"No way. This is your bed," he said sleepily, "you take it, I'll take the floor."
"No, Teddy, you're comfortable and after what you did for me today this is a small way I can thank you."
"Hey," he snapped, "get up here." He had scrunched his long, lean body up against the wall and had his arms open to me.
"Teddy there's no way --," but he cut me off immediately.
"Miss Feinman," he clipped, "get that sexy ass in here or I will be forced to punish you." I had to giggle at his confidence and, truthfully, being curled up in Teddy's arms is exactly what I wanted.
"Okay, but no shenanigans."
"Yes ma'am."
I eased myself into his arms, my back to his front, and was amazed at how easily we fit together. He ground his face into the back of my neck and kissed me lightly. "I'm happy you're happy, baby," he whispered. The words and his breath in my ear gave me chills down my back.
"Thank you so much, Teddy. No one has ever done anything like this for me."
"Well," he yawned deeply, "I want to do it. Now. Always." His breathing slowed to a steady rhythm, though he didn't lose his grip on my waist and then he was asleep. I, however, lay awake with my mantra playing over and over one word. Always.
*****
Apparently we hadn't stirred in the night in my little bed because I woke up to Teddy kissing my ear and running his hand from my hip down my thigh. I couldn't remember a time when I woke up as happy.
"Good morning, baby," he breathed in my hair.
"Hi." I was grinning like a fool but I couldn't help it. He sighed as he kissed the nape of my neck. I didn't want him to leave. It was the first time I felt whole in my little room, in my little bed. It was amazing how much I wanted him after I told him everything. Having someone know about my “family” allowed me to knock down a barrier to intimacy that I held up for so long. Now that I had him, I wanted him with me all the time, and the thought of him leaving, even if just for a few hours, physically hurt. I turned, for the first time completely unabashed, to face him so we were nose to nose. He sucked in a breath through his teeth and set his hand lightly on the side of my cheek.
“God, Charley.”
“What?” I asked in a sultry tone that surprised me.
“You. Waking up and seeing you. It’s…nice. I mean, it’s better than nice it’s…wow, I’m going to stop talking now.” Rather than continue to fumble over himself he pressed a sweet kiss to my lips, but moved away abruptly with a frustrated growl. “I have to go, but I don’t want to,” he whispered against my lips.
"Then, stay," I pleaded. He looked conflicted for a moment before he crashed his mouth against mine greedily. I didn’t even have time to care about morning breath or bed head because the kiss was frantic and hungry. His hand slid up and down my side and hitched around my lower back so our bodies were in line with each other. Every element in contact with the other, but it still wasn’t enough, not for me. I reached my hand between us to feel the hardened ridges of his lean muscled chest and stomach. His skin was slick and hot to the touch. When I fisted a handful of his blond hair in my hand he moaned into my mouth encouragingly. His hand roamed up the side of my body, skimming my ribs underneath my-his tee shirt so close to the underside of my breast but still not touching me. I needed him to touch me. I had to make up for the last time. I didn’t want him to be afraid.
“Charley,” he said breathlessly, looking searchingly into my eyes. I brushed some of his soft blond hair from his eyes and gave him a look that said, yes. Please. I’m not afraid. I want it to be you. It was enough because in one motion he had my arms above my head and the shirt on the floor. I was laid out underneath him in nothing but my underwear and he just looked at me. Appraised me but kept his hands off.
“God Charley,” he said and his blue eyes pierced me through with a look that sent lighting between my legs. His lips came down toward me but he kissed me everywhere except my mouth. He blazed a trail down the side of my face, across my collar bone and when his mouth landed on my nipple I whimpered. He stopped and I was disoriented. “Is this ok? Did I hurt you?” He asked, looking so genuinely concerned I could’ve cried. I released one of my wrists from his hands that were pinning them above my head and touched his cheek. I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t seem to form words. It was enough for him because his mouth landed on my breast and his other hand, no longer restraining me worked the other one. If felt divine but there was an ache between my legs that I couldn’t seem to relieve. I crossed my legs at the ankle trying to ease the pressure, but Teddy wasn’t going to have that. He released my nipple from his mouth with a pop and nuzzled his face in my neck. He slid his hand down the side of my body and into the waste band of my underwear. When his fingers reached the epicenter of the ache he hissed in a breath. “God, Charley,” I giggled a little.
“You…said…that…already…”I panted as he stroked me. I felt myself moving in time with his hand and then I was falling, crashing, a blinding white light behind my eyes, my body boneless and pliable. I laid there, not entirely sure what had happened but more content than I’d ever been, and hoping to God he would do it again. He gingerly slid his fingers out from my underwear and propped himself up on an elbow to look at me. “What?” I asked feeling all gooey and sleepy even though we’d just woken up. He kissed the tip of my nose and reared back to continue looking at my face.
“You’re so beautiful, Charley. I’ve never seen…I mean…wow.” Reality was starting to creep in and I realized that I was lying topless in front of Teddy without anything to cover me. I slung my arm around to cover my chest and the hives that were creeping up near my throat. “Don’t do that, Charley,” he moved my hand so that it was by my side, my entire front exposed. “I want to look at you. I want you to let me look at you. You. Are. Beautiful.” He kissed my nose again and his face got serious. “Was it…are you okay?”
“Teddy, I feel… different. Lighter and heavier somehow.” He cocked his head curiously.
“You’ve never, um, felt that before?” Suddenly I felt very self conscious and crossed both my arms over my chest.
“No.” I whispered.
“Wow.” He said again. And then once more, reverently. “Thank you for trusting me with that Charley.” Then, and only then, did it dawn on me what happened. Teddy gave me my first orgasm. After Adam, I never thought about sex. Adam never raped me. In all the important ways I was still a virgin, but the idea of being close to someone, the idea of any of it feeling good was foreign to me. I let Teddy touch me because it felt right. I wasn’t thinking about all the awful times in Adam’s room. I was thinking of Teddy and his lips and his hands loving all over my body. It also occurred to me that he, who was clearly still worked up, hadn’t requested anything in return. Hadn’t forced my face into his crotch like Adam. The thought of putting my mouth on Teddy didn’t disgust me like I thought it would. There was no way I was ready for that, or would ever be, but it didn’t make me want to vomit, or curl into a ball. Still, I started to panic because I thought he would expect me to do something. I sat up rigidly against the wall and Teddy got that concerned look in his eyes. I didn’t get a chance to say anything stupid because he silenced me with his finger to my lips.
“Shh. I don’t want you to be afraid of me, Charley. I did that because I wanted to make you happy. I don’t want anything but your smile right now. Okay?” he asked as he smoothed out a line between my furrowed eyebrows.
“But what about you? What, um, how…um…”
“Shh,” he said again, this time with a little humor in his voice. “Don’t worry about me, baby. I can take care of it later.”
“But it isn’t, like, fair.” Teddy tugged me down next to him so I was on my back again almost completely underneath him in my little bed. There was nowhere for my arms to go but around his muscled shoulders and he ran his hand up and down my ribcage.
“Charley. This isn’t about tit for tat or getting what’s fair. I want to make you happy. I don’t
want to push you to do anything you aren’t ready for. You’ve been honest enough with me and opened up to me so much. We have plenty of time for other things. Charley,” he paused and held his fingers underneath my chin, “I’m not going anywhere, okay? For now, just let me make you happy. Let me give you what you deserve.”
“But you deserve to be happy, too.”
“Baby,” he said seriously and leveled me with a look. “I am happy.”
“Honest?”
“That was the deal, remember?” He reached around me and tucked me into his side. I rested my ear against his chest listening to his heartbeat for a few moments before he sighed. “I gotta go, baby,” he said and I gripped him around his middle tighter.
“No,” I whined and looked up into his eyes.
"Jesus, Charley, don't do that to me," he smiled, "it's hard enough for me to resist you without you begging. I can't, I have to go to my place to get ready. I'll be back to pick you up around four. Baby, don't look like that." I must've been making a face because he cupped my cheek in his hand and kissed me sweetly on my forehead, then my nose, then my lips. He hung there on my mouth for a long time like he was trying to communicate a message. I think I got it, because it wasn't so painful when we parted and he got up. He watched me watch him get dressed and I took in his half naked body while, I assume, he took in mine. I stood up and realized the tee shirt was nowhere to be found. Right as I was going to get frantic searching for it, he closed the gap between us and firmly grasped my waist with one arm and pulled me tight toward him while he held the tee shirt with the other. He ran his hands seductively up my sides to lift my arms over my head so he could dress me.
"You’re too skinny. I need to fatten you up some.” He smiled and I smiled despite myself at his frank observation. Even though it was true, I still felt sexy and beautiful and desired; such a new and wonderful feeling. When my shirt was on, I kissed him slowly and he welcomed it, hugging my waist and flattening his large hand and long fingers over my lower back. The kiss started to escalate and he pulled away abruptly.
"Baby, I have to go," he said as he ran his hand through his bed hair. The little motion made me smile because I knew, unlike last time, meant he really didn't want to leave. He reluctantly let me go and turned toward the door. Without looking back, he called over his shoulder that he'd be back to pick me up at four.
*****
Nancy, the consummate genius observer, pretty much pegged me: eighteen and poor, so she decided that simple and youthful would be best for Teddy's dinner party. She found an orangey-pink, sleeveless, cotton shirt dress with buttons all the way down the front that she said I should try. I did as I was told, though it was not something I ever would've picked out; I thought it looked kind of like a cantaloupe. When I tried it on, Nancy said it complemented my skin perfectly and that it was a "must have". She added a skinny green belt around my waist and picked sandal-looking shoes with wide crisscrossing straps on a platform; she kept calling them "wedges". I hadn't ever really walked in heels, but these were surprisingly easy to maneuver. Nancy took the liberty of picking out a simple gold and silver watch to go with it, since I didn't have my ears pierced. I decided I should try to put on some make-up, though I didn't really know what I was doing. I crept into my parent's bathroom and browsed my mother's things. I couldn't do anything with the base even if I knew how because everything she had was way too light. I did find a brown mascara which I applied, remembering watching my mother do it, and a peach toned blush that I dabbed lightly on my cheeks. Since the dress had a collar I gathered my hair off my face and into a high ponytail. It wasn't much, but at least it looked like I tried.
All afternoon while I dressed and floated around, buoyant on the residual feeling from that mornings escapade with Teddy, I thought a lot about our relationship. I thought about the next steps with him. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for sex, and I doubted Teddy wanted that with me -at least not yet, but I couldn’t keep letting him please me without giving him something. Even though it’s what I wanted, the thought always brought me back to a dark place where I was scared and out of control. I knew in my mind Teddy was not a monster like Adam, that he would never intentionally hurt me that way but it was still too much to process. I never thought about sex with anyone. I never thought anyone could desire me that way. Me: dirty and broken, ugly and scared. Teddy changed everything for me. He wanted me. He said he was going to stick around. He called me his girlfriend. I trusted him. That was a truth that was scary and new for me. I really trusted Teddy with my heart. In the end I decided not to dwell on it too much. I trusted Teddy, he wanted me, I’d do what I did that morning and just enjoy the feeling of us being together. In the moment, I’d know what to do or what not to do.
When I spied Teddy get out of his car the arguments that I’d been having with myself about how to get physical seemed to come into sharp focus. My heart may or may not have skipped a beat. I realized it was the first time I'd seen him in real clothes -he was wearing straight khaki colored pants that fit him perfectly and a simple, baby blue polo shirt that, even from the driveway, I could see made his eyes pop. He exited his car with a large white shopping bag that I thought maybe we'd forgotten to bring in last night. When I opened the door for him he stopped in his tracks.
"What do you think?" I asked and twirled around for him once.
"I told you this morning that I think you're beautiful." There was no irony in his voice. He wasn't going to add any but. He really did think I was beautiful which took me a moment to let sink in. “I think you’re beautiful, Charley,” he repeated reverently. “Even without all of that. Even when you’re wearing a frumpy bathing suit and a giant straw hat.” I blushed and was about to walk out the door when he stopped me.
"The party doesn't start until six. I was hoping I could come in for a minute?" His voice went up at the end like a question and he seemed almost nervous which I thought was very sweet.
"Sure," though his demeanor put me on edge.
He sat on my folding chair with the bag tucked between his knees. "Don't be mad," he started and I thought: Well when you start like that...but he continued, "I went to the store today."
"Why would I be mad about that, Teddy?"
"Because I...well, here this is for you." and he pulled a large white box out of the shopping bag.
He placed the box in my lap and I noticed a with dark brown "LV" logo on the top. I didn't recognize the logo, but it didn't look cheap. When I opened it there was a beautiful, soft brown leather messenger bag. My mouth dropped open.
"I thought, since you'll be starting school soon you should have something nice for books," he said casually. I ran my hands over the smooth brown leather and the "LV" embossed into the flap. It was beautiful and screamed expensive. I couldn't accept it and opened my mouth to tell him as much but he anticipated my reaction.
"Don't argue with me. Since no one else will acknowledge your accomplishments, I am. You deserve presents. Open the bag, there's more."
Is he serious? He was looking at me expectantly, excitedly, he couldn't wait for me to open it and I wasn't sure that I wanted to. I took the bag out of the tissue lined box and felt its weight. Whatever else was in there it was heavy. I lifted the flap and there was a long, thin, silver item in the largest compartment. I placed my hand on it and it was cool to the touch. When I lifted it out I immediately recognized the apple symbol and froze.
"It's a Mac Book Pro. The guy said this was the best one for students," He said wearily, trying to judge my reaction. As if the bag wasn't enough, now this? "You're going to need it in college, baby. Trust me." I did trust him, but there was no way I was accepting this it was too much. He was too much. I thrust the box and its contents at Teddy and closed my eyes. I couldn't look at him, I couldn't bear this. It was too much. Teddy, without getting upset, simply crossed my little room and sat down next to me. He put his long arm around my shoulders and pulled me to him. I didn't fight him. I couldn't; I had no more fight left. He kisse
d the top of my head as I tried with everything I had not to sob.
"Shh baby," he said reassuringly, "I figured you were going to react...not well. But you have to accept this from me."
Why? Without having to ask, he answered.
"Because you deserve...everything. You deserve to be spoiled. I hate that no one is there for you. It hurts me that no one has loved you. You deserve to be loved," his voice was cracking like he was going to cry. In a swift movement he was kneeling on the floor before me so he could look at my face. "I'm probably crazy for saying this so soon, but I don't care. I love you, Charley."
I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. I had to grip the edges of the bed because I felt like I was going to spin right off. He kept his hands on the tops of my knees and I knew he was staring at me, hoping I'd respond. He reached into the bag and pulled out a tiny baby blue colored box wrapped in white ribbon and placed it into my lap.
"Please, open it, he pleaded." My hands were shaking so much it took forever to untie the delicate bow. When I opened the box there was the daintiest silver chain with a square pendant around it that looked like a die. On each side of the square was a letter that spelled L-O-V-E. I gasped when I realized he'd bought it for me. That he'd been thinking of saying it -it wasn't just a spur of the moment thing. That he was willing to tell me he loved me even though we hadn’t had sex and probably wouldn’t for a while. He took the box from me and in a moment he had swooped my hair over my shoulder to clasp the pendant behind my neck.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Teddy
I left her that morning sure of what I wanted to do for her. I loved her. I knew I loved her even before I made her come apart in my hands. I knew I loved her even before I got a really good look at her waifish body. I knew I loved her even if it meant I’d wait forever for her to be ready to sleep with me. It wasn’t about sex. It was making her feel desired, appreciated. Happy. Maybe for the first time ever.
What Brings Me to You Page 9
