how big he was and how much it hurt to be thus thrust into when not ready (which was true, so I was not entirely lying for effect).
When he was done, I think he was the first to wonder about the bears. But once articulated, the realization that we had lain so unmindful only a few feet away from such a large gathering made us dress quickly and mount our restless horses. Xavier was quite flighty and difficult on the way back, blaming me for making him kick me, I suspect. My horse and my lover often expressed guilt in the same way.
We continued our very pleasant discussion on the way home, going over once more who had said what and why and what he had really been thinking. We had made something of a specialty of these posthurt examinations, and both enjoyed them immensely. It did occur to me briefly that this level of enjoyment encouraged initial misunderstanding, but then I remembered the moment when he had confirmed to me that he had lied, and knew I would not wish another such moment upon my poor senses if I could help it.
It was during this very pleasant ride home that he told me what he had actually lied about, and I finally understood him. Not only had he volunteered us both for a rescue party to the doomed colony and fort, he had told the other members of the group to meet us at the cabin this very day. After digesting this news, I asked cautiously, “What have you told them about us, Aleksey? How have you… explained us?”
“Well, yes, that was… I was going to tell them we were brothers, but then… that would be ridiculous, as we look so different. I was tempted to tell them the truth and dare them—oh don’t look like that. I did not, of course. No one would believe me anyway—that was uncalled for. So, anyway, I might have let slip once something about being at court, and this was seized upon, of course, so I might have given the impression that I was a nobleman, and they then naturally assumed I was from one of the exiled—”
“Aleksey….”
“I told them I was a displaced noblemen and that you were my doctor.” He twisted Boudica’s mane, frowning. “Which is true, in a way. If you think about it. Oh, do stop looking at me like that! I had to tell them something—admit you exist. I could not say I lived out here all on my own, could I? Why would I do that, when I could have a very comfortable house in the new town?”
“Our cabin is not comfortable enough for you, Your Majesty?”
“I’m not going to dignify that by responding to it.”
“You just did.”
He shut me up by leaning over and kissing me, which was not easy to do on horseback.
Of course, I had no intention of accompanying anyone to a remote (and apparently now empty) colony or fort, and I wasn’t going to let Aleksey go on his own with a pile of soldiers, obviously, so I wasn’t especially worried about having to then listen to his enthusiasm over the whole plan: who was in the rescue party, what provisions they were to take, which colonist families were joining in, and other such things. I interrupted as gently as I could. “Who is going to care for the horses if we join such a force? We have foals, mares in foal. We cannot just up and leave them.”
“Of course not. Give me some credit, Nikolai. I have owned more fine horses in my life than you, I’d wager. This is the brilliance of my plan—there is a captain in Major Parkinson’s company who cannot ride at the moment as he hurt his back when we were—anyway, he has volunteered—well, I asked him, and he agreed—to come and live here while we are away. He is an excellent chap, and I know you will like him. Or at least tolerate him.”
“You have it all organized, do you not?”
“I have not decided what is best for Faelan. What do you think? Should he come with us? Will he be up to it?”
As none of us were going, I was quite happy to say that Faelan would be fine on such a journey, which clearly made Aleksey happy. I liked being consulted, even if it was this late in the day and my input didn’t matter anyway.
I felt like something unpleasant to step in, being so false to Aleksey now, and knew I ought to have told him outright of my refusal, but I did not.
I expect total honesty from him but do not often give it in return—as my lie about the Black Crow proves. Now that I was secure again in having Aleksey, I was quite happy to return to gloomy thoughts that I did not deserve him. It was this self-recrimination that then colored what happened when we returned to the cabin.
There was a large group of people on the opposite side of the lake, milling around, showing signs of setting up camp. When we went up to them, instead of saying all that I had intended, instead of seeing them out of our little kingdom, I greeted them hospitably.
I was a little surprised, therefore, by the reception I got from them, given I was making such an uncharacteristic effort to be polite.
They stared at me, mouths open. The young daughter of the colonists particularly was gaping at me, as if I had materialized from the very earth upon which I stood. It was all very… perplexing. I turned my gaze upon my young man, who had the grace to be looking elsewhere—anywhere but at me, in fact. And then I remembered his confession—how he had told them I was his doctor. I had the distinct impression that when he had thus named me, the description had been embellished by… shrunken… yellowed… aged?
My private amusement with Aleksey was apparently mistaken for geniality with the world in general, for my reception was soon more amiable, the officers particularly appearing very glad to make my acquaintance.
I felt Aleksey swell with pride alongside me. I felt his love and his desire for me then as a tangible thing, and I could not deny him one moment of his pleasure.
I agreed that, most assuredly, we were to accompany them and that, naturally, I would lead them to the fort and that, by all means, we would leave on the morrow.
It was all I could do.
I loved Aleksey too much, and on the rebound of thinking I had lost him, there was nothing I could deny him.
Chapter Three
I THINK I was a little stunned that night. Perhaps I genuinely had been concussed from Xavier’s hoof upon my temple, but I could not make sense of what was happening to me. I was about to leave my comfortable cabin and trek through the forest in the winter (well, it was close enough to that harsh season to make no difference once we reached the falls, which were much higher naturally than our lake) with a group of men to discover an empty fort.
Aleksey was giving me very wary looks as we made ready for bed—me on a temporary pallet on the opposite side of the cabin. This was the first deception that was forced upon us by his enthusiasm to have things different to how they were. I could not, would not, risk one of the group from across the lake coming up to the little log house on the pretext of fetching some food perhaps, or some other spurious reason, and discovering what we really were to each other. This was Aleksey’s kingdom, and our rules had applied here when the only people we saw were transient and passing through our land to other places. Now, however, we had civilization creeping closer every day, and we could not afford to have our situation known in the colony. We would most likely have to move on, and neither of us wanted that, having put so much work into our new home. I think Aleksey was rethinking his rash decision now. He was certainly looking very downcast. When I actually climbed onto the sacking, he exclaimed exasperatedly, “That would not fool anyone but a complete imbecile, Niko. You have hardly spent the last two years sleeping like that on the floor.”
“It would certainly not fool anyone that I was merely your doctor if I was examining your body as closely as I do most nights. You have brought this upon yourself. Get used to it. We will be sleeping apart until we return from this expedition.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. We will find opportunity to be together. We did in the war.”
“No, we did not. Your memory is very faulty if that is how you remember our march to war. I remember it as nothing but frustration and desire, which was thwarted at every opportunity.”
He climbed onto our bed and lay on his belly, head at
the foot of the mattress, on folded arms, considering me. After a while, watching me attempting to get comfortable, he commented dryly, “You will be very desirous of me after a few nights of this, will you not?”
“Stop being annoying and tell me about these people I am to suffer for the next few weeks. A family?”
“Yes. I am surprised they wanted to come, given the circumstances.”
“Circumstances?”
“Well, yes, that the colony has all been eaten.”
“Uh-huh. This is your latest theory. Mass cannibalism?”
“It is quite a good theory. It would explain why they are missing. They are… consumed.”
“What about the bones?”
“Ground down to make flour.”
“Uh-huh. And the last man standing—the one who did all the killing and consuming and grinding?”
“Ah, that is the best part of my theory: he ate himself from his feet up.”
“You are not funny. I did not like the way the daughter stared at me, I will tell you that for nothing. I had no thought of ravishing her, as you know, so did not like her looking as if I would.”
“No. I do not like her either.” He chuckled. “And she is not the daughter. She arrived in the colony recently on the last ship we had from England—a widow. She married the Reverend Wright very soon after her arrival—the other three young men are his sons: Jacob, Samuel, and Martin. They are all right. Very quiet. I do not think they are as keen to go and live in the outpost as the reverend—he is to be the new pastor, apparently.”
“She is his wife? You jest. She is hardly more than a child herself, and he is gray of beard!”
Aleksey's Kingdom Page 4
