In the past few days, the temperature had dropped. Today, the view from the observation tower was still stunning, but the sky over the city looked cold and grey, the hot chocolate she had ordered offered little consolation against the blues enveloping her.
It wasn’t her fault, or Lauren’s. It was simply impossible. If they wanted to be together, Lauren would have to stay. Summer remembered when they’d first gotten Connie’s diagnosis. She had little influence on what had happened next, the impact on her own career, relationships. With no other family and limited resources, Summer didn’t have much of a choice. The home had been a last resort at some time, then it had become reality, one that Summer was still struggling with on some days, no matter how many times the staff had assured her. Connie couldn’t be by herself anymore, and Summer had to work. There were no alternatives.
Lauren hadn’t answered her text, so Summer assumed this would be the end. She had gone back to work after a day of indulgence and bitter tears. The former had to come to an end soon, about the latter, she wasn’t so sure.
If she hurried up, she could still sneak in and see her mother for a bit, even if it wasn’t the weekend. Summer felt the need to go and see her, and she dreaded the prospect at the same time. She would see that nothing had changed.
Sometimes, Summer dreamed about going to the airport and taking a plane to some random destination. Of course, she never would.
Today, the rainy weather didn’t allow a walk in the park, so they sat in Connie’s room. Summer studied her mother. She made sure to slip an encouraging nod or word into the conversation at the appropriate time, wondering when they’d both been cheated out of a life of their own choice. She was an adult. She knew none of what happened wasn’t Connie’s fault, or her father’s, or anyone’s, for that matter.
“Are you going to tell me what’s making you so sad?”
Summer stiffened, startled when her mother moved to embrace her, because of the gesture and the question alike.
I’m so sorry, Mom, she said in her mind, hugging her back. “I’m fine.”
* * * **
Summer was far from fine, but she would be, at some point. If not fine, at least she’d be able to go about her day, her work and remember her time with Lauren for what it was, an adventure, a vacation from their respective real lives that didn’t overlap that much.
She didn’t think her students noticed anything, after all, she had learned to put on a happy front. Summer couldn’t say the same for DeeDee who showed up on her doorstep unannounced that evening.
“You don’t call me back the first time, I know you got probably lost in a book even though you have a new girlfriend. The second time, okay. The third time made me worry, so now I’m here. Is everything okay?”
Summer took a deep breath, willing herself to keep up the charade that had worked so nicely on the job.
“I’m busy, and…I’m sorry, you should have told me you were coming. I’m not really up for company right now.” She felt lousy, and she had to sound even worse.
“What happened? Is your mom okay?”
“She’s the same.” Studying her friend, Summer resigned herself to the fact that DeeDee was not going to let this go. “Listen, I’m okay. We all knew it was going to end this way. There had to be opportunities coming up for Lauren at some point, and I’m not that flexible. Besides, we’ve known each other for only a few weeks.” Her words sounded a lot like excuses to her, and DeeDee wasn’t satisfied with them either.
“I don’t understand. I thought Lauren didn’t want the job.”
“Wait, you knew about it? How?” Summer stepped back to let DeeDee inside, now in need of answers. Apparently, Lauren had sought conversation on the matter, just not with Summer. How could she have thought this would never come out?
DeeDee closed the door behind herself and embraced her.
“I’m so sorry. I promised not to tell, and I didn’t, because it seemed to me that she wasn’t interested at all—in the job that is. I take it she changed her mind?”
That wasn’t the whole truth. Summer wasn’t sure she wanted to go there, now, but she realized as well she could use a friend, someone to tell her it would be better someday.
They sat down on the couch in the living area, and DeeDee took her hand.
“Look, if she doesn’t even want to try to make it work, screw her. You find someone better.”
“She wanted to marry me.” In one sentence, the unsolvable dilemma came crashing down on her once more. It hurt, so much.
“What did you say?” DeeDee asked.
“I said nothing, I was so shocked! It can’t happen. I couldn’t let her do this, ruin her career and wait for the day when she’d realize it’s all my fault. I wanted her to stay, but I couldn’t tell her. She might have, and then what?”
To Summer, her reasoning made perfect sense, still, even though every word brought up memories of their last conversation, twisting the knife. DeeDee would say “this sucks, but you will get over her” any moment now. Summer needed to hear it.
“Have you lost your mind?” DeeDee asked.
“What? You know me, you know my situation. How can you say that?” All of a sudden, it didn’t seem like such a good idea to let her in anymore. She could still curl up on the couch with a book, have a glass of wine, ignore, pretend. Summer was good at that, whatever that made her. “Lauren seemed to understand this was the best for both of us.”
“Oh, give me a break. You said she wanted to marry you! You don’t always have to be the martyr, and Lauren is not your mother.”
The word stung.
“Okay. You have no idea what you’re talking about. I think you should leave now.”
“If you think she’d be wasting the chance of a lifetime, what is it you are doing now? Lauren doesn’t need you to make decisions for her.”
“You cannot compare—”
“Then why do you? Call her. Beg on your knees.”
Summer didn’t know anymore whether she should laugh or cry. She couldn’t keep up with her emotions anymore. She didn’t want Lauren to leave.
“It’s…selfish. I can’t do that.” DeeDee had no idea.
“It’s selfish to think you always know better, for everyone,” DeeDee insisted. “I don’t claim to understand what you’ve been through this past year, but this is different. Lauren knows what she’s doing.”
Summer’s resistance was crumbling, even though DeeDee’s frank words had rattled her harder than she cared to admit, touching on insecurities she’d harbored for much longer than the past year. It was too much, all at once. “I can’t deal with this right now.”
“You’ll have to,” DeeDee said, her tone now gentle, and that was worse, because it brought Summer closer to an inevitable meltdown. “Otherwise, she’ll be gone for good.”
“I…I’m not sure I can do that.” What if Lauren had changed her mind? The question wasn’t what came out though. Instead, “I miss her so much.”
DeeDee understood that the moments of hard truths were past, and embraced her. “You know what to do.”
* * * *
Summer had decided to wait until the next day, try to catch Lauren on a break. The office setting would allow for saying everything that needed to be said without getting too emotional. She laughed at her reasoning. Summer was simply excited to see Lauren again—after the intense beginning of their relationship, that week felt like an eternity. Maybe DeeDee was right, and her past experiences had hindered her from seeing things clearly and giving this relationship the chance it deserved.
She tried not to blush as she passed by the guard this time. The woman had no idea about the activities in Lauren’s office that night.
She was scared too, cringing when she remembered some of the things she’d said. She hadn’t once stopped and tried to see Lauren’s point of view. Truth be told, Summer had envied her too, for everything that seemed to come to her so easily. It wasn’t like Lauren didn’t value enough what life had given her
. She valued Summer more.
She was going to cry again. Summer hoped before that happened, she’d have the chance to get out all the right words, and apologize.
Lauren’s desk was empty, but there was another woman coming to the door to greet her.
“Good morning. What can I do for you, Ms…?”
“Philips. I’m here to see Lauren?”
Recognition dawned on the woman’s face.
“You must be Summer!” She didn’t look too happy though. Before Summer could ask herself what she had done to deserve the sad expression, Lauren’s colleague continued. “I’m Maryse. I wish I could help you, but Lauren’s not in this week. I thought you knew…” Her words trailed off as an awkward silence settled between them.
In a heartbeat, everything she had imagined since making her decision last night didn’t make sense anymore. Nothing did.
* * * *
After spending the better part of the evening and the night in a hotel room by herself, Lauren had thought it would be nice to spend the day in the company of like-minded people who were openly courting her.
Lauren had no illusions that it was only her skills and talent that had brought her here. The company was thinking of their public image as well, and if they had a woman qualified for a high profile job, they’d better offer it to her. Sign of a turning tide, she wished. More likely, she was one of the lucky ones—and there had been the magazine cover.
Yeah, lucky.
She joined several meetings during the day and had lunch with the leaving Vice President who advised her not to wait too long with her decision.
It should be easy, now that Summer had made it crystal clear she didn’t believe their relationship could last, or even be more than a sudden, mad attraction between two people who had little else to stand on. Sure, her parents, Ethan, Josie and the kids were back home, but they would be okay with seeing a little less of her. She could make new friends here in Atlanta.
Still, it was a choice whether she would want to continue the work she loved. Lauren had chosen her profession in the first place for the creative part. It had driven her all her working life. The new position would enable her to make decisions for the company on a very different level.
For the afternoon, she stayed with one of the offices of the local group, in a high rise in the city center. The company was great, reminding her of her own team at home, and the coffee even better. At the end of the day, they invited her to dinner and drinks in a nearby restaurant/bar. Since Lauren had dreaded the moment of going back to her hotel room, she said yes, even though her decision wasn’t any clearer. Much as she wished it had never come up in the first place, she was here now, and that possibly meant something. It was good to spend some time with people who had no idea how much of a fool she’d made of herself. Marriage. She couldn’t believe she’d blurted that out, without thinking. That was not how you did it under the best of circumstances.
“You’ve seen the workplace, but I think after we’ve introduced you to the food here, you will make up your mind quickly,” Louis van Kamp, one of the local project managers, predicted. “Let me tell you, we’re pretty excited you came down here.”
“Thank you. It’s a great opportunity,” she said vaguely. She had engaged in polite interaction all day. It was helpful. The professional life meant a reprieve even though she was aware she couldn’t put off the inevitable much longer. “Everyone has been amazing.”
“I’ve read about your work. We would love to have you,” Tanya Hoss chimed in. She had shown Lauren around for a part of the day, telling her all about the current projects.
“Yes, Tanya here was really looking forward to meeting you. She kept your cover of The Modern Architect in the hope you would sign it for her.” Everyone laughed, and Tanya scowled at Louis. “Very professional to introduce us that way. I hate you so much now.” Her words resulted in more laughter.
“Don’t worry,” Lauren said. “I’m glad you still welcomed me here without the photoshop.”
“You’re going to stay here, then?” Tanya asked.
“I might.” The truth was, if she dared to look past her hurt pride, the facts remained the same. Lauren wanted to be happy. She wasn’t going to base her goals merely on the numbers on her paycheck, and she was in a position where she wouldn’t have to worry about it in the first place. However, the idea of “happy” had changed in the past weeks. “The food is definitely on the plus side, and I’m not opposed to the bigger office. I just like to be in the middle of the action.”
“I so know what you mean,” van Kamp said. “I hope no one’s ever going to promote me out of this office. These people here call me a control freak, which I hope is a way of saying how much they appreciate me. I’ve been with this team for many years now, and it’s been amazing. You’ve got to work with people who have a shared vision.”
Like Maryse, Josh, Corbin and the rest of her own team. Lauren suppressed a sigh.
“True. I’ve spent all my life on the West Coast. It would be a big adjustment in any case.”
“Yeah, especially when you have family. We relocated twice in the past five years, and I really hope this is it. I like these guys here even if they embarrass me sometimes,” Tanya said. “I admit to keeping the issue with your interview. I have always admired your work.”
“Thanks so much. I get the embarrassing part. My folks at home are the same.” There was a moment of silence, as they might ponder what Lauren’s actual relationship status was. Sadly, she had no idea either. It’s complicated. “It’s not an easy decision, especially when you have more than yourself to consider.”
She caught Louis’ speculative gaze on her, wondering what he was thinking.
“Yeah.” Tanya sighed. “You’re with someone? What’s his job? Would he have a hard time finding work here?”
Lauren didn’t correct the insinuation.
“It’s a long story. I think we all have an early morning tomorrow, so I think now’s the time to get back to my hotel. Thank you all.”
This is ridiculous, she thought, as she stood on the sidewalk waiting for her cab. It didn’t matter how nice everyone was. None of it could do away with the emptiness she’d felt ever since Summer had laid out reality according to her point of view to Lauren. Maybe she’d had a point. Maybe she’d simply been scared that if they invested everything, it still might not work out in the end. Wasn’t it foolish not to try?
She contemplated calling Summer and having that conversation right now, but decided against it. Lauren longed to hear her voice, but she wanted a bit more time to prepare her argument. This time, she wouldn’t be blindsided. She had a plan—kind of.
* * * *
“I’ve had a great time. Your team is amazing. It would be an honor for me to come work here.”
“You’re already preparing your speech for the president,” Louis van Kamp observed. “That means you won’t stay.”
“I can’t. It’s not a good time for me to start over.”
He nodded thoughtfully. “I don’t blame you. My partner and I both grew up here. Things might not be perfect, but it’s home, and fortunately, times are changing.”
Lauren gave him a puzzled look, and he smiled.
“Deflecting nosy questions…You said it’s a long story. That was code, right? I could have been wrong, but I guess I am not.”
“You’re not, but it’s more complicated than that.”
Louis shrugged. “Getting married used to involve travel and, according to some friends of ours, a bureaucratic nightmare, but things are different now…”
All of a sudden, Lauren couldn’t wait to get home. What was she even still doing here? Success came to her easily, always had. At the first sign of trouble, something she couldn’t get as easily as everything else in her life, she had caved and run.
“I wish you all the best,” she said. “I really need to get home.” She’d find out if she was worth more to the company than a presentable face on a cover. She could do ev
en better work with her team at home…and she’d finally finish that one job she’d promised herself since her teenage days.
“Thank you,” he said. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re doing your career any harm saying no to the job. The last thing anybody wants is for another group to make you a better offer.”
“That’s a relief. I have to thank you too. You guys helped a lot with my decision.”
“So you didn’t like the food after all?” he joked, and they both laughed.
“Oh, I loved it, and the coffee too. I learned that it’s about time I get one of those fancy coffeemakers for my office.”
Despite the light banter, Lauren was aware of the gravity of her decision. She’d be judged under any circumstances, taking the job or not, no matter what her situation was—but she was able to make choices, and she had.
She hated being apart, but she hoped the distance had given Summer some time and space to concentrate on her dissertation defense. Lauren had promised to be her plus one, and even though she had missed the lunch, she was determined to make it up to her.
Chapter Seven
Back home, Lauren took the time to unpack and take a quick shower, before she brewed a fresh pot of coffee. This would probably do for an all-nighter, in addition to the amount of caffeine she’d had on planes and in airports.
The half-finished plans were still where she’d left them the last time. They had advanced from a teenage fantasy, some first sketches, to something that had potential…nothing presentable yet, but she’d move it forward over the next few days. Lauren had imagined building her dream home since she’d been fourteen.
As she sat at her desk in her home office, she smiled at the memories. Much had changed since the days she had thought of sharing it with a boy in school she’d had a crush on. For one, she figured out soon from there that anyone she’d share it with, would that house ever be built, would be female. However, that person proved hard to find. The fantasy had accompanied her through living in college dorm rooms and tiny apartments, until she had the means and the luck to turn this place into a living space she loved. That was when the plans had gone deep into the drawer.
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