*****
I turned in on myself. I hated the way I'd gone ape shit on Teddy. I knew, even at the time I was flipping out, that he didn't deserve it. I had some sort of out of body experience and couldn’t make myself stop. For the most part, Teddy had been nothing but nice to me. Sweet. Caring even; and I'd lashed out, lost control, and aired all of my dirty laundry because I was feeling insecure and preyed on his uneasiness. You've had five years to deal with the ripple effect from Adam's abuse; Teddy didn't even get five minutes. I felt guilty and ashamed that I'd taken it so far -beforehand with the kissing, and after when I'd yelled at him about Adam and Caleb. The guilt alone was crippling, but accompanied with an overwhelming sense that I'd never ever see him again was downright debilitating. All of the Teddy business was far outweighed by the fear of my personal demons.
I thought all the time that, despite everything I'd been through, I was "normal". I was so wrong. The things I'd said to Teddy, the things I'd done, the way I behaved had betrayed me. I was frightened of the person lying in wait in my subconscious where I’d buried so deeply all of the things that happened with Adam. There was so much crazy bubbling underneath the surface, I almost marveled at how I could function at all. You're not functioning. How does one get to eighteen years old without a single friend to speak of? I did have a friend for about a minute before I went and wrecked it. Just another reason to hate all of them: Adam, Caleb, Paul even my mother, too because not only had they destroyed my past, but it looked like my future, that a few days ago was so glittering (even if I was just going to the state school across town) was hopeless.
I spent days in the empty house, mostly in my room, thinking and turning it all over in my mind. Playing and replaying the horrible scene and freeze-framing the last look Teddy, my beautiful Teddy, gave me before he bolted out the door without his tee shirt. My beautiful Teddy? You really are mad! But images of Teddy and I lying together on the beach were swimming, unbidden, through my mind. Every time I closed my eyes I saw his face, his body, his hands closed around a book. Every time there was a silence I heard his laugh, his voice, his breathing. After days of analysis and semi-madness I decided it was necessary to come out of my cave. I gathered my beach things, and, feeling brave, dug a red two-piece bathing suit out of mother's things. Surprisingly, since Teddy had been insistent on feeding me the last few weeks I’d put on some pounds and my ribcage was, for once, hidden under a healthy layer of flesh. I tied my cover up around my waist and threw Teddy's tee shirt over my head. It smelled mostly like me now since I'd cried into it, but right at the collar there was a strong reminiscence of his cologne which eased my nerves for another day alone. I hitched a ride with the Sisters Slut back to the beach.
Summer was ending, but early August in Florida doesn't feel like it. That day was especially hot, and I knew we were in for a long haul until the weather broke; Halloween at the earliest I was sure. The trek to my rock felt so much longer and there were shimmers rising off the sand distorting my view, like one of those desert delirium scenes from an Oliver Stone flick. I regretted not swiping one of the sister's water bottles; I was parched before I got out of the car. I walked, more like trudged, to my spot. I barely looked up the whole way I knew it so well, but I couldn't bear to look up and see it empty. When I reached my rock I couldn't believe he was there.
"Hi stranger," he said oh so non-nonchalantly as if the last seventy-two hours hadn't passed for him in the same utter misery as they did for me. He looked up from his typical position, trashy sci-fi novel face down on his stomach. All I could do was open and close my mouth over and over like a guppy. Why is he here? I thought this was over? The panic rose like bile in the back of my throat. He's going to use everything you told him against you, stupid. He's going to punish you for losing it - run. I had taken two or three reflexive steps backward when he interrupted my flight: "You didn't think you'd get rid of me that easily, did you?"
Is he serious? "Um, I didn't think it was that easy,” I said, averting my eyes.
"Come now," He purred as he jumped to his feet like a cat. In two quick strides he'd closed the gap between us and was looming over me. His voice lowered to a seductive purr and sent shivers through me though it was well over a hundred degrees. "You have my tee shirt,” he hummed tracking his finger on the inside of the collar. The light touch of his finger made my skin tingle.
"You can buy another one," I squeaked. His breath warm on my face.
"Not like that, it's my favorite," he was crooning. His voice was closer to my ear but I couldn't look at him.
"Well, you're not getting it back, pal," because I sleep with it every night.
"Oh? Why is that?" Caught. Damn.
"Because it's mine now," at this he forced me to face him.
"Okay. You can have it, but I get visitation rights," he was smiling with his entire face, even his eyebrows (which should be noted were also beautiful) were smiling. I had to take a step back. I was getting that heady sensation like right before we kissed, and I just couldn't allow myself to get sucked into the Teddy vortex of unrestrained licentiousness. I didn't know what kind of evil, deranged person was going to emerge. I had to keep myself in check so I could say everything I had come up with over the last three days.
"Teddy, wait," his smile faltered but he didn’t step away. We were close; very close. But he was far enough away now that I could slow my breathing and steady my heart rate. I sat down cross legged on the rock facing the ocean and he did the same. Our knees were grazing and it was making me tingle all over so I straightened my legs out in front of me. "Can we please talk about what happened," I saw his eyes roll immediately from the corner of my eye and I was put out. He sensed my irritation.
"Why?"
"What do you mean, why?"
"Talking is what started us on this...this...fight. I don't want to fight. I do want to make up, though," and he ran his index finger from my knee to my upper thigh. I thought I was going to jump out of my skin but I couldn't let on. I picked up his arm by the wrist and placed it squarely in his lap, which he didn't seem too happy about.
"I don't want to fight either. That's not why I want to talk. I want...Teddy," I fumbled and fumbled over the words though I must've said them in my mind a thousand times over the past few days. I steeled a breath and they came out like a dam broke, "Teddy, I'm sorry for everything about that night. I'm sorry for bringing you to my house. Sorry for unloading all of that onto you. You've been nothing but nice to me and I just dumped all my problems onto you. I shouldn't have done that; it wasn't fair. I'm sorry that I got so emotional and, well, downright loony after we kissed. I've never been kissed before, I’m sure you could tell. It was wonderful. For me, anyway. But when you pulled away, which you had every right to do, I got all in my head because I'm kind of screwed up. I know that you were just being nice to me, but it felt so good and... and it just...got to be... all too much and then when you stopped I thought I did something wrong and...I mean, I still kind of do but it doesn't matter anyway because I know you're only being nice. Then, I went all psycho on you and told you all that stuff about my brothers and I never should've put that kind of pressure on you in this relationship and...I'm just...just really, really sorry." I felt a sob beginning to bubble up in my chest. I had to consciously stop myself from hyperventilating. The only thing saving me was the distant thunder of a storm somewhere out over the gulf. After a particularly loud clap, I cleared my throat and went on, unsure, "I just....I just never had anyone to talk to because everyone in my life is a jerk and I got scared. I'm still scared. Scared to keep you in my life but scared to lose you too. These past few days have been torture. I honestly thought I'd never see you again and I missed you so much. I'm so mortified at my own behavior. I can't imagine what you must think of me. Truthfully, I don't want to know. I'm just so sorry. I hope you'll forgive me. I'd really like to be friends."
I didn't realize that's what I wanted, what I craved, and why I'd missed him so much until it came out of my
mouth, but it was true. I wanted, no, needed a friend desperately. I longed so much for someone, anyone in my life to care about me that the second Teddy showed an ounce I went nuts. Like people who are starving and get a meager piece of bread thinking it's a feast. Teddy was giving me scraps, I knew it, but it was so much better than anything I'd ever gotten before and I couldn't bear to think of him taking those away, too.
CHAPTER SIX
Teddy
When she'd told me to go, it sounded like she meant it, but something in those sad eyes made me think there was still hope. I couldn’t give up on her or I’d be just like everyone else in her life. So I waited for her to come back, not knowing if she would. I waited for three entire days. I couldn't go back home - back to my parents' monstrously huge house, and my family's daily, extravagances. Not after seeing Charley's hovel. The thought of going back made me feel physically dirty, like I was swimming in a vat of motor oil. I couldn't go to any of my friends; I wasn't ready for that yet. I definitely wasn't calling you. You'd be the last person on Earth who would understand, and I was sure you’d say or do something that we’d both regret in the morning. Frankly, the thought of an easy lay wasn’t appealing anymore, and I almost couldn’t believe my repulsion of it.
Charley, in the span of a month and a half, changed the trajectory of my life. I thought with such unparalleled clarity during those three days while I ate junk food and slept in my car near the beach. She was the single bravest person I’d ever met. To be even half the person she deserved I had to man the fuck up. I finally decided that I didn't want to work for the family business. I wanted to travel. Maybe become a doctor. Charley gave me a purpose and I knew that I wanted to share it with her. My purpose and my future. I wanted her to see all that she made me. That meant she had to let me see her.
At first, I wanted to respect her request: I was going to leave her alone, but that wasn't going to happen now. I needed to feel her near me again and tell her all of the grand plans I came up with in her absence. More than that, I wanted to finally claim her as mine. So, I waited at the beach. I went early every day and stayed late every night waiting. It'd been three days and I gave up on her coming to me. I wasn't going to give up necessarily, but was going to change my approach in finding her when there she was.
She looked so awful and pretty arriving on the beach. I could tell she'd been crying; she wore it in her posture, the way she kept her head and eyes downcast. She looked like she was wearing something different. My tee shirt. Hope. She was wearing hope for me.The look she gave me when she saw me was one of, what? Elation? Relief? Did she have hope? I couldn't tell, but I liked it. I liked seeing her face so open and wanting me. Everything about the "fight", as I was calling it, melted away when I saw that face and those eyes and I wanted to jump her. When she'd finished dumping on me the longest, saddest apology ever, I touched my fingertips to her lips. She looked stunned but only for a second. She craved my touch as much as I craved touching her. When her eyes closed and she released that sexy little sigh, I let my hand wander around her face, her neck, her shoulder and come to rest on her lower back. I used my other hand to force her to face me.
“Well if that wasn’t brutal honesty I don’t know what is.” A smile ghosted across her face, but was gone as soon as it came. "Charley, stop apologizing for telling me about you. I want to know you. Don't you understand?" She started shuddering again even though we were in direct sunlight. I didn't know what to do so I put my arm around her and pulled her closer.
"It wasn't too far. I want to know you. I want to know everything about you. Good, bad, really bad, really really bad," and I was happy to see her smile even for a brief moment. "Charley, I wasn’t just being nice to you. I...I" and all of a sudden I couldn't get it out. I couldn't say it. I love you. I love you. I love you. "I know we haven't known each other long but," I love you. I love you. I love you. Say it! I love you, Charley. "I really...I don't want to lose you either."
It wasn't what I wanted to say, but she seemed to melt into me anyway. "But Charley," she tensed up again, "I don't want to be friends." She jolted up out of my arms and looked into my eyes with a worry and concern that twisted my insides. "Charley, stop worrying, Jesus. I don't want to be friends because I want you to be my girlfriend," she looked genuinely confused and her eyebrows knitted together so there was the most adorable crease above her nose. Now, I was the one who was worried. What if it was too much, too soon? What if she didn't want me like that. Of course she wants you like that; a woman's body doesn't lie. She still wasn't jumping at the chance, just staring me down looking lost. I did the only thing I knew to prove I was serious.
I put both hands palm side up on the sides of her face and pulled her inches from my own and waited. She’d been through a horrible trauma. I wasn’t going to kiss her unless I knew she’d kiss back. So I held her face and waited. If this is what she wants, she won't be able to hold back. God knows I can’t. I waited and waited, I heard her breath quickening and her jaw twitched but she just sat there, motionless with her face in my hands. It must have been five seconds, maybe longer; I heard thunder from an ocean storm rumble and clap in the distance when she finally gave in. I felt her round little nose bump my straight one, and her lips crushed into mine. I let her kiss me like she wanted and moved my mouth in time with hers. I pulled her down on top of me so she'd be more comfortable and twisted my hands through her spirally hair, down her back, onto her backside. I started to take over the kiss and couldn’t help my body’s reaction when she moaned in the back of her throat.
“God, Charley, you’re so beautiful.” She quickly rolled off and I thought I'd done something wrong so I rolled on my side to look into her face. “What, Charley? What is it?”
"I'm sorry, Teddy, I just...no one has ever…"
"What?"
"No one has ever told me that before."
She was breaking my heart and killing the mood. What do I have to do to get through to this girl? "Charley, that asshole didn’t know what he was saying and it’s just another reason I want to bash his face in. You’re beautiful. Jesus, Charley, I've been craving a better view of your body since the day we met. You can’t tell? " The deer in headlights look she gave me told me no. I put my hand on her stomach and she started to squirm.
"Shh. Charley, look at me," she obeyed and I liked that, too. "Charley, I know that you’re self conscious about your body but I don’t care. I want to see you so badly. Just seeing you here, laying in front of me, in my tee shirt with, what looks like a red bikini underneath is doing crazy things to me. Crazy, crazy things," and it was. I was getting really worked up so I took my hand off her, lay on my back next to her and held her hand. Careful to cover my arousal with the other. “I won’t do anything you’re not ready for, but know that whatever you’re wearing,” I looked at her pointedly, “or not wearing, I think you’re beautiful. I won’t ever not think that.” We lay there in silence for a moment then she rolled on her side, kissed me sweetly on the cheek and bounced up.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going for a swim."
"Oh?" It wasn't until she unwrapped her cover up so I saw her legs for the first time I realized she wasn't kidding. I know she wasn't trying to strip tease, but the way she took off my tee shirt and threw it at me felt like she was. The bathing suit was a two-piece, which was odd because I'd only ever seen her wear that black one piece. The fabric over her breasts was ruched and there was a gold clasp in the front. In the front! There was the same gold clasp on either hip of the bottom. I guess the few weeks of us being together and eating paid off because she wasn’t scarily skinny like when we first met. She was still very slender, but her chest filled out the cups of the bathing suit top and there was a sexy s-curve to her hip.
"Well," she asked, "are you coming?" The question threw me until I realized she meant was I coming in the water.
"In a minute," I couldn't get up - not yet.
"Okay," she said warily, completely oblivious to what was ha
ppening below my belt. She skipped out to the water, her long curly hair bouncing on her hips and bottom. She waded in about hip deep then, did a beautiful swan dive. She was under for a long time. A really long time. I started to panic when I saw her head bob up fifteen yards from where she'd went down. She was doing a graceful freestyle into the waves toward the horizon, toward the distant storm slashing the view with bolts of lightning. I realized even if I ran out and swam as hard as I could I wouldn't catch her, so I let her go. I was happy to. I knew she'd come back eventually.
*****
"How long will your parents be out of town?" We were in my car after hours of kissing. I knew her lips were going to be raw from my stubble, but she didn’t seem to mind. Every few minutes she’d touch her fingers to her lips and smile to herself. She was wrapped in a towel in my passenger seat. She'd pulled all her wet hair up in a messy thing on top of her head. There was so much hair, but she managed to perch it all at the crown of her head like a tiara. I was in awe of this different look; even her ears were cute. All I wanted to do was put my mouth on her little ear lobes.
What Brings Me to You Page 7
