What Brings Me to You

by Loralee Abercrombie

  “Whatever. I’m going back to chopping. I’ll just imagine it’s his face!” He huffs.

  Now Collette is laughing, too. “Markus. Shut. The. Hell. Up!”

  “Everyone knows?” I ask Collette between hysterical breaths.

  “Charley,” she says to me somberly, “they were in that car together. I’m sorry,” Collette says, placing a consoling hand on my arm.

  “I’m not sad. I’m angry. I’m humiliated.”

  There seemed to be more that Collette wanted to say, but we just sat quietly. She with her arm around me, me with my head on her shoulder.

  “Baby girl! You need to get some goddamned food in this house!” Markus called, his head as far back in my pantry as he could fit it. “How long has it been since you’ve been shopping?”

  “Ugh, I know,” I groan. “I’m going later tonight.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Teddy

  It’s my favorite time of night, Lace. The great thing about most of Tampa is that once it hits midnight, the majority of the city is in bed. I can shop for groceries without running into anyone who knew us because a) they’re asleep on their pillow top mattresses with their thousand thread count Egyptian cotton sheets in their king sized beds not touching, not talking, not making love because they’re complete strangers and b) no one you were friends with would deign to shop at Wal-Mart which, conveniently, is the only place open at one in the morning on a Tuesday.

  I don’t need to shop at Whole Foods for fifteen dollar coffee. I don’t need to be seen buying quinoa or free range chicken. Sam’s brand everything is fine with me as far as I’m concerned. I don’t bother with a cart because I’m a bachelor again and I can do that shit. Also because all I want is real coffee. I speed through to the coffee, tea, and economy size aisle looking for good ol’ fashioned classic roast when I see her.

  She’s got a cart that’s completely empty. She’s holding a box of chamomile in one hand and a box of earl gray in the other. She looks absolutely radiant and I’m right back there on the beach, wanting her. I’ve seen her around town, even gotten close enough to smell her, but this, this is different because there’s hope. I could have her again. Do I want her? How can I even speak to her? I’m not prepared for this. I have to walk away but I am transfixed by her.

  “Hi,” she says emotionless.

  “Hello, Charley.” The first words I’ve spoken to her in years. God, I’m a moron.

  “You look different,” I tear my eyes from hers to look down at myself. I don’t really feel much different, just old.

  “Funny,” I say trying to bring some levity to the situation, “You look exactly the same.”

  “You have a gut,” she says bitingly.

  “I do?” I consciously decide not to pat my front, though I make a mental note to check the mirror when I get home.

  “No.” Is she joking? If so I can’t tell, her face is like granite.

  “It’s good to see you, Charley.”

  “Is it?” She asks cocking her head to the side.

  “Yes, of course it is. It’s always good to see you.”

  “Why has it taken a chance meeting in the grocery store for it to happen?” She asks mordantly. At this I have nothing to say, and suddenly I am very distracted by a scuff mark in the linoleum near my shoe.

  “I meant to call,” is all I can mutter.

  “You did,” she spits. “You called my mother. You called Collette. I’m sure you talked to Brooke about me too. God, Teddy, did you have my house bugged? Did you hack my email accounts?”

  “Charley, will you go easy on me,” I say, undeservedly defensive. “This is hard for me to.”

  “I doubt that highly.” Her responses are so fast and furious like she’s spring loaded them I am surprised by it, but only a little. The Charley I remember was smart as a whip, but she only used her powers for good, then.

  “C’mon, Charley,” I say taking a cautious step toward her. “Please don’t make this any—“

  “How long did you know?” She’s cracked her bullwhip now. I heard the backlash of each word against my conscious.

  “Charley –“

  “HOW LONG!”

  “Shh…a while. I knew for a while.” I’m using my hands to tell her to stay quiet. People yelling at one in the morning in the Wal-mart isn’t a good thing.

  “And you didn’t think maybe that was information to which I was privy?”

  “It wasn’t my place.”

  “God, Teddy, she was your wife! Of course it was your place!”

  “I just --“

  “He was my husband, Teddy! Don’t you think I had a right to know?”

  “Ugh, I fucking hated that guy.” I meant for that to be in my head but the twelve hour work day muddled my thoughts and I guess I said it out loud.

  “Oh really? Why is that? You didn’t know him. The only thing you knew was that he was with her. Is that why you hated him? Because he was fucking your precious Lacey?”

  “No.”

  “Why then? What other reason could you possibly have to hate him?”

  “Isn’t it obvious?”

  Her eyes are blinking rapidly, her mouth in a tight line. “Don’t even try it, Gunther! You’re not going to charm me.” Not the response I was hoping for.

  “Dammit, this is coming out all wrong. I’m not trying to charm you, Charley. I just,” I sigh heavily because there’s really nowhere else I can go with this line of thought without pushing her further away, so I change tactics. “How are you doing?”

  “What?”

  “Are you okay? With everything?”

  “You must be high to be asking me that! You have no idea what I’ve lost, Teddy. No clue. It’s bad enough that my husband is dead. Now, to find out after the fact, that the reason he’s dead is because Lacey Fucking Cramer was stealing him away from me? That my husband died while running into the arms of another woman? That everything I thought I had turned out to be a lie? That the life I spent the last five years building was all just a fucking sham and I was too goddamned stupid to see it?! That the three of you played me like I’m a goddamned fool? No, I’m not okay, Teddy.”

  “Okay. I get it. I’m sorry,” my voice is getting smaller and smaller.

  “No, you don’t get it,” she throws up her hands. I’ve never actually seen anyone do that before. I can’t believe that I’m the one making her do that right now. “I don’t give a shit if you’re sorry. God, it feels like we’re in the exact same place that we were years ago. My life, everything I worked for, everything I thought I had is over. How can I possibly be okay?”

  “Charley I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I let you down, again. I never wanted to let you down. I only ever wanted to make you proud. I only ever wanted to make you happy so you’d love me.” I’m walking toward her. It’s totally involuntary but I’m like a moth to a flame. I can’t help but want to be near her. “I…Charley…I never stopped loving you. If you only knew all the things I’ve done; the man I’ve become since then you’d see.”

  “Oh my God! Don’t kid yourself, okay? Just like then, you don’t love me. You love the fantasy of me. Where you can have me as another play-toy to entertain you until you move onto something better. As a museum exhibit that you can admire through plexi-glass and then walk away. You’re just like the rest of them; you don’t stay. I don’t hold your interest, Lacey did, though.”

  “That isn’t true.

  “If not then why didn’t you come?” My stomach drops. It’s the biggest regret of my life and what’s worse, it wounded her. She’s holding back tears. “I waited for you, Teddy. I would’ve been there all night if Jaime hadn’t shown up to rescue me.” I’m trying to process the words. I never thought that she’d wait for me forever. I was the one begging her to love me, not the other way around.

  “I wanted to be there, Charley, I was on my way there, I swear, then Lacey called and…”

  “And there it is. Lacey. So you stood me up to be with her and my hus
band died for her! I have to hand it to him, though, he went further in his devotion to her than you.”

  “Just stop! You know damn well that if it wasn’t Lacey it would’ve been something else to tear us apart because I’m not a good person, Charley. I don’t deserve you. The more I tried with you the more I fucked it up so I let you go because I couldn’t hurt you. I thought I was doing the right thing but as it turns out I am a selfish asshole. I married Lacey, but I didn’t love her. I hated her, actually. I used her so I wouldn’t have to deal with my family and the business. That’s all it was for us, Charley. A business deal.

  “I thought I could protect you from far away, but I even screwed that up. It’s my fault Adam came after you. It’s my fault you had to relive the whole thing in court. I’m the reason that La Marlotte even opened, so I guess I’m the reason that he went after Lacey. I’m sorry. I’m sorry but you have to know that all I ever wanted was for you to be happy and I’ve done the exact opposite. God, I’m so sorry Charley. I’m so, so sorry.”

  “Teddy, what are you talking about? How could you know any of that how…”

  “It doesn’t matter now. I’ll never be good enough for you.”

  “You’re more than enough! All I’ve ever wanted was you, Teddy! I shared everything with you! I was going to tell you that I loved you that night. I’d never said it to anyone and I wanted to say it to you. I was going to tell you I’d always loved you. I was going to give you what you begged me for in those letters. But you never came, and you never explained, and you think that a serendipitous meeting in the fucking Wal-mart where you can say these things and it will be alright? God, you know, I used to thank you in my head all the time because you were the reason that I ended up with Jaime in the first place. Now I know that you pushed me into the arms of a man who also left me, just like you did, for the same awful human being!”

  “I didn’t, Charley. I never loved Lacey, she never loved me. God, if you knew everything you’d understand. I loved only you, Charley. For seven years, probably for the rest of my life. I’ve only ever loved you. I still love you. Charley, I love you. I love you. I love you.”

  “Then why? Why weren’t you the one to rescue me?” Her arms are wrapped around herself. Even from several paces away I can see she’s shivering violently.

  “Because you were never a damsel in distress to me. You were the one who rescued me, Charley.”

  “From what?” Tears are streaming silently down her face.

  “From myself.” I can’t take it anymore. I can’t keep looking in her beautiful face, her gorgeous pink lips, her sable brown eyes spilling tears without kissing her. So I do. I hold her face and the feel of it stirs something inside me I’ve buried for so long. With her cheeks in my hands and her lips on mine I can feel what she’s thinking. She wants to pull away, she wants to hate me but her body won’t let her forget what we had. What we still have all the years later. She closes the gap and presses her mouth to mine, her lip is trembling but she’s not pulling away anymore. She’s allowing herself to surrender to this. To us. I coax her mouth open to taste her. God I’ve missed this. I’ve missed the feel of her breath catching in her throat at the excitement of my tongue on hers. Her hand snakes up my chest and I think she’s going to touch my hair the way she used to, but she doesn’t. Instead the wrenches her face from mine and the loss of her disorients me. Then, for the second time in our history, she slaps me hard across the face

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  Charley

  I can’t fucking breathe, but I’m running out of the Wal-mart at one am, the only thing keeping me conscious is the residual sting of my hand and the sense memory of a kiss. A kiss that never should’ve happened but was unavoidable. Once I hit the air in the blackness of the sky and the grayness of the well lit parking lot, I am disoriented. My hands are shaking. I can’t find my keys to find my car. I don’t even remember where I parked it. I pull out my phone and use the one-touch dial that, until this moment, I’ve never really appreciated.

  “Collette” I say drawing in a ragged breath. I hear him calling my name. I have to get out of here.

  “Charley,” she says in a measured calm, “what is it?”

  “Collette I need…” I can’t get air. I can’t get any air to even complete this statement let alone keep me standing. I’m going to pass out.

  “Charley,” she says again, this time a bit more frantic. “Charley, I need you to listen to me. Focus on my voice.” I do. Focus Charley. Focus. This is Collette, your best friend. Focus. “Charley, you’re having an episode. You need to breathe like we used to remember?”

  “Yes.” 1…inhale…2…exhale…3…inhale….

  “You breathing?”

  “Yes,” 4…exhale….5….inhale….

  “Good, where are you.”

  “In the parking lot.” She doesn’t even bother to ask which one. I guess it doesn’t really matter.

  “You’re not okay to drive. Just stay where you are until you relax. I’ll be at your house.”

  “Charley!” Oh my God, he’s calling me. I don’t know where his voice is coming from, but it’s getting closer. I need to calm down enough to get in my car. Where is my car? Shit! 6…exhale…7…inhale…

  “Charley, please don’t run away from me. Please talk to me. Please. I love you, Charley. I’ve always loved you.” His voice, his nearness is calming me, like a drug only better because not only is it taking away the bad it’s replacing it with good. The warm silly feeling I’d always s get from him spreading through my belly. I can’t make myself stay away from him. All I want is to snuggle into his arm. I want for him to press his lips to my forehead like he did when I was a teenager. I want him to kiss me and claim me like he did so many years ago. Like I’ve wanted him to ever since. Like you never did. But I’m struggling to breathe. I can’t make sense of anything, so I flee. I take a glance back and he’s standing at the automatic doors, his hands on either side of his head looking hurt.

  “Goodbye, Teddy,” I tell him. I don’t use any words, I just look into his still beautiful face and say it with my tears.

  *****

  “You want to tell me what happened?” She’s handing me a large glass of red wine as I’m stepping out of the shower.

  “I saw him,” I say taking an enormous gulp.

  “Who?”

  “Teddy.” I have to start deep breathing again just saying his name.

  “Where?” There’s more recognition in her voice than I’d care to see.

  “In the grocery store.”

  “Did you talk?” I let out in involuntary sniff. “I see. How did that go?”

  “Honestly, I’m so confused. I’m angry with him, C. I hate him for not telling me about Jaime and Lacey. I blame him for the accident. I know that’s unfair, I know there were other factors involved, but he could’ve told me, you know?”

  “Charley, are you telling me that you had no idea what was going on before you found out they were in that car together?” Collette has danced around this for the last few weeks, but I guess in the wake of my latest panic attack she’s bringing out the big guns. I dip my head to avoid her penetrating gaze. She’s right. Somewhere deep inside I knew you were with her, I just didn’t want to accept it and I want someone, besides myself, to blame.

  “I hate him for all the times he’s let me down. For everything he ever said to me to make me think that he cared about me.”

  “But…?” I take another long pull from the wine glass and let the alcohol slide down my throat.

  “But he said a lot of other things that I don’t get. Like how does he know about Adam or the legal thing with Paul? He said he’s responsible for La Marlotte! It’s insulting and…creepy. I don’t know.”

  “What else?”

  “He said he still loves me, Collette. He…he kissed me. What am I supposed to do with that?” I huff out a breath and sink deeper into the couch.

  “Do you believe him?”

  “I don’t want to.
”

  “But you do.”

  “God! I’m so stupid! All these years later and I fall for him all over again. It’s like there are no other men on the freaking planet! He says three empty words and I’m supposed to forget about what he did to me? What about Jaime? What about me? My sanity? Tell me, what would you do in the situation?”

  “I know you don’t want to hear this, Charley. I know that it would be much easier if I sat here and commiserated on what an asshole he is, which by the way, I’m not one hundred percent convinced he’s not, but the therapist in me won’t allow me to do that.”

  “I’m confused. “

  “Charley, you know that I cared about Jaime. I knew him for a long time, but I love you as if you were my own sister. I think if I had to choose between you and Calliope you’d edge her out. Secretly, Dad thinks the same thing.” I smile thinking about how Jim calls us his three C’s. “It’s because I love you that I’m going to tell you this: even before he did what he did, I didn’t think you and Jaime were right for each other.” My eyes are wide and all I can do is blink at her. “I never said anything about it because, it just wasn’t my place and I didn’t want to lose you as a friend. I’d hoped you’d see it but then you guys went off and got married and then it was too late. I wish I had said something. I regret that so much.”

  “Why? Did he cheat on me before? Did you know--”

  “NO! It wasn’t anything like that, trust me. That, I would’ve told you. I just…It just seemed off. I mean, you held him off for so long in the beginning because, I think, you were still in love with Teddy. Then, when that thing happened between him and Paul you jumped into his arms like a damsel in distress.” I think of that phrase. The same exact phrase Teddy used, the very thing I never ever wanted to be. ”I think that you fell for Jaime, or were with him because you thought you needed him. You thought that you were weak and that he could make you strong, he thought that he needed to save you. He didn’t make you strong, Charley, you’re strong all on your own. You always have been. You didn’t need saving either, but with him you couldn’t see it. Instead you allowed him to treat you like crap because you were hoping that maybe one day he’d love you like he did in the beginning. But you were growing and changing and becoming successful and there was no place for him in the relationship. He thought you were going to be a wilting flower forever, but you blossomed and he couldn’t deal with the fact that you didn’t need him that way anymore.