by Bridle, Dee
“Stay fucking there. I’m on my way,” I said storming out of my room, my car keys in hand.
I checked my tracking app for her phone to see there was no signal, meaning her phone was off. Fuck. I ran out to my car and with a squeal of tires, sped off towards the dance party.
Ava
I danced feeling the beat of the music through my skin, moving in between other dancing bodies and letting go, feeling happy. The music was sharp to my ears and I could pick up every different note and sound, feeling like it was a part of me.
I saw Prince Lollipop in front of me and I laughed because he was still smiling at me. He got closer as he danced and I could see the beads of sweat running down his face.
The beat got heavier and I squealed in happiness, starting to jump alongside everyone. Prince Lollipop jumped with me and I laughed with him.
For the next few hours, I saw the dancers around me, their faces close and then far away. Some smiled and others were at a different place entirely to the one we shared. I wanted to jump higher and try and touch the roof. I wanted to go for a run and burn off all the energy I had. I looked down at my Converse and could see they were floating above the concrete floor. I laughed to myself, not believing I was floating. Where was Prince Lollipop? I had to show him I was floating.
Someone touched my arm and I felt the amazing heat. I touched them back, tingles sparking off all over my body. I thought of Zac and imagined touching his body, remembering last night. I closed my eyes at the extreme pleasure.
Zac
I stormed into the warehouse, looking around quickly, scanning the increasing crowd. Janey appeared beside me and grabbed my arm.
“I’m sorry, Zac.”
“Just fucking find her,” I barked walking in further.
I hated the thought of her being alone, or with someone who could take advantage.
“Did you give her E?” I asked angrily.
Janey nodded.
“But she might not have taken it.”
“For fuck’s sake,” I growled angrily, scanning the party. “Where the hell were you? You shouldn’t have separated!”
Janey looked down at her feet.
I swore again, knowing instantly.
“Tonight, Janey? You chose tonight to start losing your shit again? This is your fault, Janey. Find her!”
I hated when I didn’t feel in control of the situation. I was responsible for her, and if something happened to her, I would never forgive myself. She was mine for the month, and I had to keep her safe.
Ava
I looked around the room I was in and realized I had moved from the main dancing area. I felt really hot, like my skin was on fire. I leaned against a concrete wall and tried to enjoy the coolness from it on my bare skin.
Prince Lollipop was in front of me again.
“Don’t go any further in,” he shouted over the music. “You don’t want to do what they are doing in there.”
I looked at his face, seeing his mouth move and then I heard his muffled words.
“What?” I mumbled, my voice sounding far away even to my own ears.
“Where’s your boyfriend? I’m leaving now.”
“Boyfriend?” I mumbled.
He took my arm and led me back into the main room. He sat me down on the bench seat. My head swayed. I felt so hot and clammy. I wiped my face and felt wetness. I tried to focus on my fingers, but they looked too far away.
“Where is your boyfriend? Where’s your phone? Can I ring someone?”
I heard the words, but I didn’t respond. My head felt separate from my body, and I tried hard to breathe.
I heard the voice I was desperate to hear, and all my senses snapped together as I looked up into Zac’s beautiful brown, angry eyes.
Chapter Eleven: You Make Me Crazy
Ava
I tried to focus on the lights flashing past the car window and leaned my head back on the seat. The car turned a corner sharply, and I was flung to the other side of the back seat. The seat belt nearly choked me. I giggled uncontrollably.
“Get her to drink,” snarled Zac from the front seat.
Janey leaned over me and put a bottle of water to my lips. I gulped at it, feeling like I hadn’t had a drink in days. I gazed at Janey and saw that she was crying. I tried to process what was happening.
“I’m sorry, Ava,” she cried. “I fucked up. I always do.”
I pouted and said, “I had fun, because I floated.”
Then I giggled again, remembering.
“I specifically told you no drugs tonight,” shouted Zac. “I had one fucking request, and you couldn’t even follow that!”
“You can’t control me!” she screamed at him.
“You had fucking Ava with you,” he shouted back.
The car stopped with a skid and doors were flung open and then slammed closed. The sound made me laugh for some reason. My door opened and Zac lifted me out, kicking the door closed behind him as he carried me up to Noah’s.
“Jesus, Janey, what did you do?” asked Will as soon he saw me.
“Fuck you all,” she shouted heading into the kitchen and looking for a cigarette.
Zac placed me on the kitchen counter, and I looked at him properly for the first time that night and noticed that he had a beanie on. I licked my lips and smiled.
“You look so hot in that,” I said with a giggle.
“What did she take?” asked Noah, coming over.
“Einstein gave her E,” Zac said, annoyed.
“Oh, fuck you, Zac,” said Janey opening a drawer and slamming it closed. “So she took fucking E. Who cares? She had fun!”
“I had fun,” I said to no one in particular as I leaned back until my back felt the coolness of the bench.
“You gave her a full one?” asked Will looking over me.
“She’s fine!” shouted Janey lighting up a cigarette with shaking hands. “I just lost her in the crowd and panicked.”
“Anything could have happened to her,” said Zac through gritted teeth.
Janey rolled her eyes.
“But it didn’t!”
I closed my eyes with a smile and whispered, “I saw the dark room.”
The room went silent.
“What room?” asked Zac.
“The one with Janey,” I announced. “But Lollipop pulled me out of there, because I only want sex with Zac, no one else,” I said starting to giggle again.
“You can’t be fucking trusted,” shouted Zac. “Anything could have happened, and you allowed her to see you at your fucking worst.”
“Shut up,” screamed Janey bursting into tears.
“She needs to drink more water,” said Will.
“She’s burning up,” said Noah.
Will appeared at my side.
“Beautiful Ava, you need to drink this,” he said soothingly.
I felt hands pull me back up to a sitting position and a plastic bottle touched my lips. Water gushed out, nearly choking me, but I gulped it down.
“So thirsty,” I gasped.
“I’m sorry, okay?” sniffed Janey. “I’m fucking sorry. How many times can I say it?”
“You’ve said enough,” spat Zac angrily.
“She’s fine,” said Janey pointing at me.
Zac growled in frustration.
“I can’t deal with this shit,” he said as if to himself.
He lit up a cigarette and dragged on it as he ran his hand through his hair.
“Can’t deal with me or Ava?” asked Janey. “Or is it that you’re suddenly caring too much about her, and you don’t know how to handle it?”
“Fucking go home, Janey,” he muttered darkly.
“You can’t protect her from everything. Can’t you see that?” she returned.
“Maybe don’t give her drugs, and then fuck off somewhere,” he returned just as quietly.
“Whatever,” she said grabbing her bag. “Just try and hold on to her without being a total control freak. If she m
akes you feel things, then at least I know you’re human inside.”
“Janey,” warned Noah.
Zac exploded.
“As opposed to how you make yourself feel human by fucking around!”
“Get fucked,” she said angrily.
“You already did that tonight, remember?” he said.
Janey stormed across the unit, swung the front door open, and slammed it closed after her.
Noah let out a deep sigh and sat down on the couch. I closed my eyes and leaned onto Will’s warm chest in front of me.
Zac
I watched her sleep as I sat on the window sill in my bedroom contemplating what the fuck I was going to do. Morning had come and gone, and she slept soundly. I knew that she would be exhausted after last night.
I held her charged phone in my hand and saw that Sophie had called her last night. I wondered what had been said. I saw her texts to me and then looked at her photos to see two of her and the Prince Lollipop laughing together. I was kind of glad I hadn’t punched first and asked questions later, because he had looked after her last night, and for that, I was grateful.
I put her phone down on the desk beside me and then shoved my head back on the window frame, welcoming the pain and wondering how the fuck I was going to fix this.
She had to go. I couldn’t have her as my liability, especially with Janey in her life. I only had capacity for Janey, making sure she didn’t self-destruct too badly when she decided to let loose and get wasted on drugs. I couldn’t manage looking after Ava as well. I couldn’t let her into my life.
I hated not being in control. I hated the thought of Ava being hurt. I couldn’t breathe at the thought of anything more happening to her. She needed to go back to her own life, where she could be safe and be with the right people.
I had always been wrong for her, and I was furious with myself that I let it get this far. She was far too innocent and perfect for all of this.
Even though I was fucking pissed at Janey, she had been right last night in one way. I had started to care too much, and I didn’t know how to fucking handle it.
She had to go.
I lit up a cigarette and shoved the window up, the movement waking her. Her eyes landed on me and she smiled softly. Lying there in my bed with her messy curls and in my T-shirt, I wanted to go over and show her how much I wanted her to be mine. She was beautiful.
She sat up and rubbed at her eyes.
“Hey,” she said huskily.
I wanted to go over and bury my hands in her hair and taste her, but I took a hard drag of my cigarette instead. Then I reminded myself of the plan. She had to go. Now.
My silence made her look a little uneasy. I looked out the window, hating to hurt her like this. I threw her phone onto the bed.
“It’s fully charged now.”
“Thanks,” she said unsurely, looking down at her phone and then back up at me.
“Where’s Janey?”
“She went home.”
“You’re angry at me,” she stated next with a whisper.
“I’m pissed at Janey for what happened last night.”
“But I was okay. I was safe enough,” she said quietly.
“I can’t do this. I can’t get attached to you and try to protect you from everything,” I said flicking my cigarette out the window.
“I’m not asking you to,” she said blinking back tears.
“I spend every fucking waking hour trying to watch out for her and keep her from complete destruction. I can’t…”
I shook my head and gave up.
“You need to go.”
I heard her gasp slightly and kept looking out the window, not wanting to see her face right now. I felt some sort of ache in my chest, and I fucking hated the sensation. This was exactly why I was doing it.
I heard her move from the bed and collect her things. My T-shirt ended up on the bed. She slipped her jeans back on and then she was gone. Just like that. She didn’t even slam the door on the way out.
Ava
I cried in anger, heartbroken that he had given up on me so quickly. We had been days into our one-month arrangement and it was already over. Walking away from him was hard, but I knew I wasn’t going to beg or argue. I was worth more than that for fuck’s sake.
In the early hours of the next morning, I received a text from Janey.
Janey: I’m so sorry
Ava: Don’t be sorry. I had fun for what it’s worth
Janey: I do things sometimes and I can’t control myself
Janey: I’ve ruined everything
Ava: I’m fine. You haven’t ruined anything
Janey: I really like you Ava
Ava: I like you too
Janey: I do crazy things and you’ll hate me for it eventually
Ava: Janey, I won’t hate you
Janey: I’m disappearing for a little while. See you Ava x
As I tried to get back to sleep, I knew I was completely alone again.
* * *
School was the same and I walked to my classes like a zombie, shut off from everyone. Halfway through the week, there was a new word on my locker—Burner! But I didn’t bat an eyelid. I knew who had done it, and I didn’t care. I’d rather be a so-called Burner then one of them any day.
My routine went back to going to school, coming home, and studying. I ignored the bitchiness at school, and I ignored the sickening relationship at home. I was in my own zone and wanted to stay there for a while to lick my wounds. I tried not to think of him. I tried not to long for him, but I did, regardless of my attempts.
I went shopping, bought sexy lingerie, changed my hair to an almost blue black and got them to put bright red streaks through it. I tried to make myself feel good, but it all just reminded me of how much I missed him.
I was still an innocent playing in an adult’s world.
Walking home one late afternoon, a 4WD pick up truck pulled up beside me and I turned to see Tyler. His tanned elbow was leaning out the window and he smiled hesitantly.
“Need a lift?”
My eyes narrowed.
“I thought you weren’t talking to me.”
He shook his head.
“I’m sorry, Ava. I was angry that you were with him.
“I wasn’t with him like that, he…”
“He told me the truth the other night. I got it out of him when he was blind drunk.”
“That he tried to rape me?”
Tyler frowned.
“Well, not that. He just said that he was drunk and thought you wanted him.”
I shook my head, hating that Antony would always be innocent in this whole situation. It irked me beyond belief. I looked at Tyler and decided to get in, because I had no one else to talk to, after all.
He drove back into the traffic.
“If it makes you feel any better, he’s been going through his own hell this week. Something to do with money that’s been stolen from his accounts, credit card fraud, and he’s had to change his phone number, because he kept getting obscene calls. Not to mention the damage to his car. He still thinks your friends did that one.”
I shook my head.
“They had nothing to do with it.”
“How do you know?”
“I was with them the night it happened, so it wasn’t them.”
“He’s had to get an extension on his assignments, because they were all lost when his computer died and erased everything. He’s been having a shit time of it.”
I looked out the window, hiding the secret curl of my lips. Zac had promised me that he would pay for what he did to me, and it made me glad that he had kept his word.
“So, are you still friends with them?” he asked next.
“I am.”
I wanted nothing more than to be back with them.
“Are you hungry? I was going to get some food before I head home.”
I hadn’t eaten anything since…well, I couldn’t remember.
“Okay.”
>
We went to a small but busy kebab shop and sat inside on a bench table along the wall. He wouldn’t let me pay for my food, and I had a nice time with him. We even managed to have a few laughs. He was funny and chilled out, and I soon relaxed around him again.
“You look different,” he commented, wiping his mouth with a paper napkin.
“The hair,” I said, covering my mouth as I chewed.
He shook his head.
“It’s something else,” he said looking me over.
I felt different and it was all because of Zac. Could he see that by looking at my face? Could he see that I had discovered a new world where I had played for a little while before I was thrown right back into my boring existence? Could he see my inability to reconcile a life without him? Could he see the thirst I had for some wild fun again? I returned with some light-hearted humor, covering my inner angst.
“It’s the bags under my eyes.”
“Your eyes are perfect,” he said looking away and concentrating on the people lining up to order as he sipped his coke.
I didn’t respond to that comment and sipped my own drink instead.
“So, you and Sophie are no more?”
“She believes Antony and has taken his side.”
“She was blind drunk on Saturday night. Don’t say anything, but I saw her hook up with both Antony and Nathan that night.”
“Really?”
He nodded and sipped his coke again. I thought about Janey and the guys she was with the other night. Why was Sophie even thinking about doing that with both of them? Did Zac do threesomes? I just knew he would have. I felt sick at the thought of girls enjoying his body and him enjoying their bodies.
“So, there is a party at Tim’s on Saturday night. Want to go with me?”
I fiddled with my straw, thinking of the emptiness of my nights now without Zac.
“Sure,” I said with a smile.
“It’s a costume party,” he warned.
I groaned.
“No thanks.”
“Come on,” he said. “It’ll be fun.”
