“You bought a house?” The way she said it made it sound like he’d blown all his money on a gold-plated umbrella stand or something equally frivolous, not invested in real estate, and certainly not like she was angling for an invite.
“I’m just renting.”
The moment the words left his mouth, he knew he’d screwed up. The kind of open-mouth-insert-foot blunder that sunk careers in seconds.
Tanya’s face fell, and then fell some more before it disappeared under a blank, almost soulless mask. Any relationship they had had, or were going to have, was sinking, the decks blazing under the weight of his honest fireball. There would be no chance of raising this ship.
His stupidity made him desperate. “Tanya, wait—how old is Bear?”
“What does it matter, Nick? You’re renting. You won’t stay.” She turned and took a step into her house, but before she shut the door, she looked over her shoulder. Maybe it was a trick of the setting sun, but he thought he saw a tear race down her cheek. “You never do.”
Four
Monday came whether Tanya wanted it to or not. Part of her had come to terms with the fact that Nick knew about Bear. She’d never been that good at keeping secrets anyway. He would have found out sooner or later. Sooner had been the winner, that was all.
The other part of her was a wreck. Nick finding out about the boy hadn’t erased her worries, only replaced them with a different, larger set. What would Nick do next? He couldn’t be happy with her. Odds were decent he was furious with her. She might have guessed what the old Nick would have done, but this new man? No idea. She’d be lucky if he didn’t sue her into oblivion, most likely.
She didn’t have to wait long to get an answer to that particular question. Nick walked in at his regular nine o’clock and gave her the same look he’d given her all last week. Just seeing him again made her heart beat faster. But this time, he added, “Ms. Rattling Blanket, I’d like to see you in my office.”
Damn it. At least he wasn’t going to keep her on pins and needles the whole day. She grabbed a notepad and a pen and began the long walk back to his broom closet. The whole time, her stomach did flips. She knew he could grind her into the dust if he wanted to. He was too good a lawyer and had more money than she ever would. Tanya didn’t want to go down without a fight, but she was outclassed and outgunned, and she knew it. She kept telling herself that she had to protect Bear from Nick’s abandonment, but she knew deep inside that she had to protect herself.
She wished she hadn’t kissed him, no matter how wonderful that kiss had been. By letting him past that first physical barrier, she’d reminded herself in Technicolor of how Nick had always made her feel, of how he could still make her feel. The danger was, she still wanted that feeling. One stupid kiss was more than enough to show her that she still wanted Nick.
Nick was seated behind his desk. She was glad to sit in the chair because her knees didn’t feel like they were up to the task of holding her upright. “Yes?”
Nick didn’t look up. Instead, he kept reading a huge file and taking notes in the margins. “What’s wrong with Bear?” There wasn’t a trace of tenderness in his voice.
Dread started flipping around in her belly with the nerves. Tanya knew what this was. “You’ll find out one way or another, but you’ll feel better if I told you, right?”
Nick’s pen stopped moving, but he still didn’t look at her. Tanya preferred it that way—not seeing his eyes made it easier to remember that she didn’t know this man. “That is correct.”
She sat there, willing her knees to stop knocking. Nick turned a page, almost as if he’d forgotten she was there. A flash of anger made Tanya furious. She was sick and tired of being forgotten by Nick Longhair. By God, she would make sure he’d never forget her again.
“The doctor says there’s a problem with his ears. He gets a lot of ear infections, and he might be completely deaf. There’s something wrong with his vocal cords, too.” She paused, realizing how bad this must all sound. But she had Nick’s attention now. He’d set his pen down and was watching her. “That’s why he sleeps in the bed with me. I was nursing him, and he doesn’t cry. He just sort of…shakes. I was afraid I’d sleep through it when he really needed me.” Good Lord, that sounded even worse. What kind of mother couldn’t get her kid medical care? What kind of mother didn’t even have a separate bed for her baby? The kind that couldn’t take care of her child. The kind that shouldn’t have custody. “I’m not a bad mother,” she hurried to add, feeling stupid that she’d just given Nick all sorts of ammunition to use against her—if he wanted to.
Did he want to?
Nick shut his eyes, looking disgusted. With her. “How old is he?”
This was it—the ultimate way to make sure that Nick would always remember her. “He was only five pounds, seven ounces when he was born, but he was two weeks late.” She swallowed, trying to maintain a level of professionalism when the situation was anything but. Nick was a smart guy. She was willing to bet he could do the simple math of pregnancy and age in his head. “He’ll be one next week.”
The air in the small office chilled, as if frost was settling around them. Nick rubbed the bridge of his nose, then ran his hands through his still-too-short hair. He looked upset. Of course, if anyone made “upset” look good, it was Nick. Even now, he wore his angst handsomely.
Well, he could just be upset. Tanya held her ground. In a way, it was a relief to have the weight of the secret off her shoulders. But she was just too terrified of what Nick would do next to enjoy it.
Of course, he didn’t do any of the worst-case scenarios that Tanya had envisioned. Instead of blowing up, accusing her of child neglect or threatening her with a lengthy custody battle, Nick pushed his reading material aside and pulled out a leather-bound journal and a gold pen. Of course he had a gold pen. He probably had gold toothbrushes and a gold towel bar, just to impress his rich lawyer buddies. “Besides a crib, what else does Bear need?”
He sounded tired, but not as upset as he had looked moments before. That was the most unusual thing of all. At least Tanya had been correct in assuming she had no idea what Nick would do next. It was nice to be right about something. “He doesn’t really—”
Nick cut her off with a wave of his hand. “Yes, he does. He’s a year old now, and I’m sure that if he needs to wake you up, he’ll throw something at you.”
Tanya took a deep breath. She didn’t want to lose her temper. Just because he wasn’t upset now didn’t mean he wouldn’t come after her later, and Nick could use an outburst to paint her as a violent woman in court. “As I was saying, he doesn’t really need a crib. He’ll be able to crawl out of that soon. A toddler bed would be better.”
Now Nick did look up at her, half a smile on his face making him look devastatingly handsome. This would be so much easier if he wasn’t the man of her dreams—physically, at least. She wished she could find him disgusting or repulsive, but no. He had to be some sort of demigod over there. Tanya refused to buckle to his good looks. She would not get hysterical, furious—or turned on. “Good point. What else does he need? I want to get him some things for his birthday.”
“We’re fine, really.” What Bear really needed was the kind of stuff that one didn’t wrap up in bright, shiny paper with a bow—quality day care, fresh fruits and vegetables, medical care. None of those things made for a fun birthday party.
“I’ll get him a car seat for my car,” Nick said, pointedly ignoring her. Tanya saw that her plan to make sure Nick never forgot her again had instantly failed. He had no interest in her. His only concern was the boy. That realization made the dread in her stomach churn at an even faster rate. “He’s beyond one of those walker things…maybe there’s a baby store in Sioux Falls? I’ll check that out this weekend.”
“You don’t have to do that.” More to the point, she didn’t want him to do that. Was he trying to buy her off? She didn’t want to be in his debt. Owing Nick would be almost the same thing as being own
ed by Nick. She didn’t want to become another thing he owned.
“Yes, I do. He’s my son, isn’t he?” It wasn’t a question, not really. She realized he was trying to get her to say the words out loud. She refused to give him the satisfaction. Nick let his not-question hang for a few moments before he went on, “It’s my responsibility to take care of him.”
Tanya cringed at the implied criticism. What, did he not like the job she’d been doing? Of course not. Nothing in her world was ever good enough for Nick Longhair. “You’re a little late to this party. He’s almost one.”
“Because you didn’t tell me. I’m not a psychic, you know.”
He was going to blame this on her? Fat chance. The surge of anger pushed aside the dread. It felt good. Anger was power. She might not have the money or the connections, but she still had a hell of a lot to say, and he better believe he was going to hear it. “What was I supposed to do, Nick? I called. I left messages with a snooty-sounding secretary. You never called me back. Was I just supposed to show up? Plop a baby into your lap in court? Would they have even let me in the door?”
He opened his mouth, but she cut him off. She wasn’t about to give him the chance to charm his way out of this. “No, they wouldn’t have. And you know why? Do you remember the last thing you said to me? ‘Been good seeing you, Tanya. Have a nice life, Tanya.’ And then you drove off without a look back, like I didn’t mean anything to you.”
That was what had hurt the most. The fact that Nick had finished, zipped up and walked away without even so much as a how-do-you-do. That had hurt her worse than everything else combined. A lump tried to catch in her throat, but she swallowed, forcing it back down. No way in hell she was going to cry in front of Nick. “What part of that said, ‘Call me if you get knocked up’? What part of that said, ‘Call me’ at all? I’m not dumb. I know when I’m not wanted.”
“I didn’t say that.” The words were out fast—too fast. It was nothing more than a knee-jerk denial. “In fact, if I recall correctly, I asked you to come with me. You’re the one who said no. You’re the one who talked about our ancestors and our land. I’ve got news for you—this isn’t my land or my ancestors’ land. It never was. This is the worst land in the entire country—the bone the government threw to our ancestors because no one else wanted it. Why, on God’s green earth, you want to stay here and fight for this place is beyond me, Tanya. It always was.”
He was seriously going to make this whole thing her fault? “Get your facts straight, Nick—or is that no longer a requirement of the legal profession?” He snorted, but she wasn’t done with him yet. “You did ask me to come with you, but that didn’t happen two years ago. That was when you graduated from law school—or did you forget that, too? You didn’t ask me to marry you. Instead, you went on and on about the great place you were going to get and the cool car you were going to drive and all the things you were going to buy. You didn’t talk about us. Just about stuff. You made it sound like you were looking for someone to split the rent with. Why would you think I’d abandon even the worst piece of land in the country to be your roommate? You’re the one who thought you deserved the very best, Nick. Did it ever occur to you that I deserved the best, too? And that sure as hell wasn’t the kiss-off you gave me last time.”
“I was trying to give you a better life. It’s not my fault you didn’t believe I could really give you one. You’d already turned me down once—what was I supposed to do, keep asking so you could keep kicking me down?”
Wait, what? But before Tanya could process what he’d just said, he stormed on. “And I’ll have you know that under no circumstances did I tell you to have a nice life,” he repeated. His voice was firm, bordering on dangerous, but Tanya saw the doubt in his eyes. This wasn’t the knee-jerk denial—this was damage control.
He didn’t remember. He could talk a good game about never forgetting his first love and all that crap that was custom-built to make her think she was important to him, but she knew the truth. He had forgotten about her. She tried to say words to that effect, but that stupid lump kept moving up, so instead she just glared at him.
Still, it was nice to see that Nick was still capable of emotion. Right now, for instance, he looked guilty. Really, really guilty. That made her feel better. “You mean something to me, Tanya,” he offered up weakly. “You always have.”
Her anger bailed on her, and instead she was gripped by an overwhelming sadness. She couldn’t even glare at him. “But I don’t mean enough, Nick. Not as much as the big city and the big job and the big house means. Not as much as you mean to me.” Just saying the words out loud made that unavoidable truth hurt even more.
“Tanya, I’m—” His apology was cut off by the distant ringing of her phone.
Which was just as well. She didn’t want to hear his forced, halfhearted apologies. She scooped up her notebook and pen and walked out of his office with her head held high.
She loved him desperately. She always had, and she always would. But she would never ever be able to hold him. And that, more than the accidental pregnancy, more than life as a struggling single mother, was one of the great tragedies of her life.
Luckily, she was used to living with disappointment.
* * *
Tanya supposed she should have been surprised to hear a knock on her door two nights later, but by this point, she was fresh out of astonishment. She knew it was Nick by the way he knocked—three firm, hard raps that made it clear he wouldn’t take “no” for an answer.
Great. It wasn’t enough that Nick’s presence pervaded her working hours. No, he had to barge in on her family time, too.
He’s part of the family, a nagging little voice whispered in the back of her mind, but Tanya shut down that kind of thinking fast. He was the provider of a set of chromosomes, that’s all.
Before she opened the door, she took a deep breath and reminded herself that she was not to fall for anything Nick said or did. If he was here, he would probably try to sweet-talk her again, like he had the other night. But if he thought he was going to get a second kiss, he had another think coming. “Yes?”
Then she sucked in even more air. Nick the lawyer wasn’t on her front stoop. Instead of the button-up shirt and dress slacks, he was wearing a faded pair of blue jeans and a T-shirt that wasn’t skintight but was close enough to make her heart flutter. His hair wasn’t as slicked down either, but looked more tousled, like he’d been driving around with the top down.
Nick, part of her brain sighed in swoon-worthy fashion. The Nick she remembered. The only thing that was missing was the horse. Sure, those jeans had probably been made to look that broken in—for a heck of a lot of money, no doubt—but they rode low on his hips. She wanted him to turn around so she could see how they fit the rest of him.
“Hiya, Tanya.” The way he said it—low but in his old accent and with just a touch of teasing—made it clear that he knew what effect he had on her. She half expected him to ask her to go for a ride with him. It didn’t matter that she wanted to say yes, because that would be a mistake.
Even just standing here with a good three feet between them, Tanya could feel the pull of Nick’s body. All the fires she’d accidentally stoked with that ill-advised kiss last week began to heat her from the inside out.
Already, her mind was attempting to rationalize her undeniable attraction to Nick. Would one more time really be such a bad thing—as long as they used protection? Surely, two mature, careful people could take care of certain…needs together without things getting messy again. As long as she didn’t fall back into that hopeless, pining kind of love again, surely she could get a little physical relief. Scratch a Nick-sized itch, such as it was. And who better to help her out than the man who already knew what she wanted and knew how to give it to her? The very object of her fantasies? No awkward getting-to-know-you phase, no more ugly surprises. Just two consenting adults doing a little scratching. It didn’t have to be a big deal.
She shook herself
. The last time she’d strained with this level of absurd justifications, she’d wound up with Bear. She couldn’t make that kind of stupid mistake again.
Nick was still standing there. She realized she had no idea how long she’d been lost in her own little world. Apparently long enough to make this awkward, because Nick said, “Is it okay if I come in?”
Tanya realized his arms were filled with bags bursting at the seams. “What is all that?”
He waited until he was inside before dropping all the stuff with a whump. “I got some stuff for the baby—I mean, Bear.”
From where he’d been throwing his Cheerios onto the floor from his high chair, Bear’s head snapped up. He wriggled so hard that Tanya had to get him out and set him down before he tipped the whole thing over. In his herky-jerky baby way, he walked over to where Nick was pulling board books and balls and big, chunky cars with flashing lights out of Super Mart bags. “Do you like cars?” he asked Bear, who clapped his hands with excitement. “Here,” Nick said, handing the boy a fire truck. “Try that one on for size, big guy.”
While Bear chewed on the ladder, Nick kept unpacking. The next bag held a bunch of clothes with the tags still dangling off the sleeves. Pants, shirts, shorts, T-shirts with cartoon characters on them—more clothes than Bear and Tanya had put together.
“I didn’t know what size he needed, but I figure that kids grow, right?” Nick didn’t wait for an answer as he started unpacking another bag. This one was full of more winter clothes, including a huge coat. “So I got some twelve to eighteen months, some eighteen to twenty-four months. You can take them back if they don’t fit.”
A Man of Distinction Page 5
