I hear a scream; I think that’s me.
She’s gone.
I failed.
It’s all my fault. That’s the last thought I have, before the world turns black.
***
My eyes flutter open. It’s so bright, that I have to squint while my eyes adjust. I can feel how much my entire body hurts. I try to sit up, but pain rips through my chest and I let out a small cry, as I close my eyes and lay back. I look around the med ward, now that my eyes have adjusted to the light. It’s so clinical in here; so white. I take appraisal of my injuries. I think my wrist is broken, at least the cast on it makes me assume so. I can feel the wrap around my chest now too, either broken or fractured ribs. Other than that, I think it’s just cuts and bruises. That’s when it hits me.
She’s gone.
She’s gone and I didn’t stop it. It’s all my fault. I can’t stop the tears that come. The pain hits me wave after wave. I was meant to protect her. My cries turn into sobs, and that’s when I feel someone take my hand. I rip my hand away. I don’t deserve any sort of comfort. I bring my hands up to cover my face, as I try to stop the tears streaming down my cheeks.
“Addie,” I hear Tyler whisper. I look at him. I see the pain in him too. I can’t handle that right now. I can’t take on his pain as well as mine, but I can see how badly he needs me.
Logan’s gone too. He lost his best friend too. I shove my pain down and lock it in a mental box and push it back. I can deal with it later. I take his hand and pull him to the bed with me. He lies beside me. There’s no more crying. Just silent mourning, as we both think about the people we lost.
I hear the footsteps approaching the bed and tense. I don’t want to see anyone else yet. I look over Tyler’s head; I think he’s fallen asleep. The curtain at the side of my bed is opened, and I see a sorry looking Dimitri standing there with Xander Bane.
“It’s good to see you awake Addie, I wasn’t sure when you’d come back to us,” Dimitri says with a small smile.
“How long?” I ask.
“You’ve been out for about a week. You took some serious damage. You’re lucky to be alive.”
“Am I?”
“I’m sorry Addie, I really am,” he replies and looks to the floor.
“It’s not your fault D. It’s mine. I should’ve never left her.”
“Addie…”
“No D. It’s my fault. Just, just leave it. Please?” I ask him, silently hoping he’ll stop talking about her. I can’t take it yet.
“As nice as this all is Miss Tate; we didn’t come here to commiserate,” Xander barks out. His eyes are as cold as his voice. I hate him already, where the hell was he when we needed him.
“I can see that. What exactly is it you want Mr Bane?” I get out. The bite in my words isn’t lost on him, or Dimitri. I see him raise his eyebrow at me. I guess Dimitri didn’t fill him in on my awesome people skills.
“You’re wanted for questioning in front of The Eight, and the security council. We lost a lot of lives last week. Human and Vampyr, and from what we can tell, their focus was you. Dimitri mentioned that Kaden knew you by name. Have you met him before?”
“No, of course not,” I spit out. “But I’d like to see him again, and make him regret meeting me.” I am fuming. What the hell is he insinuating? That I had knowledge of what happened? He’s lost his damn mind. Tyler stirs and Xander shoots him a look, and if they could kill, Tyler would be in a lot of trouble right about now. I’d love to work out what that’s about, but I don’t have time now.
“Well Miss Tate, you might just have your chance. You’re expected before the Council at eight tomorrow morning,” he orders, then turns around and walks away from me. What a douchebag.
“Well, that went better than I expected,” Dimitri chuckles, “Addie, you went easy on him, I’m shocked.”
“Yeah, well sorry if my comedic repertoire isn’t up to scratch today. I’m kind of broken right now.” I don’t mean to snap at him, but hell, I’ve been awake about twenty minutes, and life has gotten exponentially crappier since I did.
***
“How was it?”
I walk out of my interrogation of the council to see Tyler leaning against the wall, backpack slung over his shoulder. The way his jeans hug his hips and the beanie covers his hair, just… damn. I take a second to really appreciate the sight, before I answer him.
“It was as spectacular as anticipated. I was asked the same question in a dozen different ways, just to see if my answer changed. Like I say, freaking spectacular,” I retort.
They really wound me up in there, it was like I’d done something wrong. As if I’m not already beating myself up about everything that went down. I know they could see it on my face, and even if they couldn’t, well, they should have known better.
“Ugh, stupid council. Stupid Eight. What do they know anyway? It’s not like they were here!” It frustrates me so much that they got here too late. “And why did they have to call on me so early, like we don’t have class to get to. I need coffee, please tell me you have coffee?”
“Of course I do.” He reaches behind me and passes me a paper cup, filled with the good stuff. Thank you to whoever created this in the old world! He wraps his arm around my shoulder, and pulls me close. He smells good today too. Yummy. “How are you feeling anyway? Are you ready for the memorial?”
“No,” I sigh. Some genius decided that we needed a full school memorial to say goodbye to those we lost.
While in general I understand why they’re doing it, I’d rather just deal with my pain on my own. Ty’s not really left my side since I left the med ward, he’s crashed on the sofa. I can’t bear to touch any of Livvy’s stuff. In our room it still feels like she’s here, like she’s just late out of class, or out somewhere with Peter. A tear runs down my cheek and I catch it before he has chance to notice.
“I don’t think I’m going to go, ya know? I’d just, I’d rather remember them, just the two of us, away from the showboating of the Keepers and The Eight. They didn’t know them like we did. I don’t want them to be just another number, two of many that died. They were special, and they deserve to be remembered properly. Plus, the fact that the shades took so many bodies, and no one seems to know why. It just doesn’t seem right memorialising them without a proper burial.” I look at Tyler, and I see his eyes are glassy too. He kisses the side of my head, then rests his forehead there.
“Yeah, okay Addie. I think they’d have liked that,” he sighs. I turn to him and hug him, resting my face in the crook of his neck. He makes me feel so safe, I don’t trust myself to keep anyone safe anymore. I already failed once. I don’t want to fail again.
“Come on, let’s go get changed and head to class,” he whispers to me. I nod my head and we start the walk back.
Defence Class is our only class today, a full day of training. The Keepers and the Eight made the great decision after the attack that everyone needs to be fully trained in Defence, but still pass all of their Evals, just freaking great.
We get ready and head down to Defence class. There are more of the Red Guard stationed here now, and I heard that they’re having some of the Elite stationed here too. I guess they really are worried about another attack.
We get to Defence class and I stop in my tracks. I don’t know if I can go in there. I close my eyes and I can still see the blood trail on the floor, leading past the door. I can see her face as she looked at me before they killed her. The way she knew I couldn’t save her. The sadness in her eyes that I’d failed her.
“Tyler… I don’t think I can go in there.” He stands behind me, his head on my shoulder and wraps his arms around my waist.
“I’ve got you Addie, just remember, I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. Just take a deep breath. We’ve got this.” His voice is so soothing, and cocooned in his arms, I feel like the world can’t get me. I’m not ready to face the world yet, so I’d like to stay right here.
“Okay, come o
n. Just, don’t let go, okay?”
“Addie, I’m never going to let go. You’re all I’ve got.” He untangles himself from behind me, takes my hand and squeezes it. “I’m not letting go. We can face this together.”
I take a deep breath and let him half pull me in. As we enter the room, it goes silent. Everybody knows what happened in here, and that I was in here when it happened. So much happened that night, but I was there. I wasn’t tucked away safe in a dorm house, or hiding in the mess hall. I was here, facing the shades, and I lost. I steel myself to the looks and the whispers that start up, and head over to the weapons locker, my hand still intertwined with Tyler’s. It’s then I realise that I can’t use my Sai. They used them to kill her. I can’t. I start to panic, spinning to Tyler with wild eyes and he sees what I’ve just come to terms with. He pulls me in close and strokes my hair.
“I can’t do this Ty,” I cry into his chest.
“Shh come on Addie, don’t let them break you. Don’t let them win.”
I know everyone’s still watching me, but right now I don’t care. I feel bad, because I know Tyler’s hurting just as much over Logan, but I can’t seem to get my crap together and deal.
“Addie.”
I lift my head up and see Dimitri, who has just called my name. He’s opened the door of his office, and jerks his head to signal me to go in. I nod at him and unravel myself from Tyler, then head to his office. He shuts the door behind me.
“Take a seat Addie. I know this has to be hard for you, but I need you to pick yourself up and brush yourself off. It sucks, and it hurts, I know it does. But we need to fight, and we need to win. Otherwise it was all in vein, you hear?” He looks me in the eyes, I know he can see how hard it is for me being back in here. I also know that what he said is right. I need to deal, or at least pretend like I’m dealing.
“You’re right, I’m sorry. I’ll do better,” I say to him. He stands and goes over to a cabinet at the back of the room, pulling out a shiny black box, then places it on his desk in front of me.
“For you,” he says. “Go on, open it.”
I open it to find, nestled in deep plum velvet, the most beautiful pair of Sai I have ever seen. They’re black hilted with a silver dagger, and a purple stone laid in the top of the handle.
“Dimitri, they’re beautiful, but you didn’t have to do this,” I sigh. I almost don’t want to disturb them. I’m so glad that my cast is off. If I’d have been given them and been unable to train with them I probably would have cried. I’ve missed training with a weapon, and since my last ones were tainted and taken, I’ve not held Sai for what feels like forever.
“I didn’t,” he responds. “But they’re yours anyway. Use them well.” He goes back to his door and opens it, ushering me out. I grab the box and leave the room, heading straight back for Tyler.
“Oh look who it is, little princess warrior. Guess you weren’t as good as you thought you were, huh Tate!”
“Shut your mouth Noah,” Tyler roars from across the room. “You weren’t here; you were hiding in your room like a little bitch!”
“Tyler,” I place my hand on his chest to stop him attacking Noah. “I’ve got this okay?” he looks down at me, and I know he can see the fight in my eyes when he smirks. He knows as well as I do, Noah is about to get his ass kicked. I take my Sai out of their box.
“I can still kick your ass Noah, now bring your little bitch ass here and let me hand it to you,” I shout and fly at him.
I attack him, before he has chance to work out what’s happening, I’m on him. I don’t hold back, and I take the full strength of my frustration and anger out on him. He fights back well at first, but once I slice the back of his knee with my Sai, he’s down and we both know it. All I see is red, and it’s not until Dimitri is hauling me off of him, that I realise he stopped fighting back.
“Addie, Tyler. Wait up!” We stop and I look behind us, to see Benny running towards us in a black shirt and trousers, with a red tie to show his loss of those in his dorm.
“Where are you guys going?” he asks once he catches up to us.
“We decided to have our own memorial for Liv and Logan, Ben. Didn’t want to be around people who didn’t really know them, you know?” Tyler says to him. I’m glad he answered, because I’m not sure I’d have managed to get it out right now.
“Come on guys, you have to come. Plus, me and the boys want to say goodbye to them properly too. And I know Peter would want to say goodbye to Livvy,” Benny pleads. I can see my pain reflected in his eyes. “We all lost people, some more than others, but we’re all doing this to be there for each other.” His voice breaks and I can’t stop the tear that runs down my face. I swipe it away. I’ve already cried so much; I don’t want to keep crying. Liv and Logan wouldn’t want me to cry.
Ty looks down at me, and I know he wants us to go with Benny, and stand with his friends at the memorial. I nod, I don’t want to be around everyone else, but right now, I don’t want to be without him either and really, I know he needs this.
“Yeah okay man, we’ll come back with you,” Ty says to him, and leads me in the direction of the main hall that is somehow still standing. I curl into his side as we walk, and try to borrow some of his strength. When we get there, everyone is off in their own groups, crying and hugging, and I feel so distant from them all.
“Thank you Ty, thank you for being so strong for me. I don’t know how I would’ve got through any of this without you. I feel so lost without her Ty. It’s like my soul was ripped in half, and I don’t know how to get through the days. I’m just kind of floating about. But you? You’re my anchor. And I know you’re going through it all too, I know Logan meant as much to you as Livvy meant to me. But you’re here for me every day, keeping me going. Thank you isn’t really enough, but it’s all I have right now,” I say to him through my tears. I can’t stop them now that they’ve started flowing again, but every word I say is true.
Each morning when I wake up I look over to her bed, and just for a minute, I forget that she’s gone. She was always up before me, but would burst into our room just after I woke up, with a smile and coffee. And then it hits me, and I’m paralysed. I can’t move, I can’t breathe while it hits me all over again, that she’s never coming back. That’s when I panic, and he’s there every single time. He wakes up from where he’s asleep on our sofa, and comes over to hug me and bring me back. He makes me feel, and he keeps the hurt away just a little. Just enough so it’s bearable.
“I’ll always be here for you Addie, and I’ll never let go. You can always count on me. I promise,” he says to me as he pulls me into him and kisses me on top of my head, and just like that I can breathe again.
I stay there until the Head of the Academy announces that the memorial is about to begin, and people start filing in the doors. Everyone that survived the attack is here, and while there are a lot of us, there’s nowhere near as many as there was last week. I hadn’t thought about the sheer number of people we had lost; I couldn’t fathom it. But now, seeing everyone here together, the difference is overwhelming. Tyler takes my hand and pulls me forward with the crowd, and soon I’m surrounded by his friends as we filter into the hall.
We take our seats in the hall, and I see Xander sat up on the stage, he’s looking straight at me. I look around me, but no one else seems to notice. I look back at him and he’s still looking at me, there’s no expression on his face at all, so I’m not sure he even sees me. I guess he lost a lot of friends, brothers too. Some of his house would have been in the Red Guard that were protecting the Academy. I turn away and move into Tyler’s side.
Different people take turns talking about those that they lost, first the Head of the Academy, then the Keepers. Some students take turns to speak about those they lost during the attack, but I’m numb through it all. I know these people are sad too, but I can’t be sad for them, I have enough of my own pain to deal with. I don’t know how Tyler does it. Then Xander stands up to speak. Dimitr
i stands with him and clasps his shoulder before taking his seat again. He walks over to the podium where everyone else has spoken, and grips it with both hands.
“We stand here today, to remember those that have fallen. Those who stood to protect the lives we cherish so deeply, and those whose lives were cut too short. But we stand here, strong, in the knowledge that they did not die in vain. They died so that we could be here today, and while we may be a little broken, we will rebuild and be stronger than ever. We will be stronger, because those who fell gave us the chance to be stronger.” He addresses the hall loudly and clearly, and I’m hooked on each word. He looks straight at me again. ”I know that right now you are in pain, that it feels like you’re lost. But there will be a tomorrow, and you will find yourself again. Lean on each other, lean on us, lean on me. I will be here to protect you. Know that from this great tragedy, greatness rises.”
I’m breathless. Every word he said is running around in my head. I don’t think I’ll ever forget this moment. He’s right. I can’t let her have died in vain. I failed to protect her, but she would want me to keep going, to protect others. My pain is nowhere near gone, but I have something else to hold on to now. Something else to keep me going.
After he finishes, he dismisses us and tells us we’ll have no classes for three days, while we mourn. But after that, in light of everything, each day we will now do half a day of Defence, regardless of if we were taking it or not. Inside I smile at this, I’m going to need Defence to keep me strong.
Tyler and the guys head to the forest, for the mini memorial we decided to have for Liv and Logan. I’d already prepared this spot earlier, it’s where Livvy and I would come to get away from things, when they got too much. Whether it was raining or sunshine, we could come down here, and it felt like the rest of the world didn’t exist.
Descent (The Immortal Chronicles Book 1) Page 7
